Struggling all over again

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you.  And yes, so far so good with the exercise to the body and the comfort to the brain.  Very  

[Patty65]

On 8/25/2016 at 2:08 PM, rdownes said:

I miss who I was and I don't know how to get that back.

I'm at 6 1/2 months and I'm pretty sure I'm changed forever from this pain and loss.  A few months ago, I felt I had no strength anymore for the grief battle, or life even, really.  But I'm not sure I see it as a battle anymore to win or lose.  When the deepest, darkest storm hits, I see it more as survival than a battle.  And this feels like the biggest, darkest storm I've ever experienced.  Will I be swept away in the tornado, or is there some pole stuck in some cement that I can chain myself to in order to hold on? (this place has been that for me).  Will a tree come crashing down on me in a hurricane?  Sometimes I want to just walk out into the storm and let it take me.  But somehow we are all still fighting, I believe with help from our other halves, even when we wonder - why bother?  We keep waking up, and another day passes.  Life will never be the same after the storm.  We will never be the same.

So, I think I'm seeking out the cemented "poles" lately. So, wherever I have to go, if the tornado comes, I have a place to go hide and hold on in the dark.  I have found over the last couple of months that there is a few hours of respite from the storm every now and again.  What I'm trying to understand now is the devastation when I think "oh maybe I can hold on now" and then the storm comes again, just as strong as before. 

Yeah, the definition of crazy is doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different outcome.  If I have some respite from the storm of grief at the shop, I often go home, with a glimmer that tonight can be better. Maybe the house can be tolerable on some level.  Maybe I can do something there besides crawl into bed.  But alas, just my own personal "crazy" expecting a different outcome, and the eye of the storm lives inside in my alone home world.  But there have been some nights now where I can find my numb, at least for a few hours.  And even a connection to Ron in rare, special, but emotional moments.

At work, I've been given a gift that seems to be -- something that carries, its memory of the day, to give me strength.  And that is a baby in my office.  We have a young intern who is trying to get practical Quickbooks experience, she is working for free for a while, training.  And I told her that her daughter is more than welcome, and knowing her daughter is welcome, she is able to come in a lot more, not having to pay for childcare.  9 months old.  It's a gift because it makes me smile.  Smiling has VERY been hard-won.  A real smile, anyway.  Maybe because she smiles at me, which gives me hope that if she can smile at me, I am not as broken and beat up from the storm as I feel.

Keep holding on with us...

Patty

 

[Gin]

Last night when I was awake again, I turned on the TV.  Well, tried to.  The remote did not turn it on.  Hunted for new batteries...still nothing.  The little light is on, so I assume there is power.  If I push the volume, the little light blinks, so I assume the remote works.  Fairly new tv.  I keep the tv on a lot, even if I do not watch.  Time for radio.

coming home from the dentist, I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It has been almost a year and it is still there.

Gin

[BillT]

34 minutes ago, Gin said:

Last night when I was awake again, I turned on the TV.  Well, tried to.  The remote did not turn it on.  Hunted for new batteries...still nothing.  The little light is on, so I assume there is power.  If I push the volume, the little light blinks, so I assume the remote works.  Fairly new tv.  I keep the tv on a lot, even if I do not watch.  Time for radio.

coming home from the dentist, I had that sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  It has been almost a year and it is still there.

Gin

Gin,

The same thing happened with my TV a couple of months ago.  To get it back to operating normally, I had to turn off the TV and unplug it from the wall.  I waited 30 minutes, plugged it back in, and when it came back on, my remote functioned normally.  If you try this, I hope it works for you too!

Love & prayers to you,

Bill

 

[Gin]

Bill, thanks for the suggestion.  I have such a mess of wires that I will probably have to wait until my daughter comes over.  I unplugged 3 wires but they were not the tv.  Clock, Roku and vcr.  I will keep looking.  At least I will not buy a new tv yet.  I think I had to do that with the computer a while back.  

Gin

[KATPILOT]

3 hours ago, Patty65 said:

At work, I've been given a gift that seems to be -- something that carries, its memory of the day, to give me strength.  And that is a baby in my office.  We have a young intern who is trying to get practical Quickbooks experience, she is working for free for a while, training.  And I told her that her daughter is more than welcome, and knowing her daughter is welcome, she is able to come in a lot more, not having to pay for childcare.  9 months old.  It's a gift because it makes me smile.  Smiling has VERY been hard-won.  A real smile, anyway.  Maybe because she smiles at me, which gives me hope that if she can smile at me, I am not as broken and beat up from the storm as I feel.

 

 

 

There is just something special about new life when we have lost someone. Butch knows it, I know it, and you dear Patty know it now too. When my grandson was born after Kathy left this earth, I looked at him and saw a new life while another one ended. Life goes on and sometimes we find peace in that even if it lasts but a short while. When you find a smile on your lips where one hadn't been for so long, it does remind you that there is still hope. We all deserve a smile once and again.

You are changed forever Patty. We all are. I was listening to a song on Kathy's playlist which was by Nick Lachey "What's left of me" and a line from it resonates through my very soul. It simply says "I'm half the man I thought I would be". It may have been true but I was still half a man. Then I started becoming more whole. More whole but different. You can never have that person back that you once were. You can have a new person, a modified person but a person just the same. It's called being born again but not speaking of religion.

