KATPILOT Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 It's a big ass island Patty. you can find places to be alone when you need to. There were times when I just had to walk out of the shop and just go. There comes a time when we reach that point. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 2 hours ago, Patty65 said: Are we allowed to scream here?? I've tried it Patty. The first few weeks I would get in the RV and scream into pillows. I was in such terrible pain, but the pain of screaming was bad too. It hurt my head so bad, but I tried it a couple of times more. So, if I am gonna live, and it looks like I am for a little while, I prefer to not have that physical pain. The mental pain is bad enough. Maybe if I was a younger age it might not hurt my head so bad. But, it didn't bring him back either, so I quit it. Total frustration. My heart is with you my friend. I understand. We keep getting stuff added on. Today was my daughter and granddaughter's birthday. My sister was worried she was having a heart attack. So, I spent the evening calling her. Of course she cannot leave Mama alone and go to the ER because I am in the big city. Finally she said she took two Alka-Seltzer and had relief of the chest pressure. She chain smokes and is 65. She has the care of my mother on her 24/7. Now, I am going to take a Xanax and put earbuds in my ears and listen to a new meditation app. Wish for miracles. I wish for miracles for us all. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 1 hour ago, Gwenivere said: You can scream here, Patty, but you need to switch to all caps. seriously tho, when those times come where EVERYTHING seems to go wrong, it's hard to maintain any sense of rationality. And you know what? We don't have to! Yes, Stephen, Ron worked for Blue Hawaiian Helicopters as their controller for a while when we were first married, and we took one of those flights -- this island is incredibly larger than you think. Rationality -- yeah, totally gone, oh the things I mutter all too loudly under my breath sometimes. I had explained the whole "situation" to the pasta equipment person, and yet today, he asked to speak to my husband about the rewiring. Right in front of everyone I had to "remind" him. I'm not happy with my lack of control, but it is what it is, and everyone has learned to let it be and wait for me to turn sane again, I guess. They better not hold their breaths. Does this loneliness grow? Man, it feels like it is growing into a monster, crushing me. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 45 minutes ago, Marg M said: Now, I am going to take a Xanax and put earbuds in my ears and listen to a new meditation app. Wish for miracles. I wish for miracles for us all. Let me know if the meditation app works. I finally managed to try it a few times and each time the result was very unpleasant. I saw violent, bright bolts of light in blackness -- all to assaulting and scary even when I tried to stick with it, it didn't change. I've never really meditated. Wishing for miracles for you that it helps, Marg! Patty 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Honestly Patty, when I had cancer I had just turned 40. We did not have apps, we had tapes. I bought three tapes from our LSU Bookstore on meditation, they were a set and back then $35 was a lot to pay for them. The kind of cancer I had made changes that were hard to put up with. Billy put up a hammock between two trees at the lake house. I would listen to them and I really, really got to where I could place myself on a cloud over a blue lagoon and imagine I could feel the tropical breezes never once thinking about falling out of that cloud into the blue lagoon and not being able to swim. We were taught to think of the good blood cells eating all the bad cancer cells like Pacman, which was popular back then. I tried this. I tried sitting on the bed and repeating a mantra and learned to lock the door because Billy thought it was terribly funny. I had panic attacks and was trying to cure myself. I also had a therapist, a psychiatrist I saw for a very long time. Being my age, you can be pretty sure if it is out there, I have tried it. But, nothing ever hit me like this. The cancer treatments and fear were a walk in the park compared to this. Again, my heart is with you. It is hard to give up something you love so much and we had to give them up. I do not know why. I guess we just cannot all live forever. I figure if my mom and dad had been married as long as Billy and I were, one of them would be in the loony bin somewhere, and I don't think it would have been Mama. We do what we have to do for ourselves, and like Steve said (I repeat a lot of what Steve says), sometimes you need the right tools for the job. Again, my heart is with you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 You've got that right Marg. Everything bad that ever happened in my life turns out to have been "a walk in the park". I'm so confused. All this time I was trying to mediate. I was supposed to meditate. I get it now! I need to listen more carefully to advice given me. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Patty, I'm sorry you had such a hard horrible day yesterday, I hope today is better. When people asked to talk to my husband after I'd TOLD them he was dead, I'd go off on them too! Just as well the employees were waiting for you to return to "sane" mode, maybe that meant they kept the hell away from you the rest of the day? At least as much as they could. I got a kick out of your description of your partner as "perky", I can understand how annoying that can feel when you are having such a hard time. You don't think you're strong but I don't think I could have handled all that you have and rewiring to boot?! Geez, I have a hard time putting the refill string in the weed-whacker! 