Death Brought Me Life

[JJ660]

My boyfriend and I knew each other 3 years. We had a wonderful relationship, and had just returned from an amazing international vacation. He was looking forward to being the best man in his brother's wedding and possibly deploying again in the near future.

I found out I was pregnant before he passed. He was so supportive and said "We will get through this" and he held me all night. The last text I sent him was that I had an ultrasound this week or next to find out exactly how far along I was.

Unfortunately, that Thursday he was found dressed for work in his bed with a tank of gas next to him. The medical examiner wanted to rule it a suicide, but we believe it was an accident since he had not been depressed or anything like that. Anyone who talked to him that week said he was pleasant and happy. He had even just submitted his military orders.

I just keep going back in my mind blaming myself and questioning "Why?!"

The crazy part of all of this is that I was much further along than originally quoted by my doctors. I had the baby just 2 days before his funeral, even though she wasn't due for another month. Fortunately, she is happy, healthy, and looks like her dad. 

I'm still in shock over all of this, and would love any insight or advice for coping.

[mittam99]

I am so sorry for the tragedy that has brought you to our community. You have my sincere condolences.

First of all, I'm so glad your baby is healthy. I can only imagine the mixed emotions you must have. I lost my wife Tammy a little over a year ago. She was my whole world and truthfully, I will never be the same. 

The only thing you can honestly do is take things one moment at a time. Then one day at a time. You are so early in your grief journey. You need your sleep and you need to eat well. It sounds basic but in grief we sometimes neglect the basics.

If you have supportive friends and family, that should help. Seeing a grief counselor is a good idea. Posting here about anything and everything will help.

I wish you and your baby well. 

Mitch

 

[kayc]

I hope the medical examiner listened to you and did NOT rule it a suicide.  Congratulations on the birth of your baby daughter!  I'm glad you have a little girl that looks like her daddy.  I am so sorry for both of you that you lost him so young.

It's common to wish we could have done something different, anything, to prevent their death, but we do the best we can with the knowledge we have at the time.  

Like Mitch said, take a day at a time, staying in the present helps, looking too far into the future can bring on anxiety we don't need.  Take good care of yourself and your baby girl.  Accept help from those that offer and ask for help if nothing is offered, we all need it.  I hope you're seeing a grief counselor that can help you work your way through this.  Even just posting here helps as well as reading other's posts so you can know what you're feeling is normal and you're not alone.

[Margm]

JJ, I think that is one thing we all do.  We feel guilty because of something we think we should have done.  It is six months for me and I have to numb-down often to get the last sight of Billy out of my mind.  I just want the magical feeling of being able to talk to him and I am blocking everything out.  Maybe we do that to keep from hurting so bad because if it hurt any worse, well, we just could not take it.  I am so glad you have your baby girl that looks like her father.  I know you wish he was with you both.  So, you will have to write down all about him so that she can read about him as she grows up.  I am sorry you had to come to our forum, but this is a group of people that hurt but are willing to reach out and help, even while they hurt.  We are here for you.

[Sherbear512]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can imagine the shock you are feeling, especially with all of the questions surrounding the situation. I feel for you so much but at the same time I want to say congratulations on the birth of your baby. I'm happy for you that you have a piece of him to carry with you. I know it's very hard but take care of your physical needs right now and take it a day at a time. I know you will be told that a lot, but reading it over and over helps me to remind myself. Being one month into my journey of grief, I don't have a lot of experience, but the things that have helped me so far are leaning on my family to take care of me, even when I want to be alone- they stay at arms-length and have been keeping me going. I have started seeing a grief counselor weekly who is helping immensely to sort through the roller coaster of emotions, and right now I focus on achieving one thing a day. Every day is different- some feel ok, some are horrible and I cannot get out of bed. I have learned to accept that my emotions are pretty much out of my control right now. I take advantage of the good days to get things done, but allow myself the bad days to grieve. Be patient with yourself and know that the people in this forum are here to provide support on the days you need it.

[Clematis]

I am so sorry that you lost him, and it being mysterious would make it really awful because you have no clear answers about what happened. I think you would have had some idea if he was suicidal. But feeling guilty and wondering if you could have done something different-well I think it is universal. I just recently lost my dad after a long struggle with Parkinson's disease. I took really good care of him; I took better care of him and anyone who knew us would have said that there was nothing more I could have done, but I couldn't stop asking myself and wondering. What if I had don't this or done that? And the platitudes ("well, it was his time", "well he had a long life", etc) irritate me. We all wonder "what if" but it doesn't mean there is any  good answer to that. 

