Cleaning and Sorting

[kevin]

I'm approaching the first month since my Wife's sudden passing and decided it was time to slowly start sorting /cleaning some things up........Back things up a bit, my Wife of over Thirty One Years, Angela, was a victim of Vascular Dementia for the past few years and was constantly in my care. We went everywhere together, she had virtually no short term memory , but was very happy. Came up with a system that was taking notes......if the same question kept coming up, I would get her to write it "in the book"......then she check her memory book. Now , I had a half dozen notebooks because they always were left in the darndest places.  I would make an Agenda for the day so she would see where and what we were going to do......I would take her to the Golf course with me, pack a lunch for her , and she just loved it. She didn't understand why I didn't Golf everyday (Life was good).......She enjoyed the lunch and the socializing afterwards........It was great.....As fate and the man upstairs decided, my poor Angela was taken from this World due to Stroke.........I don't think anything will take this empty feeling away......Just as I was feeling better and began cleaning and sorting, I came upon A Valentine Card for me....it brought me to my knees.....On that note 

[KarenK]

Kevin,

I understand about the card. I saved every card Ron gave me over our 41 years together. I suppose the most precious thing is a piece of paper that he somehow managed to scribble the word "WIFE" on. On a ventilator, he could no longer speak and I had given him pen & paper to communicate if possible. Most things he tried to write made no sense or were unreadable, but that one word said it all. He was trying to ask the nurse where I was. I had not made it to the hospital yet that morning.

Remember , there is no rush to clean out things. It is your choice. For financial reasons, I was forced to sell many of Ron's collectibles in the first 6 months. My heart broke each time. I did not clean out his closets or drawers for over a year, at least. After so many years together, I would have to burn down the house to erase all the memories.

Peace to you.

Karen

 

[enna]

I am so sorry to hear of your dear Angela's death. This is a good place to be to share your thoughts. Cards and notes are still a comfort to me. We had a Christmas card that we passed back and forth for fifteen years that started after our twenty-fifth wedding anniversary. It means the world to me. 

Take your time with the cleaning and sorting. Do only what feels right to you. 

Anne

[kevin]

Thanks Anne/Karen.......the situation where I live got a bit hurried because of a few Forest Fires and property losses. The call went our for donations so it hastened my sorting. Angela was a Generous person and would expect me to give away/donate her cloths to the less fortunate.....Finding the Cards, "lost Jewelry", and keepsakes is such a bonus........I have no deadline for my clean up only a resolve to do it myself slowly.........Deep love leaves a deep scar.......Went to Church last night, first time in years...

[kevin]

The clock of life is wound but once,
And no man has the power
To tell just when the hands will stop
At late or early hour.

To lose one's wealth is sad indeed,
To lose one's health is more,
To lose one's soul is such a loss
That no man can restore.

The present only is our own,
So Live, Love, toil with a will --
Place no faith in 'Tomorrow' --
For the clock may then be still.
 

[R.Everit55]

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your wife.  I lost my beautiful bride my soulmate my princess Jan 9 of this year.  Going through things is hard.  I can't do it. I've tried.  I've found things she's written to me.  I've found things she saved I've written to her.  It's like a punch in the gut when we see these things.  

Please ge gentle with yourself.  

Butch 

[KATPILOT]

Kevin, when  going through things as you are now, slowly, triggers will be waiting at every drawer you open. It's part of the journey. I found in my wife's night stand drawer, every card I had ever sent her unknowing that she had saved them. (reminds me of you Karen)  On Valentines day, her birthday, and our anniversary, I have put one out even if  just to make me feel better. One day it might bring a smile to your face before it brings a tear to your eye. Time will help make that happen. One day at a time, one step at a time.

I found a few cards I had received from her too and those hurt like hell to see. They don't hurt like that now but it's been over four years. One day when I'm gone and my son's go through my things, they might pause when they find them and just think a little bit. Though Kathy was not their mom, I believe they will recognize how much we loved each other.

To you Kevin and Butch, I can imagine what pain is in your hearts so early on Grief's Journey, but my thoughts are with you. While it might get darker before light shines in, you always have friends here to share with and your stories are warm welcomed tales of love. Still praying for your granddaughter Butch.

