Another day alone

[Kpl48]

i woke up alone again today. Each day I wake up, my heart breaks a little more. Facing the reality that my Andre is dead darkens every day. There is no joy or ease I my life. I just get through each day. I'm not really living; I'm just surviving. 

Move been calling a friend when I wake up for about two weeks now. She suggested I do this. It has helped me some. After we talk I feel less pain, but I still feel devastated. I feel so awfully alone. I cry every morning and throughout the day. 

I finallygot some things done, but there's always more to do. It all seems so pointless without Andre I my life. I hate to say it, but I wish I would die. I don't know how long I can go on like this. I know I must live. I must build a new life like Andre wanted me to do. 

[Gwenivere]

Our mornings sound alike.  Each day I feel I am losing any progress towards acceptance of the reality of Steve being gone forever.  It's a terrible way to start a very long day.  I, too, wish it had been me that died.  Although I physically did not suffer the pain he did, I was on that journey in my own way, often helpless to comfort him.  When he was freed, my 'prison' began.  

Life is pointless for me right now.  It's been too short a time to transition from decades together to this new aloneness.  I can't call it 'single' and I hate the word widow.  I feel I am still married in my heart.  It is too tight s bond to surrender easily.  Like you, I just survive.  And I don't know if I want to live again.  My mind is struggling to make sense of something it can't.  

[Margm]

KPL, I woke up alone also.  After 54 years, I reach over on his side of the bed and I tell him I know he is gone and is never coming back.  That does not help, but it is a ritual I have begun.  My granddaughter gave me a life sized huge stuffed soft dog.  I put Billy's boxers on him and his PJ's.  Knowing Billy, I am surprised I do not wake up each morning and find "Daddy Dog" on the floor.  Of course it does not help, but it was so sweet of my granddaughter.  He was the only daddy she ever knew and for 16 years, she was his baby.  We helped raise her.  He was such a wonderful father, grandfather and husband, he is totally irreplaceable.  Our son cannot watch boxing anymore because he and his dad watched it together.  We will be able to do these things again.  It hurts me to look at his picture because I cannot touch those high cheekbones ever again.  I wanted us to die together, like things I read in the paper and things I read to him about long married people dying within minutes of each other.  I wanted to go too.  But, he told me that whoever lived "should stay."  Hurt my feelings at the time, because I was very ill and was sure I was going first.  I was comforted that he was going to take my ashes in the RV with him where ever he went.  But, I know Billy.  He would have taken the RV to the woods and he would have been a hermit, he would have lived alone like that until he finally passed away.  I read a poem, anonymously written.  It goes like this, and actually did not help that much, but the meaning is clear.

One or the other must leave, one or the other must stay. One or the other must grieve, that is forever the way. That is the vow that was sworn, Faithful til death do us part. Braving what had to be borne, Hiding the ache in the heart.  One, howsoever adored, First must be summoned away. That is the will of the Lord, One or the other must stay.

It should be put in poem form, but the spaces would take up too much room.  I hope one day the fog will lift off all of us, and we will find out why we had to stay.

[kayc]

Kristine,

Try not to think about time, just take today, it's all we can handle anyway.  I am glad George isn't left here alone to do this.

[mittam99]

There is no joy or ease I my life. I just get through each day. I'm not really living; I'm just surviving.

For those of us who have lost a soul mate, this pretty much sums up our existence. Our beloved completed us and made our lives feel special.

I've been grieving for 8 months and I can tell you the pain has not eased. The sadness and emptiness of not having my sweet Tammy by my side still overwhelms.

What I've learned so far is that all we can really do is take one day at a time and cope the best we can. Maybe some form of happiness will return at some point in the future...

[Kpl48]

This suffering is too much, isn't it? Every day I struggle to grasp onto something to help me through the day. I've been crying since this morning. I'm still in bed with the tv on. Thankfully I have a support group to go to tonight. I make myself go out almost every day. That way I see the outside and I'm with friends for a while. Otherwise all I'd experience is my deep grief. I'm alive so I must keep living. 

[debi.williams]

Yes  with you all the way. All along this road we don't know the end of. Nor do we know(truly) the destination. Just over 3 months (not yet 4) I have lost my forward energy. The energy I have always relied on to keep me going through dark times, I have known quite a few of those, but this has floored me. 