Take care of yourself and be really careful whatever you are doing, because grief makes one really absent-minded. Staying busy can be really helpful in the beginning, and with a new baby you will be. Grief counselors are really helpful, and this forum is wonderful; these loving people have helped me SO much.

[JJ660]

Thank you all for the support and compassion.

 

I am having a Rollercoaster ride of emotions. Yesterday I was very angry with him, and today I am a bit more calm. It ebbs and flows, and I'm learning to ride the wave. 

I've received a ton of support, especially from his parents. We have a lot of matters to handle regarding his death, but I hope to see a grief counselor soon. All of these big life changes at once are overwhelming to say the least!

[brat#2]

JJ - I want to welcome you to this caring place and I am so sorry for your loss.  We know the emotional rollercoaster ride that you are taking and will be taking and we are all here for you.  It's good that you are getting a lot of support as you will need that help through this and hopefully you will be able to find a grief counselor that will help also.  Just like everyone else said, take is one moment at time, take care of yourself and keep posting, we are here for you.

Joyce

 

[kayc]

JJ,

Sometimes I think grief has a way of going it's path and we're just along for the ride.  A day at a time.  Just remember, everything doesn't need done today, do what you feel you can and try not to worry unduly about the rest.  As Mitch said earlier, this isn't a race.  Take good care of yourself.

[Patty65]

The most and only legal thing I've done is take Ron off my health insurance (i haven't mentioned that I teach at the local college 3-4 classes per semester in order to have health insurance from the college).  That's the only thing i have done, since it saves money and i'm so worried about my daughter making it through her last year of college next year.   I know things will catch up with me eventually, but I honestly don't care. I probably will when they hit, but right now there is not an iota of energy left for anything like that.

[JJ660]

I completely feel that way. I'm taking things a day at a time and trying to stay strong. I'm really hoping I can see a grief counselor this week. I'm having ups, downs, and everything in between. I find that getting out of the house helps tremendously, but my mind always wanders to the "what-if" scenarios that become an endless cycle.

[Guest]

JJ -

I recommend you also look into Hospice of the Valley in your area.  They should have many grief support groups with schedules that should fit with your's.  Mine met twice a month and they really helped pull me through the first several months.  

What-ifs are inevitable but I found, for me, that they also provided little solace and were more destructive than helping.  As difficult as it is you need to understand that there was little, if anything, that you could have done regardless of the events leading to his death.  Everything you did, you did with love, compassion and caring.

[Margm]

10 minutes ago, Brad said:

 there was little, if anything, that you could have done regardless of the events leading to his death.

Billy's oncologist said to the both of us "shoulda, woulda, coulda" and just those words made me angry because they were so  true.  And, you feel so helpless after they are gone, but when they are with us we think we are strong enough to pull off a miracle.  Even to the very last minute.  Terrible misconception on my part.  But to the ones who wake up in the morning and their mate is gone, had not even been sick.  Nothing we can do.  Cannot second guess gone. 

 

52 minutes ago, JJ660 said:

"what-if" scenarios

I don't have these as often now JJ, but I sure did think it a lot in the last six months. And I beat myself up thinking I should have seen something.  I didn't.  After he was diagnosed I noticed things.  But, "what if"......... I'll bet we all have had them too.  I know your circumstances are different, but your grief is the same intolerable pain.  My heart is with you.  

[kevin]

JJ, my deepest condolences...This is an unfortunate event and not a suicide in my mind. As a father , I can recall the emotion I felt when I was given the news of my first child. It was Joyous....I feel good the inlaws are helping you out during this trying time...Stay healthy and eat well, babies and grief will sap your strength.....kevin 

[JJ660]

Thank you all. Unfortunately, I never heard back from the grief counselor I contacted. I'm going to have to reach out to another. 

We're still battling legal matters and preparing some documentation for the ME's office. Based on all the information and interviews, he was happy and planning his future. We still don't believe this was suicide. 

[Guest]

Look into Hospice of the Valley.

[MartyT]

According to your profile page, JJ, I see that you're not in Hospice of the Valley's catchment area (Phoenix metropolitan area and Maricopa County, Arizona) ~ but Brad's suggestion of contacting one or more of the hospice organizations that serve your geographic area should lead you to whatever bereavement services are available in your own community. See Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You, and be sure to scroll down to see How to Find Grief Support in Your Own Community as well as the Related Articles listed at the base.

[JJ660]

Thank you so much for those resources. I will research them today. 

We have discovered a little more information about the case, including how happy he was and was planning his future with the military.

There was nothing abnormal in his search history, and apparently the tank he had used had been switched off, which would tell me this wasn't suicide. We think he was just experimenting and it went terribly wrong.

[kayc]

JJ,

I would find that welcome news, although bittersweet.  I hope you are able to find a good grief counselor.