new here

[Polly]

This is my first post here. My husband passed away suddenly almost 5 months ago. I should be in bed right now but I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I just don't know where I go from here.

 

[Patty65]

Dear Polly,

I just posted for the first time today too.  I know those moments in the middle of the night.  How crazy and unpredictable it is doesn't even come close.  My therapist tells me to just stay alive, that is all I have to do right now.  I hope you feel the love and support here.  I know I do.  Because the Alone feels like it will suffocate me.  Just sitting here looking at these pages, even if I can't read too much yet, helps me just stay alive.

Patty

[KarenK]

Welcome Polly and Patty, to our group. Although it is a place none of us wishes to be, you will find that we truly understand what you are feeling.

I lost my husband in May 2013 and my daughter in July 2014, both to cancer. The pain was unbearable. Most days now, I no longer slide down the "rabbit hole", however I will always carry a great sadness within me.

Polly, I think the only way to go is forward through the blinding pain on the hardest journey you will ever walk and as Patty said "just stay alive" whether it be hour by hour or minute by minute.

All of us here will walk beside each of you.

Karen

[BillT]

Polly,

I am so sorry to see that you have need to be here with the rest of us.  I can't say that there is anything to take the pain away, but here you are with others that share and feel the abyss that you are in.  I lost my sweetheart, the love of my life just seven weeks ago.  Searching for a reason to go on living and so far, failing.  The only positive that I have is that as each second, minute or hour goes by, I am that much closer to being with her.  For me too, there is no place to "go from here".  

Love and prayer to you Polly.

 

 

[Guest]

10 hours ago, Polly said:

 I should be in bed right now but I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm losing it. I feel like I just don't know where I go from here.

 

Polly -

Welcome.  I think most of us can relate to the feeling that insanity if full upon us, and in many respects it is.  I remember calling the social worker, who counseled my wife through her illness, in hysterics.  I simply could not stop crying and the only thing I knew for sure was the pain was so intense I wanted it to stop; at any cost.  Thank God for that wonderful lady. Not only did she start seeing me but she directed me to my psychiatrist, my support group and to here.  The support I have received has made a huge difference.  Granted the tears are a constant companion but there are things that you can try to help you through this.  

Where to go from here?  That is a question I am trying not to address.  Every time I do I end in a funk.  All I know, for me, all I can do right now is try to make it through each day one moment at a time.  After nearly eight months some days are better than others which is an improvement from all days are horrible.  I am grateful for the slight reprieves.

Once more welcome and I hope you find the love, caring, and support I have found here.  I think the world everyone.

[kayc]

Polly,

Welcome to this site, you have just found your lifesaver...at least it was that way for me, and for many others here.  We will walk this journey with you if you want us to.  This is a safe place to come to where you are heard and understood and we "get it".  You are still fairly new in your grief journey, although I'm sure it seems like a lifetime ago, but that is to say, it can take a long time to fully process all of the changes that have come into your life.  Try not to expect too much for yourself.  I'm nearly 11 years out but not a day goes by without missing my George, he's always on my mind and in my heart.  Death does not destroy our love for each other.  I consider this the faith part of our relationship, him and I continuing our love based on faith instead of sight, and knowing we'll be together again.  Until we are, I continue missing him!

Try to take care of yourself, eat healthy, try to get sleep, you might need the doctor to prescribe a sleep aid for this time period, Trazadone is a good one, low dose/non-addictive.  (Higher doses are used to treat depression.)  Understand that what we feel SEEMS like depression, but is actually a normal part of grief.  We've just had our world shaken up, it's natural to not feel terrific about it!

It helps to voice yourself, through blogging, journaling, posting here, expression through art, music, however you get it out, it's good to do so.

PS  I have a sister named Polly.  You're the only other Polly I've "met".   Pretty name!

[brat#2]

Polly

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband.  I totally understand of not knowing where to go from here, I'm a little over 8 months now and I still don't know where to go from here and to know who I am now.  Just try your best to take one day at a time, take care of yourself and this is a great place to start the process.  Since I've been on this site, it has calmed me down a lot and helped so much to know that I'm not alone, that my feelings are understood and that they are "normal", that I'm not going insane.  I miss Dale every minute of every day and I cry everyday for what I've lost, but coming here and letting my feelings out, has helped in cutting down the amount of crying.  It has been wonderful to get the love, support and caring that I have gotten from everyone here.  Welcome and take care.

Joyce

[hollowheart]

Polly, I'm so sorry you have to be here, and I'm sorry  I can't offer better advice than to take it one day at a time. It's excruciating, I know. I will have moments of just wanting to burst inside from the pain. Know that you can come here for consoling, venting, reading, etc. I use this place to voice my frustrations and anger and it helps to get it out instead of keep it in where it drives me crazy.

I hope you find us helpful.

[Polly]

Thanks to all of you. I ended up leaving work about half way through my shift today. I don't think I slept much at all last night. My breakdown just came out of no where last night. I'm really glad I came here. I have tried to talk to a few friends and they really just don't get what I'm going through.

