Annette

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

This two year anniversary is so hard. No one to help me through it like last year. It doesn't get any easier or better. Life isn't worth living without love. Thank you all for at least listening. It's like sending out an SOS on a telegraph, or a message in a bottle. I just am crying out to be heard. 

I don’t think they get any easier.  I’m facing 8 this year.  You’re right, what I have lost also is support from our friends. It’s here  that I met people that understand that just because the years have grown and I’m not screaming out now, the pain remains as intense.   For the reason you said, no love.  Not reciprocal love.  Knowing he would love me if he was here doesn’t help. I. never had any doubt about that.  Never thought how I’d feel if it vanished.  Now I know and I never wanted to. We also have to factor in the years that preceded a known terminal condition. Steve and my lives were changed in 2009 when he was diagnosed.  It is about distraction when we can find it.  My best is sleep now.  I love music, the irony is Steve was a musician.  Doesn’t take my mind off him.  
 

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

I would get me a $50,000 stereo and let 'er rip

I have a neighbor like that, he has neighbors close by and still lets her rip.  Annoys us all, his taste in music is not ours.  And I prefer it not hurt my ears or disturb my peace.  He's four houses down and I'm sorry for those next to him or across from him.

16 hours ago, V. R. said:

if I didn't have my piano, I don't know what I would do

I think there's a vast difference from playing the piano to drowning the neighbors out with rock music!  I can see playing the piano as healing, soothing, releasing.

16 hours ago, V. R. said:

It's a bit like a pressure cooker - if you block the valve and the vapour can't get out, the pressure cooker could explode

Great analogy!

Yesterday I came home and went to back my car into the carport and saw a tall skinny box I used to put soda cans into was crossways and several feet in front of it's usual spot, in my way, so had to get out and move it.  I laughed because I could see right away what had happened!  The feral cat (big) had used it to get up/down from the rafters and it collapsed from it''s weight, then got stuck in it and drug it halfway across the spot before escaping!  I wish it'd quit using my carport for it's abode!  Don't know why I'm sharing this here, just thought you guys could use the chuckle...

Rock music is very relaxing to me. I have a wide range of taste, and can appreciate a lot of different music (though I abhor Classical, and boy bands), unlike MY neighbors,  who (when it's Saturday Party Night especially) blast their crappy Mexican music with the booming bass- it's always the same crap and I don't like booming bass at all. I have slight tinnitus that is bothered by thumping bass, and I'm not playing my music after 9pm. I only have from 5 to 7 to listen. If I'm not able to play it, I get cranky. It settles my nerves. 

It's just another case of no one having consideration for anyone anymore. Kids have no discipline and can scream and run through your yard and nobody cares. The people let their dogs yap constantly here (as mentioned). It wasn't like this here when I was a kid. When I played music too loud then, the neighbors complained. At least I don't have my speakers outside! And in my old neighborhood in Tulsa, I got a compliment about my taste in music from a neighbor. 

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

And in my old neighborhood in Tulsa, I got a compliment about my taste in music from a neighbor. 

I heard today about the husband of one of the two teachers that was senselessly killed Tues. having a heart attack and passing away today. Why couldn't I have been so lucky. I didn't love Annette enough I guess. A member of a favorite 80's New Wave group passed away at the young age of 60, of natural causes... and I thought "Well, there's hope yet". 

I have tried and tried and tried to find the good in life, the positives...but I'm just tired of living. Tired of living without her. I don't want to anymore. I really just don't want to live anymore. I don't need therapy or hotlines- I know what they say. I wish I could keep living as a tribute to Annette, but I have failed. Either I'm just too lazy or have too much mental crap going on... I'm just not going to be an inspiration to anybody. I have no family support and no friends, nobody cares about me at all except a few people here- but you don't know me as a person, just words. I'm really kind of a selfish jerk and wasn't that great a husband. I like to think that I was and Annette was such a saint, she put up with me. 

I'm sorry to lay this on here, but I really have no one to talk to, and maybe this post will get me through another day, although that sucks.

I find your posts to be very articulate, thoughtful and heartfelt. You have made a difference in my life.

I don't see how, but thank you- sincerely. If I can express a viewpoint that helps anyone, then maybe I have a purpose. 

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

I heard today about the husband of one of the two teachers that was senselessly killed Tues. having a heart attack and passing away today. Why couldn't I have been so lucky.

I posted that article in the Vent thread this morning.  This was my first thought too.  I guess some are more resilient than others, like it or not.  Or maybe there's purpose still for us, IDK.

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm really kind of a selfish jerk and wasn't that great a husband.

I don't see it that way!  I think we're our own worst critics.

