Missing Him

[Froggie4635]

When I approached my workplace this morning, I saw something that is very bittersweet for me.  A little while back, the executive vice president here was celebrating his 60th birthday.  My old supervisor approached me to create a piece of art in his honor. It turned out really well and I was pleased.  Well, this morning, the blinds to his office were open and from the parking lot I could see the piece displayed.  Had it been Mark bringing me to work like he always did, he would have been beaming with pride.  Today is 17 months that he is gone, and there are times it is so hard to breathe.  The idea of not seeing him never walking through the door is a huge struggle.  Something that should make me feel pride in myself, brings tears.  I hope one day that tears won't be the first response to times like these.  Seventeen months sounds like a really long time, but it feels so short.

[Margm]

Seventeen years seems like a long time Maryann, 17 months is just a heartbeat away.  I wish I could offer magic, mystical, imaginative Angelic words that would lift our dark clouds, but I am afraid I am in danger of tear cloudbursts at any time myself.  We are all walking this slippery slope together, and hopefully words from others can help us hold on.  Hugs to you this morning.

[mittam99]

1 hour ago, Froggie4635 said:

I hope one day that tears won't be the first response to times like these.  Seventeen months sounds like a really long time, but it feels so short.

Maryann, whether the tears are your first response or not, they will always be there. And that's not always a bad thing. It's a testament to the life and the depth of love we shared with our partners. How lucky are we, to have had those moments that created those tears. Yes, it will always hurt but we will always have the joy in our heart that they brought us. - Mitch

[brat#2]

Maryann - I understand how you feel, 17 months is nothing compared to the life you had with Mark.  I know I will see something that I did that would have made Dale proud and I do the same thing, the tears come streaming down.  It is true what Mitch said about our tears show the depth of our love for our partners.  The best we can do is keep the hope that those moments will bring us some joy like they use to.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

Maryann, think about the word you used.  Months.  You send are are about equal and I know that this seemingly endless time is so painful, but the amount of it is in reality very short.  I know for me the longer it goes on, the worse it feels as it is longer I am away from him.  It was hard the first few months, but there were people hovering around in support.  Now they have moved on and I am alone (except here).  So I calculate his being gone so long and the fact that life has moved on while I am sitting on the side of the road watching.  

[Patty65]

I have cried more in the last 71 days than I have in my entire life -- combined.

[kayc]

That's not surprising...

[Gin]

Today is 7 months since I lost my husband. It is still so hard and everything reminds me of him.  I can't do so many things that we used to do.  I miss him so much and still do not find meaning in most activities.  I do not want to plant the garden, which we used to love doing.  Maybe next year,. Maybe not.

Gin

[kayc]

Gin, I didn't keep my husband's garden going, I tried that first summer, it rotted on the vine, I do not have a green thumb, obviously.  I do keep our hanging planters going, we had flowers all alone our 35' patio, it's up off the ground since it's on a hill.  I also keep our hummingbirds coming, we always enjoyed spending time out there, watching them and checking out our flowers.

[Gin]

Kay,. I might do some hanging flower baskets.  And maybe his favorite moon flowers.   No veggies.  And maybe none.  

[Guest]

2 hours ago, Patty65 said:

I have cried more in the last 71 days than I have in my entire life -- combined.

I've cried more today than in the past several months combined.  It gets better and then it doesn't.  280 days - don't know why just haven't been able to stop.  Also the first afternoon where all I did was lay in bed.  Beautiful 70° outside but I couldn't motivate myself to hike.

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, Brad said:

It gets better and then it doesn't... Beautiful 70° outside but I couldn't motivate myself to hike.

Brad, it's all part of the two steps forward - one step back - dance of grief.

On the positive side...

[Clematis]

It's been four months since I lost my best friend and constant companion-my dad. He had been going downhill from Parkinson's for more than the ten years that I looked after him and eventually cared for him quite a bit. I have really lost my whole family at this point, and am quite alone. So it's been four months and I am no longer falling, running over stuff with the car, and losing my credit/debit cards/purse/keys constantly. But I am still crying, and having this experience where I'm not sure if I'm crying, having allergies from spring pollen, still crying, or all of the above. I keep mascara in my purse now all the time in case I start leaking again

[Tspouse]

I know exactly how you feel...it's been 16 months for me! 

[scba]

10 hours ago, Clematis said:

It's been four months since I lost my best friend and constant companion-my dad. He had been going downhill from Parkinson's for more than the ten years that I looked after him and eventually cared for him quite a bit. I have really lost my whole family at this point, and am quite alone. So it's been four months and constantly. But I am still crying, and having this experience where I'm not sure if I'm crying, having allergies from spring pollen, still crying, or all of the above. I keep mascara in my purse now all the time in case I start leaking again

I gave up to mascara cause I tend to rub my eyes if I cry. No waterproof can resist, and that left me with a Panda look. I gave up to fancy and fashion. My make up case is fuĺl of colorful lipsticks I don't wear anymore. I wanted to through it all away, but I left that as a reminder of an era it is gone. The same with my bijoux case, full of earings, he loved me to wear them. I don't care anymore. Since that day I have been wearing sweat pants and tennis shoes, with a messy ponytail. I look like a schoolchild. My wardrobe is plenty of clothes I haven't touched for 19 months. Oh well....

[Margm]

I find it terribly liberating in this trying time to say to hell with makeup.  I realize a little red paint never hurt any old barn, but this old barn has decided to go back to the old wood look that people love.  I am not an old barn, and no one is taking pictures of me.  I saw a couple of family pictures lately and even my kids have started hiding them.  I look like I have had a stroke.  Maybe I have.  The point I am making is, Billy does not compliment me anymore and I don't have to look in mirrors.  Like I said, strangely liberating.  Well, I guess that should go under that post "looking for the positives."

