Margm Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 Gin, I have a bunch of books and I am afraid to read them. One book I bought on Kindle and it kept bothering me so instead of reading it, I deleted it. I guess I am a coward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CharKath Posted July 3, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 I'm glad I asked this question. A lot of you have had interesting things happen. I've never felt or sensed Charley's presence since he died. We were so close, together 24/7 and we had no secrets. Never mad at each other and thats rare working together too and getting along so well. And that has always upset me. We had talked about what he wanted when it got down to the end, but my traitorous brain has this guilt and regret thing going here lately of did I do the right things, etc. But worse is what if Charley had changed his mind but couldn't tell me different? That one is killing me. Maybe hes mad at me for not doing something thats why i cant sense him. Thats how my brain works. I need something to hang on to. So every time I see this black swallowtail butterfly, it gives me hope. Hope that he still loves me and is checking on me and is going out of his way so I'm sure to see him. I know he's OK this way too. And I dearly need to know that he's OK. He was such a good guy. He deserves to be OK. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 I think he's around you...why would he suddenly stop hanging around you when he had been your constant companion in life. Maybe he doesn't think he needs to tell you he's there since he has no trouble seeing you. I doubt he's mad at you. From everything I have ever heard from anyone, it seems like when people pass on, along with their pain they also leave their petty b.s. and "issues" behind and what remains is what is significant. His love for you. His knowledge that you love him. Does anything else really make sense? He may have trouble communicating with him in a way that you can pick up on. It may be that what he is able to do at this point is not something that you are sensitive to. People are sensitive to different things. I am sensitive to my father talking to me, to three dimensional waves in music, to vibrations from flowers, plants, and fruits. But I am not terribly sensitive to temperature and some other more obvious things. Sometimes I gradually become aware that sweat is running down my face or body somewhere and only then realize that it is hot. Everyone else is wearing light clothing and I am wearing a sweater that I've had on all day since it was cool, and just didn't notice. Or maybe it has cooled off and other people are wearing appropriate clothing and I am wearing a light skirt, sandals, and a T-Shirt, when I should be wearing a coat, socks & real shoes, etc. like everyone else is. Suddenly I realize I am stiff with cold and shivering and wonder why I it took me so long to notice. I carry extra clothing in the trunk of my car because I am frequently caught off guard. Many people are not aware that they have their shoulders clenched up high or that they are holding their breath, or are breathing in a shallow way, or that they frequently make odd facial expressions or all kinds of other things. I think it you watch people you will realize that there are a lot of people wandering around out there who are not aware of things that others are very aware of. There are people who have learned to be very aware of body language that others do not even notice-espacially the person exhibiting the given cues. Pickpockets do this...say that they found a wallet and ask you if you lost yours. You know you did not lose your wallet, but without realizing it, you put your hand on it, which lets the thief know where your wallet is. We think we are of what is all around us, but it just isn't true. And everybody notices different stuff. Weird, but true. Also, it happens all the time that someone has a sudden awareness of a word or something they had no awareness of before and suddenly they hear it everywhere. You may have been as unaware of Charley's presence as you are to your own breathing. You might try talking to him and don'r over focus on whether or not you get a response. Just assume he heard you and carry on... Laura Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 I wonder where Steve is too. He is free of this plane so I feel he would also be free of the questions and confusions we have. Strange things have happened since he left, but I'm not sure I'm just attaching significance to them or they mean something more. The titles of the books mentioned I would not want to read. I want to believe in my heart that he can see me and someday we will see each other again, but I know there is nothing that can determine that on this side. I admire the people that have the faith to feel it is true, but I don't have that. I hope he can see the hell I am going thru. Not to make him feel bad but because we always shared each other's pain and to be left alone in that is the most desolate feeling I've ever felt. We went thru everything together so I miss his telling me everything will be all right as long as we are together. Now we are not so that is the dilemma I an trying to solve. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 But since you know him so well Gwen, don't you think he would be near you saying everything will be all right even if you can't hear his voice? If they loved us as we loved them, I doubt that would change on the other side. We might not feel their arms around us but they are. He knows Gwen. I truly believe he knows. