Also sudden loss of husband

[Mary T]

I am a 63 year old. On June 8th my husband just didn't wake up. It was out of nowhere.  I tried shaking him but he was cold and rigid.  It has totally turned my world upside down.  Now with Christmas coming I just can't seem to shop or do much of anything else.  

Edited December 12, 2015 by Mary T

[Guest]

Welcome Mary.  I too am 63.  My wife died of lung cancer after a 17 month battle on July 29th.  You have come to the right place.  This discussion group has many caring, loving and compassionate people to help direct you through this process called grief.  This time of year is difficult for most of us.  My wife, Deedo, was the quintessential Christmas spirit.  We have a room in our small cabin that is year round Christmas.  There is a movie made in the early 1980's called "One Magic Christmas" with Mary Steenburgen.  There is a scene where a girl is walking through Santa's Workshop and discovers that it is not staffed by elves but by Christmas Angels.  That was Deedo's life long goal; to become one of Santa's helpers; and yes she believed in Santa every day of her life.  This year I'm giving myseelf permission to minimize Christmas; just a few decorations next to Deedo's cremains and one light in the window to encourage her to drop by for a visit.

Mary, your world will be upside down for quite some time. The suddeness of your loss has left you in a state of shock.  Couple that with the gaping hole in your heart and that is a tremendous amount of emotional turmoil to deal with.  I hope you come here frequently and feel compfortable in sharing.  You will find we all have the something in common: we would give anything not to be here but to be with our loved ones.  You will find empathy and compassion but most of all a true understanding of what you are going through.  Not everyone grieves the same way but you will find many posts that will resonate with you and most of all you will discover 1) you are not crazy although it does feel like it, and 2) there is hope.

[Gwenivere]

Mary, I very much echo what Brad said.  I did not lose my husband suddenly, but there are others that have that will understand that kind of shock.  I was a caregiver for 5 years and watched my husband leave this world slowly.  One thing I know for sure is that losing them starts a long journey we never wanted to take.  I am glad you found this safe place to express anything you feel, but also sorry you had to join this 'club'.  The members are fantastic tho.  

The holidays intensify any loss, but this is huge so it is normal to not want to participate.  It's impossible to feel the glee and fun others are when you are hurting so deeply.  I hope those around you are not pressuring you.  This is your journey and you do it any way that works for you.

[Mary T]

Well, thank you guys for responding.  It's just so hard.

[Kpl48]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thankfully you have found this site. I've been able to share my deepest feelings and thoughts about my grief over my husband's death one year plus ago. This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced in my 67 years. Don't live through it alone. Looking forward to reading your posts. 

[WolfsKat]

Welcome, Mary.....although I wish you did not have to be here!  As the others have said, this is a "safe" place to speak of anything you wish, express any emotion you wish.....compassionate, caring people to be found.  And, it helps.....so, welcome.

[kevin]

Mary T, deepest condolences........."This is the hardest thing I have ever experienced"........was a term KP148 used, I find repeated over and over again by all of us. I find it so strange that I have never felt anything near this sickening over my first six decades of living. Either I have been shielded, lucky or just not paying attention to this part of life. Whatever, sure was appreciative of this board ,because I definitely  thought I lost my sanity , but through the generous sharing of this board, it helped me understand the complex issue of Grief.......This is a life long Journey, trick is, be prepared for Life.

[Margm]

I visited the cementery yesterday in Billy's little hometown. His family's graves were bare.  I have his cremaines with us.  He rides with me.  I will go buy flowers today for the six bare stones.  My grandmother said not to put silk flowers on her grave. I will be putting silk ones on Billy's relatives.  On my way back into Arkansas after Christmas, at the north end of the parish, I will do the same for my relatives.

I still have not met up with my old friends Magic, Mystical, Imagination, but I have seen Faith close enough to wave at it.  

New Widow, I joined you 8 weeks ago.  It is a rough and painful row to hoe.