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

I'm sorry to lay this on here, but I really have no one to talk to, and maybe this post will get me through another day, although that sucks.

You’re using the forum exactly the reason it is here for.  To safely say anything you feel.  Yes, none of us can see each other (there is Zoom and phones for some who have connected), but there is a support here that is invaluable.  I could try and change your image of yourself, but only you. can really do that.  You have every right to feel as you do.  I weary of being told how ‘valuable' i am when I don’t feel it.  I felt it with Steve and it was real.  My continued existence is not to honor him.  I’m just not  terminal with anything.  My being alive is not a testament to him.  I want to be with him.  I cant have that  He reversed the situation and told me he’d want out too.  That speaks more to what made life meaningful for us.  You had that and lost it too.  That you feel as you do actually makes sense.

I hope, hope, hope that Annette understands that I am not equipped to be an inspiration to others and that my life is now just "doing time. I feel like I'm in prison- for an undetermined length of time. I even have photos of Annette on my wall, like a prison cell. The only way out is death. So many problems, and nothing to look forward to. I know you understand, Gwen. I'm sick of and bored with life, with TV for example, but if Annette was here I would be happy to be so bored. It's all about the company. 

It's not really that I have a low self opinion- I'm just a realist. If I were to join a dating site for widowers, it would be a farce. I'm not hideous, but I'm overweight, and certainly not traditionally handsome. My only income is Disability and I live in my childhood bedroom. Has anyone else here fallen so far in life? I have friggin tried to get a job (at Walmart, one of the few games in town). This town is nothing but fast food places and dollar stores, and I stunk at fast food when I was young. I worked at Taco Bell when I was 19 and literally couldn't get the trick of wrapping a burrito. I certainly haven't gotten more energy. There was a time in my 20's that I worked two jobs, in my 30's I was a store manager and the day before I turned 40 I walked out of my last retail job because of panic attacks, at Christmastime. Annette and I got by through tough times, and we didn't have money, but what we had was ours and we had love. What's the point of even working when it will only make me more miserable? I'm just doing my time, trying to just get to the end. I'd like a future, but I just don't see how. How do you start over at 50? Women my age have more baggage than Southwest. 

I know what you mean about "doing time", as if you're life's been put on hold and you're just watching the world go on without actually being a part of it. That's the way I feel, like I'm living in another dimension, completely alienated from what's going on around me,feeling like I have no purpose anymore,getting up at 5am every morning, hoping the day will pass quickly, unfortunately this time of year the days are never-ending, sun goes down at 9pm,already in 80s humid temperatures, it was still winter here until a couple of weeks ago, gone straight to Summer without passing through Spring. Tons of pollen around in the air, I'm still using my face mask to protect me from that, and not for Covid. Apart from my son and daughter of course, I only ever manage a smile when I watch our two lovely cats playing around in the yard, one of them is particularly good at catching rats and lizards. It's true what they say about pet therapy, but nothing will bring back my beloved though. I washed his car the other day, it's so precious to me, up until a few days ago my daughter would turn on the engine every now and then  just to keep it running for a while(I still haven't found the courage to sit inside it) but one day she said the battery was flat. I was heartbroken. 

Well, all I can say is that at least we have this group where we can say anything we want, knowing we are being understood. It may not heal us completely but releasing all our pain makes it just a bit more tolerable. 

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

You have every right to feel as you do.

Absolutely!  We all do.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

I weary of being told how ‘valuable' i am when I don’t feel it.

This is something I had to learn as I don't think I ever realized it before then...I'd always thought I had to be Mrs. Somebody to be of value.  No, we're valuable in and of ourselves.  Even if our body lets us down.  Even if we're growing old.  Even if no one is here to recognize it and we get no validation from anyone.  I've learned to do positive things for myself because I am worth it!  I think the rest of my life prior to George dying was me pleasing everyone else.

16 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 That you feel as you do actually makes sense.

Absolutely.  We feel as we feel.  It doesn't mean we're all in the same place or our journeys are the same.  They aren't, what I feel isn't the same as you feel, but all of our POV is valid.

15 hours ago, nashreed said:

my life is now just "doing time.

OMG, sometimes I feel this too, like prison, yes.  My incentive is Kodie, he is so sweet and loving and deserves the best, he gives me so much back, more than I could ever do for him.  To me, dogs are what humans can only strive for!

15 hours ago, nashreed said:

Women my age have more baggage than Southwest. 

Haha, I've found the same is true for men!  And everyone is set in their ways by this age...wait until they're 70! Ha!  Not like our 20s when we're still flexible...

8 hours ago, V. R. said:

It may not heal us completely but releasing all our pain makes it just a bit more tolerable. 

