Falling

[kayc]

Oh Laura, it's hard to believe it's been 5 1/2 months...but to you it probably seems a lot longer, it sure changes our lives, doesn't it.  Like Steve says,any given moment we can be hit like a ton of bricks by some innocuous thing.  I wish you could take the full time instead of being under the gun.  Try not to think about the time constraints, just plug away, it'll get there eventually.

[Clematis]

I'm not ready...but I'm fearless. Well, I do have respect for the forces of nature and the crazies that should give one pause, but fearless I am when it comes to personal courage. It's funny, but other people saw this long before I ever did. I kept thinking of myself as the quavering girl that was terrified to even speak (and had a terrible stammer), the girl that my mother bullied and badgered and tried to break. But somehow I always had the courage to stand behind my convictions and frequently say what no one else would because they were afraid. I realize now that my mother saw that all along and that was the reason she tried harder on me than my sisters to break me. But somehow I learned that if one goes after the things one fears, one becomes less fearful.

Last night I went to the rehearsal of the Jerome Ukulele Orchestra, with whom I have been playing cello for a year. I play the ukulele better than most of them, but they have people who can do leads on the uke and have enjoyed the opportunity to develop their chops, and they love my playing the cello. So I just hide behind my cello as if I couldn't sing a note and focus on the cello. Actually, it is difficult to sing and play an instrument with no frets because you have to find correct pitch with both simultaneously. 

Last night, Christy, the principal female vocalist wasn't there. And it's permanent-she's gone. And we have a three-hour gig in Jerome on Saturday night. Tommy, who leads the group, can do anything, but sometimes he has other gigs and Christy has lead the group when he was gone. There are two male vocalists who are also are strong leaders-they can keep things going when Tommy's not there but the only other female vocalist is seldom there. We kept coming along tunes that really need a female lead, so I popped up to the mic and said, "I'll sing it", and I did. I sang a lot. I sang things I have never sung before. I sang things I obviously struggled with but did it anyway. When we were almost done they thanked me and I said, "well, you know-that's how I am. I'm fearless." I didn't know if they knew that or not, but one of them said, "Yes-I know! It's one of the things I love most about you, Laura!" And here I thought I was successfully hiding behind my cello...

[Clematis]

15 hours ago, KATPILOT said:

OOh a heavy trigger moment wasn't it Laura? Funny how you can just open a drawer sometimes and get hit.  I know it's hard when reminded that he's not there anymore. Would it not be okay to make small changes over a longer period of time?  In 1 1/2 years a lot have changes would then have been made.  I discovered that by taking years adapting and living with things and memories, they eventually morphed into my own life and things around me with little meaning were gone.

I wish I was moving more slowly, but it seems really important to get moved back into my own house so that I can get my dad's house on the market or on the foreclosure path or whatever is going to happen to it, because it's expensive paying double mortgage, utilities, and so on. Also, I go back to work-very full time in August... You are right-gradual would have been much better! 

[Clematis]

12 hours ago, kayc said:

Oh Laura, it's hard to believe it's been 5 1/2 months...but to you it probably seems a lot longer, it sure changes our lives, doesn't it.  Like Steve says,any given moment we can be hit like a ton of bricks by some innocuous thing.  I wish you could take the full time instead of being under the gun.  Try not to think about the time constraints, just plug away, it'll get there eventually.

It's funny-it seems like much longer and it also seems like practically yesterday. Or maybe it didn't even happen and it was all a bad dream and here I am sitting in his chair at the dining room table and he is really in his leather chair at the other end of the room and is going to ask me if I am going to make dinner or should we go out because I'm going something on the computer and it's getting late.

Thanks, Kay-I appreciate your sympathy about my being under the gun. I try to keep plugging away and trying not to panic. I try to get as much done when I can and have resolved myself to the fact that I can't really get anything done alone. I don't understand why I am paralyzed and unable to do anything alone, but I just keep working at lining up all the help I can get. No one else seems to be wondering why I need someone with me all the time-it is only I who thinks I should be able to work on this 7 days a week, 10 or so hours a day. 

