MartyT Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 I'm so sorry, dear Karen. You've endured so much. So not fair. My heart just hurts for you . . . ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 Karen, I see you are farther down this path than I am. I am just entering my 2nd year. I don't know when you lost your daughter, but I cannot fathom the pain these losses have brought you. Going thru Christmas decorations reminds me how we also enjoyed so many. Special things for the season and also things all over the house the were gifts to each other or chosen together for a special reason. We knew each other so well we knew when something fascinated the other and it would appear. Or knowing something they hadn't seen yet that would thrill them. They are but tangible things, but when you obtain something for another with love, it isn't that same object it was on the store shelf. It has meaning now. Like magic. There are some things that have disappeared from our home that make m feel like h is being erased. He willed just about all his treasured musical instruments to his friends. I donated his clothes, but it is not the empty closets that make me sad. It is I never do laundry now of his. Changing everything we own to my name was sad. I kept his name on our checking account. Like his favorite and first guitar he left me, I need to see his name on something. It may be small, but I don't want to erase him everywhere. I sometimes wonder if I was transported to another place away from all the reminders what that would like. I'd still carry the sadness and be around things that were without feeling. I know someday I will need to get rid of some stuff that is just taking up space without meaning. What's interesting to me is I can't even put his placemat in the drawer. I tried and it was too sad. So many things, big or small we never gave a 2nd thought to before. Never dreamed they would ever end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 5, 2015 Report Share Posted December 5, 2015 It's amazing how much emotion we attach to things. I never thought about it before, but my kids probably won't want much of my stuff either, no room for it, they have their own. I'm glad I won't be here to see them throw it all out. So much of the stuff we have is for sentimental reasons, that's why we can't toss it. Karen, my heart goes out to you, you are doing what I should be doing, but without anyone to help me, it is way too daunting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 My husband and I downsized quite a bit when I retired. About a month ago I was able to get rid of most of our stuff in our 10x10 shed. I let go of stuff that I didn't want my relatives to have to go through. I kept about seven boxes of stuff that still seems important to me. With Andre gone I don't have anyone to remenence with. It's all I my memories now. How I wish he was here with me. I miss him so much. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kpl48 Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 That's the sad truth Gwenivere... I never thought our life together would ever end. Now I often wish my life would end so I could be with Andre. But I must live on. I accept that, but living on an really hurt especially when I'm alone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 I am not thinking of it as getting rid of things.....I've "re-homed" different items to those I knew would appreciate the item(s) and respect the memory of my husband. Connor loved wolves....considered the wolf as his "spirit animal"....and a dear friend of ours also loves wolves...so I gave him Connor's beautiful leather wallet with a embossed wolf, and his beautiful "coffee table" books about wolves. His youngest brother is a avid hiker, and I gave to him Connor's prized hand carved walking staff....his clothing I've donated to a program that assists homeless vets, as he was a proud Navy veteran. I asked those close to us if there were anything they'd like to have as a memento....our closest friend, who is like a sister to us, had only one request...one of his canes. He needed to use one, but nothing just utilitarian for him! He had really nice crafted ones, a few he made himself....and considered them as a sort of "fashion statement" as well as useful. She does not use a cane....but wanted one as a memento and I was happy to provide that! Still other things to go through.....but I will do that as I feel up to the task....trying to share items he treasured with those who are also grieving the loss of him. I wear his wedding band on a chain to feel him close to me.....and some things I'll never part with.....but, above all....it's the memories that mean the most. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Oh.....just wish to add.....even the "name" I chose for this forum reflects my loss. My Connor loved wolves....even had a wolf tattoo....his nickname was "Wolf".....my name is Kathleen, but I go by Kat. So I am "WolfsKat"......it seems fitting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Bravo to Connor! So many people dislike wolves. They are a magnificent wild animal to be respected and at times feared, as all wild animals are. I admire the pack mentality and protecting the family. I am also a "wolf" person with a collection of different items and have visited a wolf sanctuary in New Mexico. My screen name on another forum is "wolfen". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 6, 2015 Report Share Posted December 6, 2015 Steve and I were very much into wolves. They are remarkable creatures. Thier social structure is very organized and respected so they can live without the kind of petty things we humans create to complicate our lives. We have many framed pictures of them thru out the house. We also have a sanctuary here in Washington state we visited that took in wolves that were abused or thought of as pets which never works. Some get reintroduced to the wild and some stay, but at least they have lives that are safe and close to natural. The devotion of the alpha pair is so strong. Better than some marriages I have seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 The wolf offers some of the most striking animal meanings in the realm of spirit animals. The power of the wolf brings forth instinct, intelligence, appetite for freedom, and awareness of the importance of social connections. This animal can also symbolize fear of being threatened and lack of trust. When the wolf shows up in your life, pay attention to what your intuition is telling you. What is the wolf spirit animal meaning? In the spirit animal kingdom, the wolf symbolizes: Sharp