Resurgence and Anger

[kevin]

Remember, the Fear and Anger emotions, are early Stages  of Grief........once we get the Anger under control, we can continue on with the process, which we all know is a journey with no End.....

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

I just realized that I sounded rather doom and gloomy but then I remembered it's Sunday and that is the other half of the weekend when the distractions are gone and I can slip into that funk. But the bright spot is and will always be that it is less than before and will be less in the future.

The weekends are the same for me.  I can count on a nose dive starting late Friday thru Sunday night.  A park buddy stopped by so her and my dogs could play, but had to leave for an anniversary dinner reservation with her partner.  I think weekends make me more aware of the loneliness.  

I'll just have to hope you are right it will be less doom and gloom.  

[Gwenivere]

But what about the fear, Kevin?  That is very strong too.

[kevin]

Anger is a symptom of Fear....You overcome Fear by addressing it, and this can be done gradually. But it must be addressed not avoided. Easier said than done, but step 1 is acknowledging and identifying  you have a Fear, next steps will be gradually confronting the Fear.....

[Gwenivere]

I'm intensely aware of the fear.  I haven't yet figured out a way to get a handle on it.  Each day brings a new challenge.  I don't think I've ever been so afraid in my life.  I'm exhausted from it and frustrated too.  It's been so long since I felt safe.  Relaxed.  I almost prefer anger because I'm not paralyzed by it.

[kevin]

Its after 3 am, do you have this feeling of Fear in your own home?......This may be anxiety and very treatable. I had shingles once and suffered from panic or anxiety attacks for 4-6 months.  What your describing don't appear to be normal Grief symptoms after two years.  Were you like this before your TIA's?.......... 

[kayc]

Gwen,

When I was going through my last marriage (he never lived with me but used to visit me on the weekends), he started being a "no show" on Fridays...at first he'd call me Fridays mid-afternoon and give me some lame excuse, then he quit calling and just started not showing up.  I have always had GAD but my anxiety would kick in full bore as Friday afternoons would approach.  I finally went to the doctor and he put me on Buspirone (Buspar).  Actually, he gave me Valium, which I didn't want because of it's addictive nature and it made me too sleepy to do my work, let alone commute, so I researched it and TOLD him I wanted Buspirone because it is in a different & safe class of its own and didn't cause sleepiness and wouldn't make me a zombie.  I didn't want overkill, I just wanted to be closer to normal, at least take the edge off so it'd be more manageable.  I will stay on this the rest of my life!  I'm not hit with anxiety in the daytime much anymore, but nighttimes, so I take low dose in the morning, twice as much before going to bed.  It works for me, but I want to suggest you read about the different medicines on line and talk to your doctor about it.  It's not fun to live with anxiety all the time!  It could be that weekends hit you harder because you view that as your time together and you don't like facing it alone.  That's just a possibility.

[hollowheart]

19 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Steve took care of all those things like fences, computers, everything I had no interest or desire to take on. 

This is how it was with my sister. There were things that she wanted to take the time to figure out and we reaped the rewards of having it taken care of. She was also very smart and would point out things that me and my ma were clueless on, so there is that panic that we are doing the wrong thing and out there without a net. Not to mention more falls on me to help my parents.

This in turn is where my anger turns to fear and panic. I'm the only one left and I'm horrible at decisions and figuring things out. I always went to her to ask her what to do, now it's just me. I will be the one left with elderly parents and what to do about them. I am just not that kind of person, I just don't know what to do in certain situations. I also worry about being taken advantage of, or doing the wrong thing. It's terrible.

[hollowheart]

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 I think weekends make me more aware of the loneliness.  

Same here. And now that I have a car I'm even more aware that she is not there in the passenger seat like she should be! And I get angry and want to just thrash something with a pipe.  I hate that I can't look forward to the weekends and holidays and days off like I used too.

For some reason I got on facebook yesterday for like 15 seconds and I saw my friends busy posts about what they were up to over the weekend and I was reminded why I had to cut out FB. To see my so called "friends" posting about their lives while they forgot all about me was to much. I am so sick of this existence.

