R.Everit55 Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Tomorrow night marks 18 months since my love my bride my princess my soulmate my best friend and so much more lost her battle with ALS. A disease that I truly HATE. So much has happened since. Horrible and happy. But I have to say that I have not felt more pain or more loneliness or more grief than I do right now. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'm complaining. I look at my grandchildren with a smile on my face but an ache in my soul because their Grammy should be here to witness each blessing. I go to bed at night lately and I cry holding onto her pup Little Man. He sleeps still on her pillow and I'm sure still looks for her. The boys know she's gone but don't fully understand. Gracie will never meet her wonderful Grammy. My heart hurts so much more now than any other time in these 18 months with the exception of when the twins passed on prematurely. I walk in this home and walk through it full of children's voices and Gracie's cries and smiles and half of me is so empty hurting and aching for what should be. And that is my Mary should be in this home doing all she used to do and more. 18 months tomorrow night. I don't want to remember. I don't want any of these memories of ALS stealing her slowly from me and our family. ? Butch 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
brat#2 Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Butch, just sending you the biggest hug I can. Joyce 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Thinking of you, Butch... 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 With all the turmoil your family has endured in the last 18 months, Butch, it's not at all surprising to me that your grief remains at its present level of intensity. You've really not had much uninterrupted time simply to sit with it, to feel your feelings and think your thoughts about this unspeakable loss of your precious soul mate Mary and the effects it has had and continues to have in your life. Grief of this magnitude needs needs time and space for you to process it. It also helps to remember that we human beings are capable of holding opposite feelings at the same time: profound sorrow at the death of your Mary along with joy at the wonderfulness of having the support of your family and loving your darling Gracie girl. I read an article this morning that might speak to you as it did to me. It was mentioned as a comment at the base of my own blog post on this very topic of ambivalence (In Grief: Feeling Guilty for Feeling Happy) and it has a similar theme: Moving on Versus Healing. I hope you'll take the time to read and ponder both articles ~ and know that we're all thinking of you and holding you in our hearts. ♥ 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted July 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Thank you. Sorry I'm complaining yet again. My heart hurts so bad. I want to get away to our Florida place we always went together. I just want to be alone. But I don't want to leave the family. I know if I go I may get some peace. I hope I would. I need to talk to Allen about it. I don't want to leave them alone. But they are their little family. They don't need me. Caleb is home from hospital. He's still on breathing treatments regularly. But he's doing better. I may just go to Florida soon to be alone. My heart needs that I think. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted July 8, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 Thank you Marty for info to read. I think I've not let myself grieve and have tried to just hold onto my grandsons and Gracie girl with all my might. That is why I want to get away to Florida myself and be alone to think but more importantly feel the things I must confront. I will do that soon I think after I'm certain Allen can keep an eye on my Dad. I suffer a lot of conflicting feelings since Mary died. They must be sorted throughBut on my own. I have talked to my therapist but that is not comfortable for me right now. Alone is better. In a peaceful place such as Florida where we used to visit often. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BillT Posted July 8, 2016 Report Share Posted July 8, 2016 My prayer for you Butch is that you make the trip that you need to make, and you do, think, and feel that which you need. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
enna Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 You are grieving, Butch. You are not complaining. Florida may be a place where you will be able to "sit" with your grief. It will never be over but when you are allowing yourself to be with your grief you just may experience some peace that you so deserve. Remember dear friend one day at a time. You and your family remain on my prayer list. I am glad that Caleb is out of the hospital. Anne 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 Butch, if you're feeling the need to get away, then do so, you need to listen to your inner voice. Let us know what you decide, I'll keep you in my prayers. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Finch Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 All the best to you Butch. All the very best. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 I feel for you I hope you are able to do the grieving you need so you can heal that is my goal one day I want to heal. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 Butch is unable to log in here, but he is taking a trip and I've asked him to let me know when he arrives safely. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 Thanks for that Kay. Butch, my heart and prayers are with you. I agree with what has already been said. Right now you need to do what is right for you, just you. Sending you a big super-sized hug from the Pacific Northwest Coast of Canada. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 Try to relax Butch. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 9, 2016 Report Share Posted July 9, 2016 Dear Butch I am weeping just thinking about your sorrows. I hope you have some respite soon. It won't last long enough but you need to recharge your battery. Marita 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
R.Everit55 Posted July 10, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 10, 2016 Thank you all friends. Little Man and I have made it to VA. We are getting a room until morning. I will let you all know or let Kay know when I arrive safely in FL. Love, Butch 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Butch made it to destination (FL) safe and sound with Little Man, he's calling it a night. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gin Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Thanks, Kay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cookie Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 On July 8, 2016 at 3:51 PM, R.Everit55 said: Tomorrow night marks 18 months since my love my bride my princess my soulmate my best friend and so much more lost her battle with ALS. A disease that I truly HATE. So much has happened since. Horrible and happy. But I have to say that I have not felt more pain or more loneliness or more grief than I do right now. I feel like there's something wrong with me. I feel like I'm complaining. I look at my grandchildren with a smile on my face but an ache in my soul because their Grammy should be here to witness each blessing. I go to bed at night lately and I cry holding onto her pup Little Man. He sleeps still on her pillow and I'm sure still looks for her. The boys know she's gone but don't fully understand. Gracie will never meet her wonderful Grammy. My heart hurts so much more now than any other time in these 18 months with the exception of when the twins passed on prematurely. I walk in this home and walk through it full of children's voices and Gracie's cries and smiles and half of me is so empty hurting and aching for what should be. And that is my Mary should be in this home doing all she used to do and more. 18 months tomorrow night. I don't want to remember. I don't want any of these memories of ALS stealing her slowly from me and our family. ? Butch Butch: I feel so much for you. I have the same problem in that after 13 months the pain is almost worse in some ways, something i was not prepared for. My husband died of can cancer and I find myself hating that disease too. Thanks for sharing, as sometimes I feel like I'm the only one having such a hard time and it seems like after a year things should start easing up, but that hasn't been the case for me. I do have moments, but the pain is pretty primary. I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs to you, Cookie 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 11, 2016 Report Share Posted July 11, 2016 Cookie (and Butch), you are not alone in this experience of grief in the second year. You might find this article helpful: Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now