Gwenivere Posted March 6, 2016 Report Share Posted March 6, 2016 2 hours ago, Gin said: yesterday I shocked a friend when I told her that I have Al's ashes in the back room. He wanted them spread in his home town in Pa. I have Steve's and our golden retrievers ashes in a chest in his office. All he told me was he wanted to be cremated but not what to do with them. We never did figure out what to do with Belles. All I know is I couldn't stand looking at the boxes so put them out of sight. This may sound awful, but I really don't know why I even asked for the ashes to be sent to me. Neither of us were ever into thinking they were of any significance. Oddly, we did with our dogs because of special places in the yard they loved and we could put them. I offered some to his brother (Steve, not the dog) and he didn't want any either. His sister did and it was so odd getting some in a bag. It wasn't in my mind Steve at all. They will probably stay there til the executor has to deal with the place when. I am gone. I've had 16 months and the thought of them never entered my mind til this subject came up. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 They charged me $75 for a plastic box that didn't have a nickel's worth of plastic in it, looks like a Kleenex box without the hole in it. I told my kids to recycle it when my time comes and don't dare pay $75 (or more) for a piece of plastic! For all I'm concerned, they could have it put in a ziploc bag! What a money making racket! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 I got a bargain. Al had a pre-arranged cremation. I got 2 boxes for free. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 Deedo and I signed up with Science Care. They were wonderful and received Deedo's cremains in time for her Celebration of Life. Didn't cost us a cent. Now Deedo will be going to all those places that were/are so important to us like where we were married, engaged. All the places that meant so much to her. Also in a week she's headed to Harry Potter World, she's never been there but it was on her bucket list. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 Ron is buried in our plot that we purchased in 1977 at the time of my father's death. Both my parents and my husband now lie side by side and I will join them someday. I was in a daze when my daughter died. I had so little time with her. I went upstairs to dress for the arriving relatives and when I returned, her body had already been removed. It really devastated me. She and her husband had pre-arranged funeral plans and she was cremated shortly thereafter. Only her remains were present in a beautiful wooden container at her service. She lies in a place of beauty next to her beloved church in the rolling hills of Kentucky. Her son kept a tiny bit of ashes which are in a pendant which I bought for him. I cannot dwell on these thoughts for too long. The sadness is overwhelming. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 @Karen, and all those who have lost children, grown and younger, you have such an extra load to bear. My heart goes out to you all. Billy would have carried my urn in the RV with him, just like I was supposed to do with him. We kept pendants also, but none of us can wear them. Mine will hang next to his beautiful wooden urn. I know they tell us to wait a year for things because our minds change so often. I was going to get the RV and leave, but I cannot do what we planned to do together.......alone. I never felt old as long as Billy was with me and now I feel like I am 150 years old, at least. Sometimes I get angry and shake my fist at the heavens and tell him "you said the one left must stay, well dammit I am staying, but I don't want to." I'm with my granddaughter and my son and his girlfriend, I am doing okay despite my bitching. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 I have a tiny box with some of his ashes but i keep them hidden, it is a secret I keep. I touched them once, I remeber I thought "this is all, in the end, just dust". 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 (edited) I have the Urn , fancy Engraving and all, still perched up in the living room......Neighbors and friends realize its only temporary, but it is a conversation piece......since its beside my Christmas Tree I haven't taken down yet...........Oh yeah, I'm OK.......The end plan for the Ashes were to be buried together in Newfoundland...........In four years I will scatter some ashes at her Parents Gravesite.....then come up with a Joint plan....maybe my end plan will be similar to Gwens (executor to take Ashes etc)..........good idea to purchase URN in advance Edited March 7, 2016 by kevin omission last sentence 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 True story: When we got Billy's brother's ashes back (he had donated his body to medical school), I was afraid to have them in the house so I made Billy keep them behind the seat in the truck. We laughed that his brother would like riding in the truck everywhere. Finally brought them inside and I quit being paranoid about them. Now, when I go off for a few days I have to take Billy's big wooden urn (heavy), but we cannot leave his brother at home so I take them with me to ride with Billy. My friend takes her husbands to all family gatherings. In my new apartment, I will have them in a glass bookcase along with the little things he loved. Well, I started this thread, so my insanity comes from way back in time genes. Just me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 7 hours ago, scba said: I have a tiny box with some of his ashes but i keep them hidden, it is a secret I keep. I touched them once, I remeber I thought "this is all, in the end, just dust". Did you feel it was him tho? When I bagged some for his sister, I felt it was some odd stuff. It wasn't my Steve. Remains are an accurate term because he was gone. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 1 hour ago, Gwenivere said: Did you feel it was him tho? I bagged some for his sister, I felt it was some odd stuff. It wasn't my Steve. Remains are an accurate term because he was gone. I touched the ashes when we spreaded them at his funeral in a garden. I remember being in disbelief that those were the remainings of his body. I touched them to make sure that it was all real. I felt it was part of him, but not him. That it was something sacred that belonged to his existence. I returned to that Place a year later and I looked in the grass to check if a sign of them was still there. Of course there was nothing, but I felt I had to check. I write this story feeling like a lunatic but i understand the reason why. I accept that , the things we do because of love. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevin Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 DNA tests done on ashes are conclusive........its still them..I felt funny transferring Ashes from boxed bag to URN........Still talk to URN.....don't go driving with it...... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 Kevin, I didn't know about the dna. Amazing. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 7, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 No, I did not feel him in that box. Of course it is sealed. I prefer to think of him like the writings of the woman that wrote of water bugs and dragonflies. I know it is a child's tale, but sometimes I have a child's mind, and sometimes I miss the child's mind that was replaced with the reality one. People tell me to watch such and such movie. I say no, it is too sad. They say, well it is reality. I say I live reality and prefer fairy tales and fiction. You cannot hide from reality. I like to hide/avoid/disappear/stay off the radar. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 6 hours ago, Marg M said: People tell me to watch such and such movie. I say no, it is too sad. They say, well it is reality. I say I live reality and prefer fairy tales and fiction. You cannot hide from reality. I like to hide/avoid/disappear/stay off the radar. I went thru my Netflix queue and deleted a lot of movies. I'm with you. My sense of reality is so changed in my day to day life, I don't want to watch things that are depressing or have people/animals in realistic peril. Cuts down on a lot of opitions, but I have an intensity level now that I didn't before. I'll often get blindsided by things in movies or shows and say....what are the odds it would have to mirror something I experienced? I'm not really trying to hide, just spare myself what should be relaxing and entertaining from being torpedoed as such. Absolutely will not watch movies about people battling illness. That is a given. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 7, 2016 Report Share Posted March 7, 2016 55 minutes ago, Gwenivere said: I went thru my Netflix queue and deleted a lot of movies. I'm with you. My sense of reality is so changed in my day to day life, I don't want to watch things that are depressing or have people/animals in realistic peril. Cuts down on a lot of opitions, but I have an intensity level now that I didn't before. I'll often get blindsided by things in movies or shows and say....what are the odds it would have to mirror something I experienced? I'm not really trying to hide, just spare myself what should be relaxing and entertaining from being torpedoed as such. Absolutely will not watch movies about people battling illness. That is a given. I think I will beat you....I have downloaded a tv series in which the main character physically resembles my BF and I'm watching it because the leading actor reminds me of him. I'm so pathetic. But I'm fine. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Janka Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 8 hours ago, Marg M said: No, I did not feel him in that box. Of course it is sealed. I prefer to think of him like the writings of the woman that wrote of water bugs and dragonflies. I know it is a child's tale, but sometimes I have a child's mind, and sometimes I miss the child's mind that was replaced with the reality one. People tell me to watch such and such movie. I say no, it is too sad. They say, well it is reality. I say I live reality and prefer fairy tales and fiction. You cannot hide from reality. I like to hide/avoid/disappear/stay off the radar. My dear Margaret! Does exist the story of the bird who has been looking for a tree all his life.And when he comes to an end to find it,he´s going to flight there but it hurts him.And at the moment of dying,he´s singing more beautiful than a nightingale,so the whole world calms down and listening to him.And the Lord of heaven makes him a smile,because the greatest happiness is always paid by the biggest pain. With love Janka Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 That is beautiful. I think of him trying to reach me and unable to, so he goes on off and is fly fishing all the time, and he does not hurt. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 Yes, my TV viewing has definitely changed. He liked action movies and I would watch with him and I like romantic comedy and he would watch with me. Now I don't watch either one because they make me cry. I even cry at commercials now, if they are romantic. I still can't really listen to music yet. It is amazing how much your "normal" stuff changes during this process. Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 4 hours ago, scba said: I think I will beat you....I have downloaded a tv series in which the main character physically resembles my BF and I'm watching it because the leading actor reminds me of him. I'm so pathetic. But I'm fine. I'm amazed you can do that. Can emotionally handle it. It's not pathetic at all. If I run into reruns of a younger Harrison Ford I fall to pieces as Steve and he looked so much alike. I want to watch, but can't. That you can is hopefully cathartic for you. We all do what we feel we can. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 2 hours ago, brat#2 said: Now I don't watch either one because they make me cry. I even cry at commercials now, if they are romantic. I still can't really listen to music yet. It is amazing how much your "normal" stuff changes during this process. You are so right, Joyce. I'm not used to being barraged by commercials because the TV was only on for when we wanted to watch something. Now I have it as background and YES!, commercials can get to me too. Holiday ones are the hardest because they stress family and love. Forget the obvious sexual,overtones, but the Viagra or Cialis one that has the woman saying....don't we all want to cuddle up to our man? Gets a resounding yes from me. I'd take a hug or holding his hand at any price right now. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scba Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 13 hours ago, Gwenivere said: I'm amazed you can do that. Can emotionally handle it. It's not pathetic at all. If I run into reruns of a younger Harrison Ford I fall to pieces as Steve and he looked so much alike. I want to watch, but can't. That you can is hopefully cathartic for you. We all do what we feel we can. I feel a heart ache at watching it but I'm used to this feeling. I cannot handle it very well cause I watch the showz just to see him, but it is not him, but it looks like. Don't know if it makes sense. there is no human being close to me that reminds me of him in any aspect. His family lives very far away to visit them. On the other hand, I cannot look at our pictures, of the stuff I brought with me. This i cannot handle. I am testing exposure cause I have the feeling that time is separating us more and more, making me forget him, things that happened, how it felt, and so on. But if this is inevitable, I told him last night "so it be, but when my time arrives to release my soul, I will look for you, I don't know how it works, but I will look for you. This is not over...." Oh well..... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted March 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 @SCBA, that was said beautifully. We all have different reactions. Seeing our memories brings on such pain that I hide. But I don't want to avoid him, just the pain. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 8, 2016 Report Share Posted March 8, 2016 5 hours ago, scba said: I told him last night "so it be, but when my time arrives to release my soul, I will look for you, I don't know how it works, but I will look for you.... I think he'll find you, we won't even have to look. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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