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 3 hours ago, KATPILOT said: I'm so confused. All this time I was trying to mediate. I was supposed to meditate. I get it now! I need to listen more carefully to advice given me. Actually Steve, you mediate nicely. To meditate requires concentration. When I had cancer I could still think. Now, even though I write short stories on here, I cannot concentrate to meditate. It requires too much work, too much thinking. In the meantime, I will keep trying. My new app has a picture of calming waters. Someone started talking, my mind shut off immediately, so meditation helps me because it shuts out worrying thoughts. But, I was not meditating and subliminal messages have not reached my shut off brain, but the worries and useless thinking did stop. I got eight hours sleep. Katherine Hepburn used to sleep 14 hours a day. I used to like waking up. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfsKat Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Patty........you can come here, SCREAM as loudly you want, as long as you want! I've definitely, DEFINITELY found that "glitches', such as your new ravioli machine can set me off now, where I used to be able to take it in stride.......I just lack the capacity now! This is "normal", so I've learned here....but I admit, I keep on thinking I need to wear a badge, or something, stating that, if overly stressed, I can go from zero to screaming b*tch in 10 seconds (or less). I think we work so damn hard at appearing "normal again", and hiding all of the horrible grief we are experiencing, that it doesn't take much to break us down. And I'm about to ditch a "best" friend.......she really thinks I should be "over it"......"life goes on, blah, blah, blah"......the kicker was when she hinted (broadly) that her hubby (yeah, she still HAS hers) has a nice guy friend she'd like me to meet.....ACKKKKK!!!!!! Connor passed only 9 months ago, and I'm supposed to be happy she wants to "fix me up"???? I honestly think that many of our so-called friends are like this because we make THEM uncomfortable.....they want us to be their version of "OK" so they don't have to deal with us, the way we are now! I hope you got through the employee meeting.....and got a chance to decompress a bit? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 5 minutes ago, WolfsKat said: ..they want us to be their version of "OK" I think people that can be this thoughtless do not have a version of "OK." I think they just don't think, and after they say it they don't even remember saying it. They will not understand until it hits them. And, most likely, it will hit them at some point. I made a terrible remark to my friend when her husband passed nearly 20 years ago now. After I said it, I knew I had said the wrong thing. I did have a chance to apologize and she, being the wonderful woman that she is, she scoffed it off as nothing. I cannot believe I said that to her. A thinking person, they know when they have said something wrong. An unthinking person has not a clue. There really are people like that in this world that we meet every day. They are actually a dandelion that the wind can blow whichever way it blows, and then are no more. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Patty, "SCREAM AWAY". We will hear you and join in. You are truly so much stronger than you think with all that is on your plate. I couldn't even face the grocery store alone for months, much less attempt to run a business. Today is a tough day. Two years ago today, I lost my beautiful daughter. "POOF", she was gone. In my heart, she is still sitting on her front porch watching her horses as they cavort in the field. I went to the doctor yesterday. For 2 weeks, I have been suffering with a constant burning in my mouth, tongue, and throat. Sounds crazy, doesn't it? There is actually a malady called "Burning Mouth Syndrome" and even crazier, my doctor is familiar with it. It is hard to diagnose as there are no visual signs, but the pain and discomfort are real. Choose your cause. There are a multitude of them(including stress). There is no treatment or cure and it lasts as long as it wants. I have tried salt water rinses, mouthwash with slight pain killer and Chloraseptic lozenges, all with no relief, so have been taking Tramadol and drinking cold water which helps some. Doctor suggested taking Nexium for acid reflux(which I don't have), so will give it a try. I told him that I only come to see him for the weird $hit just to keep him from getting bored. He said Medicare really wants me to have a physical including Mammogram, Bone Density and a multitude of tests. I politely declined. I don't want to know if there is anything else wrong with me. Why "fix it if it ain't broke"? Trudging forward................ 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 I Karen, It is amazing how many things can go wrong with us! Hope it lets up soon. At least your doc knows about it. Gin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 16 hours ago, Patty65 said: Does this loneliness grow? Man, it feels like it is growing into a monster, crushing me. I can only speak for me, Patty, but I live under boulders of loneliness. Just when I think it can't get worse, simething will add another one. I find it most disparaging, so was reluctant to say anything. Mine was odd, tho. It didn't really start hitting so relentlessly til after the first year and at almost 21 months I'm getting worried about how consuming it is. Some makes sense. It is more time alone that has built up. I do things (not as much as I used to because of the loss and years of habitual sharing), but the voids are monumental at times. I've tried filling them with other things, but they don't feel right yet and I may have to tweak those if I can think of something else. It's so hard trying to create new routines when you were so satisfied with what you had. Everything else pales in