Annette

[kayc]

18 hours ago, nashreed said:

Why do I still keep trying to improve my life?

Because the human has an incredibly strong built in survival mode.  Fortunately.  And all the wishing in the world doesn't seem to make us die.  Nor does all the wishing in the world keep them alive.

[nashreed]

1 hour ago, kayc said:

We only know what we know at the time, and how can we be expected to automatically know something the doctors obviously didn't?  I've learned a lot about Diabetes in the last two years, yet with all our efforts, we didn't save George all those years ago.  I'm managing mine after years of not knowing how to, they offered no help.  They're pill pushers, but the pills often worsen the situation long term as they treat the symptoms, not the root cause.  Most of them still don't get it.  The education in the US leaves something to be desired, France is more progressive, why is the US so behind?  It's complicated.  When you follow the $ trail of BigPharma and them funding the "studies" it makes sense.  Skew the studies and keep the $ rolling in.  But I can't accept responsibility for George's death, I did everything I knew to do, we attended diabetic classes together, I didn't allow sugar in the house, I used whole grains (when I should have cut them out altogether but I didn't know) and we ate as they instructed us to.

James, you gain nothing by neglecting yourself.  You already know that's not what she'd want for you...how do I know?  Because I'm a "wife."  I know all these years later, I still feel George's wife.  I reckon I always will.  Some things never die.

I know Kay. I literally thought -"Annette would want me to take better care of myself", and in my mind I can hear her say "Told ya".

It sucks being Diabetic. My Mom makes me spaghetti every week, and I have to have her stop- it just raises my sugar too much. Annette and I really made a valid attempt to eat good. She was cooking raw chicken twice a week, using it in many different, healthy (attempted) meals. Basically her kidney function was very poor from being a Diabetic since age 14. Her blood sugar crashed out of nowhere that night. She was trying so hard to keep control, but her kidney function made it so unpredictable. Combined with her weight (her BMI was over 60)- the pain from her arthritis and her amputated leg (not from Diabetes) made exercise extremely difficult. She just had so much against her. We tried so hard. I'll always be her husband too. I've always read that marriage is a man-made institution that doesn't matter in Heaven, but I hope that's not the case. 

[V. R.]

I agree Kay, I will always be Claudio's wife and he will always be my husband. 

[nashreed]

I keep on trying to justify my existence. Why am I here, when my soul mate is not on this earth?

Other than you folks here, I have no friends. I have "friends" on Facebook that use to be friends in real life- my best friend when I was 12, a couple who were very close to me and Annette when we were starting out... They don't care about me at all now. If I reach out to them, I get a cursory reply, but they have lives now and are happy and don't need me. Nobody needs me. I'm tired of myself, sick of my life. What do you do when life means nothing? Life without love is no life at all. 

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up here anymore. I'm sorry to be so down and depressing. I really am just at my wits end. I have no hope, no future. 

It's funny. The song that came up right now is Peter Gabriel/Kate Bush "Don't Give Up". The lyric goes "Don't give up, because you have friends"....Not in real life unfortunately. 

[V. R.]

I can relate to every single word you said, James. I agree, only on this forum, we can express our feelings and know we will be understood. It's really useless confiding with someone who hasn't gone through the same grief. I don't have real friends either, my husband and I didn't need anyone else. We weren't just husband and wife, we were best friends too. He was my world, and still is. I find it extremely hard, almost impossible, to talk about him in the 'past'. It seems almost offensive, difficult to explain😒

For me, he is still here, right by my side, he's just absent, I cant see him but he's here. He has to be, otherwise I wouldn't be here either. This thought keeps me sane, helps me get through my distraught life. I have him sealed in my mind, my soul, and will never let him go.I talk to him, ask for his advice, suggestions, comment things with him. I imagine what he would be doing every moment of the day, if he was here, what we'd be doing,  where we would be going, and so on... Don't feel hurt when your friends/acquaintances seem cold with you, they just don't know what to say, feel awkward, probably afraid to say the wrong things. It's as if we speak a different language, now, from others who haven't gone through this, they're still the same people, we are the ones who have changed. After 15 months, me any my two kids still don't talk about our loss, too painful, still so unreal, all three of us are going through hell in our own way, trying to elaborate,trying to come to terms with this. Apart from writing here, I only look forward to a monthly phone call from my husband's aunt (she lost her soulmate, almost 20 yrs ago). She's a lovely 88 yr-old lady, has always been especially fond of my husband, and with her, I can be myself and pour my heart out (more or less, because I've always been very reserved, timid).I've always been the type of person who keeps their feelings locked up inside, and this makes me feel like a balloon that's about to burst, but just keeps getting bigger and bigger. 