[Clematis]

I find myself wondering how long this is going to last...how long will I have days when I feel like there is an elephant on my chest, I can't swallow, and I keep crying. I am having more trouble sleeping, which makes everything worse. I thought I was going to be getting off the Valium, but I guess it's not the right time. Again. I feel a lot of fear...or I guess it's really anxiety. It seems like things are actually getting worse and not better. Maybe it's because I am getting so worried about getting my house ready and getting moved back in before the start of the school year. My helpers seem somewhat less than confident, which is terrifying.

[Clematis]

It seems likely that my increasing anxiety is at least partly due to the timelines of the move and handling my father's affairs and possessions. And there's the complications of the car accident and handling all of this with a concussion-or post concussion, or whatever it is. I am being referred to a neurologist because the OT's evaluation, as well as the observation and evaluation of the speech path is that I am having a lot of problems with sequencing, complex tasks where I need to juggle things, and distraction, especially when I am being timed.

Also, my sweet attorney who is handling the car accident, was called out of town on a special assignment in D.C. for six weeks, and so someone else is handling all that. I just sent a contract online to the person who is handling my case, inquiring about his email address since I got a letter today that someone other that I needs to handle. The other guy, who is actually one of the senior partners, fielded the contact request almost immediately, asking that I send him the letter. That was reassuring! 

[Clematis]

It seems like every little thing is something that makes me feel sad-or worse. I am listening to the radio and heard them read out some lottery numbers, and it made me think of a day in January when the Powerball was bigger than it had ever been. I bought a ticket and wrote, "Good Luck, Daddy!" on it. The Wednesday of the big drawing...my dad died about 3:00 in the morning...Some luck! I think it was what he wanted-at least in part; I think he was very tired of struggling so hard to do the simplest things. I sure miss him, and I am getting rather exhausted myself. It is hard dealing with two households and two of everything. His taxes, my taxes. Is his checking account going to bounce before some money gets in there? No-it's mine! (saved it in the nick of time). It's just too much to be doing this alone after not enough time has passed...

[MartyT]

Laura, my dear, you seem to be struggling to convince yourself that you need more time ~ time to process and come to terms with the death of your father, time to get his affairs in order, time to consolidate two households into one, time to heal from the accidents you've had, time to relax a bit over the summer before going back to work full-time. Maybe it's time to put all of this aside and make an appointment with a grief counselor. Maybe you need some personal, private time with someone outside your circle who can tune in objectively to your concerns, help you to set priorities, and give you permission to slow down.

[Clematis]

Thank you, Marty. I have a grief counselor-Dale, through the Hospice He has been really helpful, and he has said all of those things. We usually talk once a week, and it is often on the phone because the half hours it takes each way makes it not fit in between his and my helpers' schedules. Dale has told me that my spending some of the money in my father's estate-even though part of it is my sisters' is entirely justifiable because I took care of him of him for ten years, and am taking care of his affairs now--while they did nothing to help then or now. Everything went downhill at both of our houses because I was taking care of our father with PD, leaving mountains of clutter, destroying both carpets, etc. So much food and red wine and everything else onto the carpeting-especially at my house. The day he dropped a heaping spoon of guacamole onto the carpet and inadvertently stepped on it before I could do anything about it, I just gave up and decided to stop fighting the mess on the carpet, replace it after he was gone, and stop worrying about it-because it probably made him feel badly watching me scrubbing at the carpet in the middle of almost every meal. The carpet was old anyway and I never liked the color of it. The carpet is 18 years old now and full of dust-and I am very allergic to dust. Also, the mattress I have been sleeping on for the past 11 years came with my house when I bought it-and I am allergic to it. It has some pertumey smell that couldn't be fixed, even by airing and by sleeping on the bottom of the pillow top mattress instead of the top. Stripping my house down to the carpet and getting rid of it will be good for my health.

Dale has pointed out that my sisters have every obligation to help pay for the cost of things now because they weren't helping before and they aren't helping now. The cost of dealing with the mess now is a direct result of my dad's PD. Also, he has said many times that given his PD and inherent decline, most anyone would have put him into assisted living-a LONG time ago. He has said many times that anything we get ($$) at this point should be seen as a bonus because had he been in assisted living years ago everything of any value and all of the money would have been gone a long time ago. Also, it is a bonus that I earned by breaking my back trying to help him live at home until the end. I wanted him here, a minute and a half from my door, but more importantly it was what he wanted. I told him over and over, "I don't want to be a selfish pig and keep you here to myself if you think it would be more fun or more interesting to live in assisted living-I'll take you to see some of them." He steadfastly declined to even think about it.

