Sunlight

[Margm]

Nothing but an observation.  It is raining and dreary here.  Okay, so is my mood.  I am fighting my emotions.  I am trying so hard to fight this depression, this grief.  Weather changes bring on too much.  Too much everything.  My neighbor sister widow Hettie was even fighting it too.  I need sunlight.  We all need relief from this pain.  Sometimes I can fight it to some extent.  It has not been a month yet.  I have to fight to keep final pictures from flashing in my brain.  My grandmother, aunt, other relatives passed away in their 90s.  My mother is 94.  These had to be strong women.  Why am I such a coward.  I have to fight this..........................

[MartyT]

Oh my dear Margaret, please don't label yourself a coward. That is so unkind and so unfair. You are barely a month away from the death of your beloved. Think about how you feel if you have a headache. It hurts; it feels as if it will last forever; it consumes you and you can think of nothing else; you've no idea how long it will last and you'd give anything to have it end. This is so much more than a headache, and there is no time limit on this pain. Lean into it, stop trying to fight it, feel every part of it, and bear with it until its intensity eases up a bit ~ but please, please don't ever judge yourself for finding it so hard to do. That only makes you feel worse than you do already. The strength of those women in your family is in your genes and is part of your DNA. You're still here, you ARE fighting to endure this pain, and I think you are far braver than you give yourself credit for . . . 

[Margm]

Marty, thank you for shoring me up.  The headache analogy hit me.......right in the heart.  You see, I never have headaches, luckily, and I better knock wood on that one.  I did give in twice in the first week and went into our RV to scream into a pillow.  Both times it gave me a headache, so it is one of those things that, well, if it hurts, don't do it.  But yesterday I woke up with a headache.  That is always a clue to me my blood pressure is a little high.  Does not have to go up much, just a tiny bit and Billy would take my blood pressure when I had a headache.  It might be 140/80, which is too high, but just that little bit would give me a headache.  Still had it when I went to bed last night, had taken my blood pressure medicine as I am supposed to do, every day.  But, I went to bed thinking I should leave my kids a note about how to get my insurance.  That is one thing I have to do, another piece of business I have to attend to because Billy is the beneficiary.  No headache today, just heartache.  Thank you Marty, I needed to read this.  I so want to be "up" for everyone, but sometimes I just cannot.

[enna]

This is for you, Margaret. One of our members always sprinkles us with fairy dust, too. Just be who you are and let that be enough. 

 

[Margm]

Thank you Enna, that was so sweet.  I don't think I cried day before yesterday, but I have made up for it today.  Sometimes it is heck being human.  

[hollowheart]

Margaret I feel the same way as you do about the weather. Recently it rained all day I thought, 'yes, these are my tears just falling and falling all day'. Any rainy days I feel that way now. I have just cried whenever I wanted to cry. I have tried to curb some thoughts that were especially sad to me because I feel like that would break me.

I remember when my cat of 21 years died, I cried all day the next day and I couldn't say her name without crying. I know this is different than loosing a pet, obviously, but I'm just saying that when I got to a point that I could handle it better--I did. But I didn't push it. It's just how you feel and it is NOT cowardice. The mood swings are going to happen for a while. I'm fighting them too. It's going to be a while before things settle. Be nice and patient with yourself. I'm trying as well.

[Margm]

I think we so want things to be normal again, but we all know it will never be normal again.  But hopefully the sun will shine again.  Thank you all.

[Guest]

I used to love the rain. Growing up in the Intermountain West and moving to Arizona rain was rare and always a treat. Now it depresses me too. When it's gloomy outside I struggle much more and miss Deedo so ever much more. 

Edited November 12, 2015 by Brad

[kevin]

I lived on the West Coast of British Columbia for over 10 years......I started out Logging in the Summer then finished school and moved to the Manufacturing side. But the big trees need big rain, and we went weeks and weeks without seeing the sun......Our joke was you don't tan, you rust.........Now, later in life, We chose less rain, less snow, and a whole lot less cold.............We  love the dry and the sun, providing the Mountains get the snow........Overcast skies and dreary weather  ,definitely effects my mood.......if there is a move in my future ,it has to be  somewhere dry and sunny..........

