Mornings are bad, also

[Gin]

The nights are so lonely and sad.  Lately, the mornings are terrible.  It is so hard to reach over and he isn't there---and won't be.  If I cough or make some noise, I think,"Hope that did not wake him---oh yeah, he isn't here anymore".  It is hard to think that it can get better.

[hollowheart]

Gin, it's things that you feel you will never get used to. It's ingrained in you the things you had with him, like hoping you didn't wake him. Those automatic things are almost like triggers.

The evenings and weekends are unbearable for me. The weekends are excruciating. All that down time and nothing to do with it.  It gets so boring and lonely and tedious. I want to go out but don't want to go alone. Having no one to talk to hurts so bad.

[Gin]

hH

yes the weekends are so lonely.  I am trying to fill up some time and joined a book club.  I am going to another one tomorrow.  At the one tomorrow, they also knit.  I wanted to go to a grief group,but I had a hard time finding one in the daytime.  Nothing will take his place, but I can't just stay in the house.  Days go by and I do not see another human.  No way to live.

[kayc]

When I first went through it the nights and weekends were the worst because that had been our time, and I had to work in the daytime M-F.  Losing my job a few months later was tough, not only being alone, but all the pressure of the finances on me, no one to help.  But now it's all the same, I guess the time that's the hardest is holidays and special days, spending them alone.  Like Valentine's Day coming up.  That'll always be hard.

[Gwenivere]

I hear ya, Gin.  Mornings are the worst and then there is a whole day without them.  I also notice it is harder on days I don't have any personal human contact.  Used to be chatting with cashiers or other customers was fun, but now I see how lonely that is, or intensifies it, when you come home to an empty house.  I couldn't find any grief support groups I the day where I am either.  But I do volunteer so that helps.  There is just no getting around this is hell.

[Gin]

Sure is, Gwen.  Too bad we all don't live close to each other.

[hollowheart]

12 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

There is just no getting around this is hell.

You said a mouthful here! When you mentioned the chatting with cashiers intensifies it felt true to me too. I knew I liked to talk, but I guess I didn't realize how much I talked before. We would hang out and talk for 4-6 hours, watching movies, whatever, then I'd go home a bit and go back for a few more hours. The contact was just normal and expected.

Kay, the evenings and the weekends was our time too, obviously because we both worked during the day. It was great to have that to look forward too during the week. I'm still glad for the weekends to be away from work, but they are not fun anymore.

I can't imagine how rough that was losing your job after losing your husband. I know you thought you wouldn't make it. Life is just to cruel. I'm honestly just sick of everything. I'm just tired. I just want what I used to have. I"m just tired.

[enna]

My heart hurts for those of you in pain right now. Loss is hard and lonely and needs to be validated. I think that is what we do here. We allow each other to vent and we don't try to "fix" others. 

 

[iheartm]

I have found that Sunday night is the worst for me. I feel most at peace when I am at home. Maybe because his ashes are here. Sunday nights I wake in the middle of the night thinking that the last place I want to be is at work. I just don't want to go. But then I get there and have a cup of coffee and the feeling fades. I guess spending the weekend at home with him is hard to break. 

[Gwenivere]

I have yet to master weekends alone.  It's not like we did fantastic things, but we defintely did things together more so than eat dinner and watch some TV.   It was food shopping which meant the things he loved I never buy anymore and our date night.  Every day was special, but there is something about weekends.  

[kayc]

I like being home, but sometimes I do feel alone.  There is a difference between coveted solitude and forced loneliness.  And sometimes enough is enough.  

I woke up at 1 am and couldn't go back to sleep.  I'm hoping to get a catnap before taking on the day.

