Lost Husband & my Mother within 6 months

[Nature]

hi

i am new to this site and so very grateful i found it.

i lost my Mother in February of 2015 unexpectedly. We were so very close, & this knocked me to my knees.

Then i lost my husband of 30+ years in July to pancreatic cancer & he was diagnosed and deceased within 3 weeks and a day. This knocked me flat on my face and my grief is overwhelming. i brought him home, and he died here with me holding his hand. i helped take care of him, so did my daughters, along with Hospice- these people were wonderful.

My mother & my husband are buried within 15 yards of each other.

My children are all grown, in there 30's and they too are grieving. i need them now more than ever, though as of now we aren't even talking.i am so confused, am trying to go on, but i am so isolated. i spend days where i talk with nobody. i am in contact with a grief counselor through hospice. i have support through my one older brother, but otherwise i feel as if nobody really understands what i am going through. my older sister said it was because i am the 'strong one', well i am tired and scared of being strong. 

As time goes on i think some days i am totally losing it, other days i can manage. i don't want to part with any of his belongings, though i did go thru some of his clothing to donate to St. Vincent Depaul as he told me to do so. otherwise our bedroom & house has remained unchanged.

i go to the store & at times it feels great to get out, yet after awhile i cant wait to get HOME, as i feel safe here.

i have few friends, my husband and i enjoyed our privacy, and we relied on each other for eveything. he was my partner, my world, my everything. i feel very frightened in thinking of being without him. we had a great marriage. i found out that i feel like i don't 'fit in' where we used to frequent, and among people we did let into our lives. i feel uncomfortable around my own brothers and sisters at times!  i feel as if I abandoned my kids- i am in too much pain to help them. they tell me they lost their father too, i do understand, as i lost mine years ago. This however took my feet from underneath me and i cant get grounded. How can i be the parent when i can't get through this grief- they think i should be able to cope well by now & i can't.

i have been reading posts here and find them so helpful.

Thanks soo much for letting me vent.

Any and all feedback is greatly welcomed.

[Gin]

Nature,

so sorry you have to join us in grieving.  This is a good place to express yourself.  Everyone here is in the same situation and understands your pain.  My husband died 4 months ago and I am lost without him.  We did everything together.  He had a lot of problems, but I did not think he was so close to the end.  He was in the hospital for the last 2 weeks and I was able to stay with him the whole time.  This is such a hard journey.  And you with your mother AND husband! Feel free to come here often.

[enna]

Welcome to this caring group, Nature. I am so sorry that you need to be here. How very difficult that your are dealing with two losses ~ your mother and your husband We are here to listen and support you. No fixes, just open ears and often virtual hugs. Those hugs really do help. Our children grieve differently when they lose a mother or father and no one except someone who has lost a spouse or significant other can understand that grief. 

In my marriage to my Jim of forty years, we became one. Yes, we remained individual but were so connected. Those of us who have lost a spouse work now to find out who we are in our oneness. We are no longer paired with a significant other. 

You have not abandoned your kids. They will grieve in their own way. You could suggest that they connect with groups who have lost a parent. Our forum has an excellent thread that discusses openly what it is like to lose a parent. Check out our main home page for this.

I hope you will continue to come here and share your grief with us. Grief is not supposed to be something we do alone - we are a community and that is the best way to embrace our grief. 

Hugs to you,

Anne

[iPraiseHim]

Hello, Nature.  Welcome to our group.  This is a special place of loving, caring, and listening people.  Please continue to come back, read, share, and know that you are not alone. We each have our own grief journey but you are not alone.  This place help me to cope, understand, and move forward.  Initially, I was in shock and couldn't understand what was going on.  As you are able, keep coming back. Read the beginning post of anyone on here and it will help you on your path.  Get plenty of rest, hydrate and strive to eat healthier.  it will help provide the needed energy each day.  Praying for you, Nature.  Shalom

[KarenK]

Nature,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother and husband. I too, have suffered a double loss. My husband died in 2013 and my beautiful daughter in 2014, both as a result of cancer. His death was somewhat peaceful, preceded by 6 months of hell. Her death was violent and horrific. I was with each of them.

