Resurgence and Anger

[andreaskye]

What propelled me to look for a support group/forum was what I had heard would happen, knew it could not be easy, but like everything in this whole grief ordeal, has been worse than I could have imagined. 
 The resurgence once I started to feel a bit more like myself.
 I still missed my Nick, still thought about him almost constantly but I was able to function. I did not cry the pain chest crushing sobs at the drop of a hat. I could focus on what was at hand. What is worse is I had experienced after a few weeks was this terrible anger. And it was not, in my head or heart, aimed at Nick but it manifested itself at just a couple of people close to me. And that I was able to let go of one morning out of the blue and although I expected the resurgence of the pain, I did not expect this anger to bubble back up. 
 On Saturday night, not only was I struck down by the gut wrenching pain out of the blue, the anger rose up as well. And it is all still going strong today. So much so I am back at barely being able to leave my room. Our room. Like it is all fresh, maybe even worse because I think the shock in the beginning numbs us so we can get through those first days. I am not numb. I wish I was. 
 Logically I know this will die down again. My heart and soul feels like it won't. But now I am even fearing the cycle repeating itself. Does that make sense? I have now added the fear of a possible continuous horrible cycle to compound the rest of the feelings. 
 It is all so much to swallow. And I hate this anger, and I snap at those closest to me. And I have a close friend, he was/is a mutual friend, and I am so passive aggressive and angered by him I have had to tell him to steer clear of me. And I hate that because he lost Nick too. And when I think of him now, I feel bad. But when he contacts me somehow I always get around to sniping him. 
 Has anyone else had this inexplicable anger? How did you handle or at least control it? Or did you?
 

[kayc]

I don't recall lashing out at people, but I think anger is common in grief.  I hope you're seeing a grief counselor that can help direct you through this as grief of this magnitude is just to great to maneuver on your own.  I think most of us here have seen one in addition to the other grief work we've done.

It's good to explain to the person that it's not them, but you're experiencing grief anger and to please forgive you if you're not always yourself, you don't mean to hurt anyone.  I know I became protective of myself and stood up for myself more after losing George.

[andreaskye]

3 minutes ago, kayc said:

I don't recall lashing out at people, but I think anger is common in grief.  I hope you're seeing a grief counselor that can help direct you through this as grief of this magnitude is just to great to maneuver on your own.  I think most of us here have seen one in addition to the other grief work we've done.

It's good to explain to the person that it's not them, but you're experiencing grief anger and to please forgive you if you're not always yourself, you don't mean to hurt anyone.  I know I became protective of myself and stood up for myself more after losing George.

Thank you KayC. I have told him, my family and others understand as well. And I do not ever mean to hurt anyone, in fact the whole facet of the anger is so out of character for me.
 I have always had the patience of an iron horse, in fact to where it did not serve me to be patient anymore, I would just sigh and keep my cool. 
 I have seen where people would say on these that they don't even know themselves anymore and a lot of times, I am right there with them.
 Perhaps a grief counselor would help. 

[KarenK]

Andrea,

I was filled with anger for about 2 years, I guess. Not at anyone close to me, but at the medical professionals that contributed to my husband's death. Losing my daughter a year after my husband added fuel to the fire as she had very poor Hospice care at the end.

The anger is useless. It serves no purpose, unless you are able to rectify what has caused it. Nothing can be done to bring back my family, so somewhere along the line, I let it go. There are much bigger problems to face as time progresses and anger just gets in the way. You may learn that you are hurting yourself more than those at whom your anger is directed.

Peace

[MartyT]

Dear Andrea, I hope you'll take some time to read a bit about what is normal (and therefore to be expected) in grief, as I think it will help you to feel less crazy and alone.

Grief of this magnitude can engender all sorts of feelings that may be unfamiliar to you. Such feelings aren't always rational or even justified. You really cannot control what you feel, but you CAN control what you DO with those feelings.

You might find this article helpful: Is Anger One of The Stages of Grief?

