Kat2005

I know exactly what you mean. I have had quite a few "Blue Days" lately. I don't know if it is because everything is about the holidays right now even though Thanksgiving isn't here yet. No matter what I do sometimes I just can't snap myself out of it. I know that it is part of the journey but sometimes the tears just won't stop. I will never have the life that I once had and that is so hard to accept. I am patiently waiting for the day that the "Blue Days" do not come as often. I do know that whenever I am really feeling down and I need to talk to someone you guys are always here for me and I thank you for that. Take care, Kat

Rochel Thank you so much for that quote. I am printing it out and putting it on my desk at work so I can read it whenever I need to. Pat and I met at work and worked together until he got sick. It brings me comfort when I read it and I really needed it today. It's not a good day. Again, thanks and take care, Kat

I'm with you guys. Wouldn't it be nice to be able to blink and be in mid January already!!! I don't know how I will be able to go through the holidays without my love. Our families are very small, so I really can't just ignore the holidays. My mom is in her mid 80's and she wouldn't understand. I try to fake it when I am in front of her so she won't worry about me. I just don't want to let go of 2009 for some reason. I know I will definitely spend New Year's Eve by myself. It will be me and my journal. Take care, Kat

Steely, I can identify with all that you are feeling because I am feeling the same. The thing that you have to remember is that your husband would want you to take care of yourself. There are many people here that still need you. Our lives will never be the same without our loved ones. I have to believe that they are still with us even though we cannot physically see or feel them. We need to grieve at our own pace and remember that this is something that we can't rush through. This is hard for me to remember also because the pain is so great at times. Remember "baby steps". Take care, Kat

When I would be at work I would catch myself reaching for the phone to call Pat. Sometime I would just dial the phone knowing that he would not pick it up. I guess I just thought maybe just maybe he would. I would also call out to him when I got home from work. I would yell, baby I home. I really thought I was going crazy doing the things I did. I just long for the life that I had and I guess I do things to try to hang on to it.

Yesterday was a pretty difficult day. There was a "Celebration of Life" given by the Hospice that treated Pat. I wasn't sure if I would be able to attend. Although it has been 4 1/2 months I still have my moments. I did go with a very good friend and my husband's youngest brother. There were tears, of course, but I am glad I went. The program honored each person in a very special way. It actually made me feel good for a change. Then I had to go home and all the lonliness and why me's came flooding back. I do feel like I am doing a little bit better but I still miss him terribly. He was a person so full of life and always had a joke to tell. I miss the laughter and the hugs. I know my memories will make me smile instead of cry one day. I know I have to be patient with myself but I am still so angry that we will not have the life that we planned. He gave me such a precious gift, my son. He is now my rock and the reason that I know I have to make it through this journey that I am on. I know I "will be okay" one day, I just don't know when. Thanks for listening! Kat

Hi Steely! I understand how you are feeling. There are going to be alot of "firsts". I have only had a few. I'm going to be honest, they are really hard but my memories get me through them. I still cry and scream when I have to. I have a wonderful support group in my family and friends and they help me alot. I did something the other day that really helped me. You may think I am crazy but it made me feel so very close to Pat. The other day I bought some balloons, one said "I Miss You" and the other said "Your Special". I went to the cemetery and sat by the grave and let the balloons go until I couldn't see them anymore. I decided that on Christmas, birthday and anniversary I am going to do that. You need to be gentle with yourself and just remember how special your love was. It will help you get through it. Just remember if you need to talk we are always here to listen. Take care, Kat

Rochel, Thanks for the info. Kat

Rochel, I am so sorry that you had such a difficult day. I can't imagine how hard that must have been for you. When you have such good friends like you do it does make it alittle bit easier. It is so nice to have someone to lean on when you need them most. I too have a difficult time with filling forms out. I really didn't give it much thought till I had to check the box for widow. I actually checked the married box and then realized that I checked the wrong one. Another thing I have a hard time hearing is a "single parent" family. You are right this is not fair. I would like to thank you. You have helped me so much with your kind words of encourgement. I am only 4 months into this journey and I can't give too much advice because I'm still new at this but I will be hear to listen whenever you need someone. Take care, Kat

My husband taught me to love unconditionally. He always told me not to take life to seriously. He always had a joke to tell and he brought joy to everyone he knew. He also said that there is good in every person and he would give anyone the shirt off his back. He was generally a good person with a heart of gold. I was so fortunate to have him in my life and I will miss him until we are together again. KAT

Debbie, I am so glad you have found this group. I also attend a grief support group at the hospital that my husband was in. We meet once a week and it always makes me feel better when I leave. Sharing with others truly helps. Take care, Kat