[Guest]

HH-

Reading your posts I am impressed with you.  Personally, I think you tend to be far to hard on yourself.  Your intelligence is apparent to me if not to you.  You are figuring things out; that I believe.  I hope that you can find a way to see yourself as others see you.  I see you as being very competent.

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, hollowheart said:

 I was reminded why I had to cut out FB. To see my so called "friends" posting about their lives while they forgot all about me was to much. I am so sick of this existence.

HH, I have never done social media, so I don't know how 'close' one can feel to people there.  

People go on with thier lives because they are not suffering our loss.  It took me time to accept this because they were supportive in the beginning.  That is normal.  I can't get resentful that they dont understand something they can't.  I am not a part of thier 24/7 life.  Nor they mine.  It's not so much they have forgotten, it often comes up when I run into someone we knew.  I realized I was carrying too much expectation from others that wasn't fair to them.  I think back to times others I knew lost someone and I didn't forget, but I had my life to live.  I'm not saying it doesn't hurt sometimes, but we are alone in this.  That we have a place like this to come to is a godsend.  Since all I can think about is my loss, it would be hard on people to hear about it all the time that are not feeling that.  I think about what I would want them to do and there really is nothing.  I find when I talk to them I often feel more empty because we can't connect on this situation.  It's hard, I know.

[brat#2]

That is so true, Gwen.  It took me time also to realize that others can carry on with their lives and don't want to hear about my sorrow.  This has been a great place for me to come to and get the understanding that I need at this time.  Thank you to all of you.

Joyce

[Gwenivere]

Kay and Kevin, I have panic disorder.   Been dealing with it for almost 30 years.  I've been on medication for it about that long.  Xanax and an antidepressant.  The intensity of this loss has pushed the disorder to its limits and beyond.  Have upped meds and am still having attacks.  Odd thing was they were about nil while Steve was sick.  But it has been almost 7 years of stress.  Also trying to adjust to living alone after 37 years of a partner.  

Last year I was driven by anger.  It was a strong motivator to get thru all the legal details and priojects hat needed to be done from neglect due to the illness.  Now I have entered a phase of fear, not just the panic fear, the fear that happens when you really get it that you are alone.  The TIA changed me to see how alone I am now, but I was feeling that before it happened.  No one here to help if I need it.  So, yes, that has changed me in many ways.  Kinda put the seal of reality on this.  Even more so than other med conditions that have flared since his death.  I went from his crisis to my own without a break.

Im coming up on 15 months without him.  I ditched time tables a long time ago about where I should be.  

I appreciate both your replies.  If I didn't have the panic disorder (or GAD like you, Kay), this would be easier.  Normal fear as opposed to irrational fear would be enough.  Put them together and it's a bad mix.  

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, Brad said:

HH-

Reading your posts I am impressed with you.  Personally, I think you tend to be far to hard on yourself.  Your intelligence is apparent to me if not to you.  You are figuring things out; that I believe.  I hope that you can find a way to see yourself as others see you.  I see you as being very competent.

Thank you so much Brad! I appreciate that more than you know. I guess I am forging ahead, even though I don't want too. I think it's just my personality. I consider myself a follower and actually kinda liked that role, so to have to figure things out on my own is not something I want to do. I feel like I can, but I prefer to have advice and someone to help me make decisions. It feels safer and I think it does help me make better choices. I"m also a worrier and I am always worrying about doing something wrong or making the wrong choice and decision, which is probably why I still feel so much guilt over all this. I made the wrong decision and the one person that I needed to help me needed me to help them. *sigh*

Anyway, thank you again. I appreciate your kind words.

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

HH, I have never done social media, so I don't know how 'close' one can feel to people there.  

People go on with thier lives because they are not suffering our loss.  It took me time to accept this because they were supportive in the beginning.  That is normal.  I can't get resentful that they dont understand something they can't.  I am not a part of thier 24/7 life.  Nor they mine.  It's not so much they have forgotten, it often comes up when I run into someone we knew.  I realized I was carrying too much expectation from others that wasn't fair to them.  I think back to times others I knew lost someone and I didn't forget, but I had my life to live.  I'm not saying it doesn't hurt sometimes, but we are alone in this.  That we have a place like this to come to is a godsend.  Since all I can think about is my loss, it would be hard on people to hear about it all the time that are not feeling that.  I think about what I would want them to do and there really is nothing.  I find when I talk to them I often feel more empty because we can't connect on this situation.  It's hard, I know.

