Missing Him

[Margm]

I very much mind getting rid of anything of Billy's.  But as far as moving it, we both were masters of forgetfulness, we never knew where we had put anything and the most horrible words we said to each other were "do you remember where......"  That struck horror in both of our hearts, so moving something does not bother me.  He never knew where he put it last anyhow.  

[iPraiseHim]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

"I wish" we had never sized up after getting "off the road."  I like what my mom said "If wishes were horses, beggars would ride."  I live what my mother-in-law said "wish in one hand and s_ _ t in the other and see which one fills up the fastest."  Crude, but true.  The difference between life before Billy left and life now. 

I have heard this phrase from my Dad, all of my life. 

[Froggie4635]

There are certain items that belonged to Mark that I want to give to his brothers (he has 5).  Mostly it is his camping stuff, fishing stuff, and his tools.  Much of it was things he had/did before we met.  I guess I don't have a personal feeling about them.  I do know that he would not want these things to sit idle...he would want them used.  And I could NEVER sell anything that belonged to him.  There is one thing that belongs to him that is not yet in this house...his piano.  It is at his mom's house and I will not feel peace until it is here.  I have asked his brother twice to see how we could get it here, but they are all so busy with their lives.  I want it to be his final resting place; the place where his ashes sit.  He loved tinkering on it...playing bits of pieces of music he knew.  I am not normally a patient person, and I don't like to ask numerous times for someone to help with something.  I am probably going to have to hire someone to move it here.  Then that gets into making sure his mom is going to be okay with someone coming in and doing that.  I told Mark we should have it moved here when we bought this house.  I haven't done anything with his shower either.  Everything is still as it was the last time he used it.

I know I need to make a will, but that is where the problem comes.  I have no children.  I have a nephew, but my brother is not interested in being an active part of my life.  Mark had a big family, but they aren't MY family.  There isn't anyone that I know that would be interested in any of my belongings, or this house.  The only thing I have done was make a verbal agreement with a close friend that if anything happens to me, that he find a home for my fur babes.  Most times your executor is your children or close kin.  I know it is something that I need to do.  If I lived in an apartment, I wouldn't care.

[Margm]

Maryann.  I thought I had gotten over the roughest parts.  Now, I am in the small bedroom and a big box filled with sacks ordered from Amazon and all the fishing outlets he belonged to, hunting places.  When I get to Minden, we know some fellows that wrote for the fishing report and sporting news for the papers.  (Real newspapers).  I am putting all this stuff in a big plastic bucket with lid and I will let them come go through the bits and pieces of coyote calls, crow calls (he made his own calls), and he even has some from the duck commando's on TV.  And, no I do not watch Phil Robertson.  Gonna think on this hard.  Billy loved for us to go out on these deserted roads after dark and call "critters."  To me "critters" sounds like little things but what I heard coming through those woods sounded more like Bigfoot or the Boggy Creek Monster.  I sat in the truck with the windows rolled up.  He would call these things up and didn't even take a gun with him or anything.  Those "critters" expected a meal.  I did that a few times in Louisiana but the monsters/critters up here in these mountains sounded more sincere than those in Louisiana.  Anyhow, there will be an opportunity to give them away.  Definitely no money changing hands.  Billy would not have stood for that.  It was not a hobby if you sold it.  His only brother is gone and unfortunately only a few of his coworkers and friends are left.  Damn, we are old.  Okay, I am depressed.

[Gwenivere]

Maryann, we faced the same issues when we did our wills.  No kids and nephews and nieces on his side had never been appreciative of gifts in the past, it was expected.  So we decided to have our entire estate donated to charities that meant a lot to us.  Steve did will his babies, guitars and a bass, to close friends.  I have my drawings and sentimental jewelry going to my dearest friend.   Everything else will be sold and 50 percent to his choice and 50 to mine.  We even put in if any family disputed it they could have a dollar.  The dogs have a trust for their care with someone we trust.  Made it very simple and we felt better knowing thing were going to where it will be needed and appreciated.

[Gwenivere]

Tonight is one of those nights I am so keenly aware Steve is not here.  I always know it, but sometimes it hits so hard.  I'm not doing anything differently, but me and the houses mood are so charged with glaring absence.  Maybe because it is our date night, that I have been sick for almost 2 weeks.....I don't know.  All I know was just was a harder day than most and I've had lots of days alone.  I don't  know why he popped into my mind so urgently.   I know the relentless low fever had beaten me down.  

I just want a night without the inner darkness.  It's a new Saturday Night Live night.  Why can't he be here to laugh or say how incredibly stupid that skit was?      

[kayc]

Gwen,

That sounds like a very well thought out will.  

I'm sorry you've been so sick, and for so long.  That does affect how we feel/cope, etc.  I just read this post and am sorry last night hit so hard, it does that sometimes, even as long as it's been for me.  That's the thing people don't get is "why are you still going through this", because it never ends.  I still love him, still miss him.

[Margm]

Gwen, I have to take my temperature all the time.  I can feel it when the fever comes on and it stays low grade and I will sweat it off.  Because of the sepsis I had with the colon rupture and the makeshift surgery the surgeon did on me to keep from doing a colostomy, I have to be extra careful.  I am at risk for even antibiotics as they bother the colon also.  So, I fight to stay out of the hospital.  I went many months with terrible pain and Billy faced my death.  I somehow never faced it.  But still, if the MiraLax every night does not have the desired results I will run a low grade temp in the evenings.  Knowing there is nothing they can do, I stay on alert anyhow.  The low grade temp sometimes makes me see things when I am on the edge of sleep.  Sometimes they are welcome, sometimes not.  And, I don't think the number of years or months our loved ones have been gone will ever stop our missing them.  I have repeated over and over my grandmother writing that after 18 years the pain was the same as on the first day, yet she outlived him nearly 30 years.  So, I guess the pain does not kill us, just makes us miserable forever.  When my friends say it gets easier, I now feel they mean that living gets easier, not the pain.  So we pay for the great love we had for them.  I hate the pain, but I would not have changed a thing (except some things I did that hurt him), and I would change those.  

I hope you feel better soon.  I wish there were words or some magic remedy that would help us.  I think there might be magic remedies, but they might be illegal right now.  And, after they wear off we are still left to hurt.  I don't think that will ever quit, we will just learn to live with it.  Like my temperature, I have lived over two years with it, and I fight it only because I cannot leave this mess for my kids to clean up.