Ted, I don't know where my head is sometimes. I didn't realize that you were talking about drinking when you said "Johnny Walker", I'm not a drinker. I know you think that it may be the only thing that will make you feel better but alcohol is not the answer. It eases the pain temporarily but it will not make it go away. Please take care of yourself and we are here anytime for you. Take care, Kat

Ted I don't understand why God takes the good ones at such an early age. It isn't fair. I have been angry ever since my husband passed at the end of June. Around 2003 he decided to stop smoking and drinking and was enjoying life more that he ever had. Although he went on disability mid 2007 from vascular dementia he was living life to the fullest. He was basically retired because his memory was fine, he just had problems mentally processing certain things which led to him going on disability. He was not able to continue his job. He was working in the yard and on the house. We had the prettiest yard in the neighborhood. Then in September 2008 he was diagnosed with an aggressive form of prostate cancer. We really didn't realize we would only have nine months. I have many regrets and guilt of not knowing that he was as sick as he was. He didn't tell me much regarding how he was feeling. That might have been caused from the dementia, I don't know. He was only 61 and we should have had alot more time together. I was told that God had other plans for him and that is why he needed to take him Between you and me I think "God's" plan stinks. I had plans for us and now all I have is my memories. I am sure it is the same for you. I just take one day at a time and hope and pray that one day things will be better. I am so thankful that I now have my friends here to help me when I am struggling. Take care, Kat

Steely, I am so glad to hear that you went to counseling tonight. I also go to a group meeting every week. I do find it helps. Give it time. You really need to go at least three or four times before you make up your mind if you are going to continue. There is a book that I found helpful. The title of the book is I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can. As hard as it might be you have to remember to take care of yourself. I know that you are constantly thinking about Harold because I am constantly thinking about Pat. We will eventually be able to remember without it hurting so much. There are days that I say to myself that I don't want to do this anymore. Then I realize that Pat would not want me to give up. There are too many people here that need me. Just remember that whenever you need to talk to someone come here and we will listen. I know when I am loosing it I come here and pour my heart out and I know my friends here will help me through this difficut journey. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you. Take Care, Kat

Steely, I am so sorry for your loss. You have come to the right place. The people here, unfortunately, are on the same journey that you are on. We totally understand. We will listen anytime you need someone. Everything you are feeling is justified. Let your emotions go if you have to. You have lost your soul mate and best friend. The one thing that I have learned from the wonderful people here who are alittle further along than me (lost my husband 4 months ago) is that you need to take care of yourself. Remember to eat and sleep. The one thing that I do is journal. There I can talk to my husband and let my emotions flow. Helps me alot to just talk to him. Again, you have come to the right place. We can't take the away the pain but we can help you get through the pain. I have also learned you can't rush it. There will be good days and bad days. Everyone is here for you! Take care, Kat

Stuart, I am so sorry for your loss. You had a very special relationship with Heidi and you will always have memories to hold on to. It is okay to cry, scream or whatever makes you feel better. I have done all of these. My loss is fairly new. I lost my husband 4 months ago to a very aggressive form of Prostate Cancer. We had 25 wonderful years together and a wonderful son in his first year of Medical School. I can't tell you anything different that you haven't heard. My emotions are still all over the place. I have learned that you do have to be kind to yourself and take one day at a time. You have come to the right place. Everyone here knows what you are going through and will listen whenever you need someone to talk to. I also posted a beautiful poem. It is titled Needed to Share With Everyone! Hope you will find it comforting. Take care of yourself. Kat

Laurie, Your words are so comforting. It has only been 4 months for me and I still feel that grief is winning. Everywhere I go, everything I do I think of him. He was the center of my world for so long I don't know what to change in my life right now to start healing. I still feel that my world centers around him even though he is not here anymore. I just can't believe he is gone. Today has been a very hard day for me. I seem like I am walking in circles and not getting anything done. I tried going out last night with some friends. I forced myself to do it because I thought getting out would help. It did a little. The only problem is that coming home to an empty house started the emotions all over again. I know it takes time, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. He will always be my love and my best friend and I will always have a piece of my heart missing. I just pray for the strength to get through this. Kat

Linda, I can identify with everything you have just said. My days usually start out good but it doesn't take long for the tears to come. I too start thinking about each moment we spent together. His wonderful sense of humor and that laugh which was so infectious that if you didn't laugh along you definitely had a smile on your face. It isn't fair. Their lives were too short and they should be with us. The only thing that helps me is that I know he is not in pain anymore and that he is in a better place. I may not agree with the life he/we were dealt but somehow in my heart I have to accept it. I don't know when that will be. I will have to just have faith that one day I will. I know it is going to be a very long journey, but as everyone keeps telling me to take one day at a time and that is what I am trying to do. I am also very thankful for this sight. Everyone has such good advice to give. It is so comforting to know that when you are at a point mentally and emotionally and you don't know what to do or need to talk to someone there are people willing to listen. The people hear are so comforting and they help you realize that you are not alone. You take care, Kat

