Surprise for Christmas

[WolfsKat]

My family/friends in Michigan (I'm in FL, currently) surprised me with setting up a flight to be up there for Christmas.  Due to work commitments, I've not been able to be "home for the holidays" in over a decade....and always felt "homesick".  This first Christmas without my Connor, I knew it would be very difficult....my friends down here have family things going on, I'd planned on just being alone and probably spend the day bawling. I'm happy to  be going, very...will be my first Christmas with my little grandgirls, as well......but a little apprehensive.  Although I will find joy in being there, I am concerned that the griefbursts might hit...and I do NOT wish to put a damper on their holiday! What is the best way to handle this?  I find it difficult to handle my crying jags now, home alone....I don't wish to make my family upset!

[Margm]

You  go and enjoy your family.  The grief-bursts will hit.  We cannot help that.  They will understand.  I found that my granddaughter loved having her Mamol watch movies with her and this kept my mind busy much of the time until I could pass smooth out.  When I was gone, she came into her mom's room and said it was lonesome without Mamol, and could she watch TV with them.  I don't plan on clearing out until January, so I will go down early and she and I will just watch movies.  Different things help different people.  Sometimes the familiar hurts because our spouse/husband/wife was with us during the last holiday, sometimes the unfamiliar hurts because they cannot be with us.  Just plan on hurting, but maybe the distraction of family might soak up some of the hurt that you would be feeling all alone, if you stay by yourself.  

[KATPILOT]

It sounds like you were set up with the flight because they not only feel your pain and want you with them but also fully expect you to have sad moments. I'm thinking they would not only accept that but care enough to be there for you. I've seen some relatives shy away from being with a grieving person so as to avoid those awkward moments. It doesn't sound like they are those kind of people Wolfskat so don't be too concerned. In a similar situation, I just found a little privacy to let it out so as not to trouble others. They understand how we feel and there will be some joyful times too. Enjoy them and imagine Connor is with you for he just might be.

[hollowheart]

I'm glad you can go home. With your friends having their family things, it's good you have some holiday plans yourself. I'm finding it hard to deal with everyone having plans and my plans are like yours "sitting alone and crying".  The griefbursts may hit, but they may not. If things get to happy and jolly and it starts to get to you, then take a break if you can and find somewhere to sit alone, even if it's the bathroom or outside.

If you tear up it will not ruin the holiday, they know you are still hurting.

[kevin]

You will be fine.....Embrace the whole thing, from stories when you were a kid......(my grand kids refer to them as the Olden Days) and hopefully make a snowman and encourage the girls to make  Angels (should be some snow by Christmas).....Eat lots and have a good time.....

[Cathyc]

I agree, do go there. I am not sure how familiar your friends and family are with grief, but if you are concerned about grief bursts upsetting them, you might want to be able to say something when it happens. From being with my sister in law in her grief, I can tell you it really helps if someone can just say they'd like to be be alone for a while or if they want to change the subject or something. If they are familiar with grief or know you very well, ti won't be necessary.  If you can't say or don't know yourself what is best, then you'll still be okay, though. Obviously these people really care about you and I hope you can enjoy the love!

[MartyT]

I'd also suggest that, if you should have a "grief burst" when you are with your little grandgirls, you simply let them know that you're very sad because you're missing their grandpa so much ~ and assure them that whatever they have done (or not done) is not the reason for your tears. Children (especially little ones) tend to engage in magical thinking and are prone to misinterpret the behavior of those around them as being related to them somehow. Also, by sharing your sorrow, you are setting a fine example and conveying a powerful message: that it is okay to feel and to express our feelings when someone we love so much has died, and it's normal to cry when we feel so sad. It sounds as if you have some very warm and caring friends and relatives, my dear, and I hope you will feel wrapped in their love the entire time you are with all of them. Safe travels, dear one. ♥

[kayc]

Wolfskat,

I'm so glad for you!  When my husband died, a coworker talked to everyone at my job about what to expect when I came back (he had lost his little girl years ago).  I had grief bursts, and usually took them in the restroom, and then tried to resume when I could.  People were so understanding and caring, and I felt it from them.

[WolfsKat]

Thank you, everyone.....I feel reassured. Of course they know I am still early in my loss....so, you are correct I am sure they will accept & understand. I talked to my daughter today, and mentioned my concern to her, she just said, hey, if you need a private time, just give me a signal....if you'd like me to sit with you during, I will. And thanks, Marty....that is great advice regarding my grandgirls. Still a bit nervous....but you all have helped, much. And for the flights up there and back, I think I will bring sunglasses just in case....will be my first time for years flying alone....and Connor loved flying...so I will be missing him at that time, as well. It's one thing to weep amongst family.....but do not want to draw attention around strangers!

[Margm]

Wolfskat, I am a crying person I guess.  My dad used to lead singing every service.  I go into a church and a man is leading singing then I start automatically crying and my dad has been gone over 30 years.  Does not matter.  I cannot listen to music at all right now anyhow, but it provides peace to my daughter.  I cannot look at his picture yet without crying and my daughter and granddaughter both love putting his picture on Facebook.  Now, my son is kind of like me about getting sad at the same things.