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 8 hours ago, CharKath said: We had talked about what he wanted when it got down to the end, but my traitorous brain has this guilt and regret thing going here lately of did I do the right things, etc. But worse is what if Charley had changed his mind but couldn't tell me different? That one is killing me. Maybe hes mad at me for not doing something thats why i cant sense him. Thats how my brain works. I need something to hang on to. Kathy- We all face a sense of guilt and remorse when someone we love so totally dies. I believe it is very important at these times to embrace the knowledge that every decision that you made and every action taken was made out of love based on the best information you had available at that time. I really don't believe Charley is angry with you. You need something to hang on to? Hang on to the knowledge that your love for Charley was requited and unique. It is obvious that your relationship is very rare and that you and Charley had what Deedo and I had: the kind of love fairy tales are made of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clematis Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 6 hours ago, KATPILOT said: He knows Gwen. I truly believe he knows. I also believe that is true... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 9 hours ago, KATPILOT said: But since you know him so well Gwen, don't you think he would be near you saying everything will be all right even if you can't hear his voice? If they loved us as we loved them, I doubt that would change on the other side. We might not feel their arms around us but they are. He knows Gwen. I truly believe he knows. Thanks, Kat. This is the kind of belief or faith I've never had to look for before. I have a friend who says she has 'talked' to him and that told her I would be a hard sell on feeling his presence. it's the wanting to know something we all want to yet there is no proof of. That someday I will see him. I'm not totally sure if that would ease the waiting, but at least I would know something in this emotional jumble. The only realities are the pain and no more memories to create. I once said it is like (in this world) the book we were writing is done. No more chapters to add. I loved writing that book. The reality of his truly being gone us like having it published and bound sitting on my table. It reached an ending and its final. He alway said I was the one that created and believed in magic in our lives. Not feeling that is hard right now. I forgot how harsh life is when you face it alone. I see it all the time in couples we know. That feeling that is there we never thought about that someone is always there. Unconsciuosly we carried that with us thru our day. Sometimes I get anxious because I am getting home late, but it only matters to the dogs waiting for thier dinner. Not because someone will be worried where I am. And vice versa. It's still odd to me that at 2am I don't have to wonder why he is late from a gig. Or him calling saying he is packing up. This just plain sucks. I wish I were more creative about wording, but that's my simple truth in a nutshell. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 I know Gwen, it does suck. It is, for lack of a better word, weird not having him to worry about or care where he is and not having anyone who cares or worries about me. I've never lived alone before, I went from living at my childhood home to getting married and living with Dale. I've always had someone to worry and care about and always had someone to care and worry about me. It is truly an odd feeling and added to every other feeling we get through this journey, it is getting a little overwhelming. Joyce 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 Joyce, More than a little overwhelming! A lot. Al and I always had cookouts for the summer holidays. Now there is nothing. I guess my kids think I am fine. Al was their step dad. Nothing from my 2 daughters or son. I think I am feeling sorry for myself. I hate weekends, and holiday weekends are the worst. This alone thing is no fun. I did visit a friend who just completed chemo and radiation, but I miss the family get together soon. Gin 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 Gin - I'm know how hard the holidays are. I guess my family must think I'm ok too, since I haven't heard from any of them. Of course, they don't live close to me and they all have their own families to be with. I think we have a right to feel sorry for ourselves right now, but I'm feeling that way too. Just yearning for the way it use to be. Joyce 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 Gin, It's okay to feel sorry for yourself sometimes. I don't hear from my kids much either, makes me wonder what they think. No matter how much time goes by, holidays are still hard. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 Looks like we are all into the same boat. Holiday weekends really emphasize the 'family' thing, even if it was just the 2 of you. I thawed some ribs per 4th tradition and will be cooking them in the oven. Steve would faint at the idea of such an atrocity. The grill would be out and ready. The mere mention of indoor cooking was an insult to his grilling talents. Never was my job and have no motivation to do it for me alone. I'm listening to all he sounds in the neighborhood of people preparing for thier feasts. Tough weekend for sure. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KATPILOT Posted July 3, 2016 Report Share Posted July 3, 2016 That makes me smile. I was always the one to grill them and Kathy made the fall of the bone kind.. Guess what I just made? Yup, baked in the oven. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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