Forgive me for saying this, but I don't wish I had died. HE Would not have been able to cope with my death. We have 1 son so this is important(not just because of a child, but because it was love talking) . I once sank into a depression after I lost the rest of my family and he said 'if anything happens to me I need to know you  will carry on for Max's sake and mine. Don't go under'. So not getting out of bed, cooking, cleaning, sorting clothes, working at my job is not an option and nor do I think living or dying is. HE would have chosen to live. Right by my side, until death did us BOTH part. 

Like you both, I don't see the point (my son aside). Who cares how my day has been? Who has my back now? Whose opinion do I listen to and know I can trust? Who knows me like his own DNA ? 

Well, he chose me so I must be worth something and that in itself is something.. Please remember that in your darkest despair. You were and are loved. Never give up, ever ever ever.

 

Big hugs to you xxxx

[enna]

Dear Kristine,

I hear your pain and can only imagine how very much you miss your Andre. All we can do each day is survive as we live through our grief. At least this is how it is for these early years. You have only entered your second year and sometimes the second year is so very hard. It will never be as good as it was, but it will get better. It will get better. There is nothing wrong with crying. I think crying helps us to heal.

I hear you echo what so many have echoed when you say “I wish I would die.” There is nothing wrong with having these thoughts as long as they are only thoughts. Your focus is on what you say right after that “I know I must live and that I must build a new life like Andre wanted me to do.” And you will do it in your own time. 

Doing grief work is hard. So many of us have expressed how hard the second year is and I think it is because now you have time to sit with your grief whereas during that first year there were so many things to take care of that it left very little time to allow the pain. We need to read about grief, we need to seek the help of a good grief counselor if we feel we need the help for he/she can guide us through all those messy thoughts, we need to read stories from others who find themselves in this life we don’t want, and we need to let we do each day be enough. I think the worse thing we can do if we feel guilty is to not work our way through it.

There are so many "tools for healing" to help us. 

Sending hugs to all who are struggling.

Anne

 

[SM0317]

I'm new to this discussion group. I'm actually new to any discussion group.  Unfortunately, we share a common bond. I'm so sorry for your loss. Those words are almost silly to me. The pain you are feeling!! The REAL PAIN blows my mind. Today, I woke up and had to tell myself he was gone......again. I don't want to be here. The pain is too much.  But, like you I have to be here. It can't be any other way.  He wouldn't want it any other way.  I just want the pain to stop. It's relentless. Thank you for sharing.  I'm keeping you in my thoughts.  I wish I had some amazing words of comfort for you. The only thing I have is I am right there with you. I'm typing this and my heart is twisting and I can barely see the keys bc of the tears. My heart aches for you in your pain. I don't know you but, I understand and I'm here with you. 

[Kpl48]

This morning is the first morning in many months that I have sat in my living rooms with the blinds up facing our beautiful view. I'm drinking my coffee and have called an understanding supportive friend for company. My husband and I used to sit in the living room like this. We would visit, watch TV and enjoy our view. I have been staying in bed (my refuge) while drinking my coffee for many months. Too overwhelmed to sit in the living room. I'm doing OK so far. I'll plan to do this tomorrow morning. One day at a time!

[Margm]

"One day at a time."

[Guest]

One hour.....

One minute.....

one second....

Anything to get through. 

[Margm]

My daughter is moving back to Louisiana from New Mexico, because Louisiana is "home."  We all need home.  She was crying last night and had to spend the night in a motel, her 2nd night on the road.  I hate that trip through Texas.  I do not hate Texas, I just hate the length of time it takes to get through it.  Billy was such a wonderful father and grandfather, it is hard on all of us.  We each share a big gaping hole in our life that is missing.  You are so right, one hour, one minute, one second.  The sun is out, she put the sunroof open a little to let the sun in.  She is better today for one hour, one minute, one second.  I have not cried yet today, but it rained so hard yesterday, it was so dreary that I know I added a lot of moisture to this house.  Right now I am going to see my neighbor Hettie.  I did not hear from her yesterday.  We try to keep in touch every day.  Her husband has only been gone a little over two years.  She helps me very much, but she gets down with grief too.  We all do.............anything to get through.  You are a wise man Brad.

[hollowheart]

It is most definitely one minute, one second at a time. Someone asked me how I was doing and I said I didn't even know and they said they understand that I was just "putting one foot in front of the other" and that was very accurate. I was just plodding along going through the motions to a certain degree. I feel like I'm flailing at times, just drifting and not really knowing where I'm going, but I'm still moving I guess.  I'm just trying to figure where I'm going while I'm pushing along.

