Struggling all over again

[Cookie]

It's been 14 months since my dear husband, John, died and all of a sudden I am struggling worse than ever.  I have done everything suggested.  I get out, see people, do things, am working part-time, functioning quite well practically speaking, but right now I'm feeling totally downtrodden by sadness and a feeling of tremendous loss.  I have had times of hope and thinking maybe things will settle down and work out, but today not at all.  I have been going to therapy and went yesterday and I swear I feel worse today because of it.  Maybe I should quit therapy.  I don't even know anymore.  I so want to get through this, but I miss him so terribly much.  I am in a really black place today, wondering if it's possible to have a future at all.  I am 66 and feel like my life is probably over.  Is anyone else having this problem of recurrent overwhelm of grief.  I need a little support as I feel completely lost in this today......Cookie

[KATPILOT]

Cookie it so often seems worse the second year for so many reasons but it will pass. It truly will. I am 67 myself and in some ways my life IS over but in other ways it is just beginning. You have good therapy days and bad ones. Don't be too eager to quit. A day with rain is often followed by the sun.

[BillT]

Cookie,

My heart goes out to you, I miss my Mary Kay so much that I just do not want to go on.  I lost the love of my life just seven months ago.  Sadness and tremendous loss - yes, oh yes.  Cookie, I wish that I could say something that would ease your pain, but I don't believe the words exist.  We miss our loved ones and the pain cuts us to our souls.  Like you, I, at 65 feel that my life is likely over.  Know that people here on this site have a idea of what you are going through and love and prayers are coming to you.  

Bill

[brat#2]

Cookie, I completely understand.  I lost Dale a little over 13 months ago and like you I've been having the feeling of complete loss again, sometimes I think it is worse than in the beginning months.  I too have been doing thiings that have been suggested, but some days it is just too overwhelming.  I'm thinking that maybe now that all the initial legal stuff that had to be done and other stuff like that is done, we have more time to realize that they are not with us any longer, I don't know.  Just try to remember that you are not alone, even though we can't be physically there with you, we all are with you in our thoughts.  Hoping for a little peace for us all.  Hugs

Joyce

 

[CharKath]

Hi Cookie. I should of turned around. I didn't know we were in the same boat together. I've been sliding backwards for three weeks now. Last night I just couldn't keep the tears from coming. It went on for a solid hour and I only got three hours of sleep. I read here, but havent been able to write or join in. Just so unhappy. Existing isn't fun. There's no reason for keeping this up anymore. I have no close family and my friends do. I'm sure I wouldn't be missed. I do chores in the morning, work, chores at night and go to bed. Next day repeat. There's no point, definitely not getting better here. I just read in a book how I'll be a stronger and better person. Better? What was wrong with me before? Guess I must of been subparr with a husband. I'm just overwhelmed and tired of it. Sorry I can't give you any help, but your definitely not alone in this boat.

[kayc]

Janice,

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time of it.  I know this is all part of the journey, there is no magic pill for it, trust me, I would have found it by now.

Kath,

I hate to cliches, and to find them in a grief book is very disconcerting.  I wish they could realize that when people write/say certain words, there's a different interpretation that comes through to us.

[Gin]

This week is bad for me, also.  Everything seems pointless.  Everything is so sad.  I try keeping busy, but that does not help.  I am always on the verge of tears.  We are all struggling together. 

Gin

[Gwenivere]

There's so many of in this boat, I hope it can handle it.  I felt the bottom drop out a couple months ago and have been struggling for a reason to keep going since.  Feeling life is over is the worst feeling I've ever had.  To know I will be alone to face what's left of my life is more than sobering.  I'm in my 60's also so I am dealing with a failing body.  The hitch is I have no motivation to take much action.  So I can spend more limited time alone?  It's also hard knowing that I will never be the person I was with him.  I'm changing all right, but not into someone I want to be.  We would have both faced increasing limitations, but having a partner instead of being basically a recluse or hermit is so hard to face every day.  Not counting very brief interactions with strangers, I saw my grief counselor and one person I know for about an hour in a week.   Does not even compare to being able to share your life daily.   I can converse, but I am losing that quick banter we shared.  I just have nothing to say anymore.  And to who anyway?

I lost him and now I'm losing me.  It's bad enough living alone much less with the stranger I have become to myself.   

[brat#2]

1 hour ago, Gwenivere said:

Feeling life is over is the worst feeling I've ever had.  To know I will be alone to face what's left of my life is more than sobering.  I'm in my 60's also so I am dealing with a failing body.  The hitch is I have no motivation to take much action.  So I can spend more limited time alone?  It's also hard knowing that I will never be the person I was with him.  I'm changing all right, but not into someone I want to be.  We would have both faced increasing limitations, but having a partner instead of being basically a recluse or hermit is so hard to face every day.  Not counting very brief interactions with strangers, I saw my grief counselor and one person I know for about an hour in a week.   Does not even compare to being able to share your life daily.   I can converse, but I am losing that quick banter we shared.  I just have nothing to say anymore.  And to who anyway?