Take care, James, hoping that sharing all our thoughts here together, will help us continue our paths/lives that have been suddenly 'redirected' onto a different  route that we had never expected. 

Enza

 

[kayc]

I don't have what I consider real close friends, well George but since he's clear across the US, not the same as having someone you can drop in on, do things with.  I have a friend Laurel but she has a lot of friends, busy, so we don't do things together much, was better pre-Covid.  I have Iris, but she has a LOT of friends and we have different spiritual views, she's obvious preoccupied this year with cancer and her husband's blindness and Covid long-haul...so I don't talk to her about what I'm going through, she has enough on her plate right now.  My bestie, Virgie, moved to TX seven years ago when she got married, hasn't been the same since, at least I had her for ten years.  My sister Peggy is probably my best friend but we all know how that's going to head, with dementia, I'm also grieving her...

[kayc]

And you're right, this is a place we can openly share our thoughts/feelings, it's hard to put into words but you all are like family.

[nashreed]

And now I've been thrown into a massive depression....I think I mentioned that I have one friend here, Paul, that I reconnected with through Facebook. We went to middle school together. He lives in town and we've gotten together a couple of times. I've been waffling on getting together again, because his life is so great- married with a kid. I wasn't up to see him the previous weekend, but was hoping to meet up this past weekend, but he said he had something going on. I then see on Facebook that that something was his family in Hawaii! He didn't even tell me he was going. I feel like such an incredible failure that I never took Annette to Hawaii (although she couldn't swim and I can't think of what we would have done there, still...). I just want to be swallowed by the ground and be done with this life. I had my time here. I've overstayed my purpose. I've suffered enough. 

[nashreed]

What's really hard is that I'm so used to being in a loving relationship, having a spouse. I don't think it makes me love Annette any less to want to be in another relationship, but I know it's impossible. 

I was really sent into a depression seeing 90 something year old Dick Van Dyke and his 40 year old wife. Well, unless you're a rich celebrity, you're never going to be able to be with a much younger woman. All of the women my age are taken or have more baggage than a Southwest carousel. I'd ideally love to find a widow because they understand, but more often than not it seems they don't want another relationship (at least based on the participants here). I was seriously almost considering "switching teams"- I'd be much more attractive to a gay man. Unfortunately, I don't like the company of men that much. Not a bro. 

Sigh. I'm just tired of feeling so lost and alone. But it's never going to change. That realization hits me at various times of the day, like a truck, no matter how much I try to just distract myself from it and pretend I have a life. I don't know what I will do when my Mom is gone. As much as she drives me bonkers, she's all I have (well, my brother, who really gets on my nerves....). To be stuck with just him is my fate, and it's too depressing to think about.

[kayc]

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

I don't think it makes me love Annette any less to want to be in another relationship

No, it doesn't.  It's natural to not want to be alone.  But knowing how not just anyone will do, and what a miracle it was when we got them, how we fit together, plus we were younger and possibly more flexible then, the odds are...

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

or have more baggage than a Southwest carousel.

  This sounds like something Marg would say, I love it!

20 hours ago, nashreed said:

it's too depressing to think about.

I know.  I look at the future, and well, I have to go back to today.  I do not want to know the future.

[nashreed]

As I face the two year anniversary of losing Annette, I feel I have lost all will to live. It just doesn't matter anymore. 

I made the mistake of listening to one of the voicemails she left me. They used to bring me comfort, but now they just bring pain. Hearing her sing her little song to me is heartbreaking. I feel so responsible for her loss, even more so after all this time. I enabled her- she loved those nasty Cadbury Cream Eggs. I should have taken better care of her. I'm so angry at myself and can't live with this guilt. I really think that I could guarantee success and if it was pain free, I would end it all now. 

