rdownes Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 Today was harder than usual and today was not a special day I only worked my one job today so had lots of free time, I listened to his music, was looking at his shrine. we have a shelf in our living room that has all Kevin's pictures, some of his stuff, stuff from the viewing , candles and his ashes the missing him was unbearable could not get him out of my head at all today,felt empty beyond words usually I can get my mind distracted at some point not today. I went outside and neighbors blocks over had music playing so loud and they were enjoying themselves at first I got mad for a second. I actually got mad at their laughter. I them got sad because Kevin brought so much excitement to the house and now it is just dull, sometimes I do not know who I am becoming today was an I can't do this anymore day, tomorrow is two months but it feels like eternity already I try do hard to keep pushing through but days like today I wanna give up,I am sorry to burden everyone with my pain all the time I know everyone on here is hurting to it is just no one else understands how broken I feel. Robin 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 Ive been thru that anger at people going on with life. It's so normal. I try and remind myself I was doing that when there were people suffering I didn't know about. I purposely did not put things as a shrine because I knew that would tear me to pieces to see easily. I left his things where they were except medical supplies, which got bagged and thrown out right away, as i knew just walking anywhere in our home there he would be and that was hard enough. I put his ashes out of sight. I don't want to ever see them as they only bring pain. I am over 20 months in and still want to give up. You're not a burden, you are another of us in unimaginable pain. We all lost those that made our lives filled with life. You can't rip away half of yourself and have anything feel right. We adapt, but we are adapting to changes we never wanted, agreed to or had a choice about. Your loss is so new. I haven't figured out the 'being gentle with yourself' thing others have. The best I can do is remind myself I have the biggest reason in the world to feel so sad and lonely. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 I try not to think too much of his cremains. When I was packing, I gently set the beautiful wooden urn on a blanket and piled pillows on top. Then, I had to leave it in the space behind the front seat of the truck for three days, and it was so hot. I told Scott I felt guilty about leaving him in the heat. Then, Scott said he was going to put that on Facebook, worrying about cremains getting too hot. I think we all have a form of PTSD and the trauma of losing them makes us do and say things that seem exactly right to us, but to someone else they seem ironic. But, I am not sure that worries me much. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 11 hours ago, Gwenivere said: I am over 20 months in and still want to give up I counted today as 10 months. At first I counted days, then weeks, now months, and I have even got that wrong this month. Maybe last month. He was just here yesterday, I turned to the couch, his favorite place, and I would imagine seeing him. The couch was right next to my computer and he could be close. We could go hours without saying anything.. We never got on each other's nerves. But it took 20-30 years for us to reach that point. Knew I loved him, knew he loved me, but still we took each other for granted. Faced with separation twice, we just could not stay away. We fought through it and was rewarded with the deepest love and friendship anyone could ever have. But, we went through a lot of bumpy roads and detours. He used to get angry at me and not speak for days. Now, that I could not handle. It was okay to be quiet in later years. Still, the rare disagreement would make a divide we had to breech. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mittam99 Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 Robin, You are in the very early stages of your grief. Everything is going to be intensified. All that you are feeling is sadly, normal. I know I say this all the time but life from here on out needs to be taken moment to moment. We are all broken souls trying to mend our hearts that have been shattered in a million pieces. 12 hours ago, Gwenivere said: The best I can do is remind myself I have the biggest reason in the world to feel so sad and lonely. Gwen, From the second we wake up we're reminded. We have all lost the life we wanted to be forever. It's devastating in so many ways. The pain is unbearable. The tears are forever. Somewhere along the line though, at a point, we have a choice. We can live our life only longing for the life we had with our beloved. We can sort of stay in the dark hole of grief and the overwhelmed state of sadness that grief put us all in. Or we can look at it in a somewhat different way and that's what I've chosen to do. This is the only life I've got. It's certainly not what I wanted but there are no do-overs. I need to try to live this life in a way that allows me to be functional and at the same time allows me to honor Tammy and her memory. I will not give up. Life is too precious to me. Sure, this new life can be so dismal and sad and lonely. But the thing is, I know Tammy. Tammy loved my smile and loved seeing me happy. She wouldn't want me to live my life in totally misery until I leave this earth. I'm not happy, far from it. This new life basically sucks. But, I'm trying my best to get through my days in a way that has me thinking "tomorrow will be a better day". I have to look at things with some positivity. I also believe that my angel Tammy is still with me and encouraging me through this new life. I still feel married to Tammy, not in the legal sense (I'm "single" to the IRS), but she is my one and only forever bride. So this is where my journey has taken me so far. On the other hand, I believe everyone has to live their life and go through their grief journey in the best way they see fit. