Lonely? Guilty?

[LoriM]

I had a few hours to myself today, without the kids, and I felt motivated to do some shopping since it's so hot in Texas (it's our first year here) that I needed some summer clothes. It didn't take me long to just get down and feel all kinds of emotions. I felt guilty for shopping, spending money, and doing something for myself, then I felt like "why even bother?", and then I felt lonely because of all the happy and jolly people around. I also saw lots of families and couples. All that and I just had to hurry back home. I can't do this without my husband. We never even got to enjoy life with our children, we had so many plans, we talked about what we would do, and all of our dreams. He got cancer when the kids were just at an age where we could really do things with them. I feel so lonely, we always had our conversations and I come home and tell him all about my day. He would say, "then what happened?" and after awhile, as he wasn't able to do too much, I was his link to the outside world. I see his truck and I think, "he's home" and he's not home. How am I suppose to make sense of this? How am I suppose to be around others, other couples, other families, and just deal with it? I just want him back. I am also angry at God. I am. I am a Christian, but I am just plain old angry. I didn't have a good upbringing, no father, no grandfather, no uncles (the men in my life didn't exist), then my sister gets married and he leaves her, her children don't get a father figure, then I get married (my first marriage) to someone that I thought loved me, but that was all distorted and he leaves me, then I find my Rob. The sweetest man, ever. I thought God answered all my prayers. Then I wasn't able to have children, and that was hard, but we adopted two precious children. For once in my life I got to see that beautiful picture of a father and children in a healthy loving way. I was so happy my children will experience what I never had. Then we got the diagnoses of Stage 4 cancer when my children were 6 and 4 years old. I thought, "no, surely this can't be". But it was. We faithfully prayed and my husband was so strong in his faith. Prayers were answered, but there was no healing. Not that we deserved a miracle more than the next person, but we just kept on praying. It was a nightmare, he had 8 surgeries, radiation, chemotherapy, and a ton of complications. We saw him suffer silently, and be the greatest warrior, just to spend one more moment with us. All he wanted was to take my son to a baseball game or take my daughter to the Valentine's dance. Just be a "normal" family. Then he died. I am left without the love of my life. I don't have family and yes, many friends, but they all have their lives and families. I don't want to be lonely and angry, but I just wish God could have had a little favor on our situation, if not for me, but for the kids. I mean, there isn't even an uncle or grandparent. Nobody to teach my son "guy" stuff, and I now have to do MORE than I already have been doing. The other day, I was trying to figure out how to help my son fix something mechanically, and I just wanted to cry. Ok, sorry everyone, I really went all over the place here! Today was tough. I feel lonely and just so empty inside, going through the motions. Plus I ended up without summer clothes.

[Guppy2006]

I'm so sorry Lori, I can feel your pain, confusion and anger. I also lost my husband April 17, 2015 and can not bring myself to do anything because everything reminds me of him. Just sitting on the porch last night was hard because the sounds of the neighborhood mowing lawns, grilling and getting ready for summer. We had so many plans for the summer and I can't imagine doing anything without him. We were raising our 4 Grandkids (10, 9, 7 and 2) together. I can't imagine the struggle you must go through every day trying to stay strong for them but hurting inside. I have been unable to go back to work and the kids are staying with their Aunt until I can function a little bettter. Hopefully you can find some support systems in your area that can help you through the lonliness and anger. People tell me it takes time to heal but I can't think of a time where I won't miss him dearly and long for him to be here with us. I go through each day like a robot, ding the things I need to but none of it seems important anyore. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your little ones!

[enna]

I am so very sorry to read of your losses. Please never apologize as you share your grief stories. That is what this forum is for ~ we have all been where you are in our own way. You will learn that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. Your journeys are so very raw and it will take as long as it takes. It is important to care for yourself for this grief journey is exhausting and will take all your energy.

Hugs to both of you.