[kayc]

Mary, I am so sorry.  Of course you don't feel like shopping for Christmas!  You have my permission to cancel it if you want to!

I, too, am 63.  Welcome to this forum, I hope you'll continue to come here and be part of our group.  It helps to have a safe place to come to and even vent when needed.  Hear you will know you are heard and understood and cared about.

[corgigurl]

 

 

I was searching online grief forums and found this one.

 

I met my husband in high school.  We went to rival Catholic high schools.  There was a dance in the gym at his school and I attended the event.  I knew the very moment we met that he was the “one.”   I don’t know how or why exactly.  I just knew.  After returning home that evening when  the dance was over, I actually wrote in a diary that I kept,  that I had just met the man I was going to marry.  He was different.  He was better than most boys.  He seemed so kind and respectful (a rare quality back then.)  It also didn’t hurt that I thought that he was sooo very good looking.  He thought the same of me and that was that. That was about forty-three years ago and the rest as they say “is history.”   I waited about twenty years before telling him that story.  We laughed.

 

I lost him this past November.  I woke up and he did not... He was dead... In our bed.  Not only am I barely a functioning human being currently, but I will never get the image of him lying there.  His shell. I don’t know exactly what time he actually died.  He had been gone a while.

 

We truly were soul mates.  It was as if we shared one brain between us. We would say that we had the Vulcan mind meld.   We knew what the other was going to say before we even opened our mouths.  It was incredible.  We shared sooo much and he is absolutely everywhere.  How could he not be with all of our history?  He had such a love of music.  Our whole family shared that love.  He knew everything about everything and everybody  regarding music.  I can’t listen to the radio without tears flowing.  Especially certain songs.  If the television is on, it inevitably has something on that will bring on a flood of memories.  I can’t get through a single day without sobbing a million times.  I have lived with pain for a very long time now.  Several things happened throughout our marriage that would have split most couples up.  Doctors had told us this.  Instead it made up stronger.  I never knew what I should say to someone if they had just lost a loved one.  There was a reason for that.  Nothing can be said.  You try to be polite if someone says one of the usual euphemisms, but you want to scream...or hit them.  How can it ever get better?  I have lost my partner in this life.  We were supposed to grow old together.  We had plans.  We hadn’t enjoyed any retirement yet.  I feel so very alone.

 

I have three children.  Two daughters currently living one state over and my son.  My girls are in their early twenties and my son is only seventeen.  He won’t even have his Papa at his high school graduation.  All my kids still need their Papa.  They didn’t have him anywhere near enough.  My girls have become physically ill and the depression and anxiety isn’t helping.  My son puts on a brave face and persona, but I know what he is really feeling.  I see him crying.  What am I going to do.  I have a list a mile long and can’t seem to be able to get anything done.  Getting out of bed is a chore.

I thank God for my faith.  I know why we are here and I know that the time we have on this planet is fleeting.  Without faith, this whole earthly existence would be for naught.  I do believe all of what I just stated, and yet the grief is swallowing me up.  At this juncture I cannot imagine a day when the pain would not overwhelm me, but will pray that the day will come.

[Guest Janka]

Dear Corgigurl,

it´s a great relief that I´m not the one who is so thankful for the faith in God,because it is the only one thing that keeps me alive,that gives me the reason for going on until I meet my beloved man Jan again,as one,for eternity!I also lost him so suddenly,from morning till night.He wasn´t ailing or ill.It were the doctors who killed him,so fatal error of them and he could be alive now.My beloved Jan was,is and will be my best,the most beautiful and only one forever.Your post touched my heart so much and I´m very sorry for your loss!I´d like to be your support and comfort too.Please,take care!One day we´ll meet our loved ones again.

With love Janka

 

[iPraiseHim]

Thank you for sharing your life story.  a little over one year ago, I came home from work and found my wife dead.  You can read the initial posts to get more detail. Death is bad enough, but sudden death is such a shock to our system.  Just reading your story brings me back to that  day. I wish I could relieve you of that pain because I know how bad it feels.  The deep grief we feel is because we loved so deeply. 

