Am feeling alittle annoyed at Kevin's family

[kayc]

8 hours ago, Marg M said:

he said "I got all I needed from Daddy."   "I had his love."

I love this!  I don't understand families that squabble over stuff either.  

Marg, You are so right, someday they'll face this loss.  It's a sad but real thought.

[Clematis]

I think you're right, Marg, about the choices. My father outlived my mother by 11 years. He was devastated by her loss and I remember him saying to me many times in the beginning that it made no sense to him that she was gone and he was still alive. How could that even be? I just tried to be there for him and to listen to anything he had to say. He liked to listen to music, especially to a guy playing a guitar and singing songs that were very familiar. Certain songs would make him openly weep, in a restaurant or wherever he was. When he took a break, musician would come over to check on my dad and ask if he should not play the songs. My dad would say "oh no”, and say that those were his favorite songs. We were both tip the guy on the way out. These musicians got to know us and kept track of the songs that my dad responded to, playing them every time they saw us This happened in a favorite restaurant and also in a bar on a cruise my dad and I went on twice…same cruise, same guitar player.

At some point Daddy moved into saying that he didn't want to die, but didn't see how he could keep on living if he had no purpose. Before, his purpose in life had been my mother, but she was gone and he needed a new purpose. One day, two or three years after my mother died, He told me he had found a new purpose. He looked at me and said, "my purpose in living now is you”, and explained that he wanted to be family to me, be there for me, and help me in anyway he could. I was stunned and honored that he felt that way and openly said so.

I had made the same commitment to him when I ask him to move across the country, because to me it would've been cool to do otherwise. How could I ask a faltering man of almost 80 to move across the country to live two minutes from my door and not absolutely commit to never abandoning him? But don't force him to reciprocate. Little did I know until he died how totally taking care of him and trying to save him had become my purpose, and that it would make me feel so lost after his death. It's funny – people used to think we had this idyllic relationship and I thought they were nuts because we sometimes got irritated with each other. Now I realize they were right – I just couldn't see the ocean because I was in the middle of it.

Maybe now my purpose is Lena…

[KATPILOT]

3 hours ago, Marg M said:

 I cannot look at other couples with envy.  I had Billy 54 years.  Some had lots less.  There are friends and relatives whose husbands and wives are still living and I am so happy for them.  In the back of my head though is the knowledge that one will face this pain.   My heartfelt feelings are with people that have or will lose their reason for living.  But, we go on.  The only choice we have is really not a choice.  

Marg my feelings exactly. Sure I wish I could have had more years with my bride but when I see couples together I get a happy feeling inside. Sometimes I want to go up to them and say "Enjoy your time with each other for you never know when it might end'' but why put a downer to their moment?  One year ago I was in Maui celebrating my anniversary and all around me were couples in love. It didn't make me sad but rather it gave a smile to my heart for I remebered that once I was where they are now. It was five years before that I was part of a couple walking along the beach or watching the sunset.  A lot of people just don't realize the importance of being loved after someone dies. They focus on the wrong things.

Not being able to say no might be something to address Marg but I wouldn't call it a mental illness. What might better fall into that category is not being able to say "yes".

[kayc]

14 hours ago, Clematis said:

Little did I know until he died how totally taking care of him and trying to save him had become my purpose, and that it would make me feel so lost after his death.

This is why it's so especially hard on caregivers when they're gone because we've also lost identity and purpose.  Anyone who has ever been a full time caregiver comes to realize that after loss...it's like we don't know what to do with ourselves now.  Of course this can be true for anyone whose life was wrapped up in someone else.

[Clematis]

That is so true, Kay, and I had no idea. I really thought that I'd miss him and then I'd go on and do all of the things I hadn't been doing because I was so involved in taking care of him and just spending time with him. But the truth is, that's what I wanted to be doing - it wasn't like it was a sacrifice and I'd give anything to have it back.

I had no idea it would be so hard. Of course it compounded the grief issues that within four months of his death, my beloved aunt died, I essentially lost my sisters, and was in a car accident. It's funny - when I write that and look at it, it's readily apparent that I have been knocked down repeatedly and anyone would be staggering. But I seem to keep wondering what is wrong with me that I don't have my old energy and stamina, and it's so hard to get going with things - working full time, cleaning out my dad's house, and everything else. 

[MartyT]

Grief is like that, Laura. Remember how it feels when you're sick with a bad cold and you sort of forget what it's like to feel healthy and well? You're so immersed in how you feel in the moment that it's difficult if not impossible to imagine ever feeling any differently. Also, when we're at a low point in life (as in mourning the loss of a loved one) in our minds we tend to exaggerate how strong and energized we used to feel, forgetting that there were many times in life when we may have felt discouraged, fearful, or hopeless. The thing about grief is that it changes, and over time you will change in your reactions to it. The key, I believe, is to be patient with yourself, without passing judgment on where you're supposed to be or how you're supposed to feel. Be where you are with it right now, and have faith that you won't feel this way forever.  ♥

[kayc]

Actually, Laura, I think you're pretty amazing!  I look at the pictures of you out camping, with Mr. Cello, your bicycle...

I haven't ridden a bike since I was young, still don't play an instrument, and haven't camped since George died!  Yet look at what you're tackling, like it's nothing!