Margaret you are right about the big gaping hole. My heart has surely been shattered. Grief attacks are always just under the surface. I hate it.

[Margm]

I hate it too.  This is a club none of us wanted to ever join.  I was selfish enough to want to go first.  And, all of our feelings, yours and everyone's change at a moment's notice.. That is probably why they tell a person not to do anything for a year.  Right now, right at this moment, right at any moment I want to run, run, run away, anyplace that I am not there.  Of course, that is impossible.  

[Gwenivere]

The topic of this thread couldn't be more accurate.  The very first thought that I wake with is another day to get thru.   Then starts  the process of how and what I can do to move thru time that now passes so slowly.  Some days I have places to go, but even then it's hard because the pain in my constant companion and ultimately I have to come home to the empty house.  There are some things I am getting used to like eating alone, but then something else will take its place.  I guess it is waiting til all the hiding places are exhausted except in our hearts.  And I HATE grief attacks!  They are sneaky and can hit whenever they please.  I hear about people making time each day to deal with their pain, but that doesn't work for me.  I hate being at the mercy of them as I've lost so much control over so much.  I am sure it is something I see or unconsciously think that triggers them, but not knowing what that is makes it even more infuriating.  Then I am left as this crushed mass wishing, yet again, he would just come home and stop this madness.  Then the cycle begins again begins again because he can't.  I never thought I would see the day our love for each other could possibly include the word torture in its definition.  The best thing that ever happened to me is now the worst.  This is one of those days I can't see any light in memories or past happy times.  Just have to get thru it.

[newnormal]

I am so happy I found this site.  The thoughts going through my head are actually spoken by others as well.  I go to bed praying I will not wake up. I even make sure that everything is in its place and organized so that if I am that lucky it will not be a mess for my daughter.  The first thought when I do realize I am awake is disappointment. I too have anxiety attacks.  Never had one in my life until we were driving to bury my husband.  My son who came from Korea imploding and was drinking on the way up and saying terrible things.  I didn't handle that well.  Next thing I know my heart is beating like a hammer, my hands are numb to the point I had to pull over and have my daughter drive.  I told myself heart attack or not, I WILL bury my husband first and I did.  The attacks come now so random.  In a store, thinking of what has happened, or an issue that has to be dealt with that has "confusion." You know, when you talk to the people on the phone who don't understand your husband has died, and this is why you have to do this or that, and they have to help you do it by filing a form, etc. They can even come when seeing people in a store or something that we did together.  Fresh cranberries sent me running out of the store last week in a crying fit.  I am sure people thought I was completely crazy.  I was and still am.

I am dreading the holidays.  As a woman who LIVED for the holidays, I really can't believe I speak those words now.  My husband used to say that these three months are all I needed for the year and he was right.  So many traditions.  For 28 years, we went together to a tree farm to get a tree.  A Christmas ornament to remind us of the wonderful year from day one of finding out I was pregnant with our son.  Decorations everywhere.  Christmas cookies.  Husbands birthday coconut cake every year on the 12th.  Sons birthday on the 9th.  Daughters birthday on the 1st.  Thanksgiving dinner with a 20 pound turkey because son and husband both LOVED the dark meat.  The ever so cute way he would always ask me if I got the fresh cranberries to make him cranberry sauce.  The signs he and I made on the back of wrapping paper that we put up on the kids wall on their birthday.  We mailed the signs to them when they were older.  All gone.

He was very doting on his older sister and always had me buy her both a Christmas and birthday gift.  I dread having to do that this year, but in my mind, I know he would want me to do that still.  Not sure how I am going to get that done but I will for him. 

I just want to fast forward to February.  Know I can't.  Just don't know how I can either. Guess a day at a time.

I did run away.  We had a beautiful "Grandbaby" house that we had since February done a lot to.  We had plans.  We had honey bees together.  We had been collecting boards to build a garden next year.  We were going to have chickens.  We were going to Yellowstone next year-he always wanted to go.  He was two years from retirement.  Our kids were happy and were well on their way. It was finally OUR time. Then life ended.  I blocked it all doing tasks.  I didn't even tell my neighbors.  I put the house on the market, I did all the paperwork required.  I maintained it all. I packed up our life and put 3/4 in storage and now live in a rental house about 30 minutes from my daughter.  I have my husbands office set up but can't go in there without going into a tizzy.  Took me a week and a lot of discussions with him.  

People told me I was strong.  I wasn't.  Just really really good at running.  I am running out of ways to run and that scares me.

