Annette

[Roxi]

3 hours ago, V. R. said:

 

I also love our great Italian songwriters/singers:

Enza i add Franco Battiato.."La Cura" ...it's our song! 

"Perché sei un essere speciale ed io avrò cura di te"

"'Cos you are a special person and I'll take care of you"

 

[V. R.]

Yes, Roxi, a great performance! Very emotional lyrics. Un altro 'grande' che abbiamo perso. Another great loss for Italian music. 

[Gwenivere]

4 hours ago, V. R. said:

I don't know if it's because I'm getting old, or is it true that they just don't make music / write songs like that anymore? 

I think it’s both.  There is a place in time that is our time to be 'marked' by that era.  My finest times in memory for how life was exploding and the happiest was the late 70’s thru the 80’s.  There have been other songs since, but not consistent for years. It started changing when rap started.  My parents had Crosby, Martin, Sinatra and other crooners til rock hit that they disliked.  It was a time I was becoming the me that I am.  We could all write books of our becoming who we were in our 20’s. My many exploits.  Steve was in so many of them.   My mom didn’t like my music or dalliances with guys. Even tho Steve and I were living together and she adored him, she blocked out til that paper was signed and then welcomed him with loving arms.  His mom was more reality based.  But their goals were to get married.  I never thought of that.  So much to do and so many people.  I’ve strayed off track. Rehab, boredom and meds.  My story and sticking to it.  

I fell lucky about the 80’s.  I’ve noticed in TV shows and many movies that songs from then are popular picks.  I’ve aded songs since as I run across but not gotten into a particular artist on the whole as I did before.  Just songs here and there.  For whatever reason I loved Cheek to Cheek when I first heard it and it’s stuck with me since my 20’s.  So did Great Balls of Fire.  Steve liked folk I found that dull often. But he did some folk rock recordings that were awesome.  

[kayc]

Hmm, I don't see my post from yesterday here!

[nashreed]

Does anyone else preoccupy their thoughts with "What If"'s and "What would have been"'s? 

I feel like the only way to keep her present and relevant in my life is to think obsessively about what life would have been like if she were still alive. Maybe it's cold comfort that things would have been incredibly difficult. Annette only had to deal with two months of the pandemic- and it was very hard on her. She hated wearing masks, because she already had breathing issues and was also claustrophobic. We counted on our local Urgent Care as a place we could go when something came up. We had a running joke- there's a song by Toad The Wet Sprocket that we said was her Theme Song: "Something's Always Wrong". To know that she would have had so many appointments (our calendar was full of appointments, every month) where she would have to be masked- and I wouldn't be able to go in with her..... She wanted so badly to resume working, but with the pandemic and how suseptible she would be, I still would never have let her resume work, unless somehow she could have gotten something "work from home" (but our internet was less than great). I felt terrible that I didn't take her out to even just the dollar store. She wanted to go, but with loading up her wheelchair and her eyesight, it was just easier for me to go. I have so much guilt that I kept her isolated- it would have been so much worse, and ongoing up to today (and beyond). 

It's like I'm torturing myself with these thoughts, but they also keep her memory in the present- our terrible, miserable present. 

[Gwenivere]

Happens to me a lot.  Often don’t know why.  The slightest touch on this iPad can change everything.  I can’t count how many times I’ve had to rewrite posts.  I try to remember to copy it to a notes app so I don’t lose it, but often can’t transfer it back. It gets very frustrating.  Especially since being on pain meds has made my thinking muddled.  Seems I brush something with try lower palm and it vanishes, or I go to another tab to look up something and it’s gone.  It’s not the editor here because my keyboard covers it.  Plus I know not to touch that thing.  Nothing worse than putting in a lot of time and losing it.  After all these years, I thought I had it figured out as it’s great software remembering posts if you have to go do something and come back and it restores if I don’t mess it up.  If I could figure out what wipes it out. Nothing in the top box does unless I ask to.

[V. R.]

1 hour ago, nashreed said:

Does anyone else preoccupy their thoughts with "What If"'s and "What would have been"'s? 

I feel like the only way to keep her present and relevant in my life is to think obsessively about what life would have been like if she were still alive. Maybe it's cold comfort that things would have been incredibly difficult. Annette only had to deal with two months of the pandemic- and it was very hard on her. She hated wearing masks, because she already had breathing issues and was also claustrophobic. We counted on our local Urgent Care as a place we could go when something came up. We had a running joke- there's a song by Toad The Wet Sprocket that we said was her Theme Song: "Something's Always Wrong". To know that she would have had so many appointments (our calendar was full of appointments, every month) where she would have to be masked- and I wouldn't be able to go in with her..... She wanted so badly to resume working, but with the pandemic and how suseptible she would be, I still would never have let her resume work, unless somehow she could have gotten something "work from home" (but our internet was less than great). I felt terrible that I didn't take her out to even just the dollar store. She wanted to go, but with loading up her wheelchair and her eyesight, it was just easier for me to go. I have so much guilt that I kept her isolated- it would have been so much worse, and ongoing up to today (and beyond). 

It's like I'm torturing myself with these thoughts, but they also keep her memory in the present- our terrible, miserable present. 