Dalle talks to me about strategies in grief...four or so...mostly about delegating and paying people (which I have done a lot of) and postponement. He agrees that my idea of trying to get moved this summer-rather than next summer-is reasonable given the expense in time and money of maintaining two houses over the school year. Nevertheless, as Dale has told me, it's really too soon and too early for me in my grief process to be doing this now. But since I work in the schools I am kind of stuck.

I am finding more and more ways to postpone things, with Dale's encouragement. I don't have to paint my kitchen or bathroom before the carpeting and move. They can be done later. I can leave a bunch of stuff at my dad's house after I move (that I don't need) and pay someone(s) to keep sorting - with my occasional input - after the school year starts.

Right now I am seriously panicking, and I think things have gotten worse because of this artificially induced timeline. I feel way more pressure because of the workload and the approaching deadline of school starting. I also fear that same deadline because when I move back to my own house because once I cut loose of his condo, it will be gone forever. Actually as soon as I move my stuff back in and get his furniture over there, his house will never look like his house again. It will be an empty shell and the thought of that makes me cry. I have told my friend Greg, the photographer, that I want my house (a mirror image of his) to look just like his, except with blue carpeting. He keeps telling me that is no problem - we just have to take pictures of my dad's place before I move. He is probably right, but the uncertainty produces anxiety - a lot of it. I have no idea what it will be like, only fear and hopes.

There is also a lot of work to be done, and when my helpers have doubts, I really panic. Uh-oh-I hear one of them coming up the walk. Back to work!

[kayc]

Laura,

I hope you reply to your helpers that you don't need to hear that, that you need encouragement and positivity.  The sorting is probably the hardest part because it is emotional and involves input from you, once that is done, others can box up, move, paint, etc.

[Clematis]

Thanks, Kay. Yeah...I have...I've told them that it's discouraging and demoralizing, and pointed out that even though it seems daunting, we have to keep charging ahead because I have to pull this off. I can't pay another year on my dad's condo upkeep-it will come out of my retirement funds ultimately, and it's not like there is that much there! I can't afford to take a big hit like that. Also, the stress of dealing with two households while working is just too much. It has to be done this summer, no matter who feels discouraged.

I think we've come around a corner this week though...the housekeeper came over and dusted and vacuumed the carpet at my house, and we got almost everything else that was remaining on the carpet-except the furniture-off the carpet. This is rather amazing, because it was like a landslide had occurred all over the house. I have a good friend who told me that I was a hoarder and that is why the house looked like that-and my dad was a hoarder as well. This woman is a professional musician who practices, teaches a few lessons, and cleans her house. That's it. No family, children, or even a pet at this point. I explained that my dad's house looked like it did because he had PD and it was too hard for him to clean his house, or even get stuff to the waste basket, or once there to empty the trash outside. I was working more than full time, producing art, playing music in several groups, and taking care of my dad.

I live in a small condo with stuff for all my activities and sports, and have inadequate storage to even start to figure out where to find homes for things. Anyone who even looked up "hoarder" on the internet could figure out that did not apply to either my dad or me, and anyone who thought about it could figure out what my house might look like inside, with me always on the go running in and out, and for the most part only sleeping there. She became so angry with me that I refused to "admit" that my dad and I were both hoarders that she stopped speaking to me. For awhile. But we've been friends for 30 years, she's always been unstable, and living through Katrina made her rather fragile as well. I haven't talked to her much this summer. When I do talk to her, I sense that her rage is bubbling under the surface, and try to keep it brief. I think she is concerned about me, but I can't handle the way she expresses her emotions right now. Not this year.

Anyway, about the corner, I think we're getting close to being ready for action. I think I will get a storage room to put my own furniture in-very temporarily. Then, I think we will be almost ready to start prepping to paint. Once we paint, we can get the carpet installed. Then we clean the Persian rug. When it is dry, we move my dad's furniture down up to my house and then my stuff and me. We can then move my furniture from the storage unit to my dad's house, from where we can work on selling it. Whatever is left at my dad's house in the garage can be dealt with then, and there will be a place to sit and whatnot while whoever is there working on it is there. I'll figure that out as it comes.