Yes.  And I thank God for this place and all of you.

I painted my front porch yesterday morning as I'd discovered Jack missed the rails, also the dog pen as everything peeled off it real bad, my guess is it had dirt on it when he painted it, it needed pressure washed and dried before he did it!  I took a wire brush to it and cleaned it off first.  My hands were killing me but I got it done.  Then it started raining, of course!  My fault for attempting a task like that!  I checked it this morning, it seems dry now.  Hopefully it doesn't all bubble/flake off...

I also got my lilacs trimmed, picked a large bouquet of them, the house smells fragrant now.

The lilacs are gorgeous.  I have 2 very tall bushes.  No way to reach the top where they bloom.  My mom had bushes they were accessible from ground to top. 

7 hours ago, kayc said:

I've learned to do positive things for myself because I am worth it! 

I wish i could think of something i could do for myself.  Aside from being able to take a really long shower and wear my regular clothes, it would be tasks to feel lI accomplished something on my own.   Those aren’t possible.  Pain has stolen my ability to do anything rewarding  

7 hours ago, kayc said:

To me, dogs are what humans can only strive for!

I sure hear you on that. Dogs have the perfect view of life.  They’re either engaged in it or sleep.  None of this thinking ahead of all the things that could go wrong.  I’m already down the road til late tonight and what I’m going to do.  Saw a bunny on one of my walks.  Probably the only time I  smiled all day.  
 

Got popcorn at movie time.  Didn’t stay long as I’m not a Dirty Harry fan.  Weekends are tough for entertainment.   My shows aren’t on to fill in certain times.  The fact I’m watching TV is so weird.  

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

  On 5/28/2022 at 5:57 AM, kayc said:

I've learned to do positive things for myself because I am worth it! 

Things like saying NO to other people.  It's hard for me, I guess I'm used to people demanding more and more but there's a limit and comes a time we can't keep going like we did when we were young.

7 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

 None of this thinking ahead of all the things that could go wrong.

For sure, dogs live in the moment..  

My son came last night with his 3 1/2 old puppy, Murray (30 lbs, Golden Retriever), he is nuts but sweet!  Huge feet/legs!  Kodie is getting a lot of exercise.

They're staying to tomorrow.  Too bad it's pouring rain!

I wish I felt dead inside, a ghost. I hate that I have this nagging need for a relationship. Before I met Annette, I was fine with being single, alone. I had no expectations of ever having a girlfriend, let alone wife. In a small way, I resent Annette for changing me into a loving, caring person who could love and be loved. She spoiled me, and left and now I have all this love inside and compassion and I have no one to give it too and it's eating me up inside. I had no idea I would miss having a partner, a confidant, a best friend so much. The teenage me lived by the lyrics of miserable, depressing songs- songs that talked about how there is no one for me, no love. I believed them, but I'm not that person anymore- yet I find myself back in the exact same place. 

I just want to walk into the deep end of the pool here. I think about it all the time. It would be scary, but it might be peaceful. I just can't stand this life anymore. 

I think it's natural if you are drowning that you fight to live, not a good feeling!  I think if you have no choice but to drown you might quit fighting it and peacefully die, but I think it'd have to be a forced situation (like in the ocean and no way out) as we fight for our lives, even if we don't want to live!  Survival instinct is pretty strong.

I'm the opposite, after this long I can't imagine being with someone.  I have the capacity to love but it's been so long I think it highly unlikely to happen after all this time.  I think it'd feel a relief not to have to do life alone all the time.  To have someone to care about, someone to go through thick and thin with.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm still married to my beloved husband, always will be. My wedding ring's going to stay on my finger and I'm wearing his on a gold neck chain. I respect totally others who have different ideas, who want to find new partners, a personal choice of course, I would never judge this. 

That's all well and good, and in theory I feel the same. In reality, I'm desperately lonely and the thought of not having a friend/partner for years and years makes the actual living very unappealing. Annette is irreplaceable. She was one of a kind, and I could never find another her, because there isn't one- but I don't want to be a bitter old man with no one in my life (except my brother, who's very annoying to me in a lot of ways). I don't like eyeing every female I see and thinking of a relationship with them- I hate it, but I'm human and, unfortunately, a man and that's just the way we are. 

Even one single friend would would help my outlook, but alas, no one gives two craps about me in the real world. Even here, I post and no one sees it until the next day. I want to scream from the street corner that I need a friend, but nobody cares. Everyone has their someone. I'm not any more relevant than homeless people sleeping on the street, and even they have friends probably. 

