Lost my best Friend/Love/Soul mate - Somewhat Complicated

[kayc]

It IS hard to learn to go on doing things without the other person, with time we adjust although we may never grow to relish it.  I hope you are enjoying Japan though and are proud of yourself for making the effort.

[Finch]

 

Thanks Marita and Kay. I really appreciate the support. Marita, I'm glad you keep getting up and I send positive thoughts to you to support you in this. I can relate to the guilt feelings. Kay... yes. it is so hard to learn. I guess this trip is my first big learning curve since I lost her. The first big thing I've done without her. I am finding moments I enjoy, for sure, when I live in the moment and don't think too much about the bigger picture. It's just it's hard not to think. And it's hard to change the reflex habit in my head to want to tell Crystal about everything I see or do. It's so lonely and sad and just WRONG without her. It's so hard to look at something beautiful or magical or fun. Because there wasn't a day in 12 years I didn't share those things with her. And then I start feeling the regrets about what could have been with our relationship and it spirals from there.

 

I am a bit proud of myself for making this trip, even though it is hard to admit. 

 

Tomorrow I'm visiting the Fushimi Inari Shrine, in Kyoto.

It's a series of thousands of giant orange gates over a path leading up a mountain and temple. 

That particular Shrine inspired an art installation in Central Park in New York in 2005 - which was one of Crystal's favourites. Some art pieces she got very passionate about. That was one of them. 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Gates#Inspirations

I think it's going to be really emotional to go there and to climb that mountain. But I just have to do this for her. I can't come all the way to Japan and not go to the place that inspired one of her favourite art pieces. She would fuss at me so much. I have to get through it. I've come this far.

[kayc]

I hope you enjoy it, let us know about it later, okay?

1 hour ago, Finch said:

I am finding moments I enjoy, for sure, when I live in the moment

That is so important!

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello Finch,

I was just thinking about you and wanted to say hello.  I'm hoping your visit is going well.  Take care of yourself.  

Marita

[Finch]

Hi Marita,

 

Thanks very much for thinking of me.

 

I am now back in the UK. I arrived back last night. The flight was ok.

Looking back on the trip, it was very emotional, with both happy and sad moments. I am glad that I did it and I experienced alot of things. I'm glad I survived it.

I asked Crystal if she was proud of me for making the trip. I hope she is. I know she would be. I thought about her non-stop and kept imagining her there with me. Every moment. I used to do that anyway wherever I went. Given that she was never there physically. I always imagined what it would be like to hold her hand.

When I reached the top of the Fushimi Inari mountain (with the orange gates), I wrote her a message in my notebook telling her I did it for her and that I love her. I also prayed at the Shrine even though I'm not really a praying person. I also bought a fairly tacky orange gate souvenir. It would have made her smile. I loved buying her things. She would get so excited.

I feel a bit in limbo now I am back! Not sure what to do with myself.

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

I'm glad to know you are back safely Finch.

It took a lot of courage on your part to even make the trip.  You turned what might have been a disaster into some sweet memories.  I think it is awesome that you can create new memories of your life with Crystal.  

Keep being strong Finch.  Thinking of you from the Canadian side of the big pond.

Marita

[Margm]

Marita, I wanted to go to British Columbia since many years ago I read a book by Margaret Cravens (hope I got her name right) "I Heard an Owl Call My Name."  It was sad.  I bought the DVD and cry every time I watch it, but it was so beautiful.  I think it was in a Native Canadian (Indians?) tribe's small place.  They played Amazing Grace at the end and I just lost it.  It can be sad, but it can also be uplifting for the knowledge the priest learned after getting sick.  A different people, but they were his people at the end of the story. 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hi Marg,

I Heard the Owl Call My Name was one book that has stuck with me since elementary school.  http://eolit.hrw.com/hlla/novelguides/hs/Mini-Guide.Craven.pdf .  

 Another was called Son of Raven Son of Deer.  http://twinkleshappyplace.blogspot.ca/2010/07/introduction-to-son-of-raven-son-of.html

These two books were part of the curriculum back in the mid to late 60's.  I have lived on Vancouver Island for most of my nearly 60 years.  The places named in the books became very familiar to me as I wanted to read more about the peoples, times and places.

Funny that I can remember this... I guess my memory banks aren't totally frozen, lol.  Thanks for the reminder  

[Margm]

I will see if I can get them on Kindle, only thing is, don't care to be sad.  Billy sent off for the DVD for me without me knowing.  I can still see the native cemetery with one grave having a sewing machine for a tombstone as they buried with their most valued/loved things. 