[Clematis]

Thank you, Kay! And I really appreciate your comments, Marty - I think you are right. When I was going through my stuff this summer while trying to consolidate it with my dad's stuff, I came across something interesting. I had developed the view looking back that when I lost my job in 2009 I had been so paralyzed that I was really doing nothing. I remember lying on the floor with my cello or guitar feeling so despondent that I was waiting to stop breathing. Then I would get bored, get up and resume practicing. That's all I remembered - and my amazement that my dad helped me financially and didn't think I was a lazy slug. But while cleaning I came across the evidence of what I had actually been doing when I lost my job. In a panic and desperation I was trying everything to find a new path. I was in a long term, maniacal frenzy of activity. I got up at 4:30 every morning and practiced jazz guitar for three hours, hoping to get work playing restaurant gigs. (I had done a little of this but not much.) I ended up with a serious hand injury and was unable to play the guitar for years. I also decided to go to nursing school and did the CNA course one summer, followed by doing all the prerequisites in one year. One semester I had 21 credit hours of math and science. I was also playing in three music groups, taking care of my dad, and working part time. I barely slept. I felt horribly guilty when I realized nursing was not for me and quit the program. I dreaded telling my dad, but he didn't care about that.

This time, I couldn't do that. Not with a head injury. I have been boxed into handling this in a reasonable manner. I keep struggling with guilt and fear. I have been trying very hard to do my new part time and temporary work without a hitch and it's hard to not fret about every little thing. My computer was off to Tennessee for repairs for six days, three of which I was camping. I tried to use my dad's computer when I got back and that was awkward using different programs. I got mine back and it was an exhausting mess with many long phone calls to Apple to get it running. I couldn't access my email and calendar from the school district and Tuesday was unable to get to a meeting due to my computer struggles, so I participated by phone. Although I have seen people do this for over a decade - it has never been me and I was horrified that I wasn't there. But today I was at that particular school and realized that no one was bothered by that and furthermore everyone is overwhelmed and scrambled - not just me.

Sorry - that was kind of wordy. But I really appreciate the support from both of you and the perspective - it's really helpful.

[JJ660]

I am sorry you're being treated this way. It looks like a lot of other people on here are too. I hope you're able to turn to family and friends for support.

I was actually thinking about this same topic tonight. My inlaws live 3+ hours away, and it especially hard because I have a 5-month old daughter. They have been nice and helpful, but when it comes to getting together, I feel like I'm last to know; if I'm even invited at all. Its difficult already, but I really need their encouragement. It is so challenging grieving, working full-time, and trying to be a parent.

[Margm]

I know this is going to sound ugly JJ, but have you checked to see if they have a pulse.  They have a granddaughter and they are not coming around?  Impossible (for me).  My mom and dad were terrible grandparents.  I actually did not let my kids stay with them because I didn't want to subject my kids to their coldness.  Thankfully, Billy loved kids so much and kids loved him.  He was a fabulous father and grandfather.  I never could understand anyone that do not want to  lavish love on those babies.  My 17-year-old granddaughter lives with me and lived with us most of her life.  

I'm sorry if I spoke out of line, but I cannot understand them not coming around that baby.  But of course, you need love and attention also..  I hope you have family.  I have not read any of your notes up until the one above, but I have been known to speak out of turn.  

[JJ660]

Marg - We all work, so maybe that's the challenge? It was a little easier when I was on leave. But now, plans are made a day or two prior, which makes it challenging for me. There are maybe 1 or 2 other family members I hear from on his side, otherwise it's silence.

I wrote this in another post, but there was a major family event a few months ago, and my daughter was not included in the family photos.  I almost said something, but I didn't want to stir the pot. I guess it will be their loss when they look back and realize she's not in them. The photos of my daughter with them are almost always ones I have taken. 

Maybe they're all still grieving and I need to give it time? I don't know. It's hard doing this without a lot of family.

How neat you helped raise your granddaughter. I'm sure you two have lots of fond memories to look back on. Grandma's are very special. I sure miss mine.

 

 

[Clematis]

1 hour ago, Marg M said:

I cannot understand them not coming around that baby...

I'm with Marg! My mother was a total narcissist and it was unclear if she actually liked her kids - although she did take care of us. But she was enraptured by her grandchildren - all the cuteness and none of the responsibility - and they're relatives? What's not to fall in love with? I don't know, JJ - people do grieve differently, and they certainly can be really nasty about it. Maybe they'll come around in time...

[kayc]

13 hours ago, Clematis said:

furthermore everyone is overwhelmed and scrambled - not just me.

That such a true realization!  In other words, could you have put a lot more expectation on yourself than was realistic to meet?

[Clematis]

5 hours ago, kayc said:

That such a true realization!  In other words, could you have put a lot more expectation on yourself than was realistic to meet?

Yes! And a LOT more than was realistic! 

[Clematis]

I was thinking this morning that I'm starting to get it together a little more at work. And then I realized on the way home that my shirt was inside out.

[Margm]

I would buy shoes that I liked in different colors.  They were dressy and comfortable.  My hose were on, I had to jump in my shoes fast and head out.  Got to work and had a beige shoe on and a black one.  Tried to stay close to my desk.  Oh, I got laughed at.

[Gin]

I did that, too.  I got to church and had  on a black and blue shoe.

[Clematis]

Maybe no one noticed my shirt. It was a black scoop-neck T-shirt. Maybe it doesn't matter if they did notice.

[kayc]

I also did that once, wore a navy shoe and a black shoe to church.  If anyone noticed they didn't say so, but I was self conscious!