This discussion group has helped me so much because I am allowed to express my thoughts and feelings, without judgments. Although, each of our stories are unique and individual, there is still a core pattern.  I would encourage you to come back often.  Read several posts and even go back to the initial posts as it will help you to understand that you are not alone. I will be praying for you daily.  Shalom 

[Margm]

Dear Corgigurl:  I know this is said everytime, but welcome to this club none of us wanted to join.  I had 10 more years than you, but it does not matter if it was six months or 100 years, we have lost a part of ourselves that cannot be replaced.  We don't want to go on living either, and from the first, everyone told me to flush down Billy's 50 morphine pills that are left.  I won't do anything though.  At first I made a stupid plan to drive down one of these forest roads, take the pills with me and walk way out in the woods.  I did not want my kids to see my face, the death mask that we cannot get out of our mind.  I thought I had months left with Billy, but I woke up leaning on his hospital bed and it was all too much for his body to handle.  You can read my guilt trip somewhere else, I just won't think of it tonight.  What I do want to say, is we are all going down the same path.  Some of us have such terrible anger with God, and some of us had rather leave him out of the equation.  An example, today the minister came to see my Alzheimer's mother.  My daughter had her in the bathroom, trying to clean her up.  The minister left and reported he could not get anyone to come to the door.  Well, of course not, my daughter was cleaning up her grandmother.  This is hospice care and if they cannot get in touch with anyone they report it.  My daughter is a spitfire anyhow.  She let him know how the cow ate cabbage.  She told him just to quit coming, my mama is nearly 95 and does not even know he is there.  My daughter said, "quit coming, I'm an atheist."  She is not an atheist, but she was angry at him and  sometimes we get angry with God.  Some of us don't want to enter God into their grief.  Some believe, some don't.  We just find our faith where we can.  We find our solace where we can.  I am still searching for mine and will not be on any straight path until I find it.  That is just me.  I will discuss it, but others don't want to.  It does not help them.  It helps me.  It does not bring Billy back.  Nothing will.  Yours is November.  Mine is October.  I will hate autumn the rest of my short natural life.  All I can do is wish you some remnant of peace.  People try, but no one knows what to say.  Because of my age, I have many, many former coworkers and classmates that have walked this path.  They tell me it will get easier, but like you, I just wish I could talk to him once more.  Some things I want to tell him I am sorry about.  But, that man, forgave me some really bad things that I did.  I forgave him a time or two also.  I have dreamed and he was in them.  I also have reached on his side of the bed and the bellyflop feeling when he is not there.  I used to say "your gone and will never come back."  My friend, who lost her husband in December of 2014, told me emphatically to never do that again.  To reach over on his side of the bed and tell him how much you love him and he will be with you always.  I started doing that and just  that one small thing made me feel better.  Signing his name between my first and last  name makes me feel better too.  I will never leave his name off a gift or card because it was his money also that helped buy it. I'm sorry.  I seem to say the same things over and over again.  And, your memory will not be great either, so remember to put your glasses, keys, and things you have to use back in the same old place each time you have to put them down.  Losing things makes me go into a tizzy.  I will shut-up now.  Anyhow, we are here and we all hurt.  Misery does not love company, but you have it with us anyhow.  I wish you peace.

'

[kayc]

I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, but I'm glad you found your way here.  It really helps to know there are others that understand some of what you're going through, and this is a good safe place to be.

I feel the same way, I don't know what I'd do if I didn't have the hope of knowing my George and I will be together again, next time never to part.

[corgigurl]

Thank you all or being so kind and welcoming.  This grief is all consuming and finding my way to others that are feeling the same thing feels very good.  I never even got to say good-bye to Mike.  The last words I spoke to him were "turn over."  I hate myself for that.  I wish I could make myself do so many things that desperately need doing.  It is hard getting out of bed.  I have issues myself that I don't really feel like getting into right now but I have always had Mike here to help me.  I wasn't there to reciprocate as we got older.  Thank you for sharing all your stories.  I would love to hang around.  I am happy that I found this forum.   Thanks again.  

