Annette

[nashreed]

I am keeping her phone. It has pictures she took on it and voicemails, texts... It just won't be able to call out or receive calls. It's just sad. I will miss hearing her ringtone (an acoustic guitar snippet). It was a bare bones phone to begin with (she couldn't use the internet on it with her low vision). It has the wrong date and time and rebooting it doesn't fix it. But it was hers, for better or worse. 

[Gwenivere]

The law is any phone that works has to be able to dial 911.  They can’t call you back as the phone has been deactivated.  
 

I still have Steve’s phone plugged in.  The very few times I looked it, it was getting spam mail as all his buddies knew he’d never answer.  Whoever has that number inherited a lot of weird pot, music and other weird lists he was on.  Probably wondering what kind of nut he was!

[scba]

I went through the same thing. His mobile became "obsolete" and couldn't be updated. Once it expired, it cancelled the messages (text, whatsapp). I was able to save to the last minute the only voice mail that escaped the deleting. I don't turn it on anymore. But it's with me and will stay with me together with the old mobile I had at the time of his passing. It was the last item he gave me when he entered the surgery room. It's the last thing he touched. 

 

 

[kayc]

I couldn't afford the monthly payment and he had a new two year contract so I let my son-in-law take it over for the monthly cost, it helped us both out but it meant I no longer had access to it.  It probably would have quit working by now anyway.  What sickened me is when I lost George's voicemails to our landline, I didn't know it'd record over them within two weeks...who among us that is two weeks out has the brains to think of these things!  

[razorclam]

James, it's good that you have the device and the pictures and the text on it. I just upgraded to an iPhone (from an Android), and am having trouble migrating all my WhatsApp chats. Most of my communication with my friend was on WhatsApp. I did back up my chat histories with him and his family.. But moving to the new phone does seems like another separation, and I have not disabled the old one. 

[nashreed]

I feel like I'm the Keeper Of Obsolete Phones. I have her disabled phone and my previous phone that has her voicemails on it. I don't trust backing things up to The Cloud or whatever it is. It's bad enough I lost some pictures of her when an SD card I had got corrupted. I looked into recovering them but it's ridiculous expensive. 

[Gwenivere]

On 1/22/2022 at 7:11 AM, kayc said:

What sickened me is when I lost George's voicemails to our landline,

I didn’t have any on my answering machine and didn’t have a smart phone.  What killed me was losing our greeting on the landline.  I do have his music tho.  I miss the notes we used to leave each other.   Sometimes he’d leave something scrawled on my lunch paper plate.  I left him lots of post it’s.  There s something primal about voice tho.  I have to try harder to hear his voice now.  I love that voice, but time is making it harder to hear. These harder times I find him slipping thru my fingers.  His love, tho, is sealed in my heart.  ❤️

[kayc]

George used to put post-its around the house where I'd find them, in a closet, cupboard, wherever, I still have some up.  I loved George's voice, unlike any other, I remember the first time I heard it.

[V. R.]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

George used to put post-its around the house where I'd find them, in a closet, cupboard, wherever, I still have some up.  I loved George's voice, unlike any other, I remember the first time I heard it.

Kay, if you were to ask me: "what struck you about your husband when you first met him, what did you find attractive, what did you fall in love with?" I would have to say, amongst many other things, his beautiful voice! I told him so many times he had a lovely sensual voice and over the years it remained exactly the same. I hope I don't end up forgetting it as time passes, couldn't bear that. I have some dvd videos that I hope to get converted in some way,at the moment I can't watch them, either they're worn out or the video camera's broken. Just says:  'no disc'. 🤔

[scba]

It's been his smile and a kind of bright in his eyes. But when I met him by purely chance I rejected all of it with all my strengths because I was about to quit my job and move to a new city and I didn't want to meet anyone in between. I told our mutual friend please don't mention his name I can't risk my plans for the future.

But I "knew" that it was the end of my plans.

It was my choice. 

I took the plane to go to the new city just to cancel everything and travelled back. One of my most vivid memories is from my very young SIL she was waiting for me at the airport and she hugged me and cried because she couldn't believe that I was back to be with his beloved brother and start a new life together. 

It was like in the movies.

The rest is history. I don't regret it.

[Gwenivere]

I’m hoping that not being able to clearly hear Steve’s voice is the pain and meds for it.  What I can hear is how it would melt my heart and could talk me into anything.  He knew it too.  So masculine and seductive.  His regular speaking voice and laugh was unique too.  Many of his buddies told me that.  His great laugh.  It took a lot to make him angry.  When he was tho, it was quite intense.  One thing that I can hear clearly anytime sis his singing.  He was never, ever off key.  There is one song he did I don’t think ever got recorded.  One of my most treasured things is a song he wrote for me.  He wrote it when we were apart for a couple weeks when he sent out of town and how being apart was like a picnic in the rain.  ❤️  I found he saved all my post it’s.  Even bland ones.  Or ones I wrote 'to dad' from the furry kids.  Had some he found special taped up in his van.