[Margm]

Well, I picked a movie to watch tonight where the man's wife had just died in the hospital.  I turned that off fast.   Watched The Voice instead.  I looked at forecast for tomorrow, it did not forecast my mood, but it did forecast sun.  At this point in this life we have, we have to hope for something, even if it is just the sun.  I want you to know, all of you, my heart is with all of you going through this horrible time in our life.  I hope even for sunlight.  

[kevin]

Sunshine Somewhere..........read somewhere you were doing some "paper work" and someone else mentioned it was like"erasing" a name...I have been sending letters "Certified Death Certificates", Certified Marriage Certificates, and in one case proof of Co-habitancy........I picked up the phone today(after 40 minutes) got through to a person and they assured me (with numbers and dates), that the applications and Pensions (widower)are all approved as of Nov. 10/2015......That is one big box of papers off my Kitchen table...... The Sun is Shining, I think my Angela helped it along.......

[Margm]

Kevin, my big opposition is talking to robots who are not there.  Then they give you up to 9 numbers to punch and the 0 is what you should have punched at the first.  I was so surprised to call our Group Insurance company (we both retired from the State of Louisiana, me from LSU and him from Dept of Hwys.  I was so surprised when I finally talked to a real person and they told me they had been informed of all the information and everything was taken care of.  If they removed his insurance payment from my next retirement deposit, it would be returned.  Best, easiest thing I have had to do with this "death" business so far.  Still, removing him from my Medicare or my insurance is just another sign that I am on my own.  So be it.  To quote John Denver (I think), "Some days are diamonds, some days are stones."  Only, our diamonds are just cut glass.  

[kevin]

Margaret .....a trick I was given, when the robots got you ,go to " 0" right away.......it doesn't work all the time, but keep dialing and within 3 or 4 tries you get the" you are in the que" with 5 minute wait.......This inability to talk to a person is a result of just too many cutbacks and poor decisions. Consider how the Vets feel trying to get a straight answer when nobody is there to talk to them.......

 

[Margm]

My son is a submarine vet.  I will try the "0" right away.  Thanks Kevin.

 

[Gwenivere]

I live in Seattle which is notoriously dark and gloomy from October to about April.  I never adapted to it being from New Mexico even tho it has been 30 years now.  But I am now more sensitive to the lack of light just coming off a gorgeous summer which helped with the grief.  It's hard to be in the house mid day with lights on.  I look outside at the drizzle and dread doing the errands for the day.  I prefer night when the darkness makes sense.  We are so vulnerable to everything around us now.  I dread the phone ringing wondering if it will be some organization looking for Steve and again I have to say he is deceased.  Or a well meaning person to see how I am when I may be not thinking of it right then and get pulled into that.  Grief complicates everything and I feel like I am in alert mode all the time.  So as I look out the window at another drizzly, windy day knowing I have to go out there, it's a push to do so.  Sunlight doesn't cure grief, but it helps our brains in other ways.  It's like the bad weather blows me around like the emotions so there is no respite.  A double whammy.  Maybe it is because I crave some warmth and comfort more so than ever at this time.  

[Margm]

Sometimes it is not just the weather.  Those four hats of Billy's that I talked to so emotionally earlier in the week, I was just going to the grocery store, just a mile or so away, and the sight of those precious hats have had me crying ever since.  Okay, must be like those crazy hormones that made us cry at anything when we were pregnant, only I think my hormones have gone, just like our loved ones.  Just crazy, stupid, forever more, cursed (and I could say a string of that) grief.  Damn grief.  

[Gwenivere]

It's amazing how differently we all approach this.  I don't carry anything of Steve's with me when I am out.  I know it would do to me what it does to you.  Damn grief is right!  I feel like I picked up a hitchhiker and new roommate I can't get rid of.  

