Overburdened

[melina]

I tend to pop in and out of this site when I need some support. I'd like to be of more support to others, but I suppose I'll have to be content to post subjects that might be of interest to others, in hope that the replies will help them.

It's four years and three months since I lost my husband, and since my kids lost their father. Our sons are all adults - in their 20s, but they still need help and guidance. They've all grown to become good and kind young men. The problem - if you can call it a problem - is that they've all chosen wives from different countries, and have emmigrated to these countries to start families. This means that there are bound to be problems with immigration issues, and all those things that are related to these issues. Add money problems, babies on the way, housing, jobs, etc. They're stressed. And they're used to talking to their father about whatever stress they were experiencing - because that helped to calm things down.

My husband was the calm one in our relationship and in our family. With just a few words, he could reduce all the stress and tension, and make everything seem okay.

I am not the calm one. I have a strong bond with my children, but I'm definitely not calm. Yet now I have to be that person who tries to make people feel better. In other words, I'm being two people - myself, with all my worry and anxiety, and my husband, though I have no practice with his state of mind.

After I talk to my kids, and they hopefully feel more optimistic, the problems continue for me. The problems are eating me up inside. I can't sleep. I feel sick. I'm exhausted. I know my kids aren't expecting me to figure everything out for them, but if we'd had my husband (their father) here now, this would be a team effort. Something we'd all be working to figure out. My husband and I would sit in the sofa in the evening and discuss the matters, try to create some ideas, and even laugh about it a little - lighten the mood. But as it is now, I just want to escape - sometimes even just fall asleep and not wake up. it's not just my kids either - it's everything. I have a big house I need to sell and get rid of, my job is exhausting, people in general just seem annoying, and I'm very much alone. I'm just plain wiped out..

Right now, I would love some kind words, so I don't feel so alone.

Melina

[enna]

Hi Melina,

“Right now, I would love some kind words, so I don’t feel so alone.”

Kind words are something I can give you. I have followed you here on the forum for quite awhile now and many things you have posted have given me the courage I needed on my own journey. You have shared your story and that has made me feel that I am not alone on my grief journey.

I do not have children out of the country but I do have a child in another state and there have been times when I’ve felt overwhelmed by her needs since my Jim was also the “calm” one. He always seemed to know just what to say while I tended to “preach.”

I have no advice for you about your situation, but I do have a listening ear and that is what I think this forum is all about. We are here so we do not have to feel so alone.

You are being heard.

One of the things I find to be of help to me is to remember to stay in the moment. It is not easy to do ~ I want to think ahead or think back and this only adds to my own anxiety. Staying in the moment allows me to manage things. I am learning to take one thing at a time and work on it whether it be my health, finances, worry about my family or tending to everyday household needs. Everything is harder without our spouses.

You can accomplish what you set your mind to do ~ you are resilient and you are not alone.

Anne

[melina]

Thanks Anne - it helps to know someone is out there listening and being sympathetic. I can't talk to my friends about my troubles any longer. They seem uninterested in hearing about it all.

Things go in waves, and now and then I feel a little better. Lately, however, since I got back from my last trip to the states, life has been very tough. Just needed to wail a bit.

It's not really the grief that feels overwhelming now, it's life in general. I'm getting tired of managing all the things that life keepings hurling at me. It's all too much to handle.

I hadn't planned spending all these years alone, dealing with various issues. The world seems harsh, and people seem rude and uncaring. At times I really just want to run away, or curl up in a ball and hibernate, but I can't do that either. Oh well...Thanks again for listening!

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Melina, You said... "I hadn't planned spending all these years alone, dealing with various issues."

I totally get it, I think we all do. Mike was my calm one, and I need him here now to be calm, and he is not. He took care of so many things that I now have to do. I miss being a part of a couple, but I don't want to be involved with anyone. I have had a date or two, but always find a reason not to have another one. A good friend just became a widow for the second time this year. She lost her first husband many years ago, and then a few years later married a friend from high school days. He died earlier this year. We happened to meet at the "cheap" beauty school to get haircuts at the same time the other day. She says I want to be married again, I don't like being alone. Well, none of us like it, but I sure don't want to be married just to be "not alone". What I really want is Mike back, but I cannot have that. What I would want is a relationship similar to the one I had with Mike, and I think chances of that are very slim. So in that case, I had rather be alone. I never thought I would grow old alone, but it is happening, and it is not horrible, just lonely.

