KarenK Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 Today is Ron's birthday. He would be 69. I laid down to sleep a couple of hours ago. It did not work. Constantly running through my head are thoughts of how blind and naive I was regarding his cancer, especially that last month. You see, he had been fighting injuries, illness, partial loss of his foot, diabetes, heart attacks, Afib, and a multitude of other things for over 40 years. He was strong and determined and always conquered or controlled in the end. I refused to see that he was just plain worn out, that he couldn't fight anymore. Even through all our rough spots, he had always been my hero who had saved me from the wolves all those many years ago. I told him I would be alright if he left, but I lied. I am not alright. I love him and I am simply lost without him. Damn, I miss that ol' man. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 Karen, I completely understand how you feel. I didn't realize how sick my Dale was either. That 4 1/2 months after diagnosis with lung cancer and brain mets and after doing the treatments he would be gone. He was my hero also and saved me so many times that I never thought I would be without him and that I wasn't able to save him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 We all handle our grief differently. Somehow though, it is really all the same. Thanksgiving and Christmas I don't even remember. I gave presents, unwrapped, no cards, given at times before the date. Our neighbor and Billy's friend died on Christmas day. Things will never be the same for any of us. My heart goes out to you today. My friend finds solace on dates in going to her husband's grave and she and the grandchildren and children send balloons up "to heaven" with messages. She has been doing this for 7-8 years. I know one thing, I will never give a card on any occasion again without signing both our names. His money went into buying a gift and always will. Somehow, just seeing his name on things makes me feel less alone. My friend sat in front of her husband's chair and had a long discussion with him. She told him exactly how some things made her angry and then all the good things he had done. I took Billy's hats and drove to the "big city" and I went over our long marriage. I went over the good and the bad. It took the whole 80+ miles of talking to him to cover our marriage. It made me feel so much better that I tried taking those three hats with me the next time. Intead, I cried so much the 80+ miles I could not take them with me again. I had said all I wanted to say. Now I talk to him anytime I am by myself, which is very seldom. My heart is with you today. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 Oh Karen, my heart goes out to you. We all said we'd be okay, for the simple fact that we didn't want their dying moments to be taken with worrying about us. And we are okay in the sense that we've somehow survived. But part of this is living with that hole in our hearts, and in that sense, we'll never be quite the same again. It's like we were naive before but that has been taken from us. I hope you're able to get some rest today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 24, 2016 Report Share Posted February 24, 2016 Thinking of you Karen. So much to cope with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 5 hours ago, Marg M said: Somehow, just seeing his name on things makes me feel less alone. This is how I feel everytime I see the name of my beloved man or someone writes the same name in the post.It´s been 4 years now,and yet I jerk when I see someone afar who looks a little bit like him.It lasts just for seconds,but I like to believe that it could be him,because I love him so much!!! Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 6 hours ago, KarenK said: Today is Ron's birthday. He would be 69. I laid down to sleep a couple of hours ago. It did not work. Constantly running through my head are thoughts of how blind and naive I was regarding his cancer, especially that last month. You see, he had been fighting injuries, illness, partial loss of his foot, diabetes, heart attacks, Afib, and a multitude of other things for over 40 years. He was strong and determined and always conquered or controlled in the end. I refused to see that he was just plain worn out, that he couldn't fight anymore. Even through all our rough spots, he had always been my hero who had saved me from the wolves all those many years ago. I told him I would be alright if he left, but I lied. I am not alright. I love him and I am simply lost without him. Dear Karen! Happy heavenly birthday to your beloved Ron! With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Karen, It is a hard day for you. I told my Al it was OK if he was too tired to fight anymore and he could go home to be with God. I did not want him to go and it was NOT OK, but I said it. He had lots of problems, but I did not think the end was near. He seemed to be improving. Then it all went downhill. I could not understand that it was over. I was so sure that he was coming home. Hang in there. It is so hard. Gin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Thank you everyone, I managed about an hour's sleep this afternoon before someone banged on my back door. I didn't answer it. I'm pretty sure it was Ron's brother who has recently started trying to worm his way back in. I thought I had settled this a couple of months ago when I told him we were definitely not "going out" together, but because of his mental illness he is "dumb like a fox". He showed up last week and wants to visit every week. In his mind, he is "God's gift to women". He is only God's gift to himself. When he left, he gave me a hug, not a brotherly one. My son saw him nearby this evening when he dropped off the new BP med, but he did not come here, thank the stars. I don't want to be mean to him, but I don't want his company either. I feel like I am in Peyton Place. We often discuss whether the second year is harder than the first. For me, this is the third year and has been the worst so far. Of course, it is the second year following my daughter's death, all of which is accompanied by the financial problems and not feeling well so I'm sure that contributes to it. Think I'll turn off the lights and watch a scary movie. At least it will be scarier than my life. LOL 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Just what you need! (dealing with his brother)...you may have to get tough with him as guys like that, tact goes right over them. When you mentioned watching a scary movie, I thought of this: 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 5 minutes ago, KarenK said: Thank you everyone, I managed about an hour's sleep this afternoon before someone banged on my back door. I didn't answer it. I'm pretty sure it was Ron's brother who has recently started trying to worm his way back in. I thought I had settled this a couple of months ago when I told him we were definitely not "going out" together, but because of his mental illness he is "dumb like a fox". He showed up last week and wants to visit every week. In his mind, he is "God's gift to women". He is only God's gift to himself. When he left, he gave me a hug, not a brotherly one. My son saw him nearby this evening when he dropped off the new BP med, but he did not come here, thank the stars. I don't want to be mean to him, but I don't want his company either. I feel like I am in Peyton Place. We often discuss whether the second year is harder than the first. For me, this is the third year and has been the worst so far. Of course, it is the second year following my daughter's death, all of which is accompanied by the financial problems and not feeling well so I'm sure that contributes to it. Think I'll turn off the lights and watch a scary movie. At least it will be scarier than my life. LOL Dear Karen, I do understand.It´s been 4 years for me now and many problems I´ve been going through makes it worse by all means!I was watching "The walking dead" 2 hours ago.Now started the 6th series of TV. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 4 minutes ago, kayc said: Just what you need! (dealing with his brother)...you may have to get tough with him as guys like that, tact goes right over them. When you mentioned watching a scary movie, I thought of this: The poor dogs... Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted February 25, 2016 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Too funny and so true, Kay! Hate to admit it Janka, but the "Walking Dead" is one of my favorites. I am more into suspense than gore, though. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Dear Karen, My thoughts are with you today. I was naive too about my BF illness and I never thought he could die. He was a hero in all senses. He changed my life for ever. I suggest two scary classic movies, Blair witch project and The ring. The only two I have seen by the way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 12 hours ago, KarenK said: Hate to admit it Janka, but the "Walking Dead" is one of my favorites. I am more into suspense than gore, though. As you said,Karen,we´ve been going through such a horror those last years that "The walking dead" is something that can´t scare me at all.I´d give them Oscars for what the actors had to go through. Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted February 25, 2016 Report Share Posted February 25, 2016 Thinking of you Karen. ❤️ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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