All of us here do understand what you are going through. Even though we all grieve differently, the losses are profound. Your life as you knew it is altered forever. I also rarely speak to anyone, except my son & grandson. I have no friends. We were loners, also.  My most meaningful conversations seem to be with the butcher. That's pretty sad.

Everyone here is so kind and considerate and they are my lifeline to sanity. This is not something you "get over". In time you accept & adapt.

[kayc]

Nature, 

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  I lost my husband 10 1/2 years ago, and my mom 1 1/2 years ago, my dad was 34 years ago.  The thing your kids probably don't realize is, your losses, even though the same person, are very different.  Also, every person handles their loss differently, so they can't compare their loss or adjustment to yours.  When you lose your spouse it affects you on every level of your being.  That is the person you interacted with daily!  It is the person that you turned to in life, the person you shared financial and household chores with.  The person with whom you celebrated every holiday, shared every weekend with, slept with, talked over your day with.  It's not quite the same as losing your parent when you lived in different households and spoke on the phone with, even though that person had been in your life, all your life!  A person shouldn't have to rate their losses or justify their reaction to them, it'd be nice if people in our society would understand about grief and allow you the time you need.  It takes what it takes!  And one thing I've learned on this grief journey, is that this is a lifelong journey...it doesn't stay the same, it is ever evolving, but it's not something that is over an done with in a year, or two, or three!
I miss my husband each and every day of my life.  We were everything to each other, soulmates, best friend, lovers, we connected like I've never connected with anyone else, we had such good communication, and when he held me, it was the best place in all the world to be!  No one can ever fill the void he left, I have rather had to learn to coexist with this hole inside of me.

I've heard many say that six months was when it really hit, although I'm sure it's different to some degree for everyone, but you are just past that point.  Support often seems to disappear and people think you "should" be moving on by now.  They don't get it!  We never "move on" from it, we have to learn to live with it and that's a hard thing to do!  It sinks in little by little, and there is ever so much to learn.  This grief can be exhausting!

I, too, find comfort in my home.  Even if I visit my son, and I enjoy seeing my granddaughter and granddoggies, I can't wait to get back home.  Not because I don't enjoy my time there, but this is my sanctuary!  It is here that my husband's picture is up on the wall, where some of his things are, where we lived together...it seems surreal that we ever had a life together, I see his birth, marriage, death certificates, I know with my mind he existed, but it's been so long, it feels like I've conjured him up.  I have all of these memories.  I remember how he sounded on the phone, what he smelled like, how it felt to have his arms around me, even after all this time.

I hope you will feel comfortable continuing to come here.  This is the place that saved my sanity.

[Nature]

thank you very much to those who have reached out and offered their thoughts and insight. it is very much appreciated, i am finding great comfort here reading posts and knowing that i am not alone, and not crazy.

i read where other people find the mornings and evenings and holidays especially hard, there is alot of information here & support.

i will keep coming back & reading. I hope to post also as i am in this journey with you all.

all the best to you!

[Guest Janka]

On ‎16‎.‎2‎.‎2016 at 8:55 AM, KarenK said:

 I also rarely speak to anyone, except my son & grandson. I have no friends. We were loners, also.  My most meaningful conversations seem to be with the butcher. That's pretty sad.

 

Dear Karen,

thanks God for that butcher!There were times I also was looking for some conversation with people around,in shopping center or elsewhere,but many of them got me wrong,so I stopped looking for friends there.I can talk now,but then I go away.They don´t understand my loneliness at all.I miss talking very much.For example,the other day I was ordered for a massage because of my aching back and when I said I must be wearing a heavy bags all alone,I´ve got so quick answer that I need a man.You can imagine how it feels.I stopped talking anymore,because the loss of my beloved man is my private thing,not for everyone´s ears.These are the moments of loneliness when nobody understands.

Hugs from Janka

[kayc]

Hmm, so that's why I'm alone?  I don't have a butcher!

[Guest Janka]

20 hours ago, kayc said:

Hmm, so that's why I'm alone?  I don't have a butcher!

  

Janka

[iheartm]

Dear Nature,

I am so sorry that you are joining us here. My husband died suddenly in December from complications from pneumonia. Neither of us had any idea when we arrived at the hospital that things would go downhill quickly. He died 10 days later leaving me in absolute shock.

