6 weeks today

[Amily]

6 weeks today - when does it get easier? 

I can't fathom living the rest of my life like this 

[Margm]

Amily, it will be six weeks Saturday that Billy left this world.  I came directly here I think three days later.  My faith, my religion was not helping me.  Nothing was helping me.  I cannot say anything helps now.  None of us want to be here, but sometimes talking it out provides one moment of solace.  Only one moment.  I am of the age that a lot of my friends had already lost their husbands. They have been my guides.  My neighbor has been my rock.  She lost her husband a little over two years ago.  I visited her today and the holidays make us depressed.  My son is bipolar and the holidays always made him depressed, even before he lost his father.  This year will be hard.  Every year will be hard.  I think the saying goes that the journey of 1000 miles begins with one step.  And right now you and I are probably both afraid and alone and that step on this path is hard to see.  I do have some of my faith back though, and even though I cannot see daylight yet, I am hoping that I might be able to soon.  There is so much to take care of and to tell you the truth, paying bills, eating, talking to people, reading, watching TV, that is something we have to make ourselves do.  It is not easy.  I know Marty will provide you with literature to read that provides some insight, maybe not comfort yet, but some idea that we are all going through a bad time together.  Knowing that does not help.  But knowing grief was not a mental illness helped me a lot.  I cannot guarantee that I am not certifiable right now though.  Just stay with us.  

[iPraiseHim]

That is an easy question to ask but there is no easy response.  I'm at 40 weeks of grief and loss/  I can't imagine I've made it this far.  If I could give advice it would be to read other posts who have traveled before you.  No one person path is the same but there are some [patterns that are similar.  After the initial shock of the loss, I was just trying to get my bearings and make sense of a senseless world.  Many days, I just go through the motion and just feel what ever feelings come up instead of stuffing them down, hiding from them, ignoring them, or medicating myself with a number of useless diversions.  I am still going forward and moving through life.  I loved my wife to the utmost, but not perfect.  She was the best thing that ever happened to me in my life.  Everyday was joy filled even when we had our disagreements. I cherished every day with her. Now life is very different.  I have gradually become more accepting of the fact that she is gone from this world.  I try my best to live in the now each day.  But i still have moments that remind me of her.  Sunday, at church, we were singing one of her favorite songs, " It is well with my soul"  I was singing through the tears streaming down, but I sang it as I was singing to her.  I couldn't listen to soft jazz music until the last couple of months.  Now when I listen, I have fond memories of my wife.  I just followed others advice, Get plenty of rest, take exercise, take care of your body because grief work takes a lot of energy and cry often.  It is the lubricant that helps us cope with the loss of our most beloved spouse and actually release stress in our bodies. Have a blessed Thanksgiving.  Shalom

 

[kayc]

That is a question that doesn't have an answer because it's different for everyone.  Please rest assured it WILL get better though.  You're doing your grief work, letting yourself feel the grief, expressing yourself, it will evolve and change and lessen in pain and intensity and frequency.

[Guest]

This journey cannot be measured in the day to day unlike most things in life. But after some time one can see changes when reflecting back on where one was and where one us today. Although I am still filled with profound sadness every day I do see that I am not where I was in August or September when I was only capable of crying. 

[Guest]

Today marks four months; 123 days. Still feels like someone else's life; how can it possibly be mine; ours was the happily ever after one. From the time we met until the time we parted it was always perfection. Loving Deedo was as easy as sliding on ice. The amazing thing was she loved me back. I always wanted to be the person she saw in me.

Now it crashes in on me; it is so surreal. I don't cry as much although I do cry daily. I've stopped creating shrines; the house and yards are all Deedo. But still the all-present grief reigns supreme. I spend my days searching for distractions to numb. Nights are long, lonely, lost. 

But still there are the memories and they are now bringing smiles and chuckles so there is change. 

[Margm]

Brad, the only recent memory, or any memory I can handle is when my son got Billy some marijuana.  He had never smoked it and by this time he was using a walker.  He went down in five weeks what would normally take months or years.  Anyhow, they were sitting out in front of the RV, he had a pipe smoking it.  I came out the garage door and he jumped up and ran bowlegged to hug me.  Both grown kids were up ready to grab him because he could not walk good, much less run.  It was so comical, his legs were so bowlegged and he was happy.  I sure wish they would make that stuff legal for people with illness.  I cannot even smoke regular cigarettes, but it made him feel so good for such a short time, I know it could help others.  He went from riding the elliptical 30 minutes in August to wheelchair by October.  We did not find out he was ill until the day after labor day.  Then found out he had an aneurysm on the back of his brain, and I think that might have been what took him so fast, but the death certificate said "ca colon".  Questioning things is really too late now.  He would still be just as gone.  I am not at the point I can look at his pictures yet.  It is like sticking a knife into me.  I hope with time I can look at things.  And, I don't want anyone touching his things, and hopefully I will let go of that obsession.  He liked New England Patriots and I almost could see him sitting in his chair.  Then I cried, but I have held it together pretty good till then.  (I probably have told this story before), but this just reminded me.  And, my son said "Daddy did not like tables crowded" but I had made a shrine of his things around his urn.  A beautiful, heavy wooden urn with a tree of life engraved on top and engraved words below.  Okay, I will quit now.  