[nashreed]

Annette was such a sweet, naive soul. I'm so glad I had the foresight to save some of her voicemails. She got me through a job I hated by leaving me messages every hour. She used to sing songs to me. She sounds like a little kid and she would make up little ditties about the stuffed animals we had and their adventures, or a little "I love you" tune to the melody of a well known song- often by The Carpenters, because I guess they were in her range (I know nothing about keys and singing). They were so cute. She was just cute. Always childlike and curious. Even when she was in pain, so always looked out for me and tried so hard to be brave. 

[Roxi]

What is unforgettable for me when i met him it was the feeling of finally being home.

The trust was immediate even before i met him, only hear his voice by phone.

That easiness was amazing and comfortable...for one like me always in guard!

I felt it was as if i known him forever, as we had crossed the space and time along the centuries  to find ourselves...so intense was the recognition! 

From the first moment i loved his tender eyes, his wonderful smile and laugh and all his body...to the point where when they tell me  i'll find him in spirit i turn up my nose!

'Cos the most beautiful tender comfortable place i found in this world was being in his arms close tight to him!

I like to think that i'll find him in other lives, under other skies...

[kayc]

22 hours ago, V. R. said:

I hope I don't end up forgetting it as time passes

You will not.  I've heard of people going through a mental block in their grief, but it's temporary, thankfully I did not, I remember how he sounds, his smell, how it felt to be held by him...it seems a million years ago, but always I will remember it.

[kayc]

19 hours ago, Roxi said:

when i met him it was the feeling of finally being home.

It was always that with us too, we found our person.  The way we connected, understood, related to each other, was amazing.  Our backgrounds so different and yet we understood each other completely!

[nashreed]

I'm at a point in my grieving where if I think about her for more than a few seconds, I get so upset that she isn't here and yet I want to remember her. Unlike some here, I feel like I am losing my memories of her. I have to be triggered by something that I see on TV or a place I pass by. I find myself thinking of what she'd reply to something I say, and that's comforting- but I feel like grief is the only connection to her I have left. Not even her sister texts me much anymore. I'm so alone (except for you fine folk). I often think that I should stop writing on here- that I need to suck it up and get used to not discussing any of this with anybody. Literally, nobody in my sad little life cares. I've given up trying to talk to my family about anything of substance and the days are passed with meaningless distractions. I have no purpose here and I just feel like I shouldn't be here. There's an old Twilight Zone episode about three astronauts who land back on earth and to everyone (the press, etc) they are alive, but they really died and they just don't know it yet. They feel and know that they don't belong and just slowly fade away and disappear until none of them are left. 

I feel like a ghost. I'm waiting to fade away. 

[V. R.]

James, don't despair, you really are not alone. I get the same feeling as you, that nobody cares, they all go on with their lives as nothing's happened. I get very angry and feel like screaming out to all these people:  "don't you all realise what an enormous loss we are having to live with? My son and daughter both seeing their dad dying right in front of them? All three of us were there! Why do you sound surprised when I say I can't sleep and need to take anxiety meds to try and get a decent night's sleep? You can't possibly expect me to continue being the 'same' person and lead the 'same' life! ".  

James, I'm sorry to hear your sister-in-law is losing touch with you, if I were you, I'd try to hold on to this contact as much as possible. In my experience, I'm finding more comfort and understanding talking to my husband's relatives, and none at all with my own parents. When my husband's 'favorite' aunt phones me, we stay ours on the phone and I can really open my heart to her and say how I feel. On the other hand, if I even mention to my mum that I can't handle this grief, she just says the usual 'life goes on'... Frustrates me so much! 

You say you feel like a ghost. At times I feel like I'm just a by-stander, watching the world go on, a world where I have no part, a world that doesn't belong to me anymore. 

Take care. 

Enza

 

 

[nashreed]

It is very hard Enza. Thank you. I know it's supposed to be "one day at a time", but I can't help thinking that I'm only 52 and my life is essentially over. I just didn't plan ahead to a future without Annette- we scraped by on disability and part time work. It was hand-to-mouth, but we were a team and we made it work and it was fine. She couldn't work and I stepped up, but now I have no motivation whatsoever to get a job. I'm not happy mooching off my family, but I don't need another reason to hate my life right now either. My preferred occupation (music store retail) doesn't exist anymore. 

There's a song by ELO called "Mission (A World Record)" where the lyrics are about a space traveler whose orders are to sit on a park bench and watch the world go by, just observe-don't participate. I want to participate, but my anxiety, COVID and other circumstances are just too much to overcome. 

[Gwenivere]

8 hours ago, nashreed said:

. I often think that I should stop writing on here- that I need to suck it up and get used to not discussing any of this with anybody. Literally, nobody in my sad little life cares.

But you do, correct?  You’ve talked before about blocking her out.  I understand wanting to do that because the pain is so hard.  But it backfires for me that I get even colder inside and lose the warmth I shared with him.  Don’t disappear, James, we need you here.  Let us be there for you.  We care.