Hearing about the shooting in Tulsa yesterday threw me. That medical building is intimately familiar to me. It was one of three on one end right by the hospital, and Annette had doctors (at least one in every building) there. She had a lot of doctors. It's very sad. I just feel I'm just watching the degradation of society and the world, as a bystander. 

I know it would be wonderful to have someone to go thru thick and thin again.  But i also know it’s not going to happen.  Lightening isn’t going to strike twice.

Steve changed me.  I was always a happy, adventurous, positive person.  I knew love the best i could til i met him.  I knew that  was different.  It was going to leave a very painful mark as I didn’t expect it to last by his history.  But you don’t worry about that pain when your hormones are in overdrive.  He did a lot to make me resent him but nothing beats his dying. So I relate to You now.  It wasn’t his fault but there aren’t rules i have to be rational all the time.  I would suggest against comparing yourself to others.  No one really knows another persons life and the homeless existence is very misunderstood.  Also, not everyone has their someone. Lots of lonely people out there.  Ive been reading many articles of people having physical and mental problems from loneliness.  I have Dee, but still suffer from it.  I’ve had 2 staff people in here today that almost brought me to tears talking about how drastically my life has changed.  
 

i can’t relate to your life pre Annette.  But we wound up in the same place.  I hate this is all I think about and feel.  I miss happy and those memories haunt me.  They say you cant miss what you never had, but i get you seeing it all around you and knowing it was missing in your life.

15 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

They say you cant miss what you never had

But we all had it. 

On 6/2/2022 at 8:43 PM, nashreed said:

I'm desperately lonely and the thought of not having a friend/partner for years and years makes the actual living very unappealing. Annette is irreplaceable. She was one of

I know it probably won't make you feel better, but I think that all of us here will agree with you completely,and that we are all feeling exactly the same way. I remember  before I met my beloved, I was beginning to  think I was destined to live a lonely life, never meeting the 'right' person. Then he came along, I gave him all the love I had and he did the same, we devoted our whole selves to each other. Now he's gone, I haven't just lost him, I've lost myself too. I don't even feel human anymore, probably sounds crazy, but that's the way I feel. Apart from my kids and close family the whole world is just a cloud, thick fog in which I'm lost in. 

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/good-mourning/201906/the-loneliness-grief
https://www.hrrv.org/blog/loneliness-griefs-unintended-guest/
Loneliness: Grief’s Unintended Guest - Hospice of the Red River Valley
Loneliness and Solitude in Grief

10 hours ago, V. R. said:

I know it probably won't make you feel better, but I think that all of us here will agree with you completely,and that we are all feeling exactly the same way. I remember  before I met my beloved, I was beginning to  think I was destined to live a lonely life, never meeting the 'right' person. Then he came along, I gave him all the love I had and he did the same, we devoted our whole selves to each other. Now he's gone, I haven't just lost him, I've lost myself too. I don't even feel human anymore, probably sounds crazy, but that's the way I feel. Apart from my kids and close family the whole world is just a cloud, thick fog in which I'm lost in. 

I understand. At least you have your kids. I assume (and I'm sorry, I know what can happen when you assume) that all of the folks here have at least what could be considered friend. Not people that you can absolutely count on, but at least acquaintances that care enough to at least check in with you to catch up- I think you've all mentioned them. It's so hard to have no one, not one friend. Truly for nobody to care about you. Like discarded trash. 

It's just so odd to want a relationship again, because I am so miserable without a connection, without anyone. Even a bad relationship would be ok. I (again) assume that you all had several ok and not great relationships before finding your soulmate. I only ever had one. I never ever thought that I would find her. I was so socially awkward and inept that I didn't expect it and it was fine. It was so hard keeping Annette because I was so BAD at being a boyfriend. She broke up with me, wanted nothing to do with me. It took months and months to worm my way back into her life. But, in 30 years, we became love itself. She made me human. Now I'm back at square one and I see no hope, no future. I've tried to get a job, but all these jobs that are out there are a myth. Companies have figured out (from COVID) that they can do the same business with less workers (just work the ones they have to death) and if they say they're hiring, it's just for appearances. As if that would make me happy. 

I can't even get Annette's sister to text me back. She's busy, it's not her fault. She has a husband and a life and dogs galore. I just don't belong here. I have no purpose. 

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

Even a bad relationship would be ok.

No it is not!  You think it would be because you feel desperate for companionship, but I have been in them, several times, and trust me, being alone is WAY better than a bad relationship!  Being beat on, cheated on, no love or caring, someone trying to control you...those are horrible to live through!  Someone tearing you down, no, not good at all!  You might want to rethink this.

21 hours ago, nashreed said:

I just don't belong here. I have no purpose. 

You alone can find your purpose, develop it.  It takes finding what you care about and investing yourself in it.