I lost him and now I'm losing me.  It's bad enough living alone much less with the stranger I have become to myself.   

You put into words what I've been feeling the last couple of days.  I try not to think too far ahead in my life, but that's not easy to do and all I can think about is how alone I will be.  What is the purpose for it? 

Joyce

 

 

[enna]

Many of us have been where some of you are now. The pain can seem unbearable at times. It does help to do some reading about what happens after the first year. Here is one link I found very helpful and the readings helped me to seem not so "crazy".  

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2012/02/grief-in-second-year-finding-your-way.html  

[marsha]

Cookie, I can't take credit for this statement, but essentially - year one, they're dead. Year two...they're still dead. I know for myself, I think there was this thing in my mind. I've done the effing grief work, I've read all the books, I've made it through year one - so where's my reward? Illogical as it sounds, that's where my mind was at. It's like I had to accept THAT as yet another part of grieving. Oh, yeah, and another widow said "year two is like being on speed while in a straightjacket". I can attest to that. You're not alone in how you feel, sweetie. 

[iPraiseHim]

1 hour ago, marsha said:

Cookie, I can't take credit for this statement, but essentially - year one, they're dead. Year two...they're still dead. I know for myself, I think there was this thing in my mind. I've done the effing grief work, I've read all the books, I've made it through year one - so where's my reward? Illogical as it sounds, that's where my mind was at. It's like I had to accept THAT as yet another part of grieving. Oh, yeah, and another widow said "year two is like being on speed while in a straightjacket". I can attest to that. You're not alone in how you feel, sweetie. 

I agree.  When I was at almost a year I found out that this grief journey is not over.  I don't know how I made through the first days, or weeks, or months.  at eighteen months , the level of grief is both intense and different that the initial "Shock and Awe" phase. The last few weeks have been intensely  rough for me.  Is it the temperature, water, air, etc... I don't know ? 

I function... sort of.  The reality of the reality of the death of beloved wife is the hardest to deal with. Loneliness, lack of companionship, increased body pains, and emotional grief all takes its toll.  

What I do know is that this is a process. 

1) Feelings are not FACTS but they still point me to something.  I know that ignoring, the, burying them, or refusing to face them is not the answer.

2) I need to make sure that my personal care is maintained.  I can easily fall offtrack, by not getting enough quality rest, Eat Healthy meals, Drink enough clean water, and move ( exercise) . 

3) Don't H.A.L.T. Get too hungry, angry, lonely, or tired.

4) Seek out the help I need when I hit these rough patches.  (Write, share, journal, pray)

5) As a Christian, I know there is a purpose in all this and that God is Sovereign (Rules over everything.).  So I thank God everyday for all things, ask for Grace, and an opportunity to serve him and be more like Christ.  A simple prayer, that I often say is  " Lord, help me!"

6) I pray you will find your way through, one moment at a time. 

7) This is a safe place.  Come here and share it all: the Good, the Bad, and the Ugly. - Shalom

 

[Gin]

George,

how do you do #3?  The lonely part.  That is the worst part, lately.

Gin

[Gwenivere]

That is a tough one and good question, Gin.  Especially for those of us that have no one to turn to.  Thank gawd for the phone as I have no one locally I can reach out to that would understand.   

[iPraiseHim]

22 hours ago, Gin said:

George,

how do you do #3?  The lonely part.  That is the worst part, lately.

Gin

That is a tough one that I still struggle with.  I push myself to not isolate myself further from life.  I go to church when I don't FEEL like it. And I reach out to others.  I come here and read the posts and try to help others who are grieving. I make a gratitude list  to review when I'm in a dark place and I pray often.  I find it is the hardest one to do  because I loved my wife so deeply and I miss that connection. I'm working on trying to recall every good memory I can to help balance out the feelings of grief that bring me to despair. 

It's a work in progress. One bad days, I remind myself that God's Grace and Mercy is new and fresh every morning.  I also play certain music that lifts my spirits and use therapeutic grade essential oils.  I keep searching for ways to be less lonely.  I am considering joining another group to be around other people.  Search for what works for you.  - Shalom

[Polly]

3 hours ago, Gin said:

George,

how do you do #3?  The lonely part.  That is the worst part, lately.

Gin

Yep, right there with you. It's the worst.

[kayc]

I try to strike a balance, I have my solitude, but I also have regular times out with other people, volunteering, church, etc.  Still, it's probably more alone time than I'd like.  I'm feeling it right now because I'm missing out on my usual activities, being at home, sick.  I'm going to go stircrazy before I get well, I'm afraid!