[brat#2]

Andrea, I understand and can relate to what you are saying.  I was very angry at the beginning of this journey also.  I wasn't angry at anyone specific, just angry with the situation and didn't handle it very well.  I finally had to let it go (not that I don't feel angry every once in awhile still) because it wasn't doing me any good to feel so mad all the time.  I know it is easier said than done, but hang in there and I wish you peace.

Joyce

[Guest]

Joyce and Andrea

I find my anger is not directed at individuals but instead I have noticed a significant increase in frustration while driving.  I used to be a rather mellow driver, now I am finding fault with all of the cretins on the road and my guess is that there are a great number of drivers who will willingly place me in that category.  I also have noticed that I get frustrated with dog owners who refuse to control their dogs, something that never bothered me before.  I'm assuming it is my anger finding its way to the surface.  

[andreaskye]

Thank you all. And I will read the links Marty. I am glad to know I am not the only one. And I am one of those people who want to analyze things to death so the anger, not having a clear source, is so confusing. And Lord knows I do not want to be around a lot of people but I sure do not want to alienate those I do. The only place where my patience has remained strong and unyielding is with my beautiful Grandson. He was 6 weeks when "Grandpa Nick" passed and he has saved my life. He can kick his little foot he is so mad (Yes at almost 5 months he kicks his cute little foot when mad.) and I will laugh. So thank God for that.
 Brad, yes, I find that as well in a different way. I used to be able to just ignore Political rants for the most part on Facebook and stuff. Now I am the first one to be so mad I am almost seeing red. I just realized that. 

[hollowheart]

I have lashed out at my mom multiple times since losing my sister and I know she knows that is where it is coming from. I understand about letting anger go, but it is easier said than done. I am very angry. I'm angry that I have to deal with this pain, I'm angry at my situation, not anyone in particular. I'm not angry at my sister, I"m just furious about the unfairness of the situation, that when I was working on changing my life, FINALLY bought a car for us that this is what freaking happens. I'm livid about all of that and will be forever.

She was also the one person I went to vent and let out my frustrations to and we talked all the time and sometimes laugh  and joke in the middle of the venting. That is what I am missing. If people think complaining is bad, oh well. I can't be one of those yellow smiley faces all day.  My mom has a lot of annoying habits and we used to vent to each other about it, now I'm just stuck with the annoying habits and no one to gripe to about it. Maybe some people don't complain or vent, but I need that. Now, when something frustrating happens I don't have anyone to call about it and it feels so lonely and isolating and not having a way to change that makes me angry. I get angry that everyone I know still has their loved one, their life has not changed and mine is destroyed. I'm just tired of being tired about it and that is upsetting.

You said you used to have the patience of an iron horse. Me too. It took a lot to make me angry, now it takes nothing. But again, it was because I had an outlet. I have not yet found a suitable outlet, so my anger is still always under the surface. Maybe you can find an outlet, something you can go to when you get angry.

[Cookie]

Andrea:  I also have anger come and go.  I get angry at my husband for leaving me with a house to maintain.  I was out doing yard work and found myself getting mad at him because of where he planted the boxwoods; they are hard to trim there.  Then I feel really bad; I'm not really angry at him, just angry that he's gone and not here doing these things with me.  I get impatient also.....it's hard to deal with when you also have other strong feelings happening...the crushing pain of loneliness, etc.  I think everyone experiences this, though.  Warmly, Cookie

[kayc]

Marty, that article is great!  I liked also what you said about we can't help how we FEEL but what we do with it.

[brat#2]

I am finding now instead of lashing out at people, I'm like a lot of you that have said, I get frustrated a lot easier than ever before.  I get impatient waiting for things, lines at a store, waiting on someone, and just last night the cable (which is my TV, phone and internet) went out for 3 hours and that about drove me crazy!  I used to be a very patient person (my husband was the one who would get inpatient very easy) but now I'm not.  Go figure.  It's been said before in other threads, I don't know who I am anymore.

Joyce

[hollowheart]

16 minutes ago, Cookie said:

I get impatient also.....it's hard to deal with when you also have other strong feelings happening...the crushing pain of loneliness, etc.