I have looked to you all for advice and you've given me inspiration and helped me along this journey, but I feel like I've failed. I just don't know what my purpose for still being here is. I'm tired of being so incredibly lonely. If she hadn't been so amazing, maybe I wouldn't feel this incredibly awful. 

[V. R.]

Why is it that we have these feelings of guilt? It's bad enough struggling with this unbearable grief, but as someone once said in this group :"you did what you thought was right  at the time". By what you've said in other posts, you looked after your wife so well and did everything you could to help her. I'm sure she felt very loved by you and she loved you very much too. The famous poet Tennyson's words: "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" are not very healing at the moment, I admit that, but I desperately try to force myself to find comfort, at least in these words, to save my sanity. I'm still at the stage where it all seems so untrue. Haven't come to terms with it, probably never will. It's difficult but it's important that we  hang on to something to stop us falling lower and lower and I feel that continuing writing here will help us in our journey and make it more bearable, knowing that we all understand what each of us is going through, sharing the same feelings. My mind is tormented with all the mistakes I made, things I should/shouldn't have done, and I feel I've let my husband down. It really is soothing to be able to pour our hearts out here on this forum, one of very few things that help me not to break down completely. 

[nashreed]

Thank you. I don't know that I did what I thought was best at the time. I really tried, but half of the time I feel like I wasn't there for her. It's so hard taking care of someone with chronic pain, and her multiple health issues. I really should have spent the time and money that I spent on keeping myself sane (mostly with music retail therapy) on things to help her. I tried so hard to make her happy. Giving her a Cream Egg made her much happier than giving her a kale salad, but what did that do for her ultimately?

I just don't want to live anymore. It's impossible for most people to know what it's like to feel that. I should have went with her. I don't want to face another brutal Southern California Summer, this time very, very alone (last year I had a friend who I texted with- that helped a lot but it ended, as all my friendships I attempt do). Annette was the only person I could count on, and I know you all can relate. 

[Widow2015]

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

I just don't want to live anymore. It's impossible for most people to know what it's like to feel that. I should have went with her. I don't want to face another brutal Southern California Summer, this time very, very alone (last year I had a friend who I texted with- that helped a lot but it ended, as all my friendships I attempt do). Annette was the only person I could count on, and I know you all can relate. 

James, it is understandable you feel like you don't want to live anymore without Annette.  There are many days I feel like you do and as hard as it is, I have to put that thought out of my mind.  He would be unhappy that I let myself get so far down in my dark mood.  You say you don't have a purpose ?  Who knows, maybe tomorrow there could be an answer why you are still here? Maybe your Mother and/or brother could someday need your assistance as they grow older?  

I hear you on dreading the hot summer months since hot weather is not my favorite season.  Hoping for something positive in your life soon.  Dee

[kayc]

James, I hope you dispel the fail theory...it took me YEARS to process George's death, years more to find purpose, and years more yet to build a life I could live...then Covid came along and destroyed that life.  Back to square one.  Meanwhile, now I'm getting old and not feeling it.  I feel alone but I like solitude.  What a Catch 22!

16 hours ago, V. R. said:

Why is it that we have these feelings of guilt?

I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

[V. R.]

19 hours ago, nashreed said:

really should have spent the time and money that I spent on keeping myself sane (mostly with music retail therapy) on things to help her. I tried so hard to make her happy. Giving her a Cream Egg made her much happier than giving her a kale salad, but what did that do

You were right to spend time keeping yourself sane, you were under so much stress that you needed to have a 'therapeutical distraction' to keep on going, otherwise you would have broken down and without you, who would have cared for your wife then? Don't have guilty feelings about this. I use music as my therapy now, but instead of listening to it, I sing out loud playing the piano and in this way I shout out my pain and anger. It's a temporary soother,though.

Just like Dee says, your mother could need your help one day, I'm sure she hurts inside for your loss and is comforted by the fact that at least you are living together with her and not on your own. 

[nashreed]

I wish I had musical talent, as a form of expression- to get these feelings voice. Of course, I hate the sound of my voice....