My mother was recently put into a nursing home with dementia. She has not known who I am for a couple of years now and loved my husband so. She has no idea who he was anymore and I cannot share my grief with her in any way because she is long gone. 

Dealing with multiple events like this is earth shattering and you have no idea which way is up. I so understand where you are. I have friends but was never a very social person. My husband and I were it. It was just the two of us and we liked it that way. Your paragraph about it being just the two of you mirrors my life as well. I do not have a close family. Now that he is gone, I am so alone. I can so relate to you saying it feels nice to get out and then there is an overwhelming feeling of wanted to be safe at home. That is me exactly. We don’t have children so I can’t speak to that but I can say that you have to do and feel whatever you are feeling to get through. 

I am still in the “this is so raw” stage and many people here have opened their hearts to me and have comforted me in my grief. Even though we do not know each other here (some long time posters might, but I am speaking generally), we know exactly what each person is going through. As much as you are hurting, please know that you are not alone.

[brat#2]

Dear Nature,

I'm so sorry for both of your losses.  My husband died in July, 2015 after a short battle with cancer.  My mother died when I was 19 years old, but I had my daddy to help me through it, then my daddy dies 10 years later, but I had my husband to help me through that.  I'm alone now, we didn't have children, family that is left lives far away,  We didn't have many friends either, we were each others best friends and what few we did have don't contact me anymore.  I just joined this group last week, but have been reading the posts for months and have found them to be very helpful and makes me realize that I'm not alone.  Everyone seems to be very caring, understanding and don't judge you or try to "fix" you.  Please continue to come here, as I plan too and hopefully it can make both of us feel not so alone.

 

[enna]

I found this today on FB and wanted to share it with all of you. It is so important to be gentle with ourselves. 

"Sometimes doing our best means we got out of bed. It means that despite the realities and challenges in our path we still managed to put one foot in front of the other and move in the direction that made the most sense for now. And it means whether today was an easy or difficult day, we remembered to be gentle, forgiving and loving with ourselves and also with those around us who are doing their best too."  

 

[Guest Janka]

On ‎17‎.‎2‎.‎2016 at 4:12 PM, Nature said:

thank you very much to those who have reached out and offered their thoughts and insight. it is very much appreciated, i am finding great comfort here reading posts and knowing that i am not alone, and not crazy.

i read where other people find the mornings and evenings and holidays especially hard, there is alot of information here & support.

i will keep coming back & reading. I hope to post also as i am in this journey with you all.

all the best to you!

Dear Nature,

I was thinking for a while how to start my post as you probably know my story,reading here what we others have posted,as you said.I lost my beloved man Jan from morning till night,so suddenly,though he was healthy and not old at all.I was in his arms full of love at 7 in the morning and at 1 in the night he was dead.The doctors killed him and this fatal error of them took him away from me till the rest of my days here on earth.You´re lucky having your family near you.I have no close family,just my belief in God,2 best friends of mine and some good people here in the forum.I´m still young and all alone.It´s been 4 years for me now,so I understand what you´re going through now.I´ve been fighting alone,without any pills for sleep,without any help of doctors,without any supporting groups like have the others here...just working each day to stand everything I had to...to survive it all...the hardest wound of my whole life...the loss of my beloved man,the love of my life,my everything...my most beautiful,the best and only one forever.I can´t kiss or touch another man and don´t want to.I know that one day I´ll meet my beloved Jan again...being as one...for eternity!On top of everything I have many other things I have to struggle with now,so it´s very hard for me by all means.I can´t write more at the moment,otherwise I´d burst into tears and couldn´t stop crying then.

I´m very sorry for your precious loss and everything you have to go through by now,so hold you close to my heart.We all are here for you.I hope that you also can find much needed comfort,support and understanding here.Please,take care!
 

With love Janka

[kayc]

Anne, did you share it on FB?  Because I'll have to share it with a friend that needs to hear that message today.