Yes, this is it. It's like it's easy to explain and hard to explain at the same time. Having an unfixable problem is very upsetting and frustrating and it's a very tragic and unbearable unfixable problem. It's not something just going home and watching a comedy will fix.

Just not being able to do anything about it will make me very angry. It's just everything. I will tell a co-worker I'm so tired and she will ask if I have any vacation days to take off and that will immediately make me sad, because I used to look forward to vacation days and sometimes plan them with my sis so we'd have days off together to do something. Now the days off are just another day to be sad and try to distract myself. It's like there is no escape sometimes.

[scba]

Dear Andrea, I am very sorry for your loss. This is a safe place to express your feelings and there is a very caring comunity. This forum is one of my tools to find peace, which is what I would like to achieve.

I lost my partner in 2014 after a surgery. We were together for short 5 years.

I lost a part of me and my heart forever. I'm trying to face being in this world without him as I knew. It is hard, it is painful, it is overwhelming. I was not angry, I was in rage in my early days and months. I was confused because I used to be patient, caring, understanding, smiley and all in a sudden I was not, and I even treated people on shops bad. That was not me at all! I couldn't be angry to my BF nor to doctors not to any specific person, and I was frustrated, so I directed my anger to God, to life, to the virus that killed him, to whatever invisible force was out there. I could not find anyone phisically visible to blame for my loss. Eventually I turn angry to myself for being naive, for being hopeful, for being blind. But Andrea, it is normal to feel this way and at the same time we must learn to let this anger go, the same with guilt, not sure how to but we must do cause it will take us nowhere and it will bring harm only to us and our already weak hearts.

Wish you peace.

[hollowheart]

3 hours ago, scba said:

 I was confused because I used to be patient, caring, understanding, smiley and all in a sudden I was not, and I even treated people on shops bad. That was not me at all!

I also find myself feeling very "whatever" about everything and everyone. So I'm angry and indifferent, and that is not me either. I used to be just like the person you said you were. Lately if I hear other tragedy I can't help but think "Who cares, I got my own problems." I used to be really sad hearing about someones horror story, now it only makes me think of my own.

I guess for me it's hard to open up an already broken heart.

 

 

[Gwenivere]

1 hour ago, hollowheart said:

I also find myself feeling very "whatever" about everything and everyone. So I'm angry and indifferent, and that is not me either. I used to be just like the person you said you were. Lately if I hear other tragedy I can't help but think "Who cares, I got my own problems." I used to be really sad hearing about someones horror story, now it only makes me think of my own.

I miss that part of me too.  I feel so desensitized to stuff on the news or someone I know on passing tells me.  It's not a who cares feeling, I just cannot summon anything that would help.  I am so depleted in my grief.  I have nothing to give.  I can share here as it is an interaction.  But hearing about tragedies on the news, I often feel nothing because there is nothing I can do or say.  I also would share my feelings with Steve so we could talk about it and he with me when something affected him.  My world is thus little vacuum now and I hope someday to regain that empathy towards a world I feel I inhabit.  That's the rub, I don't feel a kart if the world so it's problems are very alien to me right now.  I can pretend to care for social sake and do.  But it's rarely real.  Here I do connect tho.  Ding know what I would do without that!

[brat#2]

HH and Gwen, I feel that way too.  It really is hard to feel something for tragedies in the world, when you are going through your own tragedy.  When you don't have anyone to talk to about what is going on in the world, it makes it hard to be a part of it.  I'm assuming that some day we will eventually feel different about the world, but for now, we just need to try and feel about us.  You are so right, Gwen, about this forum though, it is a great place to connect and feel like you are being understood.