comparison. It's flat, devoid of color, strange and out of place. There were so many things that went neglected when he was sick. I had a laundry list of projects. Now they are done and I sit and wonder, what the hell do I do now? I'd ask him because he always had ideas so I could do the legwork and he would oversee the project. Monster is a perfect description. Of all the things I feel, the loneliness is by far the worst. I've been watching the political campaigns and I just know we would be talking about this so much. I even get slammed after watching a show we loved because there is no one to discuss it with or go WOW! Never saw that coming. It's an insidious thing that creeps in and starts to coil around me like a boa constrictor. Sometimes it naps a bit and I can breathe. But for the most part, it's smothering. The days used to flow by, now they drag mercilessly. And yet outsiders still think that all this time means I should be getting used to it. That makes it hard too. A subject not talked about much now so that adds to the loneliness. I don't know what they think I do all night by myself. But....I am used to it. Yeah, right. Not. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Karen, so sorry about your daughter and today. ? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Karen, I am so sorry about your daughter. You get a double whammy and sometimes life just does not seem fair at all.. My heart is with you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Karen, Hope you get a little peace today. So horrible to lose your precious daughter and husband so close together. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marsha Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 Ah, the meditation thing. Am I too type A? Hell if I know - all I know is if I try traditional meditation, I can't do it. My mind won't freaking stop. I walk the beach, walk, walk, walk some more, sometimes talk aloud to myself (I try to do this when no one is around except for the seagulls). Sometimes it's just like AAAAHHH! Oh, yeah, I've done the screaming thing. Good thing I had no neighbors at the time - 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 27, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 I have the earbuds in my ears, almost immediately my brain shuts down. Voice still going in the ears. Hope I catch subliminal because otherwise no response. My two kids are bipolar. Both are vampires. Sleep days, awake at night. Says their minds won't shut down. Maybe plugging up my ears makes my mind shut down. (Might be the Xanax). You reckon? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted July 27, 2016 Report Share Posted July 27, 2016 I downloaded the meditation app Calm last night. I'll give it some time before judgement, so far not able. (((((((Karen)))))) Sending you white light to give you strength and help you burden such heart breaking pain. Gwen, we have always taped some political news comedies - and its so odd now - I have laughed I suppose on a rare occassion; but I just really watch like I'm outside of myself, and observe what it used to be, us watching together before bed, the half-hour comedic summary of the days' news all we had time for. Now the half hour goes by too fast with nothing else to really turn on that I can stand to take up the rest of the evening. Last night I found myself reaching over to his pillows and talking to him, feeling crazy. What really overwhelmed me was the disconnect in therapy. She has always understood and that helps with the loneliness. I hope that I can resolve that but I'm not sure I can.. Like a scrap of bread once a week to gobble up, my lonliness could abate for an hour a week. When I realized the disconnect, I went reeling and couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. It's just that so much of what I need to say and talk about -- I could ONLY do with him because of the trust, respect and love, you know? Patty 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 28, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 1 hour ago, Patty65 said: I downloaded the meditation app Calm last night. I have "Calm." I listened to it last night, or at least I started listening to it. These are all on my Kindle with earbuds. I cannot handle those things over my ears. I was a transcriptionist for nearly half a century so am used to all kinds of ear contraptions and always preferred the earbuds. It is a wonder I am not deaf. I have these others: Sleep Pillow, Sleep Well, Relax and Sleep, Relax Meditation and Calm.. I had others but there was one man and one woman that kinda got on my nerves. Maybe they were just "too cutesy." Now for white noises, Relax Meditation has noises you can mix, music, about 5-6 Kindle pages of noises. Even a hair dryer. I like the Native American music, drums, flute, etc. I don't remember much about "Calm" because I slept. Not ready to give up the Xanax. And, there is always Tylenol PM. They say that you can absorb this stuff even after you sleep but I think the amphetamines did something to my brain back in the early 1970's. (Prescription !!!!) and the residual speed built up a shell around the brain that stuff bounces off and falls out my ears, or goes down the spinal cord and the Myralax takes care of what was supposed to be absorbed. Anyhow, good luck with it. I really did learn how to do it one time, and that was after the 1970's, but this time the shell around my brain has fossilized. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 2 hours ago, Patty65 said: What really overwhelmed me was the disconnect in therapy. She has always understood and that helps with the loneliness. I hope that I can resolve that but I'm not sure I can.. Like a scrap of bread once a week to gobble up, my lonliness could abate for an hour a week. When I realized the disconnect, I went reeling and couldn't hear what she was saying anymore. Patty, I'm not sure what went awry between the two of you, but I'm so sorry this happened when you're feeling so overwhelmed, so alone and so lonely. Is it something you can share with us? Something we might help you sort through? You said earlier that your therapist is not getting what you are trying to say regarding spirituality and trying to find Ron. I'm not sure what that means, but I sincerely hope that when you meet with her again, you will discuss this with your therapist, in a concerted effort to resolve it. That one hour a week is for you right now like a life preserver in a choppy sea, and I'd hate for you to think you had to let go of it. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 4 hours ago, MartyT said: Is it something you can share with us? I can try except that I'm not holding together all to well tonight. I'm sorry if this turns out long, and I hope you don't all think I'm totally insane. After listening to some audio books, I thought I stumbled upon something that could give me a way to hold on. To find some purpose. To find a way to want to go on. To find a connection with Ron. Has to do with soulmates and the after life with them, and our time on earth and its meaning. I realize it may be an alternative way to think, it might be a pendulum swing of extreme thinking. But I'm pretty desperate now to find a way to convince myself to keep going, and in hearing it, I thought there was something in there that could help me hold on. But it is also causing problems - old problems - before-Ron problems of being wrong about everything I do and who I am, which I know stems from childhood issues that I had mostly resolved and then I moved on to my beautiful life with Ron. Anything I had not resolved didn't matter, I had Ron, and I could be at peace with all of it and my past in order to experience the joy I never thought I would be able to have. I let go. And so I wanted to talk to PJ (therapist) about it all - since she was the one who helped me resolve so much prior to meeting Ron. She made it possible that I could heal and open myself up enough to fall in love with him, and let myself be loved. But her beliefs about life, afterlife etc. are different. And when I started to haltingly try to talk about what was going on with me and what I listened to, I think she interpreted it as me questioning what I listened to, and she ended up saying something like "oh that's the one that believes that our lives are planned by our souls before we are born..." and she blew it off (it seemed), saying (or insinuating) that she didn't believe it and I didn't have to either. And she said that we all just don't know. And knowing I'm all about research, she started talking about me researching philosophies about life, afterlife, religion, etc. to explore what my beliefs are. It had all started a month ago when we were talking about consciousness after death, and the scientific research that has been done about it. She gave me the names of some books that she had used in her dissertation, or has read since. There was a focus in many on NDEs which were too painful for me to listen to since they talked so much about the moment of death, and the trauma of me experiencing every last hour and minute alone with Ron is still too fresh. So I started looking into books that looked at the topic from other POVs -- mediums was one, and the other was this "life between lives" -- the afterlife -- souls, soul groups, soul mates, and our eternal connection and life with them. As crazy as it may be, at least right now, I thought I could hold on in believing that, if I believe the author in terms of his scientifically approached case studies, which seem pretty sound to me. Then again, I'm probably crazy, myself. But if I could -- and with help I thought I might be able to -- believe that I will see him again, be with him again, incarnate with him again -- and if I believe that there is a purpose to me still being here, lessons I need to grow from, and connections and ways to help or be part of community here on earth still -- and ways I can find his love and care -- maybe I could go on. But there is a weight of wrongness and self blame and lack of caring for myself and my environment that now has the weight of the entire afterlife bearing down on me. eg. I'm doing everything wrong on a karmic, multi-dimensional level. I have soared to new heights of making myself wrong from a place inside me that I cannot reach or reason with. I don't want that. I know its from my past, and I know I need help with it if I want to survive this, because SO often I don't want to. PJ also wants me to go on medication; maybe it could help, but medication is dangerous for me to have around. I told her that I might be willing to try right now because I'm so desperate after saying no about it for months now, if I can find a way to manage having too many pills around. Sorry. I'm not suicidal now, but I can get very dissociated from my rational thinking and I need no easy solutions around late at night. My "wrongness" gets in the way of me speaking and PJ is a saint for trying to decipher me. So with the disconnect of her not believing the same afterlife philosophy as what I am currently believing to survive, I can't speak to her about it. Not "I won't" speak to her about it. I literally have verbal blocks to get any words out. And that is the disconnect. And so I plunged into despair that I lost the last person in my physical world that I can communicate with about survival (and of course, it's my fault, continuing the cycle). I swear, my brain is my own worst enemy. I need to address the "wrongness" which feels so "other" and I need to be able to share these crazy new ideas with someone who will go along on the ride with me, since that is the only way I can get the words out. PJ would if she knew, probably, but I don't know if it is too late because I know she