My Mom is very unemotional- doesn't like being hugged. There's reasons for this from her childhood, but it doesn't help me any. If my Mom had any medical issues at this point, I don't think I could handle it. I have to remind myself how fortunate it is. Annette had chronic pain for 20 years, and increasing problems from Diabetes during that time. I had enough stress that I started having panic attacks at work, and eventually just walked out during a shift at Christmastime in 2010. Now I don't have her, but I have all this residual anxiety, that my family doesn't care to understand. My Mom loves me because I'm her son, but wants me to be who she wants, not who I am, and constantly lays the guilt trip of "Where did I go wrong" in raising me-- when I'm 52!! I didn't live here for 25 years! 

I used to have therapists (so I could get cheap meds before I got disability) and I know all the "solutions", but it doesn't help me actually execute them in practice. I'm terrified of people. I have anxiety just making a phone call (yet I'm desperately lonely). It ain't no picnic being me. 

[Gwenivere]

On 3/25/2022 at 2:57 PM, nashreed said:

I really should have spent the time and money that I spent on keeping myself sane (mostly with music retail therapy) on things to help her. I tried so hard to make her happy. Giving her a Cream Egg made her much happier than giving her a kale salad, but what did that do for her ultimately?

You’ve been given a lot of input on how others have dealt with guilt they have felt.  I have not felt that but am trying to understand yours.  There are questions you can ask yourself.  
 

Did you deliberately neglect her?  Did you give her candy to hurt her?  Did you cause hardship monetarily buying CD's?  We’re you fed up with the changes in your relationship dynamics?  Did you resent it? There are more, but my point is we are put into a situation that so changes how we related for years.  It’s overwhelming.  We aren’t perfect and have to take care of ourself and homes while caring for them too. Our love is as intense or more and why we do as we did.  I don’t question anything I did or didn’t do.  I made the best decisions at the time given professional input and our personal relationship.  I was there every time he needed me, even when he was in the hospital and calling me at home.  
 

Therapy only works if you have the right therapist and open to being a participant.  Only you know if you are.  Finding someone you fit with is hard.  I did a lot of it but am taking a break right now because I’m not doing well at participating .  From what I have learned in counseling is seeing you feeding on so many negative things about yourself and no help how on to filter them.  To diffuse them.  We do make mistakes being human. But are you as bad as you tell yourself?  Your image may be distorted.  Just some stuff to think about.  You don’t owe answers.  

 

[kayc]

A friend of mine taught himself to play piano when he retired (he's 73 now, this was a few years ago), I've seen videos of his playing, it amazes me.  He already played guitar and sang.  If you want to bad enough, do it, guitars are smaller, my daughter taught herself to play as a teenager..

[V. R.]

It's never too late to learn how to play a musical instrument. I started learning to play the piano with my husband a few yrs ago (he already played the guitar) just self-teaching, no lessons. Obviously, you have to have a real passion for it, and I can certainly say it's very therapeutical for the mind,when you are going through hell with grief. It did take me a few months to restart after I lost my husband, still can't look at his guitar and bass guitar sitting there all covered up. I keep asking him: " When are you going to play these again?" My son also plays guitar and piano but doesn't have much time because of his studies.

My music therapy really gets me through the day, also because I don't have any friends to talk to, but this is ok for me now, I prefer just being with my family. As a couple, me and my soulmate were everything for each other, best friends too, didn't need anyone else who wasn't family, we had a perfect union. 

[nashreed]

I regret that I didn't cultivate friendships when I was with Annette. I didn't need any. She had good friends through the years but they always, always let her down in some way- she could only ever count on me. I guess that colored my view of friends. My family is fine for being around, watching TV, but useless for my emotional needs- for talking about anything important. I can't even fathom how empty my life will be when my Mom is gone. At least she cares about me (if only because she has to). 

I understand what you're saying, Gwen. I know that she would think my guilt is stupid. I don't think she would have been able to handle it if the loss were reversed (and with her father passing last year). 

Funny enough, the song that I'm listening to right now is a version of the 70's song "Without You", a #1 by Harry Nilsson. I can't live without her. Why am I still forced to live? 

[Kieron]

So well stated, Gwen, from start to finish.

[Gwenivere]

23 hours ago, nashreed said:

Why am I still forced to live? 

You aren’t.  None of us are.  We do possess an innate survival mode.  But, as evidenced by people that have killed themselves, it can be overruled.  
 

