Worse time

[Cookie]

Hi everyone.  I have seen several posts where people say things will get better.  I hate to say this, but 7 1/2 months out, sometimes things are worse in terms of depression, yearning, loneliness for me.  Sometimes I'm in a, what I call neutral place where I'm doing okay.  Is that what you mean by things will get better.  Really struggling.  Been waking up in the mornings feeling so lonely, like I don't matter.  I have people in my life that I know care, but it's not the same as having that special person who always had your back.  How do you adjust to this.  I wish I could say things get better, but honestly, I think I was doing better in the first months when I was still numb.....

[Guest]

Janice-

This is the thing I hate most about the whole grieving process.  The constant state of fluxuating between the neutral places to the depression and loneliness.  Going from where you think you are just learning to cope back to the place where you are no longer able to talk without tearing up.  For me I see things have improved although for the past week they have been harder than they were before.  But still they are better than August and September.  I just need to stay focused on the present.  

[hollowheart]

As time passes on things become more real and set in reality--the yearning, the longing, the absence, the stillness, the quiet, the loneliness. All things you don't want to adapt to. In the beginning I was numb, but also almost in a fantasy world for a while, like because it just happened I could still somehow reverse it or there was something I could do.

As time goes on and the more days I'm without her I start to get antsy. I get furious and frustrated. I'm tired of these horrid days alone, I'm tired of dragging through each day desperate for something to take up the time. I get mad that the last things we did feel like they are fading and falling away from me.  This is what time does.

I saw a snip of an interview where Billy Bob Thorton talked about losing his brother and he said he was 50% sad all the time. That resonated with me because that is how I feel. Yes, there are good days and moments, but they don't make up for everything in general. I am 50% sad at any given time. Maybe even more than that.  So many things with my happiness and life in general connect back with my sister that I can't untangle them.

"Getting better" basically means to me we are learning to adapt better, not necessarily "getting" better. I don't like the phrase "new normal" because 'normal' means nothing to me anymore. You just adapt to cooking breakfast for just yourself now instead of two. I can't erase my last life and replace with a "new normal" life. Maybe I'm being to angry in how I'm thinking about it, but it's still very hard for me to be positive sometimes.

The words sometimes put that pressure out there. Getting better means a full recovery like a broken leg healing or getting over a cold. We will never fully recover and be what we were.

When I have a bad week or a bad day I get angry and frustrated because I can't tell anyone and get it out because people around me now don't quickly assume it's because of my loss--because that's in the past for them. So then I'd have to be Debbie Downer in bringing it up and I don't always want to. That really sucks. Feels very lonely and confining.

[Cookie]

Hollowheart:  I feel the same way about the people around me.  It is so isolating when you see that fog over someone's eyes when you mention feeling bad about your loved one.  It definitely keeps you from connecting with your feelings because you know people will go away if you talk about it too much now.  

[Kpl48]

Mornings are very very hard for me. I wake up to realize he is gone - dead. He's not coming back. I was in shock in the beginning. Then I started feeling worse. I try to get out of being alone because participating in life helps me to feel better. My husband told me he wanted me to live a good life. I try to remember this. There are times I don't want to live, but I know I must go on. I'm learning wanting to die is wanting to go numb so I don't feel my grief and sadness. I believe my grief will lessen as the years move on. For now, it just plain hurts!

[Cookie]

Yes, Kp148, mornings are the hardest for me too.  For a while they weren't so bad, but now it's all coming back, the anxiety, the depression, etc.  I agree, wanting to die is just wanting out of the pain.  I wish I had some more of that anesthesia from the beginning....

[hollowheart]

Mornings for me are also terrible. I wake up remembering my reality and this nightmare. She lived right next door to me and seeing her door everyday I go out hurts. I wake up and my first thought is my  reality, that she is gone. I still can barely bring myself to say "dead" It hurts so much. I still hate waking up most mornings, having to "get through" each day is so exhausting some days. It's sorta of a 'paint by numbers' day then back to the evening to try to pass the time. I start thinking 'what is the point of this?'

[Guest]

For me the hardest times are mornings, afternoons, evenings, middle of the night....any time I focus on what I've lost and how it has impacted my life.  Otherwise any time I lose track of the present and dwell in either the past or the future or what my darling Deedo had to endure only to be the first to go.  In her Book of Secrets she said that she was alright with being the first to go.  I don't think she knew how devastating this would be on me.  But then as I've said before: I am glad that she will never know the pain I am going through. So I am also happy she was the first to go.