Joyce

[kevin]

I can relate to a bit of this...i set up my grief room where I could get emotional, and get most of it out of my system....The other outlet was exercise ...Whatever, it seemed to keep my emotions in check...Didn't cure anything ,but kept the Grief bursts manageable.....But I did direct Anger to the Man upstairs, mad at myself, and of course the Government...later the in-laws and the in-laws Lawyer......Think about it ,I had an Angry stretch for about a  few months....AndreaSkye, welcome, your feelings are not too abnormal according to my experiences

[hollowheart]

15 hours ago, brat#2 said:

 When you don't have anyone to talk to about what is going on in the world, it makes it hard to be a part of it.

This is a HUGE factor in it for me. Not only am I depleted by grief like Gwen, but the one person that I socialized with the most is gone. When the Boston Marathon bombing happened we were awe struck, all on the internet about it, watching it on TV, talking about it, feeling horrible about those who died or lost limbs for no reason at all. It was crazy and it was good to discuss it with someone who was just as interested and horrified as I was.

When I hear about someone dying now I think "I know just how their family feels" and that's all I can think about, I can't even just feel sadness for them. All I do is feel sadness for myself.

All I can do is think about how I felt "That Day" and it's not a good feeling. It's just an awful way to live. I hate that I lost myself, I lost who I was. I used to be funny and fun and helpful, and now I don't want to be bothered with anything anymore, I'm angry or just plain sad most, if not, all of the time. Ugh.

[andreaskye]

What a relief to see so many people echo my exact, if not exact very close, feelings and frustrations. 
I had this picture of the anger grieving brings as fist up in the air to the departed loved one, "Why did you leave me?!?" but for me I felt that, maybe just a touch, but nothing compared to just my intense anger at generally everything. It never crossed my mind that just when I felt so defenseless in my life, I would dare become an angry person. 
 Oh gosh, so much to say but not enough time. Case in point, right now, I am getting so irritated because I have to take my daughter somewhere, my Mom is texting me, I have to take out vegetables to an evening market, my dog is in the window growling,  and all I want to do is sit here in the dark. I just had to relax my jaw, it was clenched together so hard. I used to have would made a big sigh, and gotten right in the shower and gotten into the day.
 Because Nick would have been here at the desk where I am sitting and I would have made him coffee and some eggs and toast and then he would have said "Good luck at market tonight, Baby".

[hollowheart]

Andrea, I bet before you would have barrelled through all that, maybe a little irritated, but it would have been 'just another day'.

What makes me (and keeps me) angry on days like that is when there is no 'reward' at the end of all that.  My sister and I loved our movies, and we loved watching them together, especially horror.

I might have some errands: feed the birds, feed the stray cats we help, take out garbage, laundry, clean kitchen, vacuum, pay bills. THEN I'd head over to her apartment to relax, talk, hang out and watch a couple movies.

Now after all that there is nothing but sitting by myself trying for a distraction. What's the pay off? What's the reward? Nothing.

[scba]

I am going through the opposite, I pay too much attention to people or news about suffering and bad things. I dismiss good news or neutral ones like "oh they are doing fine, right". 

Dear HH, I too think and got angry about what is the reward. I don't have an answer. Maybe the concept of reward is false after all....

[Gwenivere]

2 hours ago, scba said:

Dear HH, I too think and got angry about what is the reward. I don't have an answer. Maybe the concept of reward is false after all....

I once said to my counselor....after all we went thru, this is my reward?  Then it hit me that that word didn't fit at all in this situation.  I feel angry and cheated.  I don't know what I expected to feel after having our life ripped away from us, but I knew it would not be reward.  If anything, I discovered the true definition of hell and torture.  I really prefer the imaginary versions I once had.

[hollowheart]

I feel angry and cheated too. Especially after getting a car. I can't tell you how long we talked about that. many, many years. This is definitely hell on earth. People tell me I'm doing well, and they are proud of my progress. Well, I have no choice. It's either this or blow my brains out. I don't say anything when they say that.

I don't feel proud for existing through each day in a cloud. Half the day I'm in my head pretending this reality does not exist. Is that something to be proud of? Sorry, just in a mood suddenly.

[scba]

I too feel angry and cheated. I had no idea what actually loosing him would be, it is hell, I can say I have seen hell.