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Widowedbysuicide Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 Mitch, your wisdom and words are a comfort to me. Thanks so much 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gwenivere Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 2 hours ago, Marg M said: Faced with separation twice, we just could not stay away. We fought through it and was rewarded with the deepest love and friendship anyone could ever have. But, we went through a lot of bumpy roads and detours. Marg, I could have written this myself, down to the 2 separations. First was in the very early years and short lived. Second was later and lasted almost 2 years. But even thru those times we could not stay away from each other, even if it was just by phone. He had convinced the 2nd time it was for real, but when it came down to making it official, HE couldn't do it. That was 1995 and since that time til his death we were closer than we had ever been. That is when we discovered not only the intensity of love but being best friends. Looking back most couples would have thrown in the towel. I had even come to accept it. I had asked him to leave as he seemed so unhappy around me. He told me when we got back together that yeah, he had some fun, but it never felt right. He always called me if something bad happened. He broke his arm and was heartbroken I didn't rush to his side, I had to remind him he served me with divorce papers so he had to learn to live without me. Already too long a story, but it was when I agreed to sign the papers he said this was all wrong. That it was never me, it was something inside him he aimed at me. All I know was staring into that abyss changed us for the better and we were as bonded as 2 people could get. We got to experience life without each other and found we were 'meant to be'. Losing my best friend is sometimes harder than losing my husband. We were that intertwined down to the core. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Margm Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 I had never been on my own. I was living in he 19 foot RV and working. After six weeks I was ready to have my independence but just could not do it. I'm glad. It was worth it. My neighbor, she and her husband had only had a few arguments, nothing major for over 50 years. I felt like a fallen woman. But, for the outcome, I would do it all over again.. I used to say I just wanted to die of boredom. Don't think my family will let that happen. Stress will probably do me in. I guess we were forged in the flames. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 17 hours ago, rdownes said: they were enjoying themselves at first I got mad for a second. I actually got mad at their laughter. I them got sad because Kevin brought so much excitement to the house and now it is just dull It seems incongruous when we see the rest of the world carrying on while our world came to a screeching halt. I remember feeling that way and didn't see how I could go on, yet I have and you will too. It takes a lot of effort to get there, but it's a worthwhile effort. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Patty65 Posted July 17, 2016 Report Share Posted July 17, 2016 Dear Robin, I have been worse the day before the month anniversary dates - and I was like that yesterday too, not near any date -- sat in my office and cried, couldn't get images of him and all we had planned for the business out of my head. It was like -- how could the sky be blue and the sun be shining? The images of him healthy and sick so vivid in my mind. When I took my plane trip to the neighboring island the other day, a very young, in-love 20-something couple were giddy with love, and I felt my eyes glaring with lasers of disgust, their joy and kisses and laughter were so hard to watch. Same with my business partner's stories about her marriage. Then I was horrified at the feeling I had. The thing is, I've been told so many times that I do not need to feel guilty for any feeling -- those just happen -- it's the actions we take on those feelings that I want to watch -- but there's never any actions by me, at least lately. I've been told it's better to just observe and identify the feelings, and be gentle and compassionate with myself for them (ha). I'm horrible at not making myself wrong for my feelings. Someday I'll work more on that when I'm stronger, I guess. Patty 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 18, 2016 Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 You're already working on it, Patty. Well done. Proud of you, I am. ♥ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdownes Posted July 18, 2016 Author Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 I try to live moment to moment it is just so hard, that day was just beyond hard I could not find any peace that day but I guess days like that just happen, believe it or not my tears usually bring me comfort it makes me feel close to Kevin it is when I can't stop the pain at all that it bothers me, yesterday after work I just slept all day until this morning somehow someway I must carry on I want to thank everyone for listening I know I post alot it brings me a sense of relief though I know everyone on this site is suffering and I hope on day we all reach the point of peace. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 18, 2016 Report Share Posted July 18, 2016 5 hours ago, rdownes said: I hope on day we all reach the point of peace. Robin, Keep working on it, it'll get there. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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