[kayc]

Gwenivere, we are just a few hours away then, I'm in Oakridge, OR.  I'm on top of a mountain and we seldom get fog so it doesn't really look gloomy but normally OR gets a lot of rain, just like WA.  We're supposed to get snow Sunday and Monday.  I always have to plan my winter around weather/roads.

[Gwenivere]

Living in places built in forests is always a challenge, Kay.  Even in snow I have to venture out and see his far I can get because I had feeling trapped.  You said the dreaded S word....snow!  

[kayc]

Snow is fine if you can stay in by the fire and don't have to go anywhere.    But it is a four letter word!

[kevin]

This Song takes in the Wet, Sunshine, and Snow...........Tommy James                        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=skydln4BhDI

[Gwenivere]

Wow Kevin!  I had forgotten about that song.  What a great tune!  1971 no less.  Thanks for sharing that.

[Margm]

I had forgotten the song also.  I can listen to music from the 70's, all of it.  Clearance Clearwater Revival my favorites.  Forgot Tommy James completely.  It was my generation that went to the Vietnam war and should have come back and been as revered as "the greatest generation" from WW-II.  We had many that "took to the hills."  We were keeping an RV park for friends up in Jasper, AR in about 1997.  Some Vietnam vets still lived hidden in the hills.  One came down occasionally to shower in the park's stalls.  There was no soap and he came over to tell me.  I gave him a new box of Dial soap.  When he finished showering, he was so humble he returned the used soap in its box.  We lost a lot of good fellows that had to serve, that, at that time, were required to fight this war that the USA hated.  They are my heroes.  I think constantly about my grief and the suddenness of his passing, but everyone that died in our wars, in the Paris attack, each one had a family that loved them and there are so many that are grieving with us forever.  Does not lessen our grief, but I did not feel this way when my dad passed away.  His illness was so painful and drawn out that we just wanted relief for him.  These people that are losing loved ones to this senseless terrorism attacks, their grief has to be as horrible as ours.  I am selfish, I think of myself too much. 

[kevin]

Not being to quick to condemn any one person or group but our History(going back to Old Testy) sure has a lot of violence associated with religion........Fighting army on army, I see as the ultimate waste but, I can understand......but these cowardly attacks on soft civilian targets I cannot stomach........I think the UN...security council...had better step forward, unanimously, and put this terrorism to bed once and for all....and no way around it, it's boots on the ground with Leadership ..............

[Margm]

Growing up Baptist, my dad was one of three deacons in our small church, cleaning the church ourselves on Saturday, Girls Auxiliary on Monday night, Wednesday prayer meeting, Thursday Brotherhood (yes, we women/girls provided refreshments and attended), Sunday of course, lots of times visiting preachers ate Sunday dinner with us, running off the Sunday church bulletin, revivals, my free time was all spent at church (and I was a wild child, so perhaps that was best).  No doubt when "set free" I felt guilty the whole rest of this life when anything happened.  My friend told me to start reading all of Psalms.  I grew up thinking God was a vengeful God that took out our sins on us by punishing us.  Then, after the cancer, my pastor said that God was not a punishing God.  Well, it is too early for me to read Psalms again.  It scared me as much as some of the sermons preached in our fire and brimstone church scared me.  Sometimes I was afraid to come out into the sunlight.  Can we even wonder why people are talking out against Scientology?  I am not without sin, so I should not point fingers, but right now I have a beef with God.  I think he knows it.  Billy was the one who helped me with my faith.  All of these wars and rumors of wars were talked about in the Bible.  In the 1950's I was sure the world was going to end.  In the 1960's I was sure they were going to bomb Barksdale AFB which was within reach of all my family.  I won't lose my faith, it is ingrained into me as much as my DNA.  But, I am taking a break from some of the fear.  Big words, little mind, afraid of the dark still.  Never been alone.  I need big canisters of bear spray.  Probably another of my "going bear hunting with a switch" notions.