[kayc]

I have a hard time believing your "friend's" anger is a result of who or how you are, it sounds like she has some personal issues of her own.  I'm glad she isn't around this summer because you don't need that directed to you right now!  Whatever one thinks of their friends or whatever people are willing to "admit" or not, shouldn't be cause for someone to have anger towards someone else!  It's not about you, it's something to do with her.

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

I have a hard time believing your "friend's" anger is a result of who or how you are, it sounds like she has some personal issues of her own.  I'm glad she isn't around this summer because you don't need that directed to you right now!  Whatever one thinks of their friends or whatever people are willing to "admit" or not, shouldn't be cause for someone to have anger towards someone else!  It's not about you, it's something to do with her.

You are right; she definitely has significant personal issues. And actually she is around...she lives between New Orleans and Biloxi, but comes out to Cottonwood (20 minutes from me) every summer to escape the humidity and the hurricanes. She arrived the day after I returned from Hawaii, but I haven't seen her, and talked to her very little. I think she knows that unloading a giant pile of b.s. on me right after my father's memorial service was insensitive if not cruel. Unfortunately, she finds a way to turn things around so that her victim becomes her perpetrator-and a justifiable target. I know better than to search that out. I'm fairly certain she has a personality disorder, but one doesn't diagnose one's friends. She has said some unbelievingly vicious things to me in the past, and never apologized. After sufficient time, the events just look smaller from a distance. She is a fabulous musician, brilliant and very interesting, but I can't take it right now. Right now I need comfort more than stimulation...

[kayc]

I'd want to upgrade (my friend)!

[Clematis]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

I'd want to upgrade (my friend)!

I'm not sure I understand what you mean...

 

[kayc]

A friend that displays anger and insults you, esp. when you're going through everything you are...seems like you need another friend, that's what I meant by upgrade.

[Clematis]

oh, yeah,,,you are right. I still consider her to be a friend, and we have a thirty year history together, but she is not the person to call if I really need support. I try and remember she is very limited, but every now and then I forget. I do have friends now who are nice to me, and are supportive and understanding.

[kayc]

It's true.  I read an article many years ago that I've often wish I'd kept.  It was on friendship.  It talked about how we all have different expectations for friends and some of us are incompatible in our expectations.  I had a friend that wanted to talk on the phone with me for an hour every night, the second I walked in the door, and I needed time to destress.  This was before caller ID, portable phones, and answering machines.  I'd be tied to the wall and unable to use the restroom.  I had to answer the phone at work all day and the last thing I wanted to do when I got home was be on the phone.  She, on the other hand, was a stay at home mom, craving interaction.  Our needs were incompatible.  I still care for her but I must admit I let the friendship slide to the back after trying to discuss this with her many times and getting nowhere.

Sometimes we have a friend that is fun to spend time with but find we can't really share from our heart with them.  Maybe they're critical, or judgmental, or just don't have any understanding of where we're coming from.  So we have fun with them but don't try to talk to them about anything important.  

[Clematis]

That's all true...this is also a friend that when I talk to her always wants to talk for an hour-or more, and there is a long history of her working at controlling me with barely concealed anger that escalated as the conversation went on. I am much better equipped to deal with her than I was when we were younger, but she hasn't really changed much. I talked to her on the phone yesterday, and every time I said something she had heard before she bristled. It I told her something that didn't totally jive with her picture of how she remembered it, she bristled and was on the verge or accusing me of lying to her.

Then she told me something I thought was way off base, and I thought I did a fabulous job of fielding it, but of course, nope! She was telling me that she had heard of professional organizers and she thought I should get one involved (right now). I actually have a good team of people that have been making good progress and I think we're on target time wise, although I may need a little more help on days my helpers are busy elsewhere. But I don't need a whole new approach midstream. I told her that was a great idea, and after I get all of my stuff in one location and am moved back in there, I could probably use an organizer to help me organize my art stuff into a reasonable studio so that I can paint at home (inside). She bristled and said that wasn't what she meant and argued for why I should follow her plan and dump what I am doing.