I have carried out five big bags of trash that was moved accidentally.  Cannot find my scissors and know I have at least 10 pair somewhere.  Need to lay down shelving in my cabinets.  Finally got out my stainless steel.  We have been eating with plastic-ware.  Now my biggest problem is what to do with all the empty boxes.  (I don't have enough empty to worry about right now.. 

[kayc]

4 hours ago, Finch said:

I asked Crystal if she was proud of me for making the trip. I hope she is. I know she would be.

That is the important thing to remember, that they are proud of us and love us still.  Glad you're back home, Finch!  And glad your trip was a positive one.

[WolfsKat]

On 7/17/2016 at 1:25 PM, Finch said:

I asked Crystal if she was proud of me for making the trip. I hope she is. I know she would be

Dear Finch.........of course she was......and I believe with all of my heart that she was, in fact, "with you" in your journey, even if not in the physical sense.  She would be happy for you to have made the trip, and wanting you to find some happiness and peace.....and wishing that you knew just how much more happiness would be in your future.....even without her!  Honor the love you two shared by trying ( yes, I know how hard it IS) to live what you have of your life here, fully.....she would wish that for you, as I know you'd wish that for her, were the circumstances reversed. Be well, try to be happy, and be at peace.

[Finch]

Hello. 


Me again.


I am facing a dilemma.


It is now 7 months since I lost Crystal. I waited and waited and waited, but now, I have finally contacted her father via Facebook. I was not sure if he knew about me or not, but from his reply, it appears he didn't. Crystal seemingly kept our relationship entirely secret, apart from her husband knowing, none of her other family or friends knew.

Crystal had given me his contact details should we ever lose touch, so she clearly was ok with me contacting him. I waited so long because I didn't want to cause him stress or complicate his own grieving. But finally, I felt the time was right. I was so worried he wouldn't reply, but he did.

In my message I said we were friends/penpals that over the years exchanged letters, emails and gifts, and shared things in our lives. I didn't want to go any heavier on details than that because I don't want to cause him any undue stress or cause any problems.

He thanked me for my words and was really, really nice. He is happy for me to message him again and seemed to be encouraging it. He also said how much pain he is in and how his focus is now entirely on her kids. When he said this I really wanted to open up to him and tell him how much I actually care about Crystal and her family.

I don't know how much of our relationship to imply to him. I feel so strongly that I need him to know that I am more than just another friend, that I watched her kids grow up from afar. I feel so invisible, ethereal, like our relationship never happened and I feel like it's so unfair that it's not acknowledged or known by anyone in her life. It still feels like until I do something about this, I'll have no closure. 

Her husband will have likely completely swept any trace of me under the carpet. I keep imagining him destroying or throwing away all the letters and things I sent her over the years. That hurts alot. I guess I cannot blame him.

I want to really share in her dad's grief by letting him know just how much I miss her as well. I want to be part of it. I want to tell him all the wonderful stories she told me about her family. Or send him photos she sent me that maybe he hasn't seen. 

I kept the sending of this message as a beacon of hope in my head, like once I finally sent it, somehow things would be so much better. 

It's certainly made things feel more real, actually connecting with him.

I recognise though that I might cause alot of trouble if I open up about everything. And the very last thing I want to do is cause stress to the family, especially the kids. And if Crystal didn't mention me then she must have wanted it to stay secret.

 

And it would doubtless be a shock to him. Some stranger knowing everything about her life.

All things considered, his reply could have been alot worse, especially if he did know about me.

 

It's just that this was something I was working towards, and now I've done it, I don't know what I am supposed to aim for next.

 

I'm fairly sure he'll tell me where she was laid to rest if I ask. At least there is that. I need to know that.

 

 

 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Hello Finch,

I'm glad you were able to contact Crystal's father and that his response was a reasonably good one.  I think I would have been too fearful.  My brain is always focused on the worst case scenario when it comes to me, but with other people I seem to have a more  optimistic outlook.

Whatever you decide to do with future contact I'm sure you will thoroughly think it through.  Only you can know what is right for you.

Here's hoping for continued messages.

Marita

 

 

[kayc]

I agree with Marita's response.  It had to be hard to make that contact.  There's a lot to consider...what can be gained from letting him know, what distress it could cause him (or her kids if shared).  I know it's hard not having external validation of the relationship, but SHE validated it, so your love continues to exist regardless of her death.  It's a hard place to be in, kind of like in limbo, but you're handling it as best as you know to.  I hope you get what you're seeking for.

[Finch]

Thanks. It's a tough balancing act.

 

And yes... the validation we had between us should be enough... but I need more.

 

I'm not even sure what it is I am seeking specifically. It feels like I am grasping for some kind of continuation of connection to the things in her life.