Gwen, I agree with everything you just said. I think that I think about how I talked to some of these people on a daily basis, multiple times a day before this, and now tumbleweeds are blowing through town. So it's hurtful that they dont' want to be around in case my grief rubs off on them.

I have one person who I talk to almost everyday, we talk or text and it not always about my suffering. It's about her and what she is doing, it's about work, the weather, life. And it's nice. But you are right I'm carrying to much expectation. I see that this one friend is the only one brave enough to talk to me without fear.

[kevin]

I've reached out individually but still haven't come to an understanding of this message.......it is worth sharing if its

• One of the natural laws that runs the World is that when you focus on what you don't want in your life, you actually block out what you do want , from entering .

   

  What you invest your attention in will grow in your life. Focus on what you don't want & you will get more of it!!!

   

  This makes total sense!!!

correct........or profound

[Guest]

Kevin -

I think this is similar to what C.S. Lewis was saying in his book "A Grief Observed":

“ I once read the sentence ‘I lay awake all night with toothache, thinking about toothache and about lying awake.’ That’s true to life. Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery’s shadow or reflection: the fact that you don’t merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief. Do these notes merely aggravate that side of it? Merely confirm the monotonous, tread-mill march of the mind round one subject? ”

Excerpt From: C.S. Lewis. “A Grief Observed.”

[kayc]

Kevin & Brad,

That really speaks to me, in fact, it could be life changing!  I need to consider this and remind myself of it often.

Gwen,

I'm sorry, to have Panic disorder to that extent is not easy to live with.  I hope your doctor can figure something out for you.  The only thing outside of medication that I can think of to help is meditation, I don't know if you've tried it, but we have a whole section on here with meditations, I've tried them and it helps, but it's kind of hard to get into at first, I'd start with short ones.  And I know it sounds crazy, even trivial, but so many people swear by aromatherapy.  I guess if I was having panic to this degree I'd probably try anything, what can it hurt?

[Gwenivere]

I wish  I could get into these alternative things.  Meditation is something I reallllllly need to try as I know it helps so many.  I also know it is hard to fight your mind because it will want to keep chattering at you.  You can't stop that, but learn to ignore it which would be great!

I see my doc Friday so we will go over how to try and manage the grief thru the miracles of chemistry.  

I did talk to my boss about that incident last Saturday at the nursing home and she said she would talk to the activity person about how everyone is treated and especially volunteers who are giving freely.  Also the obvious you don't berate a person in public.  Found out she is only temporary (yeah!) til the gal I like comes back in May.  

 

[Margm]

Gwen, I have a congenital tremor that gets worse the older I get.  During this explosion of panic attacks that Billy's death brought on, I get help from Xanax.  I do not abuse it. I never refill my medication ahead of time, that would be abuse and my insurance would turn it down.  My dad was terminal.  He knew it but would not take pain pills because they were addictive.  I don't know how long I have to live, but I know my time will be shorter without the Xanax.  My radiated colon rupture won't let me have many meds. but the Xanax calms it too.  In my estimation, it is a wonder drug.  So, I'm addicted.  I cannot swim either.  I had meditation on board,  I floated on that moist cloud over the blue lagoon.  I honestly was into it. Did I mention I cannot swim?  I do go to meditation with ear buds on my Kindle going to sleep each night (after I had my Xanax).

[Gwenivere]

Marg, the one thing I do know is Xanax is a lifesaver for me too.   So many worry about addiction, but I'll take that any day over an attack and afraid to step out my door.  A lot of people think they know what they are like, but if you never had one, you can't.  I truly believe I would not be here today without it.  The meds were made for this and I believe in using any tool to fight it.  I hear so many stories of preople having to endure pain and denied meds for the addiction factor.  As my doctor told me, his concern is function above all else.  What is the point of not being dependent on a med if you can't live your life?  

Its a personal decision.  I will never go back to have irrational fear rule my life.  Steve was in do much pain and terminal that at least the docs and hospice had the sense to see addiction was the least of his problems.