[scba]

I now dont't want to be in pictures, that is why I offer to take them, or if they use the selfie stick, i place myself at the end of the group. I becape picture phobic. I think that in the last 19 months I am in 5 pictures. I cannot smile in shots. I straight my lips a little to resemble a smile. 

[brat#2]

Mitch and Brad - speaking of the two steps forward and one step back, well I had a major step back last night.  These triggers seem to get worse.  I don't know if any of you recall last May when the store Walgreens was running "red nose day" to help children?  Well that TV commercial came on last night, as they are running the campaign again and I just lost it.  Last year, Dale kept seeing those ads and kept saying he wanted one of the red noses.  So I finally bought him one and you would have thought I gave him the world, he was so happy and excited.  The following week, we had all kinds of doctor, oncology, outpatient hospital visits to make and he took and wore that red nose to every appointment, making all doctors, nurses and other patients laugh.  Even in all his pain and fear he loved to make people laugh.  I miss that so much, there isn't any laughter in my life now.  Of course, I miss everything about him, but his sense of humor was always right there and ready to go.  I've done nothing but cry since I saw that commercial last night, hopefully one day I will be able to remember that red nose (which of course I still have it)  with a smile instead of tears.

Joyce

 

[Clematis]

Oh Joyce, that is a wonderful memory! Dale sounds like he had a great sense of humor. Something about ir makes me think about my dad and how funny he could be; I got all teary when I read your post. I'm not sure he would have worn a red nose-he never lost that "Philadelphia lawyer" look (he did patent law), but had he been in a doctor's office and seen Dale with his red nose, he would have loved it and never stopped talking about it. I think he would have liked Dale.  

Over the time I cared for my dad he became a huge part of the structure of my life-and also of my life. I feel really lost without him and things that remind me of him make me cry-or nearly so. There have been a few times that some memory has made me feel-wistful more than crushed with grief. Maybe wistful is closer to a smile and is progress. Anyway, I have seen the red noses at Walgreens, and will think of Dale when I see them. Hang in there! -Laura

[brat#2]

Laura, thank you, I'm sure Dale would enjoy you thinking of him when you see those noses.  Wistful is a good explanation, some memories don't really bring a smile or tears, just a pleasant thought.  I know the feeling of being lost, but it (I Hope) will get better.

Joyce

 

[mittam99]

2 hours ago, brat#2 said:

... hopefully one day I will be able to remember that red nose (which of course I still have it)  with a smile instead of tears.

Joyce, I have the feeling that further in our grief journey those memories will still give us a mix of smiles and tears. I can't see it being any other way.

It's all a matter of dealing with the ebb and flow of our grief and somehow "adapting" to it. Our new life is all about enduring and evolving. Not the life we wanted, but it's all we have now.

[brat#2]

So true Mitch and I hope you are right.

Joyce

 

[Clematis]

To Marg and Ana and anyone else who cares about mascara, the trick is to not wear black. I'm not sure why, but I've found that if you wear a little blue or green or purple (I use Almay), it works better. When you start crying, the mascara gradually disappears without the "panda" effect. I also found that Burt's Bees Lip Shimmer (I like the Rhubarb) is inexpensive, is almost everywhere, and it, like the mascara, it doesn't make a mess; it just disappears. I keep wearing some makeup-especially at work-because when I wear nothing, people keep asking me things like, "You look different-did you cut your hair?" Me: "No, I'm not wearing makeup" Them: "No, i don't think it's that; it's something else." But I don't want to get into explaining myself or any of this. I'm just trying to get through each day without totally screwing things up. So I've just chosen to wear some stuff that I can count on to not end up all over my face. And then I just put it back on. Sometimes it's still on at the end of the day-hooray!

In the Jewish tradition, one covers up all the mirrors in the house of mourning for seven days. I thought about it when my dad died, but didn't do it. No one was coming to sit Shiva with me, and there would be no services within the house. I did, however wish all the mirrors within about a hundred miles could be covered up...Alas, this is not the case...

[Froggie4635]

Dear Ladies...

I haven't thought about doing anything to beautify myself since Mark and I met.  I would put make up on for special occasions, but for work it was mostly just lipstick (my lips get so chapped easily).  In the Houston heat and humidity, makeup has a way of working itself into places that are not very attractive.  I decided the last time I colored my hair was the LAST time I was going to do it.  I got myself a perm in February, simply so I wouldn't have to wash/style my hair as frequently.  Once the portion that still has old color on it gets cut off, I am hoping that the grey just takes over.  My very dark eyebrows are now constantly looking faded because of all the white hairs that grow there.  What I wear to work is not stylish; it is comfortable. I don't have to deal with the public.  I, too, like the Burt's Bees Shimmer.  It gives a little color and keeps my lips from chapping.  The last time I put make up on my face was for Mark's service.  Right now I want my outward appearance to reflect just what my inner world is feeling.  I don't think I am not worth the effort; I just don't feel I need to add color to the mask I wear.  Not too long before Mark died, I decided I wanted to be a redhead.  I had done it LONG ago, and it is a lot of upkeep, but I did it.  It was funny to look at him looking at me with red hair. He seemed really interested in being married to a redhead.  I can still remember him saying in his boisterous way, " I LIKE it."  I didn't do it for HIM, but he really liked it.  I know a lot of my attitude has to do with the weight I have put on since we got married, and now my non-interest in doing anything about it.  I can't put myself through any drastic change in how I am eating....so many times it is all that comforts me.  Finding anything that gives me comfort is tough.

[Guest]

Joyce,

Deedo bought two of those noses; one for each of us, but then in the chemo fog misplaced them.  I found them when I was cleaning out the apartment in September.  They were a symbol of not very happy times.