6 hours ago, V. R. said:

I get the same feeling as you, that nobody cares, they all go on with their lives as nothing's happened.

Because it didn’t for them.  I know that anger.  I came to see there was no way they could understand.  Now I’m grateful to those that let me be me and while they can’t 'feel' it like me, they don’t invalidate me.  Those that have I’ve broken ties with.  I slowly learned to not make that all I talked about.  I may not have cared or was jealous of what they were still doing, I’ve come to be happy for them.  I may cry later alone, but I was once in their position.  Of course I couldn’t relate.  I still had my partner.  This journey is so mysterious with triggers and emptiness.  But I do know what you mean.  I didn’t understand how the world could go on when the core of it for me left me alone.  I used to curse him out too for doing this to us tho it wasn’t his fault.  We’ve become people we didn’t know we had in us.  

[Kieron]

James, I am reminded of a song by Roxette, "Half a Woman, Half a Shadow."  It was written by the late Marie Fredriksson, one half of the Roxette duo.  Likely the song is about a breakup, but the lyrics could easily be the aftermath of losing someone.  I hope you'll keep posting. 

Enza, the cliche I have heard many times is almost as insulting as the one you hear, i.e., "life goes on," and that is: "Sorry for your loss, life is a journey."  I lost count of the number of times I heard that, early on.  It's like a line from a movie that people heard, and it got stuck in their consciousness, to be spit out on cue, like a print-out of your "gypsy fortune" at a tourist-trap attraction in a seaside town.  Sometimes they leave off the "life is a journey" part.  🙄

[kayc]

16 hours ago, nashreed said:

I have to be triggered by something that I see on TV or a place I pass by.

Things that affect our senses like sight, sound, smell, they are remembered deeply in the brain so it stands to reason to me that something like a trigger can bring up a memory.  This is a marriage forum not a grief forum but I found what he said interesting:   https://www.marriageadvocates.com/ubbthreads/ubbthreads.php/topics/68398/Re_Managing_the_Emotions_of_Ou

[kayc]

15 hours ago, V. R. said:

Why do you sound surprised when I say I can't sleep and need to take anxiety meds to try and get a decent night's sleep?

I tried toughing it out for 3 1/2 years before getting on anxiety meds and years longer for sleep meds...I am totally unapologetic for both!  Having the ability to get through life without panic attacks and being able to sleep 7-8 hours per night are important to our health and well being!  Some people are judgmental about this, I don't give a rat's fig!  Not everyone is affected this way, I am!  I've memorized all the bible verses about not being anxious, I know all the "shoulds" but that doesn't relieve me when I'm dealing with a sleepless night watching the clock mark time going by.  We need to live as peaceably as we can with this!

[kayc]

James I was 52 when George passed.  I knew my world came crashing to an end, that nothing would ever be as it was again, but little did I know how true it was, what you said...yes it feels like our life is over because all the good that we knew...disappeared with them.

All I can do is look for good moments in my day, it seems they all involve Kodie.  And now Gwen is having to do without her Melody and it seems beyond unfair!  Bad enough to suffer loss to this degree but to have pain, struggle, hardship, more loss thrust upon us seems cruel.

[Roxi]

10 hours ago, Gwenivere said:

Because it didn’t for them

We struggle to understand that nothing has really changed for them...our world has turned upside down but after almost 4 years my friends living the same life...

When i ask myself why? I remember my friend Roberto...he lost his wife more than 20 years ago, very young...we tried to comfort him at the time, but for anyone of us life simply went on

He didn't say a word at the time but i am sure he was in despair...

We did what we complain about others now...and without any questions about it!

[scba]

2 hours ago, Roxi said:

We struggle to understand that nothing has really changed for them...our world has turned upside down but after almost 4 years my friends living the same life...

When i ask myself why? I remember my friend Roberto...he lost his wife more than 20 years ago, very young...we tried to comfort him at the time, but for anyone of us life simply went on

He didn't say a word at the time but i am sure he was in despair...

We did what we complain about others now...and without any questions about it!

Surely Roberto was very young as I have been and let me assure you that you don't say a word because the outer world is dealing with wedding planners, birthing and honeymoons while us have directly reached to the end of the journey and you are dealing with something soooo painful and soooo devastating. Because you start to understand what grief entails. I fainted when I found out the thing of secondary losses. I was yet going to loose more and how long this pain would last? A bitter pillow to swallow is a mild metaphor. 

I write these lines and I cannot believe I have survived. I'm glad to read that your friend made it too. But as you said we all have been clueless before. It takes time to "forgive" that others don't/can't/want to understand. As you Gwen, I can be genuinely glad for others and cry later alone. Sometimes I don't cry and I feel sad. Other times I'm fine. It took me a lot of time to reach to that """better""" place. I was angry frustrated and envious. If anyone could have read my mind OMG!

Young people simply don't have tools and the despair is very big. You are left alone, silenced and you feel like those players who are sitting on the bench looking at the others playing the game. Your match is over. It is. A new way has to been found. It's not easy.

This forum is so very special.

Ana