[Cookie]

On February 16, 2016 at 7:44 AM, kayc said:

Nature, 

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  I lost my husband 10 1/2 years ago, and my mom 1 1/2 years ago, my dad was 34 years ago.  The thing your kids probably don't realize is, your losses, even though the same person, are very different.  Also, every person handles their loss differently, so they can't compare their loss or adjustment to yours.  When you lose your spouse it affects you on every level of your being.  That is the person you interacted with daily!  It is the person that you turned to in life, the person you shared financial and household chores with.  The person with whom you celebrated every holiday, shared every weekend with, slept with, talked over your day with.  It's not quite the same as losing your parent when you lived in different households and spoke on the phone with, even though that person had been in your life, all your life!  A person shouldn't have to rate their losses or justify their reaction to them, it'd be nice if people in our society would understand about grief and allow you the time you need.  It takes what it takes!  And one thing I've learned on this grief journey, is that this is a lifelong journey...it doesn't stay the same, it is ever evolving, but it's not something that is over an done with in a year, or two, or three!
I miss my husband each and every day of my life.  We were everything to each other, soulmates, best friend, lovers, we connected like I've never connected with anyone else, we had such good communication, and when he held me, it was the best place in all the world to be!  No one can ever fill the void he left, I have rather had to learn to coexist with this hole inside of me.

I've heard many say that six months was when it really hit, although I'm sure it's different to some degree for everyone, but you are just past that point.  Support often seems to disappear and people think you "should" be moving on by now.  They don't get it!  We never "move on" from it, we have to learn to live with it and that's a hard thing to do!  It sinks in little by little, and there is ever so much to learn.  This grief can be exhausting!

I, too, find comfort in my home.  Even if I visit my son, and I enjoy seeing my granddaughter and granddoggies, I can't wait to get back home.  Not because I don't enjoy my time there, but this is my sanctuary!  It is here that my husband's picture is up on the wall, where some of his things are, where we lived together...it seems surreal that we ever had a life together, I see his birth, marriage, death certificates, I know with my mind he existed, but it's been so long, it feels like I've conjured him up.  I have all of these memories.  I remember how he sounded on the phone, what he smelled like, how it felt to have his arms around me, even after all this time.

I hope you will feel comfortable continuing to come here.  This is the place that saved my sanity.

Nature:  I lost my husband 8 months ago, and like a lot of others here, he was my best friend and closest person on this earth.  I too struggle with how to go on and why go on.  It is very lonely and sometimes it seems like the further out from his death, the lonelier it feels.  It is comforting to know that you are not alone, because I do sometimes think there is something wrong with my new sad nature and crying all the time.  I hope you can feel supported here and made to feel normal with what you are feeling.  It is true that people that you might know who haven't had a loss like this have no clue as to what it is, and that can be lonelier still.  That is why this site is so comforting.  You actually hear your story written by many others and know you have company.  My heart goes out to you....Cookie

[Nature]

On 2/16/2016 at 7:44 AM, kayc said:

Nature, 

I am so sorry for both of your losses.  I lost my husband 10 1/2 years ago, and my mom 1 1/2 years ago, my dad was 34 years ago.  The thing your kids probably don't realize is, your losses, even though the same person, are very different.  Also, every person handles their loss differently, so they can't compare their loss or adjustment to yours.  When you lose your spouse it affects you on every level of your being.  That is the person you interacted with daily!  It is the person that you turned to in life, the person you shared financial and household chores with.  The person with whom you celebrated every holiday, shared every weekend with, slept with, talked over your day with.  It's not quite the same as losing your parent when you lived in different households and spoke on the phone with, even though that person had been in your life, all your life!  A person shouldn't have to rate their losses or justify their reaction to them, it'd be nice if people in our society would understand about grief and allow you the time you need.  It takes what it takes!  And one thing I've learned on this grief journey, is that this is a lifelong journey...it doesn't stay the same, it is ever evolving, but it's not something that is over an done with in a year, or two, or three!
I miss my husband each and every day of my life.  We were everything to each other, soulmates, best friend, lovers, we connected like I've never connected with anyone else, we had such good communication, and when he held me, it was the best place in all the world to be!  No one can ever fill the void he left, I have rather had to learn to coexist with this hole inside of me.

I've heard many say that six months was when it really hit, although I'm sure it's different to some degree for everyone, but you are just past that point.  Support often seems to disappear and people think you "should" be moving on by now.  They don't get it!  We never "move on" from it, we have to learn to live with it and that's a hard thing to do!  It sinks in little by little, and there is ever so much to learn.  This grief can be exhausting!