 

[hollowheart]

Oh NewNormal, 

That is a heartbreaking story and so many things you said ring true to me in a similar way even though I didn't have a spouse, but so many other things ring true like loving the holidays and waiting for those 3 months, having traditions and such. My heart broke even more when you said he was 2 years from retirement, and the chickens and gardens you were planning on. Why is it that when things finally start to pull together it just falls apart? It's like some cruel, torturous devil joke played upon us. If losing our loved one isn't bad enough, the pain has to be heaped on by taking them away when life is starting to fall into place.

I know me and my sister were starting to figure out our careers, I had finally made a decision about going into Education where she already was and I know she would have helped me out there. I was going to finally get a car and we would have enjoyed the hell out of that running around together shopping. Now all gone, just like you said. All your plans shot to hell in a minute. I'm tired of feeling like I've been set adrift. I just hate that 'no purpose' feeling I have all day. Dont' have any plans, don't want to really make any plans because I really only want to make plans with her. So, them I'm just stuck.

I also want to run, I want to move from where I am because EVERYTHING around where we live reminds me of her and thing we will never do together again. But I can run to the ends of the Earth and I'd still be alone.

I don't give a s*** about that 'you're strong' s***. I think people think that encourages us, and I also think it's more for them than us. When they saw you selling your house, making decisions, etc. They figured you were holding it together quite well and pretty much had not changed which makes them comfortable. They don't want to see us wailing and not getting out of bed.

[Margm]

I want to admit something about this "another day alone" topic.  My friend lost her husband in December.  She took care of him for a very long time.  Their relationship was like most relationships in that it was "not like most relationships."  We all had different stories.  The fact of life, or death, is that we were left alone.  In my case I went from Mama and Daddy's house directly to Billy and my house.  I have never been alone in 73 years.  But, my friend of many years said she sat down in front of his favorite chair after he was gone and told him all the bad things about their relationship over the years and then she told him about all the good things, and it was a number of years to hash over.  She was exhausted when she finished.  I talked to Billy's favorite four hats on the passenger side of the truck on my way to the "big city" from our little town.  I talked non-stop, even about the first terrible nine years, then about the years in between, about all he had done wrong, but most of all, all I had done wrong and in the end, in the past thirty years we had forgiven each other and he was my best friend.  I told him what a good father, husband and grandfather he was.  By the time I returned home, I was totally exhausted, but I was totally "talked out," no more to rehash.  We had forgiven each other any trouble we had caused the other one.  My big mistake was, each night I would go to bed and each morning I would wake up telling him that he was not here anymore and would never come back.  My friend said "don't do that."  So, I have started telling his side of the bed how much I still love him and that he will always be with me until the end of time.  That helped me more than telling him/myself that he was gone.  We all have to make a pathway through this canebrake of grief.  We have to knock down the trees, weeds, debris that gets in our way to make a place we can walk, a place we can breathe, a place eventually that we will see the sun.  No path is the same.  No method helps everyone the same, sometimes you meet an obstruction you just have to sit down until you are strong enough to get through.  I still have no answers.  I am still not strong enough to break through the obstruction, but I have a lot of "girlfriends" who have gone through this for a lot longer than I have, and I am hoping I can come out on the other side, like they have, but it has to be my own path, just like it has to be yours.  I talk big, but I have not even faced but one month tomorrow morning.  I am a fledgling.  I had Billy 54 years, and they were my life, he was my life.  Now I have to make a life, and it is not easy, but I see my two grown middle aged children hurting so bad too.  Billy was an exceptional person, losing him hurt a lot of people.

[kayc]

Newnormal,

Your talking about holiday traditions reminded me of how I've dealt with the holidays over the years since my husband died.  I continued buying him ornaments for the tree.  He loved Christmas and everything about it, so rather than forget it, I want to celebrate it with him as much as I am able.  I have continued to hang his stocking and put a note in it telling him what I remember about him, what he meant to me.  The kids were welcome to as well, but now they're grown and have their own Christmas celebrations.  I am alone here, but his spirit lives on.  I will always talk to him and think about it, that is continual.  It carries with it a kind of sadness as it's not the same.