[rdownes]

So sorry for everyone's hard days I know I am still the newbie to grief but I need to believe at some point it will be more dealable, more manageable I don't like the person I am becoming I need to find the new me while holding on to Kevin I am only 46 have so many years to go I know what I want to do but can't seem to find the way I just keep getting sucked back into the loneliness and sadness, but somehow we all need to find our sense of hope and peace or soulmates would not want us miserable.Hugs to everyone.

[enna]

I don’t have advice for anyone in early grief but I can tell you what worked for me after reading and learning about what was “normal” in grief.

Don’t allow anyone to take away your grief. It is yours and yours alone.

When those feelings of deep sadness come don’t push them away. They will not last and you will feel better if you sit with your sadness for a while.

If you need to cry by all means cry. You will stop. I used to look in the bathroom mirror and cry and even scream and then I sometimes ended up laughing because I looked so silly. It did release some stress.

When you are in the grocery store and start to have a meltdown – leave. I still have a hard time going down the cookie isle. Jim loved Nutter-butters and Oreos.

There will be people in your life who think you are not “moving on” – drop them – they are not your friends. It’s OK because you will find other people who will allow you to be who you are now.

You will forget things so make lists. You are not going “crazy” your mind is just on overload and making lists is a good way to remind you of things you have to do.  This will not last long so just be patient.

I still take naps because grief is hard work.

Writing is very important to me. I write in a journal. In the beginning, I did not notice changes I was making but going back and reading what I wrote helped me to see some progress.

We all hear about the need to eat healthy, rest, exercise, and keep hydrated. There is truth in that. The last thing we want to do is take care of ourselves. We all ask WHY?

Today I take the time to meditate, I do QiGong because of my health issues and it is something I can do easily. And at the end of each day, I write on a piece of paper something I was grateful for that day. Those papers go in a jar and at the end of each month I take them out and read them. I did not start doing this until after the second year because it took me that long to even think of being grateful.

It is true – there is no right or wrong way to grieve – there is only your way.

Being here is a gift you have given yourself. 

[rdownes]

You are do right all I do is ask why bother, Kevin is just gone and never coming back no matter what I do I will always be minus my other half so why try. I feel like no matter how much I don't want grief to win it seems to be winning every battle lately, I miss who I was and I don't know how to get that back. I try and keep getting sucked back into the black hole I know no one can end this pain for me anymore than I can anyone elses it just hurts beyond words I know Kevin wants me to stay here and be here for our kids and grandkids I will try some of your suggestions. Thank you

[Cookie]

3 hours ago, enna said:

I don’t have advice for anyone in early grief but I can tell you what worked for me after reading and learning about what was “normal” in grief.

 

Don’t allow anyone to take away your grief. It is yours and yours alone.

 

When those feelings of deep sadness come don’t push them away. They will not last and you will feel better if you sit with your sadness for a while.

 

If you need to cry by all means cry. You will stop. I used to look in the bathroom mirror and cry and even scream and then I sometimes ended up laughing because I looked so silly. It did release some stress.

 

When you are in the grocery store and start to have a meltdown – leave. I still have a hard time going down the cookie isle. Jim loved Nutter-butters and Oreos.

 

There will be people in your life who think you are not “moving on” – drop them – they are not your friends. It’s OK because you will find other people who will allow you to be who you are now.

 

You will forget things so make lists. You are not going “crazy” your mind is just on overload and making lists is a good way to remind you of things you have to do.  This will not last long so just be patient.

 

I still take naps because grief is hard work.

 

Writing is very important to me. I write in a journal. In the beginning, I did not notice changes I was making but going back and reading what I wrote helped me to see some progress.

 

We all hear about the need to eat healthy, rest, exercise, and keep hydrated. There is truth in that. The last thing we want to do is take care of ourselves. We all ask WHY?

 

Today I take the time to meditate, I do QiGong because of my health issues and it is something I can do easily. And at the end of each day, I write on a piece of paper something I was grateful for that day. Those papers go in a jar and at the end of each month I take them out and read them. I did not start doing this until after the second year because it took me that long to even think of being grateful.

 

It is true – there is no right or wrong way to grieve – there is only your way.

 

Being here is a gift you have given yourself. 

 

Enna:  you are beautiful; what you wrote gave me peace.  Thank you so much for your entry....Cookie

[Widowedbysuicide]

Thank you Anne!  Huge hug to you for sharing.

[enna]

Thank you so much, Marita. I like hugs. Our pain does not go away it only becomes more manageable. Death is REALITY. If you wish, I have also found that the posts under Grief and Loss have helped me along this path. My heart just hurts for those who are here but for me, it has proven to be less lonely. 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Anne, I have recently joined a walking group for widows and I wondered if I could have permission to share your words of wisdom  from your post, what you have learned.

I can understand if you wish to keep it here, but I thought I would ask.

[enna]

Of course, Marita, what I post here is for anyone in grief. I hope your walking group is helping you both physically as well as mentally.