[Froggie4635]

Kevin,

Going through the things that belonged to our loved ones is a process. For some, it must be done early, due to having to make a change in residence, or to gain some financial stability.  I have been going through Mark's things in stages.  Tackling the things he had stored in the garage (which dated to a time before we ever met) were the easiest.  It was mostly old textbooks and notes from school way back when.  I was careful to look for things that his family might wish to have...cards, notes, messages scribbled when planning a speech for a rehearsal dinner.  As I waited a little longer to go through some other things, I could feel the hesitation.  I have many of his things that will go to his siblings.  The things that are the hardest to sort through are those things attached to significant events in our life together.  The suit I bought him when we got married...still has the red scarf in the pocket.  I have only been able to touch that once; it hangs in the closet in a place I can't see it (for now). It brings more hurt than my actual wedding gown.  His collection of Hawaiian shirts are where I can see them.  Three pairs of shoes that he wore sit out where I can see them (not sure why I did that).  Yesterday, I went to the front bedroom where a lot of his stuff sits and I sorted and made piles in preparation for pick up some day.  I love holding something that has his handwriting on it. All the cards he gave me, with their wonderful letters inside, are in a beautiful box on top of my nightstand.  I don't take them out too much just yet.  What does one do with all the old socks and...sorry for this, old underwear?  Those things that you cannot donate, but also just can't manage to throw away like old trash.  Those are some of the most PERSONAL of items.  I know he watches me and wonders why I hesitate and hold on to socks and underwear...I just can't let them go.  Handling possessions is such a personal part of this journey.  They can't bring back the one we love.  We just need to understand that the things aren't what hold the magic...it is in our heart that the true love resides.

[kayc]

Kevin,

Going through things is very emotional, it brings up so many memories and the "things" feel like part of them.  Unless you have to move, nothing has to be discarded right away, give yourself time to figure out what you want to hang on to and what you can part with.  Even deodorant or a razor can be hard to let go of.  I did things little by little and what I have left now I will probably keep the rest of my life.  It might help to have someone with you for the biggies...I'm think of when I cleaned out George's car and trailer.  

[JeffNH]

Kevin - so sorry for the loss of your wife.  I lost my Sue just over a month ago and it's hard.  Sometimes one feels that it's too hard to cope with.  But one of the solaces I've found has been in going through Sue's things.  This started first when her Mum and Sister came over from the UK just after Sue passed.  The one thing that Sue's Mum said was that she wouldn't want me to hold on to all of her clothes.  So we first went through her wardrobe sorting out clothes to keep (Sue's wedding dress, special T-shirts etc), Clothes that were going to Sue's Mum and Sister.  We also sorted clothes out for my daughter Becky.  Anything that was left over was donated to a local charity.  This is what Sue would have wanted.  Having Sue's family members with me to make the shared decision on things really helped me alot.  But I think this is echoed by everyone ... letting go of even the most mundane things is hard - what was once just a make-up pad now carries immense value.  I'm sure that Sue is asking why I'm holding on to some of these things.    

I'm sure it's going to take a while for you to get through it all.  I know that I still have a bathroom full of Sue's make-up and there are still the shoes ... Sue loved shoes.  I don't know if anyone else has the same feelings.  For me it has been bittersweet ... I've found all of the love letters we wrote to each other over the years.  Every single birthday, Valentine and anniversary card going back to when we were just boyfriend/girlfriend and just silly things like shopping lists or notes we used to leave each other - priceless things.  We are each on a journey of grief and loss but we don't need to take that journey alone.

Take care

Jeff

[kevin]

Jeff, good words and definitely they come from the heart. I didn't let anyone assist me in the sorting and discarding process because it is just too personal.....I am actually inventorying all the jewellery and putting it in a lock box....some of that stuff is too tempting....Thinking of a Garage sale in the Spring to clean out both our Skates, cloths, toys,bikes, etc .....and a Mountain of Christmas decorations........This week I am putting up a small "Shrine" in the living room . This will display will consist of a small table,the URN, pictures, and some flowers...It is a Journey and I am not sure of the destination.....but it now has some purpose...