 

[WolfsKat]

Dear Finch.......all I can say is....be cautious.  Learning that his daughter had "another life" may cause irreparable damage to her father.....at a time when he may have grave difficulty dealing with the knowledge.  She did not choose to make her family aware of what she had shared with you.....not, I believe, as a negation of it's importance, but having an awareness of the potential pain it would cause.  Of course, this is ultimately your decision alone......but hold off for a space of time, perhaps.....get on an even keel, and revisit the idea?

[KATPILOT]

Finch I get the impression that the husband would not care to discuss her relationship with you with her father. That being the case, it might be prudent to let her father remain without the details for he will still be having to deal with the husband to be in a good place to enjoy his grandchildren. Her father might have mixed feelings and even begin to judge something that can no longer matter. I understand the need to share feelings with others that knew her. It's natural that you would desire that. I know I would yet sometimes it can create more harm to others than comfort to you. I knew someone once who lost a father and discovered he had an affair while married to their mother. It was quite upsetting.  I know your situation is different but what went on between you and Crystal even without having sex or even meeting, was still a love affair. This is just food for thought. You will know what's best to do since you are closer to the situation than any of us.

[Finch]

Thanks WolfsKat and KATPILOT for your words of advice about being cautious. I realise this is the sensible approach.

I decided not to let on at all about the true nature of my relationship with Crystal, at least not now. It's not fair on her father to drop such a bombshell, especially when he is heavily grieving himself. He was so kind to me in his initial reply and didn't seem at all taken aback when I said I was a penpal who corresponded with her for many years. He said it was a blessing to know she had this friendship and had so many good friends near and far.

I just feel so sad and frustrated like I am behind a window or one way mirror, banging on it and the rest of Crystal's family and friends are on the other side going about their lives. 

 

Here I am, actually exchanging messages with Crystal's father... and yet I can't truly be me. I am having to exercise such restraint.

It feels a bit like I am walking a tightrope in trying to balance what I am saying to him. I have drafted a reply to his reply and re-written it one hundred times. Every time I take a step back and read it through objectively, I have to ask myself.... would someone who was just a friend say this? Is it normal for someone who says he is a penpal that never met her, to ask where her grave is so he can visit it if he ever visits the US? Is it normal to ask how her dogs are or the new house is? I don't see why not. I just need to make sure that I don't get carried away and overdo it.

I know that I am the only person that can truly judge what to say and what is appropriate. 

 

 

 

 

[Margm]

One of my friends and her husband of many, many years were going through a revolving door at a department store.  He did not make it all the way through and was gone by the time the EMT's got to him.  In getting all his papers in order my friend discovered not one, but many email "affairs" that her husband had.  I remember one year he gave her a cremation urn for her birthday.  He gave some expensive necklace to one of his email affairs.  I think she used the urn for her husband's cremains.  

She did get into his email account and had to inform all his friends that he had passed away.  

[Finch]

I dread to think about her husband going through our letters and emails and her phone etc. Reading our personal correspondence. It makes me feel sick. But as her husband it's his right I guess.

They didn't love each other. Like, love love. He even saw another woman for a while himself. 

[Gwenivere]

You are right, only you can make the choice of what you do.  I feel it is playing with fire to add to the family's grief.  She said she and her husband didn't love each other, but some serious damage could be done by interjecting yourself into her family at this point adding another spear of pain.  As you never physically met, you will have to consider your needs against theirs.  And what would be accomplished for both of you.  Does he need to know this about his wife?  Would that make you feel better in some way and why?  You won't be able to talk to them as a part of thier life and grief.  It's hard to grieve alone, but we also have the choice not to add to others pain in hopes of lessening our own and you might find it doesn't help you and not everything you knew was factual, a side effect of online only relationships.  I know you didn't ask my advice, but there have been times in my life that I knew my needs or wants would only complicate things for the worse.   I know you feel this was very real, but it is not the same as a physical relationship.  Grief is such a fragile thing, affects many people with families.  All parties have to be considered.

This is purely my take in on it and you can tell me to butt out.  I can take it as it was unsolicited.

[Finch]

 

I appreciate your opinion and input on the matter.

I don't want to add to anyone's pain. I don't want to do anything that even has a chance of causing any distress to her children. I don't want to add to or complicate anyone else's grief.

I have no wish to engage in any way with the husband. He knows more than enough about me anyway. 

I am just struggling in finding my way through dealing with this unusual situation. I feel like I am being denied the ability to properly grieve her or deal with the loss of her, through the impractical circumstance of our unconventional relationship, which I accept is a situation of my own creation, for not being brave enough to meet her and for us not ending up physically with each other. Her family played no part in that and it's not fair to punish them for my faults. I am having to accept that I am now cut off entirely from her life. I will no longer play any significant part in in any aspect of it. I have to absorb the pain and the loneliness of this big void in my life, the severing of a limb, and try not to redirect it towards those who do not deserve it. They are experiencing their own pain, their own despair, their own regrets, their own void, their own grief at losing a beloved mother and daughter. So I get what you are saying. I need to make sure I consider their needs and... suck it up.