[Margm]

Our last words resonate forever.  Mine were anger for his beautiful hands held out to me in submission.  He was giving up.  He knew he had to.  I was angry.  That was not the miracle he had helped me with, it was not fair to me..............but, in the end it was not fair to him.  I have to forgive myself.  I hope one day I can.  I know you feel the same way.  When I woke up next to his bed, leaning on it, he was gone.  No!!!!!!!!!!!!!  It could not have happened, this was not my miracle.  So, I got angry with God for allowing people to be so callous they would take God out of the chapels at the state hospitals and turn Methodist ministers into everyman's minister, how could they do this.  I had rather put out a cup and beg on the corner of Market Street, Broadway, Rodeo Drive.  Becoming everyman's minister, every religion's minister took my anger too.  It was like the doctor's taking the oath to do no harm, what a joke.  Yep, I am still bitter, angry, guilty. Spring is coming on.  Summer will soon be here.  Maybe the ice around our hearts will melt some.  My friends swear it will be easier.   They are all good Christian ladies, surely they would not lie to me.

I slept in our bed last night for the first time in a month.  No dreams, no nightmares.  Slept from about 1:00 a.m. till 9:00 a.m.  I'll take that.

[corgigurl]

Marg, I get it.  I thew out our bed.  I could never sleep in it again.

 

[Margm]

Isn't it strange how different everyone is.  I understand you 100%.  Billy did not die in our bed, or it would be gone.  But he died (and I hate that word) in the state of Arkansas, the state we fell in love with, the beautiful rivers, streams, giant hills, the colors, the roads that we walked and never saw a car.  The things we loved.  Now, I have to get rid of those things.  WE loved them.  I have to get rid of reminders, but of course I cannot get rid of my kids or grandkids.  Life is a mess of contradictions for us.  What gives one comfort terrorizes the other.  I understand.  I wish I didn't.

[corgigurl]

Do you have to move?  Does it need to be now?  I don't know what I will do for sure yet.  It is all very complicated.  Eventually I will talk about all of it.  I am in Phoenix currently.  When Mike was close to retiring out of the navy we tried to get closer to home (San Diego.)  Since everyone wants to go to San Diego and the fact that the billets are few meant that we would at least try to get closer to the west coast.  They were going to send us to San Francisco but pay for living there did not match the cost of living yet and we would not be able to afford to live there.  We settled on Phoenix.  He became the commanding officer of the naval and Marine Corps reserve center here.  When he finally retired, we decided to stick around for the kids.  They were in good schools and I wasn't sure what they would be thrown into in San Diego.  I sold my lovely home a mile from the ocean to a broker (so many things in my past that I would love to have a do-over on.)  I lost a lot of money on the deal, but we didn't have to worry about carrying two mortgages anymore with the future uncertain.  I absolutely hate the heat here.  I will never get used to it.  I do love this home.  I couldn't get anything close to this in San Diego. Our hearts were always in San Diego because it is where we grew up and met etc. but it is not the same place anymore.  Not even close.  Besides my son, I have no one here.  My dad (a horrible human being.  I drew the short straw twice when it came to parental units) says he is leaving me a tiny little house (unless he has changed his mind.  He hasn't spoken to me since shortly after Mike died) in a not so great but ok neighborhood and it is paid for and worth over 300k.  The issue is that he won't treat his kids equally.  I am last on the totem pole.  Again, don't feel like embellishing right now.  I will probably be needing to take my son out there to take advantage of veteran college programs in San Diego.  AZ has nothing.  So I will most likely at least be spending a lot of time there.  I actually wish I could be here and take care of things.  There is so much to do and not enough time to get it done.  I can't make any permanent decisions right now.