[Cookie]

I can relate to all of this.  Same thing with me.  I work 3 hours on some mornings at a daycare, see some friends, go to a book club, but am hollow and lonely through it all.  I'm sure no one notices, it's very inner and that's the worst.  I do wonder some days if I will be able to keep this up, for how long.  There is nothing to replace that intimate knowingness of another person; how they knew what you were going to say before you said it; how they really cared about how you felt and anticipated things.  It is so god-awful to do without when you've had it for so long (46 years for me).  People do say the most insensitive things sometimes too (not meaning any harm I think).  At my book club yesterday, a woman whose husband has beat cancer, said, "someone asked me how I could be so cheerful with everything we've been through, and I said why be negative when it won't change anything."  I got so upset because what I wanted to say was, the real reason you can be cheerful is because you still have your husband, he's alive, he beat the odds!  It made me feel awful because it felt like she was saying you have a choice to be positive or negative no matter what, which may be true, but when you actually lose your most precious person, someone please tell me how to feel positive.  Another woman then said, we have to have the meeting at my place next time because my husband is going to be away for a month and I don't know how I'll stand it, and I'm thinking how would you like a lifetime of him being away.  These are good people who just don't have a clue, but emotionally I find it really hard to navigate these things.  It makes it so much harder and you feel like your on the outside looking in all the time.  Well, I wrote a book.  Take care all of you, Cookie

[hollowheart]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I like being home, but sometimes I do feel alone.  There is a difference between coveted solitude and forced loneliness.  And sometimes enough is enough.  

Gwen, iheartm, Cookie, Kay, once again I agree with you all.

Kay you are right, I also sometimes just think "enough is enough!" but that means nothing in the end. I just get these moments where I just get so sick of not having her around. I think, 'Ok, I'm tired of this" but can't do anything about it.

I used to do a lot of things by myself. One thing I would do was go to the movies a lot alone (and sneak into 2 or 3 other movies, shhhh!) I had no problem watching 3 movies alone. But the option to see a movie with her was always there. So, this forced solitude gives a whole new meaning and knowing I have no choice but to go alone makes me not want to go at all, even though I used to do it all the time. Isn't that crazy.

Cookie, you're right that those women didn't know what they were saying. What hurts is that your tragedy is so out of their memory that they don't even try to be considerate. I may not always know what to say but I will remember if someone suffered a tragedy, especially if I see them face to face on a somewhat regular basis.

I used to be one of those people that liked and shared those positivity quotes. Now none of it means anything, because you can't just "be positive" after someone dies. A motivational speaker can't help that. Sigh.

[Gwenivere]

6 hours ago, Cookie said:

It is so god-awful to do without when you've had it for so long (46 years for me).  People do say the most insensitive things sometimes too (not meaning any harm I think).  

I am FINALLY getting that these 'well meaning' people will never get it.  I spent a long time creating analogies and explanations and all are useless except to remind ourselves we have a damned good reason to feel as we do.  One good result anyway.

I have one particular person that while I know he cares, just cannot help but ask the wrong questions or make a comment that just makes me bristle.  Then I have to apply the 24 rule before replying because what I want to say would be overly harsh.  It can be the simplest thing I normally wouldn't tie to the grief but it is how he says things that pull me there because they are the reason deep down.  Once he asked why I still have Steve's car.  I simply said because it is Steve's and I have had enough of him erased for the time being.  Latest was why, if I hate the lack of light here in Seattle, do I keep getting up at noon and missing more daytime.  Now I have to say that was our schedule and forcing change I don't really want is kinda stupid.  I won't miss Steve any less sitting around twiddling my thumbs at an earlier hour than I do late at night.  I don't need my world changed even more right now.  If I thought what I was doing was unhealthy, that would be different.  I am just living (existing) in the most familiar world I know.  I still do the things I did at the usual times.  I just don't have my partner to share them with.  

Ive tried throwing the 'how would you do if you never got to see your wife again?' thing out, but it doesn't work because they can only see that as an imaginary possibility.  And as we all know, imagination doesn't even come close to the real thing.

[Gwenivere]

10 hours ago, kayc said:

I like being home, but sometimes I do feel alone.  There is a difference between coveted solitude and forced loneliness.  And sometimes enough is enough.  