[newnormal]

Good way to look at it.  Remind myself how much I do love him and that while he's not here, WE still are.  Just because he died physically, doesn't mean he died in ME.  I wish I could have been a better wife, but also realize that he had faults too.  Yes, it sucks that we only had about six months that we were on the same "page" of his last year of life, but we did have those six months.  I just miss him so. It reminds me of when he went to Korea when he was in the Army.  My mom had alzheimers, we had our son less than a year old, I was working full time.  He would send me audio tapes.  It is of him talking about he has already been there a month and you can tell he is trying to be so positive.  Then there is a pause and he changes the subject.  That is how I kinda feel.  I am four months into this. Positive.  Until I remember how long I have to go until I get to him again.  

Cant come soon enough.

 

[kayc]

I'm glad you have those tapes, what I wouldn't give for that!  I wish I'd kept George's letters, but I didn't because they were just for me and I didn't want to die and have someone else read them, but I wish I'd kept them and just left instructions upon my death not to read.  They were personal, they told the story of his life, everything he felt.    I don't have any recordings of him, even his cell phone message disappeared two weeks after he died.

Yes, "we" still exist, whether he is here in body or not.

[Guest]

Today I am really missing my wife.  She was the caregiver and I was the one in need of care for the past thirty years.  Not wanting to complain but needing a soft shoulder top cry on that is no longer there.  Still fighting an upper respiratory infection that I can't seem get on top of in spite of antibiotics and prescription cough syrup.  Ribs and head hurt from endless hacking.  Additionally had a squamous cell lesion removed from my left hand 18 days ago, stitches came out Thursday and the wound popped open yesterday.  Now need to make the 400 mile round trip to have them tell me I need to let it heal inside out over the next eight weeks.  Crohn's Disease decided to flair 10 days ago so the prednisone is not helping my mood.  On top of it all it's been another dreary, drizzly, sleety, yucky, mucky day.  For the first time in years and years I haven't found the energy to shower or dress.  Deedo pampered me, spoiled me rotten and now I feel so inadequate.  I can't seem to take care of myself.  Up until now I was feeling I was going to someday be okay but if this is what every little virus will do to me I wonder.  

In perspective these are all just minor annoyances that in the grand scheme do not matter at all....they simply continue to focus on the fact the one who could make my owwies go away is no longer around to coddle me.

 

"Some people care too much.  I think it's called love."  Winnie the Pooh

Edited November 15, 2015 by Brad

[newnormal]

Brad, My husband had ulcerative colitis and chrohns disease was lurking per the doctors for years.  If not too personal, exactly what are you eating?  I know you know the drill about the bland foods but if you were like my husband, he didn't like to do it. I did it for 28 years.  So here is the "wife" lecture.  Get yourself to the store, buy the white rice (yes they make it in microwave bowls so it is NO fuss), some jello, sugar free, some peas, and some eggs.  Make poached eggs on rice for about three days Brad.  It will allow your system to calm down from the stress of the sugars from the prescription cough medicine.  Yes, we had been down this road as well.  Do what your wife did most likely and put your pillows on top of each other so that you are sitting up sleeping so that the fluids back off the cough a bit.  I know its in your lungs but you also most likely have drainage.  Can you get a butterfly and pull the incision together?  It is too big?

She did it because she loved you Brad.  Show her you were paying attention. 

Oh by the way, easy for me to say all this.  I understand this from the wife point of view.  That said, I lost it again at the grocery store and had to run out.  Another panic attack, tears flowing like a faucet.  Couldn't stop them.  I hope my lecture is taken with a smile because I mean it only in kindness.

It is gonna take years Brad if it ever gets better.  I am not certain it will.  I listen to my husbands tape every day when he was in Korea.  He did a countdown to coming home.  I do a countdown every day to one less day I am here until I can go find him.

You know what to do for that colon.  Get it done Brad for your wife.  

 

 

 

[Guest]

Yes I am eating low fiber and following through with doctors.  I'm also treated at the Mayo so I'm getting outstanding care.  I was just in four days this week to different specialists.  Re: hand wound they don't want to close it but will let it granulate out.  The tumor was rather large and I don't think anyone will be surprised it popped.  The stitches were in for 15 days and I thought it would be okay so I kind of encouraged their removal when the question came up.  Sorry now I didn't listen better.

I do appreciate the concern and accept it as intended with a smile on my face; I was diagnosed with Crohn's disease over forty years ago so this is routine.  I will need an adjustment to my remicade in all probability.  While I am mostly in remission I do have little surprises every year of two. The last time I had one was when my wife started to show symptoms of what was later diagnosed as lung cancer.  I regret that we did not know then what was in store for us. I don't know if those four months would have made a difference but I can't help but wonder.

Again thank you - you did Deedo proud.