[iPraiseHim]

Thank you for sharing.  It helps you, it helps the newly grieving, and everyone else on this grief journey.  Certain things I could do immediately, and others I could not.  My wife loved soft jazz and would listen to it most of the time.  For the first seven months, i couldn't listen, then all of sudden last month, I had the desire to listen and it gives me peace reminding me of the good times she enjoyed the music.  I like the music, too!  I find I don't need to have the radio or TV on all the time.  It will come naturally in your time.  Each of us need to let us just experience the feelings, cry, scream, journal-ling, whatever you find helps you. Sometimes, I'm hanging on, holding on, or just swinging.  I am simply putting one foot in front of the other and moving forward. in life.  Today, I watched the movie, " October Baby" incredible movie.  The line that grabbed me and I adapted to my life,  "Rose Anne (my wife), forgives me and wants me to live my life to the fullest". 

You see, I was her husband and caregiver for the last six years due to her life debilitating illness( diabetes).  I felt somehow I let her down because I wasn't home to help her when she was dying.  I had helped her several times before when she was in distress.  I have been affirmed that she was not alone when she died and neither am I now. My suggestion is to live your life as best you can each day.  Experience and express the grief and keep moving forwards.  Grieving is the flip side of love that helps us to cope with our genuine loss.  Shalom

[Margm]

I think coming into this empty house alone was the hardest thing I have done yet.  I got angry, cried, and told him "you always protected me, if there is any way you can just help me, please help me now."  This afternoon, I felt peace as if someone was with me that was safe.  Just as if my son had been in his room (he wasn't) but I just felt safe for the first time since I got home.  I had so much anxiety that even the Xanax did not help.  This afternoon though, no Xanax, Patriots playing, and I was at peace.  I said I used to believe in "signs", mystical, magical stuff.  Billy used to laugh at me.  But maybe this was the "peace that passes all understanding" that my mama used to quote to me.  I felt safe with Billy.

[hollowheart]

I'm just about going crazy today. Back at work after the holiday and I felt almost afraid to leave the house, just didn't want to face the world again. I just feel so alone. I just keep thinking just this summer we were enjoying ourselves, just chilling out. And now this. She is gone and I am left to live in complete daily misery. I am so utterly alone without her.  I just don't know how to live anymore. I'm just surviving and existing and moving through a job I don't even like. I'm so tired of being sad. I'm tired of only reading grief boards. So many other things I used to do on the internet, I can't relax or find peace in my mind and heart enough to do it. Just sick of this life.

[kayc]

Margaret, move to OR, it is legal here for anyone.  I think they wanted the extra taxes it'd bring.

George, you were supporting her, you had to work.  If only we could be in two places at once.

[kevin]

Amily, I'm going to stick my neck out....I'm only at 4 months and change into this  journey, and it is still very tough sledding, but not as bad as the first two months.  The next two months I hope will be even better. I believe as time passes by, the Grief component of our life is slowly being integrated and is now a part of our new personality. Grief changes us and its important we acknowledge these changes ......Our lives will never be the same as they once were, but things do get  better .......but this living alone does have challenges.  

[Gwenivere]

I'm going to stick my neck out here too and it might seem disparaging to some.  I just passed 13 months and feel worse than ever.  I am factoring in birthdays and holidays, but something changed at a year.  The 'magical milestone' myth was a biggie as that it what society expects.  I have entered a stagnation phase.  Everyday blurs into the next of the harsh reality Steve is truly gone.  Nothing around me has any meaning anymore.  The year I spent finding I could pretty much run the house myself is behind me.  I can, but it adds to the loneliness.  I do activities outside the house to come home to the silence that has replaced him.  My logical mind says I should be used to this.  My heart has a totally different view.  So many motivations to do little things like cook/eat are because I have to.  Caring for this house takes so little time because it is only the dogs that shed and muck up the floors.  Shopping is so changed because of what is needed.  The list goes on and on.

After 37 years I wake every day seeing I need to redefine my life.  My WHOLE life.  That is no small or easy task.  I don't like all this 'free time'.  I miss being part of a partnership that was living life, making plans, needing errands run, basically full because that is what happens in a marriage/partnership.  And when those free moments came, we relaxed in them together sharing meals, TV, a movie, whatever.  