 

[Margm]

We had bought the new RV last March.  We did not know he was sick.  We were leaving Arkansas.  We were going to stay a while in Louisiana, our home state, to help take care of my mom.  She will be 95 in June.  I do think she will outlive us all.  She has Alzheimer's and is a two year old now, not potty trained yet.  Actually, she is a much nicer person than the one I grew up with.  Yep, broke a commandment right there.  Louisiana was and still is home.  Cost of living is fine.  I will rent an apartment and carry this note too.  And, everyone is aghast at me, no, I don't want anything for it.  I just want away.  I don't care if I could get money for it, I don't want to wait, I just want away.  No, I will not regret it later on.  I will be where we were born, grew up, graduated, married, and all the rest.  We moved when we gave up RVing after retirement to get our son to a small art town so he could get off drugs.  That was a success, so do not regret that.  I have the feeling that my choices in Arkansas was what killed him.  I should have known.  He was so consumed with cancer it only took five weeks.  He also had a brain aneurysm.  He was going to twice yearly checkups.  They let him fall through the cracks, and so did I..  I have typed discharge summaries, H&P's, operations, clinics and every symptom imaginable to man for 43 years and I could not see something was wrong with my own husband.  Oh, what the heck, every time I write this crap I just beat the heck out of myself.  I think somewhere down the line I will quit.  So will you.  And, you will decide where you want to go.  I have been living back in Louisiana and that is where all my former coworkers, classmates, and friends live and 95% of them are widows so I listen to them a lot.  They tell me it will get easier.  Not better, but easier.  They are good Christian ladies, I don't think they would lie to me.  

[iheartm]

19 hours ago, Marg M said:

She let him know how the cow ate cabbage.

Sorry, but this made me crack up. Never heard it before...

Welcome Corgigurl to the grief pit. My last words to my husband were "I'll be right back" so I know how you feel. He died in December after a sudden onset of illness. The shock was unbearable. It still is. All I could think about at work today was coming home and spending the entire weekend lying on the couch in tears. I want him back so badly. We have no kids and I don't have a close family at all so what used to be the two of us is only me now and it's absolutely horrible. We were homebodies that liked to go out to dinner on occasion. Otherwise, we just hung out together and were perfectly content and happy with that. Now all I have are pictures on the wall, memories and this huge pit in my stomach that just misses him so terribly.

[Margm]

I know a lot of times my family gets in my way, but I have got to say, I am so happy to have them.  I know they depend on me and I will have to try to wean them off, but I do have family and lots of friends that were former neighbors, classmates, coworkers, cousins, just friends for life.  I have lost the most important person in my life, but he said the one left must stay.  Gotta do that and count my blessings while I can.  I know how hard it must be on everyone.  I am so sorry.  I should not even complain.  But, I do miss him so much.  I am a selfish person, I'm afraid.

[Gin]

Today it seemed that everything I did used to involve Al.  I went to the Post Office and then the gas station, both things I always went with Al.  Then the health club, again always with Al.  Visited a friend in a nursing home after stopping to get us sundaes.  Always with Al.  Ordered a dinner for take out from our favorite restaurant.  Our favorite waitress waited on me.  It is hard to think it will ever get better.  Now I am safe in my house to be alone all night.   I used to have Al and was never alone.

[iheartm]

You should complain. You should be selfish. I am and proud to say it. M was my life. I love my friends but they are not him. I want him back. I don't want substitutions. I don't want to develop new interests just because he is not here anymore. Maybe as time goes by, my mind will change and adjust but that has to be an organic event and certainly not something that I try to force into happening. I don't think that would do any good at all.

Hang in there Marg. Just "do" and "be" what YOU need.

[iheartm]

Gin: I am sitting alone at home thinking the exact same thing. I had such a bad week of missing my M. Everywhere I go, everything I do, he was a part of for 25 years. That's gone now and everything just seems so wrong.