[mittam99]

There is something special about a child's smile. It can literally turn your frown upside down. I deal with families every day. I see all ages, from newborn babies to 90+ year old seniors. And since Tammy died, I look at the very old and the very young with a slightly different perspective. When I look at a child now, I think of life's journey they are just setting out on. They are wide eyed and thankfully haven't yet had to deal with some of the harsh realities of life. Then I look at the very old, and I see them differently too. I see them as probably near the end of their journey. And I go out of my way to show them the kindness and respect they deserve. I also feel a wave of sadness knowing Tammy didn't even get 46 years. We see everything in a different light now, don't we?

[KATPILOT]

These are the smiles that have kept me going for the last 66 months. The triplets were 18 months old  when Kathy died. and my grandson was born nine months after she left. From left to right Jasmine, William, Angela, and Mayu.  It's hard to be sad when they are around and watching them grow so fast over these years makes it hard to keep track of time. I do know that when they spend the night at my house, I feel Kathy enjoying them. She often talked about taking them to have their nails done and shopping of course.  I might look a little silly but I may have to take her place. In my early months, they brought a smile to my face when I needed it the most.

[kayc]

Steve, I don't think it silly at all, you'll be known as the fun grandpa!

[MartyT]

Adorable photo, Steve ~ darling grandchildren  ♥

[KATPILOT]

On 8/24/2016 at 1:37 PM, Gwenivere said:

 I just have nothing to say anymore.  And to who anyway?

I lost him and now I'm losing me.  It's bad enough living alone much less with the stranger I have become to myself.   

I believe one of the hardest parts of grief is what you are going through right now Gwen.  Losing him and now you feel you are losing yourself, is a very real thing. That person you once were is hell and gone. It's the same for me too and most everyone here I'll bet. If you lost a leg and they told you you will be able to walk again just like before you would know better and this is a lot worse than losing a leg. Do we reinvent ourselves? How do we motivate ourselves to do so? I wrote once that I didn't like who I had become. I remember feeling it I just don't remember much about that time. It all gets mixed up.  Somehow I took a fork in the road that turned out to be a better path than where I was headed. Perhaps Kathy pushed me. I'd like to believe that. It would be kind of romantic. One day you will once more have something to say.

Joyce there is a purpose for it even if it doesn't seem apparent yet.

[mittam99]

Awesome picture Steve. They're adorable.

Just one thing. Don't let the girls ever do this....

[KATPILOT]

Thank you Marty. They are adorable and they are going to be part of the "live entertainment" at the auction. They love dancing to Ronnie's music.The next day will be the triplets seventh birthday.  One day when I'm long gone I think they will talk about how much fun they had with me just as I remember how cool my grandpa was.  If there was just one goal in my life after loss, it would have been to make a difference.

[KATPILOT]

It's not the girls I worry about Mitch.

[Gin]

I finally found a grief group that meets weekly.  I mapped it out and put it in my GPS.  I drew a map on paper.  I left an hour early.  It was held at a large Catholic Church.  I found it, but there was a funeral going on.  I was told there was street parking.  One side said no parking on school days.  Other side had parking meters....a quarter for 12 minutes.  Did not have enough for the 2 hour meeting.  Went around 3 times.  Went into the main church parking lot.  Not even one space.  I have direction issues and I thought I covered all bases.   I just gave up and headed home.  I cried all the way home because I could not even figure it out. There was so much activity in the street that I got flustered.  It was not in my area and I was so proud of myself that I even found it.  Obviously, that did not last long.  I always counted on Al for navigating.   If he were here, I wouldn't have to go there.

[mittam99]

Gin, don't be hard on yourself. Sounds like parking was an absolute nightmare and anyone would be flustered in that situation. I think you did awesome all things considered. So proud of you!

[MartyT]

Oh Gin, I am so sorry. I can only imagine the courage it took for you to try so hard to find this group. I just pray that you won't let this experience deter you from trying again next week. Here's what I would do: First, call the church and let the receptionist / secretary know the trouble you had in finding adequate parking for the grief support group that is held at their church once a week. Ask exactly where you are expected to park next time. (If they're not providing adequate parking for this event, you're not the only one who is having trouble. They need to know it so they can fix it.) Write down whatever information / directions the receptionist gives you. Then, on a day when you have lots of free time and no pressure, make a dry run so you can locate exactly where the group is to be held, along with where you can park your car. (Whenever I have to get someplace for an appointment and I've never been there before, I always do a dry run like this. That way, I know I won't be all rattled when I arrive. Like you, I am a nervous wreck if I wait until the day of an event to try to get somewhere I've never been before and at a specific time.)

[KATPILOT]

How could you have known the funeral was going to be going on Gin? Chances are it won't be a problem next week and the way you set your plan of travel was incredible. Thinking it through like that and getting a good picture of what to expect would have made Al very proud of you. We just can't plan for the unexpected. Thankfully the unexpected doesn't happen that often. I hope next week finds you safely at your group and you walk away from it feeling better. Two fifty for parking is sadly quite high but maybe it would be good to have it with you just in case.

[Cookie]

Gin:  Those types of experiences are so hard.  I've had my share.  It's so disorienting being without the person we love and who used to be the other part of the equation.  I am struggling with these things too, as I'm sure a lot of us are.  I feel for you....take care, Cookie

[kayc]

Gin, I am proud of you for attempting to go and I hope you won't let it stop you next time.  Normally there would not be a funeral at the same time.  Bring lots of quarters next time and try again!  Let us know how it goes...

Courage isn't the absence of fear but the acting in the face of it.