I'm forever tormented with thoughts of what if, why didn't I, why didn't you, we should have.... Everything happened so fast, no-one had time to think! Nausea, very bad stomach-ache, seemed like a tummy bug! In a matter of minutes he was gone. Oh, it just still seems so untrue to me. The ambulance came, tried their best to revive him, heart attack they said. Well, yes, I had realised that when I suddenly found my poor husband on the bathroom floor! It was too late, then, wasn't it? We should have called the ambulance before, but he didn't say it was chest pain, he would have laughed at me if I'd suggested going to hospital for stomach pains! Well, ever since that day I've read a lot about these cases of sudden heart attacks that are often confused for just bad stomach pains. I'm very angry at fate, or destiny, or God, or whatever, I don't know who or what I'm angry at really. I feel as if this wasn't supposed to happen, too premature,we still had so much to do together, it's all a big mistake, he was fine, never had any particular health problems Why him? Why me? Why us? 

 

 

 

[Gwenivere]

My husband’s passing was not as sudden as yours.  But I’ve been plagued with all the same questions.  Steve would have blown off going to the ER for stomach pain too unless it was incapacitating. I was and still am as angry as you are.  It doesn’t consume me as it did 7 years ago, but it’s there right under the surface.  Sometimes someone pokes at me about still being down and it comes it with a fury.  It’s only people that have not experienced this that make that mistake.  Once this happens, you know grief, the pain it causes and would never invalidate another in it.  Dare suggest they should be anywhere but where they are on their journey.

There has been discussion of sudden and expected death.  As much as it killed me to watch him fade away, I cannot imagine how it feels for you to be robbed of time to say all the things you would want him to know and visa versa.  We didn’t spend/waste a minute on apologies or regrets of things done and over.  We did talk about plans that would never materialize.  That was hard.  Also about how my life would change not knowing how drastically.  It helped to have his input which you never got.  
 

James, I couldn’t have 'what if' questions, much as I want because the cancer was not going to go away.  But I was and still are full of 'what would have been' every waking moment if I let them.  That is why sleep is my only go to respite.  Tho it betrays me now and then.  Sometimes it gives him back, but just it of reach and then snatches him away again.   Grief doesn’t have a kind spot anywhere.  It’s living with a monster.  Forever out of my reach.  Absolute cruelty.  😰

[KarenK]

This is a song that says it all. "Where Do I Put Her Memory" by Charley Pride. It's on youtube, but I don't know how to put it here. Maybe someone could.

[MartyT]

Lyrics

 

I've taken down all of her pictures
I've cleaned out all of her drawers
I've painted over the scratches
From all of our little wars

I've put away every gift
That she ever gave to me
Now everything is in its place
Except for her memory

And where do I put her memory
When it haunts me night and day
I can't hide it in the closet
And Lord, I can't throw it away

And where do I put her memory
When it's always in my mind
I can't chase it, erase it, I just have to face it
It's gonna be there a long, long time

I got rid of the pillow
Where she used to lay her head
I've picked up her hairpins and curlers
That she dropped on her side of the bed

I've locked away each souvenir
And thrown away the key
Now everything is in it's place
Except for her memory

And where do I put her memory
When it's always in my mind
I can't chase it, erase it, I just have to face it
It's gonna be there a long, long time
It's gonna be there a long, long time

Source: LyricFind

Songwriters: James D. Weatherly

Where Do I Put Her Memory lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group

[Roxi]

11 hours ago, V. R. said:

Why him? Why me? Why us? 

Enza these are the questions no one can answer...and we keep  asking them!...answer them is like to answer "what's life ? What's death ?" 

They arise from our excruciating pain....

I tried to find answers and  some peace and one of the book that helped me is "l'anno del pensiero magico" di Joan Didion...the writer lost her husband as you in a sudden heart attack...

If you haven't read it yet, it can give you some comfort and understanding!

Un forte abbraccio hugs Roxi

 

 

[V. R.]

Grazie Roxi. Yes, I will read that book, I hope I find it in our bookshops here, otherwise I'll order it on line. 

A big hug to you too. 

Enza

[scba]

That's a very good book, the year of magical thinking.  I'd also suggest It's okay that you are not OK from Megan Devine

[Roxi]

Ana there is a very good book from a spanish writer...Rosa Montero...i know the title in italian: "la ridicola idea di non vederti più" (the ridicolous idea to not see you anymore)

I love it!

[kayc]

On 1/29/2022 at 11:38 AM, nashreed said:

Does anyone else preoccupy their thoughts with "What If"'s and "What would have been"'s? 

This is so common in grief, particularly early grief that I'd dare say it's universal.

Music was such a big part of George, he loved it (he had no musical ability, just loved it, very eclectic taste!) it's still too hard for me to go there.  I can sing/listen to Christian music but love songs, they're too hard for me...

[nashreed]

Annette was a huge fan of Keith Green (if you're familiar with him- he'll be gone 40 years this year, wow). His music and lyrics really informed her view on being a Christian. She also loved 80's Christian music like Amy Grant, Steve Taylor, DeGarmo & Key.... I would have a hard time listening to them for the same reasons as you can't listen to love songs. Love songs are unavoidable. Songs that are depressing for most are comforting to me. 