Truer words were never said, Kay.  The lack of choice is so hard to accept.

[Cookie]

Gwenivere:  I know what you're talking about.  If people aren't trying to "fix" me with meds or all kinds of suggestions I've already thought of, they act like nothing happened or say things like, "you just need to let it go."  What I really need is someone who will give me a hug and say "it's going to be okay; I'll be here however long it takes."  Unfortunately, that would have been my husband and I don't know anyone else like that now.  I also am trying to keep to what is familiar.  That is why going out and trying new things and meeting new people is so excruciating.  It totally takes me out of my comfort zone and leaves me feeling very shaky.  I do it because all the grief people say that is what you need to do to move on, but sometimes I wonder.  I can have days of depression and anxiety after doing all this stuff.  And you know what, making new friends takes a long time; it doesn't just happen quickly.  You have to take time to be with people and get to know them, and I am hurting so much, I just don't know if I have the energy.  Why is this experience so much like punishment?  Warmly, Cookie

[kayc]

Janice, I think the getting out of your comfort zone is for later.  I think if you listen to that inner voice you'll know what is right for you right now.  If it's causing you so much depression and anxiety, I don't see as it's a help, more of a hurt.  You're right, making friends does take a long time.

[hollowheart]

7 hours ago, Cookie said:

That is why going out and trying new things and meeting new people is so excruciating.  It totally takes me out of my comfort zone and leaves me feeling very shaky.  I do it because all the grief people say that is what you need to do to move on, but sometimes I wonder.  I can have days of depression and anxiety after doing all this stuff.  And you know what, making new friends takes a long time; it doesn't just happen quickly.  You have to take time to be with people and get to know them, and I am hurting so much, I just don't know if I have the energy.  Why is this experience so much like punishment?  Warmly, Cookie

I just re-read this and it definitely touched me today, for some reason. I was just thinking about trying to make new friends and that was my exact thought, that making friends takes time, energy, commitment. It does take a while to feel comfortable with someone, consider them a friend and want to share personal things with them.

It takes years, or a lifetime to find someone you click with so well. I was doing this meeting new people thing years before she passed because I wanted friends outside of my sister. It worked for the most part, I did meet some nice people, but one has moved to Florida with her fiance and she's moved on with her happy life. I find myself wanting to talk to random strangers just to talk to someone. It's like I'm a crazy homeless lady. That feels so sad.

As I have gotten older I'm a little better being outside of my comfort zone, but loved always having my comfort zone handy to run back too. Not having it available anymore is very disconcerting and disturbing in a way. It almost makes me feel desperate in some situations and I hate that feeling.

[Gwenivere]

17 hours ago, Cookie said:

What I really need is someone who will give me a hug and say "it's going to be okay; I'll be here however long it takes."  Unfortunately, that would have been my husband and I don't know anyone else like that now.  

making new friends takes a long time; it doesn't just happen quickly.  You have to take time to be with people and get to know them, and I am hurting so much, I just don't know if I have the energy.  Why is this experience so much like punishment?  Warmly, Cookie

I found that same irony.  The only person that could truly comfort me is the one I lost.  That is something to be struggled with and one of the hardest to do.

You are right about friends.  I had that suggestion too like I just go out and aquire them.  I have the time, but most people are settled in thier lives or are found thru work or churches, things I do not have.  This isn't a novelty just now, I have experienced it for many years.  

Janice, my take this isn't like punishment, but I understand your feeling that way.  it is getting caught in a hell against our will that we didn't deserve.  We all did all we could for our loved ones and while we gave them everything we had, we are left behind to even more pain.  It's not fair.  Many, including myself, have expressed that having them back is, of course, our strongest desire.  We don't want them in pain again, but we are human and seek relief from ours.  And all our loves never wanted this for us.  Grief shows us all kinds if reactions, even selfish ones.  But it is because we love them so much.