I, too, find comfort in my home.  Even if I visit my son, and I enjoy seeing my granddaughter and granddoggies, I can't wait to get back home.  Not because I don't enjoy my time there, but this is my sanctuary!  It is here that my husband's picture is up on the wall, where some of his things are, where we lived together...it seems surreal that we ever had a life together, I see his birth, marriage, death certificates, I know with my mind he existed, but it's been so long, it feels like I've conjured him up.  I have all of these memories.  I remember how he sounded on the phone, what he smelled like, how it felt to have his arms around me, even after all this time.

I hope you will feel comfortable continuing to come here.  This is the place that saved my sanity.

Thanks to each & everyone of you who have  showed me compassion, understanding, support, and truly welcoming me into this group. i truly feel i belong here, and i hope to thank you all individually. i plan to as time goes on, and i can see you are patient & loving people. your kindness is unbelievable. grieving has brought us all together. this group is going to be my 'anchor', i can see that already.

i have a very hard time trusting people. where are all these 'parasites' coming from? people that think they 'deserve' something of my husbands, or some just come right out & ask for material things? unbelievable! i get so angry that they are trying to take advantage of my circumstance- where do they get these ideas? i dont answer my door, and i screen all my calls. i have 'disconnected' myself from almost everyone for my own protection and sanity! the nerve of these people. they  approach me with 'ulterior motives', if they offer to do something, its because they want something, i am sadly i am finding this out. 

people i thought were our true friends ( though they were few) have hurt me the most. 

my kids are upset as they say i spend too much time alone. at times i truly feel i am safer that way. i am missing out on my grandchildren, and my kids' lives. but i know i am an emotional mess also, and i dont want my grandkids to see me this way, what good is that?

Last night was very hard, i wanted to scream outloud as i was so lonesome & hurting so badly. there wasnt anyone i wanted to call, as truly they dont understand. the silence was/is so loud it is actually deafening if that makes sense!  i could hear my own heart beat. i am so depressed and lonely i dont know how i am ever going to make it, but i know i have too. wow, when its a 'down time', i am way down.....i have a long way to go, i am so confused, i repeat myself alot ( my kids tell me), so i am getting afraid to even say anything. i really have nothing to say anyhow, as i cant change anything.

i keep waiting for Spring, as i love the outdoors and i live in a very rural area. i am surrounded by nature, lots of it, and working farms & farmland. There is a state park not far from me & i like to go & sit by the lake & watch the sailboats. i keep thinking the sun & outdoors  will help me feel better as my husband & i spent most of our time outdoors. I also think this will make me feel closer to my husband & mother. i pray it doesn't have the opposite effect & make me feel worse!  i love to watch the wildlife, and i cherish it.

i cherished my husband & my mother. i am handling my mothers death better- it was a year on the 17th since she passed. my husband died in july. i go to their graves alot. if i am in the vicinity of them, i cant NOT stop. its winter now, so no flowers etc. but weather permitting i am always planting something. is it harmful to spend too much time at their graves by doing what i am doing there? it brings a peace over me when i am there & after i am done.

i  truly dont know how people make it through this...losing loved ones that you love so deeply.

Hugs to you all for listening and being here.

i will keep reading, and posting. i know there are good days and bad.

Thank you all, your'e so very understanding & forgiving.

[Nature]

please bear with me as i learn to manuever around this site- i am not sure where to post or where/how to reply- i will figure it out. {{{ }}}

[iheartm]

Nature,

Every time I read one of your posts, I have to ask myself if you are me. We have so much in common with what we are thinking. All I can think is that I need nice weather to come so I can sit outside or talk a walk down by the water. Being cooped up indoors during the winter months causes enough sadness as it is, but add this on top of it and it becomes so much more difficult. 

[kayc]

Nature,

Well you and I would get along because I, too, love nature.  I live in a rural area too, in the mountains and am near USFS trails, and I love to take my dog out walking.  I live among deer and elk, I also see bear, raccoons, skunks, squirrels, owls, you name it.  They and the trees are why I am here, this is where I scattered my husband's ashes, and where I want my kids to scatter mine.  I have a creek abutting my property, and forest on my land.  I wish I had a log cabin instead of an old broke down worn out mobile home, but it's the property that is my soul.  My George felt the same way and loved this place, he used to call it our "home in the clouds".