[Gwenivere]

5 hours ago, hollowheart said:

"Getting better" basically means to me we are learning to adapt better, not necessarily "getting" better. I don't like the phrase "new normal" because 'normal' means nothing to me anymore. You just adapt to cooking breakfast for just yourself now instead of two. I can't erase my last life and replace with a "new normal" life. Maybe I'm being to angry in how I'm thinking about it, but it's still very hard for me to be positive sometimes.

I wish the 'getting better' phrase could be wiped from existence.  It is so misleading to people around us and torpedo's our thoughts.  You get better from colds, the flu, a broken arm, a subject you study in school, at your job from experience.  I will not get better from this.  I will change, adapt, perhaps find a way it doesn't tear my heart apart, but I will not be better without Steve.  We both became better people for being together and balancing each other.  I will never ever be better without him.  The most I will be is different. 

[kayc]

Janice, 7 1/2 months isn't enough time for it to get better, this is a long process and the timeline will be different for everyone, based on your own personal coping skills, the grief work you do, getting professional help with it, how deep the loss, etc.  Everyone is different.  As hollowheart said, it's about adjusting, not that your situation changes.

 

For those that resent the getting better phrase, would you really prefer people say it won't ever get better?  Sometimes people can't win no matter what they say!

[Cookie]

Thanks all of you for your comments...your all such kind people.  I would love to have you all as a support group where I live.  There are not many of those here (it's a small mountain community) and the ones that exist are only held once a month and few people attend.  I know there are other people like me out there somewhere and I can't figure out why they won't attend grief support, so I'm thankful to have this place to come to talk and hear that there are others who have, or are experiencing something similar, even though it still hurts...

[Gwenivere]

35 minutes ago, kayc said:

For those that resent the getting better phrase, would you really prefer people say it won't ever get better?  Sometimes people can't win no matter what they say!

No, of course I don't want people to say that.  What I want is for people to stop trying to use that phrase because they can't won't admit they don't know what to say.  But yes, I still hold I will never be better without Steve in my life.  I think it is pretty apparent the point I was making between that and it now being different.  

[hollowheart]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

For those that resent the getting better phrase, would you really prefer people say it won't ever get better?  Sometimes people can't win no matter what they say!

I will admit to not wanting to hear this in the early days. And when I have my very angry, frustrated days I don't want to hear it either. It was very hard to see things getting better, I just felt hopeless. I am better than I was, and can handle hearing this now. People would tell me "It will take time, but you'll be OK" I didn't think I could wait it out. Hearing it will "get better" often times sounds like a bunch of bologna because sometimes it actually can get worse.

As Gwen said, if it's said just to say something it means nothing. Maybe change it to say "I hope things get better for you."

 

 

[hollowheart]

47 minutes ago, Cookie said:

Thanks all of you for your comments...your all such kind people.  I would love to have you all as a support group where I live.  There are not many of those here (it's a small mountain community) and the ones that exist are only held once a month and few people attend.  I know there are other people like me out there somewhere and I can't figure out why they won't attend grief support, so I'm thankful to have this place to come to talk and hear that there are others who have, or are experiencing something similar, even though it still hurts...

You don't realize how little grief support there is until you start looking for it. I remember looking and found this great place and I was ready to sign up but it was in California, lol. So disappointing. But for those that could go to that one it looked very helpful. It seems like most choices are still privately with a paid therapist.

[Gwenivere]

I find my counselor, this place and 2 trusted friends the best support I have found.  I have been in real life support groups for other reasons and burned out quickly.  I would tire of stories being repeatedly told and those that seemed they wanted to stay there.  Oh, and details of the death.  Those are places I do not wish to revisit or see any purpose to.  Reliving the images of the last days are the very thing I want to erase from my mind as much as possible.  Did it once, that was enough.  I am not dissing real life support groups, please understand that because I know they are lifesavers for many.  As HH said, they can be tough to find.  In this sprawling metropolis of Seattle and many close cities, there are but two I know of.  Our society I do far behind on the role of grief.  It's become such a go go go culture.  An that is where I feel many of us suffer more pain from the expectation we must move faster.  Don't fall victim to that pressure!  It's more negativity we don't need.

[kayc]

Well I guess we're all different, but I wanted to know if there would be any glimmer of light at all because frankly, it felt so damned hopeless in the beginning.  I guess you have to voice to people what to and not to say because no one can possibly know how to encourage you without that help.