She is not what I need right now...she hasn't offered to help, which is a good thing. Having her around would be on a par with having my sisters out here trying to help me - a potential disaster!

She really doesn't know how to be supportive or to communicate in a situation where there is anything difficult going on. It is unfortunate that she has such extreme social problems, and I have been committed to her over the years, because as an artist, this has been a relationship I have benefitted from. But interactions with her come at some personal cost and I just can't do it right now. In fact, I couldn't help but have the thought that I really should be paid my professional rate to even deal with her this year. Sometimes she is really great and she has been a steadfast supporter of my painting, but this is not a good year for more than minimal interaction with her...

[kayc]

I'm glad she's not my friend.  Seriously!

[Clematis]

Yeah-I know what you mean. She is definitely not much of a help at this point...

[Clematis]

On July 3, 2016 at 4:15 PM, kayc said:

A friend that displays anger and insults you, esp. when you're going through everything you are...seems like you need another friend, that's what I meant by upgrade.

I should have listened to you more carefully, Kay. This friend, Brenda, called me tonight and was trying to get me to go to a movie with her that have been of interest to us both. I said yes and we tried to work out  the details, but we kept getting caught in little snags where she would bristle and try to get me to drop what I was saying by starting to get angry.

She wanted to know how things were going and I was telling her about my next door neighbor at my own condo, who has taken to coming onto my property every day and messing with my stuff, rearranging my potted plants, unscrewing the carport lightbulb, etc, on a daily basis. I'm a little concerned because I'm moving back and will have to deal with her again. So my fiend started challenging me on everything I said, and when I had answers to all of her challenges, which made little sense, she got angry.

Then she was telling me that I had done a good job of getting through all this, and I was  trying to tell her that I thought I had found a good plan that seems to be working, and it was a feat no one else could figure out. My sisters told me "you need a storage unit" and "you just need a plan" but basically they had a "deer in the headlights look about my whole situation" and I think that has been part of why they have avoided me so much - they really did not want to have to help with something they thought was impossible. But Brenda wouldn't let me finish my thought, telling me, "I don't want you to pull me into your problems with your sisters".

She spent a few days with my sisters in March around my dad's memorial, and she spent a few days with my older sister once at least 20 years ago. She has a relationship with me but not with them. She may never see them again in this life. I told her I wasn't trying to pull her into anything, but she insisted that I was, became irate, and said that we needed more time and distance apart, and maybe we should try getting together after I was settled back into my house. Huh. Sounds like she is afraid that I might try to rope her into helping me. After all she has been in town for the last month while I have been busting my butt working on this project and has not even had coffee with me, much less come over to even see how things are coming along...

I think you are right...

[Clematis]

Another blow to the head...it's just amazing the way this keeps happening! I am working very hard all dat and into the evening, pretty much every day trying to get into my house before school starts, even though I don't really know the status of my employment. One of my tasks is to get rid of most of my own furniture, because I am keeping my dad's - which is nicer than my stuff. Also, mine is whatever I had and his is special because it was his-either because it was in the family, or he bought it upon moving to AZ, partly with me in mind. Some stuff I am selling, and some stuff I am giving away.

A viola player I know came yesterday to pick up a futon couch I was giving away, and we were loading it into the back of her truck, which has one of those old aluminum camper shells you can buy and attach. Apparently, the support for the hinged black window was broken and she was improvising by using a stick. The sick got knocked out, and the window fell on my head.  Boom! Owww! My head had not stopped hurting...and things were getting a lot better.

I saw the OT today and after doing some cognitive testing, went back to the neurologist appointment question. I am on a wait list for an appointment, which is likely to happen in four to six months. They only schedule 3 months out and beyond that you wait for a cancellation and hope you can make it. Unless your primary care physician asks for you to be listed as a more urgent case. And my primary care physician doesn't think I really need to be seen - he thinks I'm just an anxious person. I may be perseverative (don't know when to stop) and that may make him anxious, but that doesn't mean I'm anxious... Anyway, I hope it gets better soon!

 

[kayc]

Geez, just what you needed!  

[MartyT]

I think you should get yourself a bicyclist's helmet and wear it all the time, Laura. (Just kidding ~ but this head injury stuff IS happening to you way too often!)  ♥