QMary

[shalady]

I totally agree with what you have all said. I can be around a group of people but I am still lonely, lonely and longing for my beloved husband. A couple of weeks ago I signed up for a pot luck supper. I purposely left the 'number attending' box blank, I couldn't bring myself to put a number 1 there. Someone saw it empty and filled it in, I was so upset when I saw that. Sounds silly but just one more reminder I am no longer a couple, just a "1". It is so vey hard, but I too will never find another so would rather be alone. It is difficult dealing with every day to day matter, so I just try to prioritize and do what I can when I get to it. I hope for the best every day. I was a strong person before this, now I am a marshmallow. I will try to regain some of what I was before. It is a journey and a battle but I keep reading here how others are making it and that gives me hope.

[MartyT]

♥

[marsha]

Melina - yes, there are times I want to wave the white towel, too. But listen: you are you, complete and individual and unique. And although it would be so much easier to have shared these trials with your husband - please don't discount what you offer and what you give to your children. I'm sure they don't discount that, either. Marsha

[kayc]

Melina,

Your post could have been written by any of us, that's why it's so easy to relate to you. Your problems are unique, but the common thing is, we're all going through this journey alone, without our spouse, trying to make the best decisions and deal with what comes, but it's so much harder alone that shared with our soul mate. There's not a day goes by but what I don't miss my George, and I well know how different my life would be had he not died.

Over the years I realize I had gleaned so much from having gone through this process...things I would not have had I not gone through it. Those are the silver linings in the cloud...the things I've learned, and realizing I'm stronger than I ever knew. There's times I wish I didn't have to be, that I could just cuddle up in George's arms, knowing he'd take care of me. I suppose we all feel that way at times.

Right now I'm going through some (yet unknown) health problems and I'd give anything to have George here. I feel very alone and without an adequate support system. I will get through it somehow, I just don't know how yet. We somehow manage to survive what we must.

I hope you can find some time this weekend to unwind and relax, and just breathe.

[rakquel105]

Hi Melina,

My thougts and prayers are for you... Remember, these too will come to pass.You will overcome.

Hugs,

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Melina

I can so relate to what you say. When we have been a part of a strong couple (in my case for fifty years) we can't help but feel weak on our own. I've no desire to replace my Pete because he is irreplaceable and I know I have to be strong so every day I congratulate myself (no one else will) at being able to cope with my life even if to me I feel totally diminished now. You can't be all things to your sons. It's too much to expect of yourself. If you can just cope with your own life you are doing well. And as Anne wisely says take it one day at a time. You know you have done incredibly well to be able to manage life on your own. Keep going! Jan

[JeL]

Hi Melina,

In my year on this site, your messages have felt like pillars of resilience to me. I'm sorry for the wave of overburden you're feeling. I recall we have a few things in common: we each were married about 28 years, we each live far away from family. I'm not a mom but I have adult stepchildren who lost their dad.

I'm with you on missing the closeness, missing how we used to bounce ideas and feelings off our husbands every day. It's a void... an emotional black hole. Other friends, no matter how supportive, can't fill that space.

I live in Alaska (58 degrees north latitude). I recall you live far north too.

For 10 years, (long before Fred died) I've used a SAD light from November to February for 20 minutes each morning. It counters fatigue and helps my mental focus all day long. There's lots of science behind light therapy for those of us who live in the far north. It works wonders for me. Have you ever tried it? Just a thought to add to your self-help strategies.

take good care.

Jo

Edited November 15, 2014 by MartyT
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[melina]

Hi everyone -

I just wanted to thank you all so much for replying to this post. It actually does make me feel better to feel that support from all of you - like having a proper social network, even it's online! Online friends are still friends - they're just farther away.

Kay - I'm so sorry to hear about your health problems. I sincerely hope you get some answers from your doctor and that you keep us all updated. Thinking of you!

Jo - You said you lived in Alaska. I live in Norway, so I do feel the darkness as it sets in around November. I hate leaving for work in the dark and coming home in the dark. So I do have one of those light lamps. I use it in the morning before work to wake me up.

Mary - Like you, although I feel lonely, I can't see myself living with someone other than my husband. It just feels wrong. Everyone keeps urging me to start dating - but it would have to be online dating, since I don't meet men very often. And online dating feels like a chore, and a gamble.

And thanks also to the rest of you for being here.

I'll just have to keep plugging along...

Melina

[enna]

"I'll just have to keep plugging along..."

And you will do it with grace, Melina. Have a good day. I believe that we do offer a special love and support to one another here.

Anne

[kayc]

Melina,

I have tried to fill some of the void with friends...other parts of that void are not filled. I'm with you, dating would be too much work and frankly, there is no other "George" out there. Hang in there.