It's also important to know what that phrase means..."get better" does not mean it will ever be okay that you lost him/her.  It does not mean you will ever stop missing them.  It does not mean you'll like your life better without them than you did with them.  It simply means that as you adjust, you will assimilate these changes into your life and it will no longer be such a huge shock to you, and you will little by little learn how to get by, doing the things the other person used to do for you, no longer expecting them to walk back into the door and hit you afresh with the knowledge that they won't.  It means years down the road it won't be such a jolt when you have to fill out your marital status on a form.  NOT that you'll like it!  But that you will gradually adjust and learn to smile and laugh again, which is important to do!

[Guest]

Gwen -

In the Phoenix metro area "The Valley" Hospice of the Valley hosts 23 support groups by my count.  Each one meets twice monthly but they are all different times and days to fit anyone's schedule.  I haven't investigated but I'm sure other groups also host support groups.  I can relate to you comments regarding them.  They are a microcosm of society much like this site is: different people, different interests, different needs.  The one I attend has an interesting mix of people; some who like to monopolize, some who listen but don't share, some who are just starting out and some who lost loved ones years ago. I believe the facilitator is directly responsible for the focus, and hence, success of the group, much like a good grievance counselor is worth his/her weight in gold.  I am fortunate to have a very good facilitator.  I do find support in the group and for me it is worth the 400 mile round trip to attend.  I just wanted to give a different perspective.

[Margm]

Life will never be the same without Billy.  And yes, I hit all the milestones of life.  And yes, I am terrified of going up to that big house, where he is missing more than any other place in this world.  I am terrified of packing 54 years of Billy into boxes and putting plastic lids and writing Billy's this or Billy's that.  I will do it though.  I have to.  And when any one of my many, many widow friends tells me I will never quit missing him, but life will get easier, I hang on every word, every hope that they can give me that this miserable existence will become more tolerable.   I have every hope that this horrible fear I have of being alone will become easier.  They tell me this.  Am I going to tell these kind Christian women that I loved Billy more than they loved their husbands and they are full of crap? No, as much as I feel like I would be better off "not here," I have hope if I live 10 more years, maybe I might be easier, or maybe I will be curled up in some nursing home bed just living my memories, or maybe I will find my faith and enjoy a closer walk with my religion.  I only know I want it to get easier, and if it takes listening to those that walked this path before me, my mind is open and I strongly cling to those words of hope.

[Guest Janka]

10 hours ago, hollowheart said:

When I have a bad week or a bad day I get angry and frustrated because I can't tell anyone and get it out because people around me now don't quickly assume it's because of my loss--because that's in the past for them. So then I'd have to be Debbie Downer in bringing it up and I don't always want to. That really sucks. Feels very lonely and confining.

My dear Hollowheart,

that´s it!All of my friends think it´s behind me,because I´ve learned to cope with my pain and live my life solo any further.They see just what they want to see and as well as you said it´s the past for them now.They are happy,so have no reason to talk about my loss,just in the case I start to talk about or when I mention my beloved one.That´s all for now!I feel very lonely too.

Hugs from Janka

[Gwenivere]

I find my counselor, this place and 2 trusted friends the best support I have found.  I have been in real life support groups for other reasons and burned out quickly.  I would tire of stories being repeatedly told and those that seemed they wanted to stay there.  Oh, and details of the death.  Those are places I do not wish to revisit or see any purpose to.  Reliving the images of the last days are the very thing I want to erase from my mind as much as possible.  Did it once, that was enough.  I am not dissing real life support groups, please understand that because I know they are lifesavers for many.  As HH said, they can be tough to find.  In this sprawling metropolis of Seattle and many close cities, there are but two I know of.  Our society I do far behind on the role of grief.  It's become such a go go go culture.  An that is where I feel many of us suffer more pain from the expectation we must move faster.  Don't fall victim to that pressure!  It's more negativity we don't need.

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, Brad said:

The one I attend has an interesting mix of people; some who like to monopolize, some who listen but don't share, some who are just starting out and some who lost loved ones years ago. I believe the facilitator is directly responsible for the focus, and hence, success of the group, much like a good grievance counselor is worth his/her weight in gold.  I am fortunate to have a very good facilitator.  I do find support in the group and for me it is worth the 400 mile round trip to attend.  I just wanted to give a different perspective.

That is always needed.  Perspective is everything.  And I know there are good support groups out there.  You travel far for yours because it works and I am very happy for you as you are facing an exceptionally hard time right now.  So glad you have that.