Anne

[kayc]

Lori,

Everything you are feeling is totally normal. I was praying when George died. I don't know why God doesn't spare our husbands when we're fervently praying and need them still. I am an avid pray-er and have been a Christian since my youth, but I went through a "being angry with God" stage after George died. He has broad shoulders, He can take it. And He understands. He'll be there for you when you're ready. In the meantime, He understands. There's some things we wouldn't understand (or maybe agree with) even if He explained them to us. In time I was able to accept that what is, is. I didn't have to like it. I would never wish for it. I'd give anything to have George back, but that wasn't to be my choice, so...

Maybe you can just go to a WalMart and grab a couple of sleeveless tops to get you by in the hot weather? I know it's hard to see couples, families. ♥

[MartyT]

Lori, my dear, I invite you to read this article, along with the Related Articles and Resources listed at its base ~ in hopes that these writings will bring you comfort ~ and, at the very least, assure you that you are not alone in what you are feeling: Religion and Spirituality in Grief

[Gigi-T]

Dear Lori, my sincere sympathy for your loss. I'm not the most qualified to advise you, because I've never been married, never had children, I've never even been in love (just infatuated), but I know what the pain of loneliness is, now that I'm alone for the first time in my life. I also can relate to wanting to have a normal life, something I've never experienced. I've never had the love of my mother, but your children are lucky to have you.

Big Brothers of America www.bbbs.org might be helpful in providing a male role model for your children.

A Stephen Minister might be helpful for your faith crisis and just as someone to talk to:

https://www.stephenministries.org/

In the following video Joyce Meyers tells us that what happened to your husband was between him and God, and not that God wasn't listening to your prayers:

How To Overcome the Pain of Losing a Loved One

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_RoRpmD8eE

I'm at a point where I can finally recommend counseling. I tried three therapists who were not a good fit for me, but I now have a counselor who seems very promising. She specializes in emotional intelligence and cognitive behavioral therapy.

I can even relate to your guilt about shopping. As a longtime caregiver, I became a compulsive online shopper as a way to cope with the deprivation of my lifestyle. Now I've switched from buying stuff to eating out at restaurants once a week with relatives and friends, because it eases the loneliness.

You are still young and there must be men who would be thrilled to have a ready made family to love and protect. Most men are natural born problem solvers (when they're not the problem themselves). I wish you and your family comfort and peace.

[kayc]

While I'm sure there are lots of men who would love a ready made family, it doesn't feel right to suggest that here and now...her loss is fresh and raw and she's in love with her husband and still reeling from the loss of him. Some do go on to remarry but many do not and it's not something one can consider in the fresh aftermath of loss.

The Stephen Minister idea is a good one. Do you have a brother or brother in law that would step up to the plate? A family friend?

Lori, I know you have to feel overwhelmed right now, but I truly believe as you listen to your inner instincts, they will guide you in your decision making. My children were grown but I was still young when my husband died, it's been ten years now, and somehow I've made decisions on my own through all this time and somehow survived.

[MartyT]

You may find this post helpful as well, Lori: Resources for Young Widow(er)s ♥

[Froggie4635]

I watched the YouTube clip with Joyce Meyers, and it really spoke to me, especially about the not asking Why? I normally am not drawn to such things, but it really spoke to me. I am so glad it was shared.

[LoriM]

While I'm sure there are lots of men who would love a ready made family, it doesn't feel right to suggest that here and now...her loss is fresh and raw and she's in love with her husband and still reeling from the loss of him. Some do go on to remarry but many do not and it's not something one can consider in the fresh aftermath of loss.

The Stephen Minister idea is a good one. Do you have a brother or brother in law that would step up to the plate? A family friend?

Lori, I know you have to feel overwhelmed right now, but I truly believe as you listen to your inner instincts, they will guide you in your decision making. My children were grown but I was still young when my husband died, it's been ten years now, and somehow I've made decisions on my own through all this time and somehow survived.