intelligence, deep connection with instincts Appetite for freedom Expression of strong instincts Feeling threatened, lack of trust in someone or in yourself .......Totems West Coast Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted December 7, 2015 Report Share Posted December 7, 2015 Kevin, thanks for sharing that, I love wolves too, all the more so since I love Huskies and they remind me of them. I hate it when they take the wolves off the endangered list and people kill them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tfer Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 On 11/23/2015 at 2:04 AM, Gwenivere said: "Our house has 2 rooms that are not used now, his office and bathroom. But I have to walk thru his office for access to the backyard. I feel strange every time I change the bed. So many changes when they leave us. Fir me, he may not be here anymore, but we built this together and being anywhere else would make me feel even more separate from him." Gwenivere, you are so right. Ritchie built the most amazing home for us - my dream home and it is filled with him. But the thought of living anywhere else is to separate from him and I don't want to do that.I feel him here so I plan to stay for at least a while. I too had an issue with his office because our offices are adjoining rooms with an archway. I work at home so was spending all day looking at his office. I cleared it all out, repainted and hung up beautiful things on the walls. Now that room is not quite as painful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted December 14, 2015 Report Share Posted December 14, 2015 Our house is Deedo's through and through. I was fortunate in that during the ugly times we were in Phoenix either at the Hope Lodge or later on in our apartment. I have very few bad memories of our house, all happy ones and all of the ugly ones were in a place I no longer need to visit. I am slowly making some changes to make the house more mine. Deedo had a year round Christmas room she loved but it took away a guest room. Now the kids have families I'm turning my den into a guest room to encourage the kids to visit more often, and then have turned her Christmas room into my den. Given the layout it makes much more sense. The kitchen, living room and our bedroom will stay the same for a very long time. I also have erected beau coup shrines both inside and out. I guess I've turned into a habitual enshirement griever but they do help me to smile and remember her for who she really was. By the way, does anyone else still speak in the plural? (We, our, us) I find myself still refering to us in conversations, probably will for the rest of my life. But then I have Deedo's wedding band on the pinky finger next to my wedding band; yep left hand. I see myself as married forever and don't want anyone confused. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted December 15, 2015 Report Share Posted December 15, 2015 3 hours ago, Brad said: By the way, does anyone else still speak in the plural? (We, our, us) I find myself still refering to us in conversations, probably will for the rest of my life. But then I have Deedo's wedding band on the pinky finger next to my wedding band; yep left hand. I see myself as married forever and don't want anyone confused Brad, I definitely DO.......I don't think that will change, ever. We were almost like one entity. I can't wear Connor's wedding band (far too large and not a style that can be resized) on my finger, but have it on a chain I wear. And of course my engagement ring & wedding band I wear....outward symbol of my belief that we ARE still together....just separated for a time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 15, 2015 Report Share Posted December 15, 2015 3 hours ago, Brad said: By the way, does anyone else still speak in the plural? (We, our, us) I find myself still refering to us in conversations, probably will for the rest of my life. But then I have Deedo's wedding band on the pinky finger next to my wedding band; yep left hand. I see myself as married forever and don't want anyone confused. Oh my lord, yes! I say us, we and ours all the time. Not in all things, like 'we' are taking the dog to the vet tomorrow. But I use the terms in regards to our belongings, we did this of that for an occasion it was like that for us too. It is mostly about the house as I don't want it to be just mine, it is ours and always will be. Almost doesn't make sense sometimes, but it makes me feel better and that is what matters. Life moving on erased enough of Steve on its own. Legalities and such. I've never stopped to think how this may sound to the people I talk to, but no one has ever seemed surprised or said anything. I, also, still feel I am married. I don't care for the term widow and definitely not single! Steve may not be here, but I am with him and him with me til I leave too. The thought of him not being here and me finding that acceptable is not on my radar. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted December 15, 2015 Report Share Posted December 15, 2015 5 hours ago, Tfer said: Gwenivere, you are so right. Ritchie built the most amazing home for us - my dream home and it is filled with him. But the thought of living anywhere else is to separate from him and I don't want to do that.I feel him here so I plan to stay for at least a while. I too had an issue with his office because our offices are adjoining rooms with an archway. I work at home so was spending all day looking at his office. I cleared it all out, repainted and hung up beautiful things on the walls. Now that room is not quite as painful. I cleared out some things, but cannot bring myself to really dig into his things and change anything beyond the mess it was. Now his desk is tidy and 'waiting' odd as that seems. There are lots of shelved with his clutter I do not want to tackle because it overwhelms me and it leaves his presence without being in the way. I was talking to his music buddies about the recording studio and how it needed to be cleaned, and the only thing we could agree on was mopping the floor. They are also attached to his stuff where it is, they don't want to change much either. Guess we are all keeping him alive in how he kept things because we can't give him up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted December 15, 2015 Author Report Share Posted December 15, 2015 Billy's retirement was delayed because on the form I filled out as married. It was supposed to be "single." I hate closing doors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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