It was liked I sailed thru the first year putting out fires.  Oh yes, there were many nights sobbing.  Now I don't know what to do.  I'm in a fog and rarely cry longer than a few minutes and I don't know why it vanishes as the pain is more intense.  Waking up is the absolute worst.  So, in all this rambling, what I have found is that I keep going missing a loving touch, his voice, his laughter, his ideas, telling him mine, sharing opinions, arguments....the whole meal deal.  

I look all around me and everything looks the same, but I might as well be on Mars for how it feels as far as comforting and my life as I knew it.  When he left, I did too.  This me that is left behind hasn't a clue why she is here anymore.

[Gwenivere]

Oh, and when things come up regarding Steve....they are stupid things like Facebook.  Why he set up accounts is beyond me as he hated it but never closed it.  So I got notifications on his birthday of all these posts.  It was extraordinarily painful to see things he never would and beyond me why anyone posted them.  I guess I am old fashioned because these are people my age and have my email address, yet for some reason felt....I dunno what.  It hurt because reaching out to me personally would have meant something.  They have time to fritter away on Facebook, but none for the person it would mean something to.  Hmmmm, guess this long time loneliness has some anger in there too.  Now I am faced with another 'death' task and that is shutting the account down which means dragging out that dreaded death certificate, power of attorney and whatever else they want.  I need things to do, but further erasing him was not on the list.  

[Guest]

Gwenivere-

I've heard that from others as well.  For some year two is easier but for others it seems to be much more difficult.  I also fully understand the Facebook thing as well.  It is sad that so many can only be bothered when it takes the least amount of effort.  I've been surprised at how few will initiate with me.  It is expected that I reach out to them and yet I'm the one without the energy, sleep, motivation to do much but grieve.  Deedo died, received hundreds of condolences and then silence...deafening silence.  I leave Deedo's Facebook up only because our daughter still tags Mama with all of her posts.

[Margm]

I think the hardest thing for me (other than living without him) is taking his name off everything.  I went this morning to get the license plates for the truck.  I felt like I was doing something illegal..  It was addressed to him, but my name is on it too.  I paid my money and instead of just stickers we got new plates.  Again, I thought "uh-oh, I'm caught."  I know I have to take his name off lots of things, but every time I do it is like closing another door.  I will eventually get them all closed.  Just not today.

Brad, I just read your post.  Saturday, coming home to the empty house was the hardest thing I have done by myself yet.  I have the support of my children, but because of weather, I braved the roads alone.  This house was so empty.  I was afraid that night.  I don't know what I was afraid of, just emptiness I guess.  I knew my fellow widow Hettie would have her family (who all live here in town) over, so I was not going to bother her.  One thing she has mentioned to me was the part about being ignored by their former friends.  Friends that are still couples.  At our age though, there are so many widows and widowers that there must be a network of "people needing people."  I am afraid I have not reached that point yet, other than the emptiness of this house, all my friends are there for me if I need them.  I should have gone over to Hettie's.  She was alone too and feeling the emptiness.  I wonder if people get to feeling they will impose on our emptiness or if they just don't want to be reminded of what is coming for them too?  My son had repeated what I had said years ago "we need to leave, because I hear the footsteps behind me."  I meant we needed to RV while we could, before the unimaginable happened, like the footsteps caught up to us.  He said he had never understood it until now and he hears them behind him now.  That boy defeated drugs, defeated hep-C, got shot in a major artery in his leg and coded on the operating table and he is just now hearing those footsteps?  Wow.

[hollowheart]

39 minutes ago, Gwenivere said:

I'm going to stick my neck out here too and it might seem disparaging to some.  I just passed 13 months and feel worse than ever.  I am factoring in birthdays and holidays, but something changed at a year.  The 'magical milestone' myth was a biggie as that it what society expects.  I have entered a stagnation phase.  Everyday blurs into the next of the harsh reality Steve is truly gone.  Nothing around me has any meaning anymore.  The year I spent finding I could pretty much run the house myself is behind me.  I can, but it adds to the loneliness.  I do activities outside the house to come home to the silence that has replaced him.  My logical mind says I should be used to this.  My heart has a totally different view.  So many motivations to do little things like cook/eat are because I have to.  Caring for this house takes so little time because it is only the dogs that shed and muck up the floors.  Shopping is so changed because of what is needed.  The list goes on and on.

After 37 years I wake every day seeing I need to redefine my life.  My WHOLE life.  That is no small or easy task.  I don't like all this 'free time'.  I miss being part of a partnership that was living life, making plans, needing errands run, basically full because that is what happens in a marriage/partnership.  And when those free moments came, we relaxed in them together sharing meals, TV, a movie, whatever.  