doesn't believe the same and that is a big block in my wrongness and silence because I respect her so much. Its pretty out there so I get that philosophies wouldn't match. But it is a huge huge loss if I can't. One night when Ron was in Hospice and I had reached out to our community to help, our shop was changing so fast, and Ron knew none of what was going on there, his brain was too gone to be able to grasp any of it. One day, so distraught and exhausted, I rearranged the office because I could do nothing sitting at my desk, staring across at Ron's empty one, and yet I felt so guilty for moving his desk. That night, I was standing on a small balcony with our chef, a young man who knew Ron very well and was so close to him (he lives three doors down from us) and supportive (still is), and it was after we closed. I was in tears with guilt, and told him it's not like I couldn't move the desks back once Ron got better, and that even though things were changing, Ron could come in and totally be the manufacturing floor supervisor blah blah blah. The chef, 22 year old Kody, said "Yeah! And he could do this, and that..." and he just went on and on about everything Ron could do when he got back. I still believed I could save him in his two month downward spiral, but nobody else did - he was in Hospice after all. But Kody just went along with me, and BELIEVED me. I knew he probably didn't really believe me, but he was enthusiastic about my vision of Ron being back with me, and he just went with the fantasy. It made me SO HAPPY to have a companion in my false hope for those few minutes, and I am SO SO grateful he said what he said with a spark in his eyes as he envisoned the fantasy as if it were real. I need that now, but I could not adequately get that message to PJ, and so she could not go along with the "fantasy" or belief or whatever it is. And the silence that I get stuck in feels like it will swallow me whole. Thank you Marty for offering that I could write about it. If it is inappropriate for our forum, I'm so sorry. Patty 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 wait, where's the delete button?? : ( my post is for a childhood issues forum not a grief forum. I'm sorry. I thought there used to be a delete-your-own-post button. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 I disagree that it does not belong right here. It says a lot to where you are now Patty and a bit about why you feel as you do. First of all, no matter what has happened with your relationship with PJ, the door is not closed. I doubt it ever could be. I might say that you speak about how she disconnects having a different conception about life after death. Remember the fact is that you don't agree with her the same as her not agreeing with you. Everyone is entitled to their own belief but in spite of not being able to have that confidant to share your outlook, the help you can get from going could be worth that particular sacrifice. The pain and anguish you are going through right now is so powerful. I wish it wasn't but we do care. Please try to keep that in your pocket just for comfort like a little pill or something. If you believe you will see Ron again, you will. He's there. He always was yet death is forever. You're just paying your entry dues. Living on has got to be the hardest thing you've gone through since his death yet it gets better. It gets easier and there just has to be a reason we're still here. I liked the story of your young chef. I can see how it made you feel at the time. In fact your entire story give shape to your current place and so yes it belongs here. I hope you can find a way to meet again with PJ. Some conversation about how you feel would be important. It sounds like you have known her for some time and that is an advantage. While you may not find comfort in every area of your grief, she would accept your beliefs as your own even if that part of your connection can't be the way you wish it. However you proceed, my best wishes are with you. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 28, 2016 Report Share Posted July 28, 2016 I agree with Stephen, Patty, and I hope that by writing it here, it helped to clarify your thinking about this "disconnect" you're feeling with your therapist. (You might consider printing it out and sharing it with her in your next session ~ and adding to it beforehand, if you feel a need to expand upon and write more about it.) Examining who you were when you met and fell in love with Ron is a worthy exercise, and an important one, Patty, because it serves to clarify in your own mind just exactly what you lost when he died. That is an essential aspect of mourning, since it helps you to understand not only what your relationship meant to you, but also to identify and understand the emotions and reactions you are experiencing now. When you know what you're feeling and why, you're in a far better position to decide how best to deal with those emotions. What we believe about life and the afterlife is unique to each and every one of us, and grief of the magnitude you're experiencing with the death of your beloved Ron is forcing you to question and to examine those beliefs. That is a normal and important thing to do in grief ~ and there is nothing wrong with the fact that your personal beliefs are evolving and don't match those of your therapist. No one has THE answer to these spiritual beliefs, because there are things that we as mere humans simply cannot know. We can only go on what we choose to believe, based on our own experiences, and those beliefs will evolve over our lifetime. In the end, it's all a matter of faith. We are free to believe whatever we choose, and we can choose to believe that which brings us comfort and makes sense to us. That is what I wish for you. ♥ 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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