I absolutely agree. That is the last thing on my mind and I am stronger than that, I would never remarry to avoid these difficult feelings of loss of my husband. I don't need someone to come and take care of me and protect me. I can do that. I just miss my soul mate terribly, and frankly I can't even think or even give to another person in a healthy way. My heart will always be for Rob.

[Suitearia]

I've listened to the Joyce Meyer's video twice now and made some notes ... just to remind myself that Ric's death was between him and God; that it was none of my business (as the Pastor says).

A few days before Ric died, I was blessed to witness something very spiritual and powerful. Maybe that was God's gift to me ... my comfort.

It was early in the morning and I was sitting by Ric's hospital bed in the living room, when he suddenly pointed to an area to the lower right of his bed and said "Do you see that person?" I told Ric "No, I am not allowed to see this person. This is for you". Ric withdrew from me and I saw him nod his head (like you would if someone asked you a question). I saw him nod his head a second time and then he nodded his head a third time. After that he exclaimed "OH MY!" as he was given a glimpse to where he was going. He then turned to me and said "I'm ready to go".

Those words that the Pastor said in that Joyce Meyer video really just hit home, that while I was blessed to witness Ric's (I don't know what to call it) conversation with the Spirit, I wasn't an active participant. The experience was Ric's and Ric's alone; it wasn't any of my business or the Spirit would have allowed me to see and hear too. But I did get to be a witness and I hold that close to my heart ...

thanks Gigi-T.

[kayc]

I don't think I'd phrase it "none of your business" because it does seem very much your business...maybe not your decision, but it definitely affects you!

[LadyCarrie]

What a wonderful experience for both of you. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Carrie

[Gigi-T]

Thank you for sharing your very moving story, Suzanne. I think I mentioned this on another thread, but early one morning almost fifty years ago, my aunt who suffered from advanced scleroderma experienced a heavenly vision on the wall of her bedroom. She tried to waken her husband so he could see it. He was normally a light sleeper, but he would not stir. The vision was meant for her eyes only. When he awoke, she asked her husband to take her to church and shortly afterward she passed away.

[feralfae]

Suzanne,

I am so very happy you were there to witness the exchange. More than three years ago, I sat with my husband Doug while he had a discussion with Spirit, whom I could not see nor hear. But I could pick up a lot of the conversations's direction and substance from Doug's remarks. Later that evening, he told me he was leaving very soon. I feel as though I received a most wonderful and miraculous gift to have been present while Doug had his discussion. He told me that evening, with a big smile, that "there really is a Headmaster" and I knew he meant G*d, because we used that term sometimes.

I am touched and delighted you had such a wonderful and beautiful experience. It is a special gift we were given.

namaste and *<twinkles>*

feralfae

[Suitearia]

Thank you everyone ... it was very a very profound experience for me. Not sure my stepmother quite believe me but there you go. We also had dragon flies up around the sliding glass doors where he laid in his hosptial bed (so he could see the ocean) -- and we live on the 20th floor. I'd say saying "Daddy we have so many dragon flies on the balcony trying to get into the room. I think they want to visit you". That got strange looks too ... maybe that was normal for dragon flies.

Kayc ... those were the pastor's words so I copied them down. I don't disagree with you because his death definitely affected me and will effect my future; hence his death was my business. Maybe in time when I read my journal notes I'll soften or change what i copied down (I had to make myself listen as I'm more pan demoninational and I was getting distracted by some of the discussion -- actually tuning out).

[kayc]

Yes I realized you were quoting a pastor, I just feel great sensitivity to those who've lost someone and certain words or phrases sometimes loom out at me as being something that the griever could feel wounded by.

The dragonflies must have been a very special experience...I love dragonflies! I once had a whole bunch of them on the side of my house, like they were mating perhaps, but definitely all congregated together, I've never seen so many at once before or since! I wish I'd taken a picture but I was so awed by them I didn't think to!