Margm Posted July 31, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 We "bank" with a credit union. They told me I would have to take his name off by a year's time. I did not question them, just disappointed. This credit union did not have a branch close so I started a new account with one that was in my town. Hated starting one in my name only. Lots of business I don't understand. The leasing of my house was sort of railroaded. I had mentioned I was going to put the property on the market. I did have people asking about it just by world of mouth. I knew the lawyer, had used her the year before so I trusted her, as much as I can trust a lawyer or politician. It is a three year lease. I have read it. My neighbor read it (she is the accountant) and approved it. I had a man come and want to buy the house the day I was leaving. I had already signed the lease agreement papers. We have five city lots to our property and he was wanting to build more houses. I have elderly neighbors that feel safe on that street, as well they should, and I just could not do that to them. I do not understand anything with numbers. Sometimes I think I won't live long enough to worry about them, and that is solace enough. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Oh, I've been there, too. When I was younger and Paul and I were going through a "rough patch", I'd wonder how my life would be if I was single and free to do whatever I wanted. Now, I don't want to have that kind of "freedom". I'd gladly be "bound" to Paul for decades to come and I feel like a fool for ever thinking otherwise. Also, when I was my young, more-militant self, whenever someone would call me Mrs. Paul or Mrs. Paulie (what the men he worked with on the FD called me), the feminist in me would ruse up and say, "You know, I have a first name. I'm more than just someone's wife!" Today, it wouldn't matter to me one bit if they called me that again. I call myself that now. I'm proud to be Paul's wife. On one hand, I feel like I was an immature idiot, not realizing what I had. On the other hand, however, I know that I truly appreciated and loved him. I would make it policy in our home that every day, we would tell each other how much we loved each other and even if we had a spat, we'd kiss goodnight. I knew then that you're never guaranteed the next day. Knowing it and actually living it, of course, are two very different things. I still thought we had so many years left together; I didn't really think we might not have tomorrow. I probably refused to think about it. I'm so glad you had a good time with your friends. If remarrying made a few of them happier, well, as you say, you can't begrudge them that. To each his own. About the bird feeding: I've had the same experience when I was feeding the birds and squirrels. Every now and then, I'd see a lone dove or cardinal (cardinals travel in pairs--if you see a red one, the brown female is usually around somewhere and vice versa) and I would wonder if the other was around and just hidden in the hedges or if they had lost their mate. I miss feeding them. I stopped doing that right after Paul's passing because I didn't want to spend extra money on the seed and peanuts. I might get back into it though, because I enjoyed ti so much and miss watching them all. Seeing them out there would brighten my day. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 I"m like you, Marg, I wouldn't want to sell my property either to someone who wanted to take that beautiful acreage and turn it into another development. Being a South Florida native, I have a natural disdain for many developers. I've watched Florida's natural beauty and rural areas become overrun with cookie cutter gated communities, highways, shopping centers, etc. It's an abomination and is seriously taxing our natural resources. Don't even get me started on the crime rates. Good thing you had already signed the rental papers. Perfect timing! Maybe Billy was intervening once again to make sure the wrong people didn't get their hands on your property! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Oh, forgot to mention---I had told you my reunion was being held down here over this past weekend, as well. Had a couple of friends from out of state, we've always called ourselves each other's "tribe". Last week in a phone call, they told me how much they wanted to stop by and see me while they were in town. They asked me if I was up to seeing them, because they knew I was not attending the reunion itself. I said I'd love a visit; they'd brighten my day. I felt so flattered that they'd want to take them time to pay me a visit amidst the festivities. They flew in last Thursday. It's late Sunday afternoon now and I never heard word one from them---not a call, not a text. Not even to say "We can't come by after all. We're so sorry." Guess my "tribe" shriveled up and I am again, as always, a Lone Wolf. Except for all of you. We're the tribe no one wants membership in, but we're here nonetheless. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 And that Terri, is precisely why I prefer dogs to most people. They are loyal, dependable, and ask for little in return. I am sorry that your "tribe" bailed on you. This "tribe" will not. I had also mentioned the former neighbors' son who called out of the blue to offer his condolences. He said his parents, who live in a small town near here would get in touch with me. That was weeks ago. No call, no letter, nothing. We had been close neighbors for years. She had babysat my son while I worked. Now I have become chopped liver, I guess. I never hold my breath for long. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 All too common, Terri. The only people that pester me now to get together are ones that don't want to talk about the grief so I turn them down. Most of those people that said 'whatever you need at any time'? Gone. But regardless of your loss, had it not even been, that was rude to not at least contact you. This is about them, not you. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Terri, that's horrible! I'm so sorry. Marg, I'm sorry you had to remove his name. My mom banked at Wells Fargo and didn't remove my dad's name until she put my brother on the account some 30 years later. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 I am so very glad that Al did not have to go thru this grief journey that we are all on. He was blind near the end and could not navigate even around the house that well, let alone going out. He would have had to go into some kind of nursing home or have a live in. Either way, he would not have been happy. He had no family in this area and no children. I am grateful that my health issues did not happen until after he died. At least I was able to take good care of him. Gin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Terri - I know all to well that scenario, but still I'm sorry that happened. I'm finding more and more that people are so inconsiderate anymore and I just don't understand it. Even though we don't live close to each other, this group will always be here for you. Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muggs138 Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Hello, Maybe some of you can give me some words of wisdom... I feel like I am going backwards with my grief. I am having the worst Anxiety and my depression is at an all time time. This week Aug 7th is my birthday and it is my first birthday without my husband. Also August 15th will be 1 year when he went into hospice and then on August 31th is his birthday. Then on Sept 16 it will be one year since he passed and I sunk so low and am having the worst time dealing knowing that all this dates are approaching. All I do is just cry and reminisce of just last year and even though they're precious memories, they kill me inside... Because I know we will never have that again. I just don't know how to get through this anymore, I feel like there is just no hope for me . I'm im such constant pain and sadness over his loss . I know we all are going through the same thing in some way or another so maybe some advice, anything would help ? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Thank you all for the commiseration. The strangest part is, they've never seemed that inconsiderate. This is why we remained friends for so many years. But, they did remind me of the reasons why high school wasn't really some of the best years of my life. I've never been the type that easily fit in anywhere. I've always marched to my own drummer, even when it meant exclusion from this group or that group. I'm used to entertaining myself rather than go out somewhere with people that only like me if I act like them. Paul didn't always find me an easy person to live with I'm sure, but he did love me for who I was and eventually was proud of the fact that I was like no other he'd ever met. Well, that's what he said at least! lol Yeah, I think what hurts the most is that I didn't think they were like other people who say things but never follow through. One of our firefighter friends, who passed away a month after Paul and with whom I had spoken only a couple of weeks prior, told me the very thing you're all saying. He himself had battled multiple myeloma for 13 years (they originally gave him 6 months) and he said that a lot of people are going to tell you they're there for you and whatever you need, just let them know. He said that they'd said that to him when he was first diagnosed. Then he dropped the bombshell, "The majority of those people are full of s*&t. I can count on one hand, the number of people who have been there to help me. Paul was one of them who was there whenever I needed him." He then went on to tel me that he wanted to let me know that, like Paul did for him, he was a phone call away if I needed anything. It was such a sweet gesture. I knew he was weak and had stopped his treatments but I was grateful for him saying that---especially what he said about Paul being such a help. It made me feel good to know how much he appreciated Paul. So, I'm not going to be too upset about this, because I've also discovered people who came through for me when I never expected it. One girl I was friends with in school and who now lives in Central Florida, came down to see her mom and said she was going to stop by to visit me. She said she really wanted to see me. I was shocked when she DID. We had a wonderful afternoon talking about all kinds of things and catching up. She and another good friend were the ones who, when they realized I was no longer on FB, kept pushing me to download the Words With Friends app on my iPad so we could stay in contact. I think they were genuinely worried about me and wanted to make sure they maintained some sort of connection. A third friend who lives out of state has been such a godsend and has called, emailed and texted me. She sent me a framed inspirational quote, as well. There have been great people who totally make up for the not-so-great, or should I say, the disappointments. