Guest Janka Posted January 27, 2016 Report Share Posted January 27, 2016 40 minutes ago, Brad said: Here I am six months out and I have such stupid and inane thoughts constantly. When I use up a tube of toothpaste it dawns on me that that is the last tube of toothpaste Deedo bought. It makes me sad. Now I ask you; how stupid is that? Dear Brad, it´s not stupid at all.I´m the same.I still have the toothpaste I bought with my beloved Jan the last time.Many things we used to have together and having a great value for me I still save as a treasure for the rest of my life.I even have the toothbrush of my beloved Jan by now and I kiss it everytime I´m in the bathroom...and so on...That´s the way to showing how much we love them...so endlessly... Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2016 Brad: I'm 7 1/2 months out and struggling so much with missing John. We too were together all the time and were each other's best friend's. It seemed so wonderful when it was happening, but sometimes now it hurts so much to be without him, I almost think it was a disadvantage. By the way, you are not stupid. I definitely look at every little thing and it has an impact on me because of its association with John. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted January 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 27, 2016 One thing that is very hard to deal with is that I feel bad a lot of the time, but then something causes the bottom to fall out. It's anxiety, depression, hopelessness all mixed up in one. That's when it gets scary and I wonder if there will be an end to this or if that part will get worse. Does anyone else have this happen? It comes and goes, but is very intense at this point 7 1/2 months from losing John. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 27, 2016 Report Share Posted January 27, 2016 1 hour ago, Cookie said: Brad: I'm 7 1/2 months out and struggling so much with missing John. We too were together all the time and were each other's best friend's. It seemed so wonderful when it was happening, but sometimes now it hurts so much to be without him, I almost think it was a disadvantage. By the way, you are not stupid. I definitely look at every little thing and it has an impact on me because of its association with John. Cookie, I would think about the disadvantage thing too, because I had thoughts of wishing we weren't as close so this wouldn't hurt so much, but then I know that I don't want that. I loved our time together, I just needed more. It still does not feel real. I miss our movie nights. I miss what was so much. I miss her. As far as the anxiety, it goes up and down. There will be good days, bad days, horrible days, unbearable days, then decent days again. I think we talk ourselves into believing that at 7 months, 10 months, 2 years out we shouldn't be feeling as we did early on. I think we deal with the pain and grief better after time passes, but "grief attacks" can still hit us at any time, even 10 years later. That's just how it will be. Brad, the toothpaste thing is very logical. Our mind (and hearts) want to hold on to everything and anything left of our loved ones. I have bottles of juice and cups of jello that my sister bought still in our fridge, some have expired and there they sit. She bought them the last weekend before she passed. Just days before she died she bought this stuff, her last purchases. I look at them and I see her. You think "They will never replace this. Once it's gone that's it." Believe me, we're on the same page. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 27, 2016 Report Share Posted January 27, 2016 2 hours ago, Cookie said: One thing that is very hard to deal with is that I feel bad a lot of the time, but then something causes the bottom to fall out. It's anxiety, depression, hopelessness all mixed up in one. That's when it gets scary and I wonder if there will be an end to this or if that part will get worse. Does anyone else have this happen? It comes and goes, but is very intense at this point 7 1/2 months from losing John. As many have said, that is about the time when the shock really starts to wear off and reality becomes more paramount. Happened to me about that time. It is very scary. I often question my sanity as the person I was seems like a fictional character now. One thing I can tell you is there has not been one single question I have ever asked about if whatever is normal that has been answered no. But it helps to ask and be reassured you are not alone. You are now and keep asking. What I notice is that affirmation is so valued, but it doesn't always stick long when we keep getting hammered by it day after day. As to if it gets worse or not? That is something we can't know until more time passes (everyone being different) so possibly and probably there will be more questions then. Keep asking. Use any resource you can. Everyone here is a gem in my book for keeping me going. And we help,others too. It's a great little world we have here. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted January 27, 2016 Report Share Posted January 27, 2016 TH- It makes perfect sense. You have lost a vital part of who you have become over time. None of us want the new life we've been thrust into; if we did we wouldn't be grieving. We are all fighting to make sense out of our lives and how to do it without our loved ones. The tiny things are the things that get to me the most as I can't prepare for them, they just happen. You mind is like my mind, is like most everyone's here; it is all over the place. We've had a horrendous shock and don't know how to move on. You're doing fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 4 hours ago, TH said: II look in the mirror and I'm not sure who I am. Look at old photos with R and wonder who that person was. I cling onto the past a lot, too, onto things that mattered when R was here, no matter how tiny. I guess I'm scared of losing connections with the life we had, as the world keeps turning and more days come between us. I don't want a new life without him, don't like having things happen that I can't share with him. Writing that out, I'm not sure how much sense that makes, but it's a been very rough few weeks right now and my mind is all over the place. I look at the woman in my mirror and say.....who is that? I once knew a happy person that looked back at me. She's gone. I also feel as the days pass it is more and more time lost between us. When I cry now it is often because of that. How much he is missing in the 'life' that is still going on here. Mostly because I got a new dog and he doesn't know her nor she him. All our dogs knew 'dad' and he was the pushover compared to me. My mind has a will of its own now. I try and keep up but it flits around and tires me out trying to keep up with it. The most frustrating for me is doing things and have no memory of doing them. Can't count how many times I think to fill the dog water bowl and my mind beat me to it. And concentration? Out the window. Reading always requires a 'previously read yesterday' stage. Dont worry about trying to make sense because ya know what? To all the rest of us, you do! What does that tell you? Hint...you are not alone by a long shot. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 16 hours ago, TH said: I don't want a new life without him, don't like having things happen that I can't share with him. This makes perfect sense. I think the same way. I think of things I want to do, places I always wanted to go. Not even grand places like another country, I mean Disney World and Vegas and I think "Eh, the excitement is gone now" if I did go all I would think about is how she is not there to experience it. Besides, who would I go with? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 On 1/27/2016 at 10:13 AM, kayc said: HH, Well I'm surprised your Mom isn't seeing a counselor! After all, she lost a daughter! We do not just "get over this", Funny you say that because her seeing a counselor is not even the last thing on her list, it's not even on her list. I recall being around my aunt (who lost 2 sons) and I mentioned needing to see someone she shook her head and was like "Nope. I ain't talking to nobody!" I think that's just how they are, a family and probably generational thing. I was thinking that I'm glad I didn't suffer any tragedies as a child because my mom would never have thought to put us in counseling. It's just something our family would never think about (or afford anyway) My mom is also a hoarder on a medium scale and if I wasn't living with her it would probably get large enough for me to call the TV show to come intervene. My sister and I talked about that all the time. It's infuriating. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 My mom needed therapy more than anyone I've ever known, and you guessed it, never got it! She also needed medicine she never got on either. She had so many mental disorders. I used to tell my sisters as much as it's difficult to be around her, it must really suck to BE her! After all, she couldn't get away from herself, whereas at least we could take breathers. That is the one good thing about her death, she's finally out of her lifelong troubles. Even dementia gave her some relief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hollowheart Posted January 28, 2016 Report Share Posted January 28, 2016 Kay, it's so conflicting when death is a relief but it's also still devastating to you as well. The dementia was probably tiring for her but, like you mentioned, she couldn't leave to get a break from her own self. It's also hard when you really don't know you need therapy or meds but you really do. Me and my sister just looked at our mom as lazy and a slob for years. But now I wonder if she does have a hoarder personality, and I think about it more now that my sister is gone. I know that is taking a toll on her too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 I went back and read some of these posts. The emotional see-saw seems to happen to everyone. That is hard. I have seen a psychiatrist about antidepressants, and he said he didn't think I was clinically depressed, just had an earthquake in my life by losing my husband of 46 years. I had been with him since I was 18 and came from a very unstable childhood, so he was everything to me--father, mother, best friend, lover, etc. So, yes, I am suffering terribly at his loss but do have neutral moments also. I think what scares me is wondering if I can ever get to where I feel stable and content to be on my own, mostly emotionally. The doctor said yes I will. He said that I had demonstrated in my life that I had what it takes to move forward. That was a comfort to hear, even though I don't know if I believe it. He said I wouldn't believe it now but it would happen. He said "when you leave this office I want you to memorize--this seems permanent, but it is temporary." I also said he thought I could benefit from lorazepam, which I think I will do. I'm writing this for everyone here who feels lost. It seems that the human spirit is quite powerful and will heal. I choose to believe that. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 On 1/28/2016 at 9:27 AM, hollowheart said: Kay, it's so conflicting when death is a relief but it's also still devastating to you as well. The dementia was probably tiring for her but, like you mentioned, she couldn't leave to get a break from her own self. It's also hard when you really don't know you need therapy or meds but you really do. Me and my sister just looked at our mom as lazy and a slob for years. But now I wonder if she does have a hoarder personality, and I think about it more now that my sister is gone. I know that is taking a toll on her too. My mom actually seemed happier when her dementia was more advanced, in some ways, albeit confused, because she "forgot" so much of what her paranoia had created as a false perception in her life. She still had the paranoia, but for the first time in her life was getting medicine for it, and that helped, as well as forgetting her perceived grudges did. Whether one is a hoarder or has some other mental disorder, one thing I've noticed is they don't need our judgment. Hoarding is complicated, and it's not just a matter of needing to clean their house up, nor is it due to laziness, they need professional help dealing with the underlying causes, which can run deep. They often feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start. They may realize their life is out of control but not admit it to others as they don't want to deal with it...that terrifies them. If she's reached the point where it's a danger to her safety or that of someone else's, it's time to call in professionals. But she can't really be helped until she acknowledges that need for help and wants it. She would have to be a participant in it. Sometimes hoarders that have gotten "help" are so devastated by the shock of others infiltrating that area of their life, they never quite get over it. My mom grew up in a time when skeletons were kept in the closet and people did get help or read self-help books. Her problems presented when she was a child and her parents didn't effectively deal with it, I'm sure they were as baffled as her siblings. It's possible it was something genetic she was born with as I don't think she had any particular trauma that her other siblings didn't have (growing up in the depression). No one beat her or molested her or anything like that, but she seemed to lack the resiliency needed to get past small slights that we all encounter, and such low self-esteem! I am very thankful that she no longer has these life-long struggles. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Al and I were also so very close that it is so hard without him. I have been sick this week with a bad cold and cough. I sure miss him even more now. Just someone who cares and is watching out for you, even if he could not do much. He was blind near the end but he got around by "feel". It is amazing how much he actually did in his condition. This is sure a hard time for all of us. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Kaye, my grandmother was afraid for my mama to leave home. She knew something was wrong but in those days people did not get help. They helped themselves the best they could. My dad, I know, was bipolar and with two bipolar children I can see his many moods clearer now. One minute he was tripping the light fantastic, the next angry and brooding. Never knew what to expect. Figure my mama was borderline personality disorder. That is why I went so long to the psychiatrist. Only thing she could come up with was chronic depression, but that diagnosis does not make grief any easier. We do what we can with the mentality we were given. I can understand your mom in a way. I would not like to face the reality that I have to face and escaping into dementia might be easier sometimes. My mom has dementia/Alzheimer's now. How they tell the difference I don't know. But she seems satisfied that she has lost anywhere from 3 to 5 husbands. But, in reality there was only one. I hate reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 9 minutes ago, Gin said: Al and I were also so very close that it is so hard without him. I have been sick this week with a bad cold and cough. I sure miss him even more now. Just someone who cares and is watching out for you, even if he could not do much. He was blind near the end but he got around by "feel". It is amazing how much he actually did in his condition. This is sure a hard time for all of us. For Gin... Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 7 hours ago, Cookie said: He said "when you leave this office I want you to memorize--this seems permanent, but it is temporary." I also said he thought I could benefit from lorazepam, which I think I will do. I'm writing this for everyone here who feels lost. It seems that the human spirit is quite powerful and will heal. I choose to believe that. I only have one dispute with your psychiatrist. Yes, the intensity is hopefully temporary, but I don't think implying it is not prrmanent is a good thing. We will be changed, but in this case I feel it is permanent by its very significance. This is, of course, just my opinion. My counselor has been quite honest that I will survive, but who I will be and how remains a mystery as it unfolds. I go thru a few days I think, yeah, I can do this. Then I crash and feel like I am crawling thru life for days. It's maddening! I know I couldn't do this without the Xanax I take. The emotions are crippling enough without panic attacks on top of it. I truly hope all us 'heal'. But I have yet to figure out what that exactly means. Today is a day that I actually would li to go back to. The cancer hell because Steve was here. I could see and touch him. This emptiness of his presence makes wish I was gone too. I'll try no keep your spirit in mind to make it thru the day. I want to believe it is possible to find meaning again. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 I know the experts say not to depend on something like Xanax. Sorry, I depend on it. I am not apologizing. It is saving my life. How long I take it depends on how long "I THINK" I need it. That is going to depend on when I am ready to give it up. Not ready. I have been on it when I had the cancer 34 years ago. I got off of it at my own pace. I do know how to get off of it. I just do not want to. Maybe I will later, maybe not. I don't care, and at my age, I just might keep it till the end. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Gwenivere: I agree with you. I think it is permanent; just can't imagine how it will play out down the line. I was just relating what he said, not that I necessarily believe it. It's the first time I've seen him. I would really like to believe that it's temporary--the intense stuff. I had to go to the doctor today for a sinus infection (I've been sick about 6 times since my husband died, and I never used to get sick). Just going to the doctor was excruciating. It took me back to all the times we sat in that office and all the stuff he went through, and he still died. Was hard to come home and of course he's not here. So, now I'm on antibiotics again. Just wondering what the next sickness is going to be. I also know what you're saying when you say you would go back to the cancer hell. I felt and still feel the same way (I guess it's selfish of me). I would have him back under any conditions. Of course I didn't want him suffering, but I just so want him..... 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Wow, Janice, you too? I've never been hit with so many maladies til after Steve died. And yes like they trigger times I was with him during his so I have a very hard time dealing with medical issues. I so do not want to have to talk to a doctor again. Sick of it, no pun intended. I know it sounds selfish to want to go back, but there were times he was doing well and even tho it was always hanging over our heads, we could laugh, enjoy life and do things together. We could forget it was there. I block out the last 2 months. Anyway....I heard it was quite common we get ill because we are depleted. Heck of a bonus on top of the loss. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted February 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Yeah Gwenivere: I really was quite healthy; only went to the doctor for yearly physicals, but I swear every month or so it's something else. It does feel like punishment. This newest thing, a sinus infection has me gagging and coughing a lot, and it is so painfully close to what was happening to John in the last year of his life. He had throat cancer and was always gagging and coughing and having a hard time swallowing. I don't know if I'll ever get over the memory of it. It made him so uncomfortable and not want to be around other people. Life can be so cruel..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted February 3, 2016 Report Share Posted February 3, 2016 Marg, pardon my language, but f*ck the 'experts'. I have crossed paths with many in the medical field due to Steve's treatment and most have tunnel vision. Experts have a path they follow, mostly one size fits all and forget about grief. Xanax has been in my life for over 30 years and is staying. My docs motto is function above all else. All this addiction crap makes my blood boil. I'd rather be addicted to Xanax than to my house because I was too afraid to leave because of attacks. My doc feels anxiety can be life threatening. You can only take so much before....well, you just give up. I have enough reason to feel that beside something that can ease a feeling that adds absolutely NOTHING that helps me navigate this journey. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 @Gwenivere: AMEN Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 Gwen, my therapist has told me sth similar to yours. In fact, last time he told me he doesn't know how I will evolve, but he hopes for the best. I cannot imagine what could be sort of best.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 4, 2016 Report Share Posted February 4, 2016 An article here that I read today. Scars and the rebellion of grief. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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