I'm sorry for your experience with people, unfortunately that is too common, I went through some of that as well.  He wasn't even stiff yet when one of his friends informed me that he'd promised him his car!  I told him I was sorry he hadn't discussed it with me because I was sure he was aware that we owed money on it and I'd have to sell it to pay bills.  The nerve!!  His brother asked for his coin collection for his children, what?!  George had his own children and stepchildren to leave such things for, but as it was, he'd already gotten rid of his coin collection, goes to show his brother hadn't talked to him about it!  I was his wife, left destitute with all the medical bills to pay for, what are these people thinking!  Oh well, they weed themselves out of our lives in quick order.

As far as being lonely, that's one of the good things about this place, no matter what time day or night, there's usually someone up reading, somewhere around the world...

[kayc]

BTW, I told his brother if he wanted something to remember him by, I'd be glad to give him one of the hospital bills.  I never heard from him again.  No loss, he was manipulative and corrupt and it wasn't going to work on me.

[Guest Janka]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

BTW, I told his brother if he wanted something to remember him by, I'd be glad to give him one of the hospital bills.  I never heard from him again.  No loss, he was manipulative and corrupt and it wasn't going to work on me.

As well as family of my beloved man Jan.His brother let me unaware up to 3 days until he called me up to say that my beloved one died.It was ruthless to me !!!Some people are worse than animals.My beloved Jan was trying about a property settlement after he had divorced his first wife.It was brought onto the trial,but never to an end as he died formerly.That´s all why I´m not in contact with his family anymore.They even took away from me those things that belonged to us two.They didn´t care about his grave.Such a shame!I was the only one and still I am.I bring him the most beautiful roses each month.He will never be forgotten!I´ll be going there for the rest of my life.

I love him above all !!!

Janka

[Guest]

Janka,

I've said it before but Jan was and is a lucky man.

[Nature]

On 2/16/2016 at 2:55 AM, KarenK said:

Nature,

I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your mother and husband. I too, have suffered a double loss. My husband died in 2013 and my beautiful daughter in 2014, both as a result of cancer. His death was somewhat peaceful, preceded by 6 months of hell. Her death was violent and horrific. I was with each of them.

All of us here do understand what you are going through. Even though we all grieve differently, the losses are profound. Your life as you knew it is altered forever. I also rarely speak to anyone, except my son & grandson. I have no friends. We were loners, also.  My most meaningful conversations seem to be with the butcher. That's pretty sad.

Everyone here is so kind and considerate and they are my lifeline to sanity. This is not something you "get over". In time you accept & adapt.

I have no friends. We were loners, also.  My most meaningful conversations seem to be with the butcher. That's pretty sad.

Karen,

i identify with what you wrote and especially this statement.

i had to smile, as i am from a family of butchers.

 

[Nature]

1 hour ago, Janka said:

As well as family of my beloved man Jan.His brother let me unaware up to 3 days until he called me up to say that my beloved one died.It was ruthless to me !!!Some people are worse than animals.My beloved Jan was trying about a property settlement after he had divorced his first wife.It was brought onto the trial,but never to an end as he died formerly.That´s all why I´m not in contact with his family anymore.They even took away from me those things that belonged to us two.They didn´t care about his grave.Such a shame!I was the only one and still I am.I bring him the most beautiful roses each month.He will never be forgotten!I´ll be going there for the rest of my life.

I love him above all !!!

Janka

.That´s all why I´m not in contact with his family anymore

They didn´t care about his grave

Janka,

Your comments are so correct, i can relate.

i purchased his beautiful headstone, and am the only one who attends/takes care of his grave. he has a mother & 5 brothers & sisters, numerous aunts & uncles. i had never met ANY of them until his death, and i have no communication with them now, nor do i ever plan too. after all the years of our marriage, never laying eyes on these people, then for them to appear out of nowhere. to act as if they cared, when all along i was treated as if i wasnt good enough. i felt 'tolerated'.

IN TRUTH-  They didnt even know their own brother, and his mother didn't know her own son.( people change after 30+ years). yes, they knew we we were, and we knew where they were. my husband refused to have any contact. he was close with his father & so was i, his father came & seen us & his grandchildren.

I believe they are guilt ridden.?

Thanks for sharing.