 

But, yes, I do feel it was very real. I know it was real. It was as real a relationship as it could be, to both of us. We were there for each other, every single day, for 12 years, in virtually every way possible. It was unconventional, for sure. Unusual, probably. Odd, perhaps. But there was nothing that was not real about our love for each other. It was beautiful. I will die knowing it was as real as anyone else's love. And if she had not died, we would one day have physically met. I would have finally gathered up the courage to do it. We were getting there. We were speaking on the phone, on Skype. Breaking down my anxieties. Getting closer to finally reaching that moment. The moment we both dreamed about and talked about and joked about. She even came to London on vacation once, with her mother in law... and I stood outside her window, looking up to her as she looked down at me. That's how close we came. I'm such an idiot. That was the moment I keep replaying in my head, the moment I should have been brave enough. There were supposed to be more moments like that in the future. I waited too long.

 

 

 

[MartyT]

Finch, as Stephen said, even though you were never together physically, what went on between the two of you was still a love affair. I don't doubt for a minute that the feelings you had for this woman were real, just as the grief you're feeling now is real ~ even if your grief is not publicly recognized or sanctioned. As I said to you last April, yours is a classic example of Disenfranchised Grief, which leaves you feeling isolated and alone as you try to find ways to cope with it now. I wish you would go back and read the message I posted to you last April, along with the article I invited you to read, Mourning The Loss of A Dream. You need to find a way to process and come to terms with this loss ~ and constructing some sort of ritual (such as a private memorial service for your beloved) might be a good place to start. If you're unable to do this by yourself, it may be time to consider a few sessions with a qualified grief counselor.

Here is that post from April 6:

 

[Finch]

Thanks Marty. I remember that link, I did give it a read when you first posted it but I will do so again as my head is in a different place than a few months ago. I have actually been seeing a grief counselor for several months. It's helped me to process things to a degree and work through some stuff, particularly the regret side of things. I am also scheduled to have Cognitive Behavioural Therapy in a few months.

In addition to feeling like my grief is not publicly recognised/sanctioned as you say, I have so many unanswered questions surrounding the week she died. It's not just that I didn't get to say goodbye, alot of people don't get to say goodbye. It's also the fact that it all happened in another place with other people round her while I went crazy trying desperately to find out but not able to because I was a secret. So many things I want to know, feel I NEED to know, things it's normal for a loved one to know, but can never really ask and have to accept that. I will never know in any detail how her last days and hours were, and it feels like not knowing that betrays the significance of our love, betrays her and makes a mockery of our relationship.

 In terms of rituals, there is a tree that I go to in a woods in a local park in absence of not being able to visit her grave. I carved her initial into it. I have also written to her on occasion. None of it feels enough though. Contacting her father was supposed to be a big step forward in this respect.

 

 

 

 

[Widowedbysuicide]

Finch,

I wish there was a simple answer to all our questions.  Each of us loved and lost different people.  While the people and circumstances were not the same I believe the depth of the pain and disbelief we feel is much the same.

I can absolutely understand that you have a desperate feeling to know everything about her last days and about her place of burial.  Sadly, I don't think that knowing is going to give you any real peace.  You may find you want to know more and more, to the point of obsession.  I am fearful that it might cause you far more pain than peace and it could cause irreparable pain to her family.

Although the love you two shared was not public knowledge it was only the two of you that would have any real idea of the depth of your love.  You will have that knowledge for as long as you wish.  No one can take your perfect memories away from you.  I personally would cherish that.  

I say these things not to hurt you but to allow you to see things from a different perspective.  Crystal's children and other family members also have memories of her and hopefully they all are good memories.  For them to understand the relationship and love that Crystal shared with you is asking them all to be very 'open minded'.  The thought that comes to mind for me is that they would question what they had done wrong that she had to seek love from you.  That would be especially hard for children to cope with.  

Grief is cruel to those who love.  We all are in pain and have questions we feel need answers.  It's always a 'be careful what you wish for' situation.  We have to choose what is best for ourselves while understanding the cost to the other people that loved our 'precious love'. 

Finch, I really truly wish you well.  It is not easy to grieve.  I hope you are able to find something in what I've written that can help you.  Your grief counselling and the start of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy are both positive activities to participate in.  I also hope you will find peace in them and that you can move forward in your life to be more comfortable with living a little outside the box.

Take care friend.  

Marita