hollowheart Posted January 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2016 Kay, 10 1/2 years later you're still feeling some of these stings. This is what is hard for others around us to accept and try to be comfortable with. It will take years for us to get to certain places in our lives. There is a strip mall near us and we went there EVERY weekend. I hate going there now, I see her EVERYWHERE. I know my mom still expects me to go to some of the places to run errands. In the "good ole days" me and my sis went out and brought her goodies back or ran her errands for her. That worked for everybody, especially her since she has a bad back. She still thinks I'm gonna be running around like that. It's horrible doing it alone. We'd be out for hours, now I don't want to stay out 10 minutes alone. So many little things change in your life that no one notices. When you mentioned how you feel looking out from the church choir, that's something that is on your radar alone. I hate those kinds of things that no one knows is attacking you and you can't fend off. I'm basically done with the holidays now. There is no joy from that here on out. And selfishly what I miss is that she always bought me really good gifts, especially video games as I'm a gamer. I will miss that and miss hunting for cool gifts for her. *sob* 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 22, 2016 Report Share Posted January 22, 2016 4 hours ago, kayc said: I think this is what people mean when they say it gets better...what I mean when I say it got better for me. Not that it's ever great or ever the same again, it isn't, but it's made more tolerable by the fact that little by little I adjusted to this new life, to his absence. I'm no longer used to touch. That's sad. Maybe that is part of the educating of others we have all talked about. That the word 'better' really isn't the correct one but 'different' and we adapt to that. Better can also imply (to some with absolutely no clue) that this is better than when they were alive. Yes, the suffering is over for them, but life is not better without them in it. Like you, I have already gotten used to some things like sounds that are gone around the house. I am still deeply affected seeing couples and even close friends as they have someone to share whatever they are doing. Conversing is what I miss doing so much alone. I still have trigger moments that I do miss his voice or whatever he did. I find I crave touch now. It's been so long I have felt that connection and that is not getting 'better'. It's certainly different, but not in a good way. When I get a great hug it feels soooooo good. I have to make sure I let the person go! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 19 hours ago, Gwenivere said: With all the words we've used here on this topic, you found the only one really needed.....everything. That sums it up for me, too. I miss our entire life together, in every aspect. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 TH, I ditto everything you said. I also miss our movie nights and all the cool YouTube channels she had that we watched together. I also miss making plans. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 Today speaking to my FIL I told him that I missed my past, where everything had a reason, every decission had a purpose. Now, nothing makes sense, I dont know why I am doing things, to be alive? To live? When things go wrong, I go back to the past, there were struggle and suffering too, but there was hope. I hoped. I guess I miss feeling hopeful too. I cannot write what I miss from my boyfriend cause there are not enough words. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 1 hour ago, scba said: Today speaking to my FIL I told him that I missed my past, where everything had a reason, every decission had a purpose. Now, nothing makes sense, I dont know why I am doing things, to be alive? To live? When things go wrong, I go back to the past, there were struggle and suffering too, but there was hope. I hoped. I guess I miss feeling hopeful too. I cannot write what I miss from my boyfriend cause there are not enough words. Please,write all words.I don´t understand all of your shortcuts as "FIL" and so on. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 Janka - FIL= Father-In-Law MIL=Mother-In-Law SIL=Sister-In-Law or Son-In-Law BIL=Brother-In-Law DIL=Daughter-In-Law Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 1 hour ago, Brad said: Janka - FIL= Father-In-Law MIL=Mother-In-Law SIL=Sister-In-Law or Son-In-Law BIL=Brother-In-Law DIL=Daughter-In-Law Dear Brad, you´re a great teacher,as well as my father and granny before. Thanks a lot! Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 4 hours ago, scba said: Today speaking to my FIL I told him that I missed my past, where everything had a reason, every decission had a purpose. Now, nothing makes sense, I dont know why I am doing things, to be alive? To live? When things go wrong, I go back to the past, there were struggle and suffering too, but there was hope. I hoped. I guess I miss feeling hopeful too. I cannot write what I miss from my boyfriend cause there are not enough words. Wow, this blew my mind to read this morning. I had a night I was desperate for Steve. Crying myself to sleep, nothing appealed at all for distraction, was pacing thru the empty house, the whole 9 yards. I knew what it was. Exactly hat you wrote! I had grabbed my note pad and written....what stage is this that nothing makes sense anymore? Nothing! I have thought about those earlier days too. I don't know if it was hope, per se, but it was a time we were discovering the world and ourselves and had no idea about death. I had relatives due, but while it was so, they were not a 'part of me' I choose to complete me. I thought I knew what a broken heart was because of several breakups. I had no idea I see now. It was a road of discovery where I had an endless supply of lust for life. Then I found what I wanted. They wanted it me too. Everything fell into place. Forgot that everything has to end. Circle of life and all that. Can't go back there. Am not that person. Never will be, have too much time logged in another life. Have no desire for the adventure. I drive by a billboard many afternoons coming home. Never paid attention what it is for but on the top is the word PURPOSE. Every time I see it I am reminded I feel none. Can't wait til they change that out. It's a tough trigger heading to this half empty house where I get to spend another night wondering what is the point? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 So sorry about your Guinea pig. It's like a cruel joke to have something more taken when we have already been robbed of everything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 31 minutes ago, TH said: My pet guinea pig of 5 years passed away today following a sudden downturn in health yesterday. He was a little light in my life, a comfort, always there and cared for, and I feel that so many things are being taken from me. Without R to support me, I feel the pain even worse, my heart just aches and aches. I´m so sorry... With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 24, 2016 Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 TH, I am so sorry, I do know how that feels. I've lost five pets since George died and it IS hard to go through alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 24, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 TH, I'm sorry about your Guinea pig. I had one for a few years too. Pets definitely bring a comfort at this time. My cat acts like a person sometimes and last night I wished she could talk so I could have some company. How awfully sad is that? Life is so unfair when we've already lost more than we can take. And then we lose more. I hate it. I liked what you said about purpose and there always be a reason to plan. There are a few regular homeless people I see walking around and sometimes I think how it must feel to just be walking around all day aimlessly, no purpose, no destination. As far as that, that is how I feel sometimes. Just nothing to look forward to. I was doing well on my diet, on finding a career. Now I feel lost and despite what people tell me I can't get that motivation back. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 24, 2016 Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 I miss everything about him. He used to say, "Hey darlin," every time I came home. I miss his centeredness, sense of humor, compassion, love. God, it hurts so much just saying this. I feel like some others. It's been 7 months and it seems worse than ever, lonelier than ever. There is no replacing that person....how do you get back to any joy or contentment. Today is not a good day. Was shoveling my long, steep driveway, remembering how he found all this weather so fun. We always worked together on things like that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 24, 2016 Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 Hollowheart: I also am finding the lack of friends and such very painful. When you are in a tight, good relationship, you don't think in terms of going outwards for companionship. It makes this so hard. I had friends and we had friends, but our main friends were each other. I just don't know how to survive this sometimes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 24, 2016 Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 Janka: So sorry about your guinea pig. I have 2 dogs and they are the loves of my life. I know how much it can hurt to lose a pet, especially having lost your significant other; just feels like too much loss. My one standard poodles is 11 years old and he was the light of my and my husband's life. Just before John died he said to Ranger, "Well, I guess I'm going to beat you out of hear." Every time I think of that, it is so horribly sad, as I know Ranger doesn't have that long left either. Love and thoughts to you, Cookie Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 24, 2016 Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 Janice, For years we didn't have a dog because Deedo couldn't bear the thought of losing a pet. A few years ago my daughter thought a Shih Tzu would round out their house not knowing how much maintenance they are. We ended up adopting the Shih Tzu a year before my wife was diagnosed with cancer. In her book of secrets she spoke of how happy she was that she wouldn't need to say goodbye to the dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted January 24, 2016 Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 I myself never had any living animal,except about 60 plush ones sitting on the bed in my room.There is the one I always used to have by my side everywhere I went with my beloved man Jan.It´s a lovely,little,grey plush rat with a long,white hair,such a cute,sweet,little darling of me and my beloved Jan and for me as well living as your animals too.I love him and all the more thereat are remaining kisses from my beloved Jan,so kissing my little rat is getting me closer to my beloved Jan.If someone would steal my beloved rat,it would be the same as if he was dead.So unimaginable!Here is the picture of him. With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 24, 2016 Report Share Posted January 24, 2016 This is going back to a previous post but I still keep Deedo's "WakeyDog" on the bed with me. She got the dog when she turned three and it shows every bit of its sixty-three years. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dew's Girl Posted February 1, 2016 Report Share Posted February 1, 2016 I miss being a part of something bigger. Daniel and I were more than the sum of our parts. Together we became better than either of us was apart. I never scared or worried because I knew we could face any obstacle together. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 1, 2016 Report Share Posted February 1, 2016 I make cards and I once bought a stamp that said "I love you not only for what you are but for what I am when I am with you". It's true, we made each other better, that is how good love should be. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 6, 2016 Report Share Posted February 6, 2016 ...what I miss the most,it is written in my heart...at the bottom...where is no place for anyone else...just for him forever... My beloved Jan, With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted February 8, 2016 Report Share Posted February 8, 2016 I miss being part of a special team. Tammy and I were made for each other and were two minds, two hearts sharing one soul. I miss Tammy's smile, her spirit, her soft skin.... her hugs and kisses. I miss feeling loved and being accepted for who I am. I miss sharing my life with someone I love. I miss my Tammy. My everything. My love. My wife. My soul mate. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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