As I’ve observed before, you feed yourself very negative thoughts, or at least give them so much power.  In another thread you called Will Smith a jerk.  You’ve said you contributed to Annette’s death by Cadbury Eggs.  You neglected her for your music.  That your mother loves you because she has to.  You lose friends by your dropping the ball on your side of participation.  I’m not surprised you feeling so bad about yourself by what you image you’re living.  You’re averse to trying therapy.  They are all your rights to do.  
 

I'm no therapist or expert in any way to make diagnosis nor judgement.  I can only say what I see from the outside and what you share.  In my thread I know find fault beyond myself and there is a lot but not all.  I’m glad you are getting it out, I just wish I could find the words that don’t sound so accusatory.  You say it sucks to be you.  I feel that too.  You aren’t alone in everything.  I wish I could see you put that energy into ways to find value in yourself.  You can’t stop the love you feel for Annette by tearing down the world and those that haven’t experienced what we have.  But I do understand the resentment.  That comes from in me.  I’m just not clear on what you want beyond our old lives back and maybe that’s all it s.  We all do.  Part of me says delete this post.  It does sound judgmental.  If you or Marty think so, I will.  It’s the last thing I want to do.  We’ve become friends and I care about you so that is why I wrote it.  

[nashreed]

You're right, Gwen. I am bitter and angry and negative. It's all I have now. What do I have to be happy and positive about? I have always tended to be moody and negative- I was a sullen teenager who dressed in black and listened to depressing music. Annette kept that in check. She made me happy and relaxed and calm. Now that she's gone, I am back to my natural state. Some things make me content (not happy- I wouldn't go that far): music, birds that I see outside, hummingbirds I feed give me a sense of at least doing something with my miserable existence. It's very hard to motivate myself and sure, if I had more courage and encouragement from my family (which I do not have), I could volunteer or be productive. It's just easier not to. My family doesn't care about who I am, and it isn't enough of a motivation to just "do it for me". I don't get warm fuzzies from helping strangers- I just don't, never have If that makes me a bad person, I'm sorry. 

I totally resented the fact that I had to watch the Oscars, which was on during the time I normally get to listen to music. They wouldn't tape it, they had to watch it live- so that pissed me off. And as far as the whole Smith/Rock debacle, I can't see how anybody could be Team Smith. I hate all smug, entitled celebrities, but this guy is the worst. They're sitting right there in front- what were they expecting, to not be noticed? The "joke" Chris Rock said was tossed off, lame,  but harmless. Will was laughing at it until he saw Jada's reaction. I guess he had to prove what a man he is to her, so maybe she won't sleep around as much (she puts this information out there!)- who knows? But she has embraced the fierce, bald look anyway. if she was so sensitive about it, there's great things happening in wigs these days. Anybody else would have been escorted out, and charged with assault, but because he's Mr. Best Actor, he gets away with it. 

Yes, I want my old life back. I want nothing more than to be with Annette right now. Am I just chicken for not ending it all? Am I being a good person for not doing that to my Mom?  I don't want to talk to a therapist- someone who is paid to listen and give out platitudes and information I already know. I want to have someone alive and real who understands me, who cares about me- not the "me" that someone wants me to be. Annette was that. I will never have that again in this life. I just don't know how to live knowing this. If I can distract myself and just live quietly, then that's maybe all I can do. At least I'm not hitting people over a freaking joke. Talk about needing therapy. 

[razorclam]

 You did the right thing by making Annette happy, whether with CDs or chocolate eggs.

 Less than a week before my friend died he sent me a long middle of the night text cataloging his favorite (non-alcoholic) drinks (e. g., fruit and rice-milk based smoothies). He barely ate anything for the last month of his life, and I am sure he was suffering to some extent from malnutrition. His last weekend he sent out for a horchata (over his wife's objections, who thought water would be safer) and told me in a rapturous text how much he enjoyed it. I thought, good for him! 

There is a character In one of John Steinbeck's books who advises somebody mourning a lost relationship to go through the motions, to act out being alive, like in a play, because eventually it stops being playacting, and becomes true. Sometimes it takes a long while. Can you see yourself start on this path? Perhaps by identifying a single action that you can commit to every day, however small or symbolic? Water a plant, feed the birds? I am solution-oriented person, and I want so much to help you...