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Muggs, I'm so sorry for your loss and sorry about everything you are going through. I have an anxiety disorder anyway and when my husband passed away, the anxiety rose. Now, it fluctuates along with the depression. It's like a see-saw. But, dates and anniversaries are naturally going to be major triggers. My Paul has been gone now for a little over nine months and it can still seem unreal to me sometimes that it really happened. I'm no expert, I'm going through it just as you are, but the only thing I can offer is that you aren't alone and you should do whatever YOU think will help you on those significant dates. We are here if you want to get on the forum that day and talk it out. My birthday came only 15 days after my husband died. He was never in hospice care because he went so suddenly. To be honest with you, I don't remember my birthday now---what I did or how I coped. I was still in such deep shock at that time. Who knows? Maybe this birthday in October will be the worse one for me because now, the numbness has worn off. Last January was the 34th anniversary of our first date, March was our 24th wedding anniversary and this past May was Paul's 68th birthday. I got through each of them by doing something (playing music from when we were first dating, lighting a candle in his honor) to pay tribute to him and to us, as a couple. I also got on here and talked with the tribe here. If you go online (You Tube is one place) and look for free grief meditations, you'll find many that help with the anxiety. I've been trying as much as possible to meditate. I don't do anything elaborate, I simply close my eyes and concentrate on my breath going in and out. I try to focus on slowing my breath down. It helps me more some days than others, but the key is to never stop trying. Many a sleepless night, it was the only thing that worked to get me to doze off again. These are only a few suggestions. I'm sure others have great ones, too. But, we do know how rough it is and we are all here for you. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 Muggs, I looked at your profile and my husband passed away in the very same hospital where your husband was in hospice care. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muggs138 Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 TerriL Yes, he was in a coma for exactly a month at that hospital. Everytime I drive by there I get so sick to my stomach 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muggs138 Posted July 31, 2016 Report Share Posted July 31, 2016 TerriL, I am so sorry for your loss as well. Thank you so much for taking the time and lending me some advice. I feel like I am going backwards in all this. We had the best relationship, so to me it just makes all these memories so painful, even though they should be happy. I just want them back so bad that I would do anything but there is nothing I can do. I am just stuck in this... i try to keep busy but my every thought is just him! maybe I will try to meditate like u suggested 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted August 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 2 hours ago, Muggs138 said: I know we all are going through the same thing in some way or another so maybe some advice, anything would help I wish I had some magic to make this all go away. I don't. Sometimes I can do what I call "numbing down." But, no matter what, the feelings return. August is my birthday too, but we never made big things of our birthdays or anniversaries. Billy the Kid liked getting presents but I was always "bah humbug" and never really cared to so we started buying something we wanted for ourselves and letting that be our present. I started doing this when I had to return what I bought him and let him pick out the kind of fishing equipment he wanted. Never hurt my feelings at all, but it just got easier to buy our own, but always a card and cake. So, just every day was special. And Christmas and anniversary have come and gone. I dread the whole month of October though as he passed away October 17, 2015, so we all are here for the same reason. One thing this forum does is show that we all hurt and occasionally we just talk about other things too. Sometimes I just let it all hang out and sometimes I cannot get out the words I want to say, but you have come to a good place. Everyone is at some stage of the same pain, some special day, and everyone understands. So say anything you want to. Sometimes I bleed gallons. Just join in. Misery does not love company, but girl you have lots of company so jump right in with us. Everyone understands anything you say because we have been there and are still trying to find our path. I had retired from the hospital where he passed away. Every time I went to the "big city" I had to pass by it. I never want to go to that city again. I moved away. We understand. I'm sorry you have to come here, but it is the best place for right now and also later. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 As usual, Marg summed it up perfectly. We have good days and we have gas days, but even when we're enjoying a laugh or talking about a movie or TV show, don't ever think for one moment that we aren't still in the worst pain of our lives. As sorry as we are that you're here, Muggs, you can talk freely about the pain and we get it. The truth is, I think we ALL feel like we're going backwards from time to time. At least I know I've felt that way. We also agreed that the reason we have such intense pain is because we were all married to the loves of our lives. Someone else on here once said that the people who didn't have the happiest of marriages aren't on here. Their grief isn't as deep and all-consuming as ours. This grief is the price we pay for having so much love and happiness with our spouses when they were here. It sucks to feel the way we do NOW but we really were so lucky to have had that kind of love. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 Hahaha!!! We have "gas" days? Sorry, I didn't mean to bring my personal issues into this. That should read: BAD days! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted August 1, 2016 Author Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 Okay WW, it sounded right to me. Gas days it is. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 Ya know, Terri, I'm all for sharing.....but some things are a little TMI. . Are you, by any chance, using a tablet with predictive spelling? I know I have had to go back in and edit posts because I didn't catch mine changing a word. It's annoying! I'm supposed to be the boss of this thing! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
iPraiseHim Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 On 7/31/2016 at 7:11 PM, Muggs138 said: Hello, Maybe some of you can give me some words of wisdom... I feel like I am going backwards with my grief. I am having the worst Anxiety and my depression is at an all time time. This week Aug 7th is my birthday and it is my first birthday without my husband. Also August 15th will be 1 year when he went into hospice and then on August 31th is his birthday. Then on Sept 16 it will be one year since he passed and I sunk so low and am having the worst time dealing knowing that all this dates are approaching. All I do is just cry and reminisce of just last year and even though they're precious memories, they kill me inside... Because I know we will never have that again. I just don't know how to get through this anymore, I feel like there is just no hope for me . I'm im such constant pain and sadness over his loss . I know we all are going through the same thing in some way or another so maybe some advice, anything would help ? Muggs138, Believe me, I understand your pain. Nothing in my life prepared me for this depth of pain and grief. My selfish wish is that I can spare you from it because I lived through it and remember it so well. The first year of losses and missed birthdays, holidays, celebrations, and memories hit us all in deep and profound ways. My suggestion is to keep on feeling and expressing, and showing how much your love is through the grief. Grief is another expression of love that few people truly understand and get. The people here "GET IT" because we live with it everyday. As others have suggested to me here, you will get through it, one moment at a time. By some interesting way by sharing it, seek out grief counselors, journal-ling, and what ever method works for you. Everyone is different in that there is no set time or date. At some point, as I gradually came to face and accept the reality of my wife's death. I could remember some good times beyond the traumatic day of her death. I could begin to listen to the music my wife loved and I loved and not cry but rather enjoy and remember the happier times. I still have those deep grief times but they do lessen over time. Part of this grieving process is to learn what grief work you need to do to help YOU through this journey. I take it one moment at a time, one day at a time. I will pray for you to find your path through. Shalom - George 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 50 minutes ago, TerriL said: We have good days and we have gas days IDK, I wouldn't change a thing, it gave ME a good laugh! 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 Muggs, I remember my first birthday without George, no one said Happy Birthday to me and it was such a stark contrast to how it was with George, I cried myself to sleep. I hope you have a better birthday than that! Maybe try to make plans so you won't be alone? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KarenK Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 Yeah Terri, just thought you were referring to us oldsters. lol Here is a funny for all of us. At least I thought it was funny. Ron was at the casino one time sitting next to an "older" woman. Another man was sitting on her other side. She was having a terrible "gas" problem. Finally the man stood up, said to her "Lady, you have finally smoked me out" and went on his way. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TerriL Posted August 1, 2016 Report Share Posted August 1, 2016 Gwen, yes, I was writing on my iPad instead of my usual computer. The tiny keyboards on the tablets and smart phones don't help the matter either! The first time I texted on my smart phone, it looked as if I was speaking Klingon! lol (I do sometimes turn the thing to the side to make the keys larger, but it still isn't that much of a difference. I'm lost without my stylus!) I must have hit the "g" with my finger instead of the "b" and didn't realize it until i submitted the post. I burst into laughter when I saw it! Yeah, that could definitely be considered TMI! Karen, that's such a great story! That's something to consider if you ever want the elevator all to yourself, too. Haha! 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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