[V. R.]

I wanted to past a video of Celine Dion singing "Because you loved me", but I just can't figure out how to do it. The lyrics of this song are just so 'tear-jerking', they just sum up everything I feel about my lost love. 

"You were my strength when I was weak, you were my voice when I couldn't speak, you saw the best there was in me, you gave me wings and made me fly, you stood by me and I stood tall, for all the wrong that you made right, for all the joy you brought to my life, I had your love and had it all, I'm everything I am because you loved me... "

[MartyT]

 

[MartyT]

Using Music to Help with Grief   ❤️

[V. R.]

Thank you very much Marty. 

Enza. ❤️

[kayc]

James, I love Keith Greene too, in fact our Praise Team (always been on it) sang one of his on Sunday!

[nashreed]

I'm in a really weird place in my life. 

I'm a Type 2 Diabetic, and lately my numbers have been getting out of control. My A1C has gone from a nice 6.1 to a bad 7.2 this past year. I'm starting to eat better, and cutting out sugar as much as I can.... and I have to ask myself why? Why am I trying so hard (other than I don't want anything amputated anytime soon)? I'd like to think that Annette is encouraging me, as she struggled with Diabetes the whole time I knew her. But I still feel like I let her down, that I should have done more to help her with her Diabetes (it greatly contributed to her passing). What right do I have to take care of myself when I didn't take better care of her? 

I have one friend here in town that just wrote me again that he'd like to get together soon. I'm shocked that anyone still cares about me (in the real world). Everybody else has stopped writing, stopped caring. I don't know why he's still trying. He must be a Saint. I never maintained friendships when Annette was alive because I didn't need or want anybody else. Now I don't think I deserve anyone to care about me. I get mad at myself when I enjoy something I eat. I don't know that I can be a friend to someone. 

I've accepted that I will never have a love relationship with anyone again and I was just waiting to die. Why do I still keep trying to improve my life? I don't feel like I deserve to live. Annette deserved to live. I was only a good person because of her. I have only minimal social skills and I'm retreating into myself more all the time. I feel like I'm being pulled in two opposite directions. 

 

 

[V. R.]

Of course you deserve to live, I'm sure your Annette would have wanted you to look after yourself. I also have these feelings often, that I didn't care enough, I should've known, I should've rushed him to hospital, I should've realised.. Endless should haves! So now why should I go on living?  I don't care about my high blood pressure, even with pills, it's still high, I don't even bother checking it anymore. 

I think, in grief, it's more difficult to relate with family members than it is with friends or other people. I have your same problem, me and my husband were 'one body, one mind, one soul', we didn't need anyone else (apart from our two children, of course). Now, I've become a half person, incomplete, not belonging to this world, I feel I'm a burden for my kids, luckily they have their friends, social lives, university studies, I feel guilty because I've changed, not the same mother I was before, always in a bad mood, depressed, impatient, intolerant, depressed. I'm so locked up in my own personal  grief that I haven't even tried to put myself in their shoes and imagine how they must be feeling. I don't believe in that saying: "time heals". I actually think it's the other way round, for me each day my sorrow grows and I feel worse, it's really so unbearable at times. 

 

 

[nashreed]

It's true. Time only seems to make it worse. I can't pretend I'm on a really long visit with my family and I can go back home anymore. I can only distract myself so much. Her picture used to make me smile more than make me sad- now it's the other way around. 

I know she would want me to be happy- but she knew how difficult this would be for me, with all my mental garbage. I don't want her to feel bad for me- maybe that's the only reason I am doing anything. I feel like I don't deserve a life, and more to the point, I don't want a life. There's a stupid commercial for this reality show "Love Off The Grid" or something, where survivalists (I assume) want relationships (even though they're living away from everyone and everything). "What is life without love?" one says. Yep. I really don't know why I'm doing anything. I have no future. 

[kayc]

17 hours ago, nashreed said:

But I still feel like I let her down, that I should have done more to help her with her Diabetes

We only know what we know at the time, and how can we be expected to automatically know something the doctors obviously didn't?  I've learned a lot about Diabetes in the last two years, yet with all our efforts, we didn't save George all those years ago.  I'm managing mine after years of not knowing how to, they offered no help.  They're pill pushers, but the pills often worsen the situation long term as they treat the symptoms, not the root cause.  Most of them still don't get it.  The education in the US leaves something to be desired, France is more progressive, why is the US so behind?  It's complicated.  When you follow the $ trail of BigPharma and them funding the "studies" it makes sense.  Skew the studies and keep the $ rolling in.  But I can't accept responsibility for George's death, I did everything I knew to do, we attended diabetic classes together, I didn't allow sugar in the house, I used whole grains (when I should have cut them out altogether but I didn't know) and we ate as they instructed us to.

James, you gain nothing by neglecting yourself.  You already know that's not what she'd want for you...how do I know?  Because I'm a "wife."  I know all these years later, I still feel George's wife.  I reckon I always will.  Some things never die.