[Guest]

Polly-

People really don't understand unless they are going through it.  I know people who have lost spouses but because their relationship was not what I had with Deedo even they don't get it.  Here are those who were blessed with such love that the pain is that much greater.  I have found a direct relationship between the amount of sleep I get and my ability to cope the next day.  Fatigue really does tend to amplify the sadness and emptiness.  Breakdowns do come out of nowhere.  I had one last night when I looked at the full moon.  Wham!  That was all it took.

[Patty65]

44 minutes ago, Brad said:

 I know people who have lost spouses but because their relationship was not what I had with Deedo even they don't get it.  

Here I am at the business. So numb and dead. But I so fear I am like that, that I'm betraying Ron. That I didn't love him enough to be so dead inside sometimes. Everyone tells me he wanted me to keep the business going, actually he told me. Before he even knew he was sick he said "If anything happens to me, you could run Maui Pasta by yourself".  I was like, "No way". But when I go numb I so beat myself up. How do you keep the anger from building up at yourself?  I just don't know.

Patty

[brat#2]

Patty - feeling numb, especially this early into your journey, is normal.  You are not betraying Ron, we all have gone through that numb and dead inside feeling, I think it's our mind trying to defend off the pain.  It is difficult not to be angry with yourself or anything else for that matter, but just remember to not beat yourself up too much over the anger (I know, easier said then done).  I wish I could give you better advise how to get through this, but just writing your feelings and getting acknowledgement that you are not the only one that feels way really helps.

Joyce

[Guest]

Patty-

The numbness is the minds way of processing such horrendous emotions a little at a time.  Your numbness is not betraying Ron, it is protecting you.  I remember very little of August through October of last year except that I could not function.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I couldn't talk with anyone; all I could do was walk and walk and walk.  
There will be anger, mine tends to arise when I am dealing with strangers.  With yourself, understand that everything you are doing and everything you have done was motivated by requited love and the best information you have/had.  Nothing you have done warrants anger, try becoming your best friend.  If your best friend did whatever is angering you; how would you respond to them?  Then respond to yourself the same way.  Much easier said than done.

[kayc]

Very well put, Brad.

[hollowheart]

4 hours ago, Brad said:

I have found a direct relationship between the amount of sleep I get and my ability to cope the next day.  Fatigue really does tend to amplify the sadness and emptiness.

You are so right. This happened to me last night. I think what I realized is when I used to have crazy nights (when my sis was still here) and I had sleepless nights, I could just go to bed earlier, have a more relaxed evening or something to help me get more rest and get myself straightened out. 

Now, I know that going to bed earlier or a nice hot shower will not make things better. I will still be grief stricken when I get out of the shower and she will still be gone. I think this reality wears me down mentally and makes me tired physically as well, combined with the sadness and emptiness. An endless loop.  I used to come home from work and shower and cook and clean. Now I can't even go through the mail. I literally have days of mail still with the rubberband around it the way the mail man left it.

 

 

[KATPILOT]

Brad you have touched upon a point explaining the anger and imagining our behavior and how we would respond to ourselves. It started me thinking about people in my past  who behaved so badly it angered me.  I learned early on this journey that we don't often know the whole story of why they are behaving so. Grief can affect behavior like nothing ever could. Sometimes a grief suffering soul employs a defense mechanism by acting nasty so they themselves become protected from truth that can cause them to come unglued. What if that random stranger acting badly had lost someone and couldn't cope?  When I joined this club, I started looking at people wondering if they might be sharing the same pain I was. 

Or they could just be jerks!

When you lost it just looking at that full moon, I did something like that too last Sunday. For me it was Orion. Kathy and I would always look up into the night sky at nine o'clock and see that most obvious constellation when we were apart. We knew we both would be watching him together at the same time at different places on the planet. It was almost like we were touching. Anyhow, we do have those moments don't we? When I turn out the lights in my bedroom those glow in the dark stars make up Orion on my ceiling now. My grandkids love it. Perhaps one day they will hear the rest of the story.

[KATPILOT]

Polly and Patty welcome to you both. When I couldn't sleep early on this grief's journey, I could come here and read and it helped a lot. You can go so far back in early posts and recognize similar behavior and experiences and you will come to realize that you are not alone. Never ever all alone. Your pain is shared and many of the veterans can help with suggestions.

I am so sorry for why you are here but glad you found your way. Always remember........."one day at a time".

[kevin]

Pat,Polly,and Bill.........what I found for the first couple of weeks is that I could function not to bad...My cognitive abilities were definitly were impaired and like Brad explained the numbness set in. I asked a therapist about that and they used the word 'Shock".......One important thing is to learning to live on your own without your better half keeping you on track.....This works both ways......someone to tell you about health concerns or personal changes, keeping/reminding you of appointments, setting meal structures(setting meal times),etc......... and remember two heads are better than one, anyway we are all back to one.......... always the best Kevin