[hollowheart]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  Our society I do far behind on the role of grief.  It's become such a go go go culture.  An that is where I feel many of us suffer more pain from the expectation we must move faster.  Don't fall victim to that pressure!  It's more negativity we don't need.

Exactly. I'm dealing with this because I have too, but no one knows the miserable, stifling feelings I have when I can't talk to my sister like I used to. To not have those conversations and companionship like I used to. My own mom was surprised I was "still" seeing a counselor and I had only seen her twice!

I've never had such tragedy effect me and I'm not handling it well. I feel like I'm flailing in this life without purpose and that's a horrible feeling, on top of feeling sad. As we all know, it's hard flying without your Wingman.

I'm also not a very independent type and depended on her advice and help in making decisions.  And I feel like people just expect my personalty to just suddenly change to this "strong, dependent" person in one day. 40 years of being one way and now change in an instant? I think this is also stalling my 'getting better' as well.

[kayc]

HH,

Well I'm surprised your Mom isn't seeing a counselor!  After all, she lost a daughter!  We do not just "get over this", it takes a lot of time and effort to assimilate all of these changes into our lives, it's damn hard!  You are missing your companion in your sister just as others of us are missing our companions in our spouses.  It's not the type of relationship that makes it so hard so much as the QUALITY of relationship.  Some people with lengthy marriages don't have a hard time getting used to being without them because their relationship wasn't good.  It's how close we were, how much we interacted and inter-depended that causes us to have a harder time getting used to the changes their death means for us. 

[Margm]

As I have said before, you will find people saying meaningless things to you, and they are saying them in sympathy.  They mean well, but they are just voicing words that have no meaning to you.  Then, you have someone who has lost their reason for living.  Listen to them.  They have walked down that dark stormy path you are walking now.  That is empathy.  I cringe when I think about what I said to one of my friends about 17 years ago.  I will not even repeat it.  Suffice it to know she is a beautiful woman.  She lost her husband, sister, and mom and dad in a matter of months.  And she is still my friend, I listen when I talk to her. She never remarried.  But I was one of those idiots that talk to any of you in sympathy.  We did not know to offer empathy.  Just take it with a grain of salt and let it roll off like water off a duck's back.  Look at them with pity and hope that they never have to know the difference between sympathy and empathy.  If we stay alive, we have to strive to exist.  And I hope you all find some peace.  Words are cheap.  Living is difficult. I am facing my most difficult time.  To others, they have different feelings.  I cannot even explain how difficult it is going to be to face that empty house that houses all of Billy, except the real person.  Things have to be done.  Always before, Billy was with me to face the difficult things in life.  I have to pull on my big girl panties.

On edit, Billy always said he was me, and I was him.  He did not get to finish his favorite author's last book.  I started reading it, and I finished it. And in my fairy tale world, I know he loved the book because I did.  He is the best part of me, the strongest and I am going to have to channel him to help the part of me that was him finish our last chapter of this life.  And I do not take the many years, the many milestones for granted.  I will be with him again sooner or later.  I don't really care which.  But, again, he did say, the one left must stay. Here I am.  I'm beat up and old, but I still have use of all limbs.  I can push, pull, and lift some things. I THINK I CAN, I THINK I CAN.

[Guest]

 

1 hour ago, kayc said:

It's not the type of relationship that makes it so hard so much as the QUALITY of relationship.  Some people with lengthy marriages don't have a hard time getting used to being without them because their relationship wasn't good.  It's how close we were, how much we interacted and inter-depended that causes us to have a harder time getting used to the changes their death means for us. 

Kayc-

I always knew when one of us died it would be so difficult for the other to move on since we were both really so vey codependant on each other.  In our marriage we spent very few days apart and when we did it was either travelling with one of the kids or when I was hospitalized for several months and Deedo needed to be in Pinetop with the kids.  I was not one to hang out with the guys as they offered me a fraction of the comfort and entertainment and joy that I received from my wife.  From day one I preferred to spend three hours driving in the car or just hanging out at home with Deedo than anything else I could think of.  

Here I am six months out and I have such stupid and inane thoughts constantly.  When I use up a tube of toothpaste it dawns on me that that is the last tube of toothpaste Deedo bought.  It makes me sad.  Now I ask you; how stupid is that?  

You are so right when you say; "It's how close we were, how much we interacted and how interdependent we were that causes us to have a harder time getting used to the changes their death means for us."