It was liked I sailed thru the first year putting out fires.  Oh yes, there were many nights sobbing.  Now I don't know what to do.  I'm in a fog and rarely cry longer than a few minutes and I don't know why it vanishes as the pain is more intense.  Waking up is the absolute worst.  So, in all this rambling, what I have found is that I keep going missing a loving touch, his voice, his laughter, his ideas, telling him mine, sharing opinions, arguments....the whole meal deal.  

I look all around me and everything looks the same, but I might as well be on Mars for how it feels as far as comforting and my life as I knew it.  When he left, I did too.  This me that is left behind hasn't a clue why she is here anymore.

Gwinevere, man, I always agree with everything you say all the time. This is exactly how I feel except my "significant other" was my sister, if that doesn't sound to crazy, lol. But we did everything together like spouses and she was my main if not only social hub. I'd do the same thing, if I went to the store or a restaurant I'd text to see if she wanted anything. And like you, free time/downtime still included her 95% of the time, so now when I'm bored of have nothing to do I have to turn right back around and then FORCE myself to find something to do when I would otherwise go see her and my something to do would be just hanging out.

I'm actually tired of looking for something to pass the time. I love TV but I never watched TV like my mom (almost 24/7) I usually watched in spurts as now you can see everything online so it doesn't matter if you miss an episode. I'd skip TV to hang out with her. Now I'm staring at any and everything on TV as a distraction. Ugh.

Also on the facebook thing. Are you on facebook? Are you friends with him? I don't get why you are seeing notifications for him. You two have the same email address? If you were friends with him you can 'unfollow' him and not see any more messages/posts. I can't bring myself to unfriend my sister and I know I will get the email that she has a birthday. She was never a FB fan but she had one and we were friends. My sister has plenty of accounts but I'm not going to go around trying to shut them all down. That is to much for me mentally and emotionally.

[scba]

Gwinevere, I agree too. You describe it so well. Year 2 is very hard. The numbness is gone, calls from people asking "how are you" are rare. Shock is gone. Putting out fires is done. Perhaps people stop saying our loved one's names. 

And we are left "behind" with the question: I survived, I'm still alive,,,,,,,what's next? 

A song says: "Where do we go from here? What do we do for our dream to survive?"

[hollowheart]

Scba, yeah, I think that's why grief gets worse with time because, of course, others have forgotten about you and your pain and moved on. And they expect you to be OK now that it's year 3, or 4 or 5. And they are not going to still be asking you 'are you ok?' 5 years later as they are back to their own lives. 

I had someone tell me today I didn't say how my Thanksgiving was. I just said it was ok and quickly asked about hers, then left. She could tell I had nothing to say. I didn't want to make it awkward by saying "it was the worst Thanksgiving ever, I want my sister back and it was depressing and lonely"  gotta keep up that fake happy. 

[kayc]

Gweniviere,

Some people use FB as a memorial of a sort to the dead person.  My best friend from high school died a few years ago and her family has left her FB open for people to post, kind of so they can express their feelings towards her.  While some might be annoyed by it, others might find it comforting.  You can have it closed if you want.

[scba]

I agree hollowheart, it is a solitary world after year 1. That is why I told my friends that I live two lives, one on the outside and another one in the inside, and that they are free to ask about both of them or just one. I aknowledge that I live in my hometown when nobody met my boyfriend and I cannot expect people to talk or ask me about our lives together. He is a stranger here. Therefore I pay, yes, I pay someone to talk and listen about him and us, that is my therapist. I pronounce his name in his office. How sad. How wrong is all of this.

 

[kevin]

Neck back out there.........I documented my first 6 weeks, I like many of you, I was close to suicidal.........not that way now....There are 5 stages(some say more) of Grief, getting past the first two are an accomplishment. With  help and counseling, life can be is manageable .and in time, fulfilling again.....We are all on this Grief train for life, but we determine the destinations and stops....I will remain the Optimist, the alternative is unacceptable,                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              

[Gwenivere]

Hollowheart and Kay, I do have a Facebook account.   Steve set that up for me when he set up his.  We found we weren't that kind of social media people.  Anyway, I can simply the anguish about it by just shutting down mine and I won't have access to FB anymore.  You are right, the emotional energy it would take for such a small thing in the grand scheme isn't worth it.  If I had his password, I would do it.  But dragging out all the death paperwork?  Like I need to add another death chore?  Nope.

[kayc]

Maybe just go inactive rather than deleting it...if you delete it, he can never "friend" you again and you would not have access to view his account anymore...I wouldn't do anything I might regret later and can't rectify.  Try just not going there for a while.

[Gwenivere]

Good advice, Kay.  Thank you.  I ignored it before.  Guess it just got my attention because of the birthday activity which normally he would have fielded.