I don't know what is wrong with me. I can't get out of this dark place that I am in right now. I should be happy that the weekend is here but I'm not. I don't look forward to the weekends anymore. Weekends should be fun. We should be doing things together. Even it was just working in the yard. I do not have anything to look forward to. I keep taking out our wedding pictures and looking at them. I find comfort in looking at them although I get upset everytime. I can't believe that we will not have the life that we had planned. My husband was so proud of our son. He is in his first year of Med School and it makes me so sad that he will never see him become a doctor. This would have been a wonderful time for them. They both loved playing golf. They would have been enjoying each others company right now. My son was robbed of having an adult father/son relationship. This is not fair. I just don't understand why this had to happen. It is four months and it seems like I miss him more each day. I'm trying to see the light at the end of the tunnel but I can't. Thanks for listening. Kat

Ted I totally understand what you are feeling. I had a hard time when I got the call from the funeral home to pick up the death certificate. It just validated that everything was real. I thought that would be the hardest thing. I was wrong. The hardest was actually seeing his name on the grave. I just sat at the tomb and touched his name. I don't know why it just made me feel so close to him. I miss him so much. He was my everything. It is not fair that we have to go through something like this. You don't realize how precious your time is until you don't have it anymore. I would give anything to be able to see his beautiful blue eyes or to hear his wonderful laugh just one more time. We just have to remember that we are not alone. We have all these wonderful people on this website to help us through this. Kat

Linda, I know exactly how you feel. Although it has been 4 months since my husband died I still get mad. I get jealous when I go somewhere and I see couples holding hands, laughing. It takes me back to the times when we were like that. I know I have been told that one day my memories will make me smile. They only brings tears right now because I am still wishing for everything to be the way was. Hopefully time will help me understand that I need to focus on the now and not the past. My journaling does help but tears come when I am doing that also. Knowing that I am not on this journey alone helps. We will help each other get through this. Kat

I received this poem from a family member shortly after my husband's death. I read it all the time and it gives me such a good feeling. I cry eveytime I read it ..... but that is ok! To my dearest family, some things I'd like to say ... but first of all, to let you know, that I arrived okay. I'm writing this from heaven. Here I dwell with God above. Here, there's no more tears of sadness, here is just eternal love. Please do not be unhappy just because I'm out of sight. Remember that I'm with you every morning, noon and night. That day I had to leave you when my life on earth was through, God picked me up and hugged me and He said, "I welcome you." It's good to have you back again, you were missed while you were gone. As for your dearest family, they'll be here later on. I need you here badly; you're part of my plan. There's so much that we have to do, to help our mortal man. God gave me a list of things, that he wished to me to do. And foremost on the list, was to watch and care for you. And when you lie in bed at night, the day's chores put to flight. God and I are closest to you .... in the middle of the night. When you think of my life on earth, and all those loving years because your are only human, they are bound to bring you tears. But do not be afraid to cry; it does relieve the pain. Remember there would be no flowers, unless there was some rain. I wish that I could tell you all God has planned. But if I were to tell you, you wouldn't understand. But one thing is for certain, though my life on earth is o'er. I'm closer to you now, than I ever was before. There are many rocky roads ahead of you and many hills to climb; but together we can do it by taking one day at a time. It was always my philosophy and I'd like it for you too ... that as you give unto the world, the world will give to you. If you can help somebody who's in sorrow and pain, then you can say to God at night .... "My day was not in vain." And now I am contented .... that my life has been worthwhile, knowing as I passed along the way, I made somebody smile. So if you meet somebody who is sad and feeling low, just lend a hand to pick him up, as on your way you go. When you're walking down the street, and you've got me on your mind; I'm walking in your footsteps only a step behind. And when it's time for you to go .... from that body to be free, remember you're not going .... you're coming here to me. Ruth Ann Mahaffey (author)

I want to thank everyone for letting me know that what I am feeling is normal. I always feel so much better when I get on this site. It is so comforting. Everyone is so kind and totally understands what you are going through. Thanks so much.

Today was not a good day. All I did all day was think of those last days in the hospital. Tomorrow will be 4 months. It seems like yesterday. I am just not understanding why he had to be taken from me. I feel cheated. Our son just graduated from college and this was supposed be "our time" together but that will not be possible now. I get so angry sometimes I just want to scream. The future that we planned will not happen. I guess I am just feeling sorry for myself today. Thanks for listening.

When my dad died in 2004 I thought I had signs that he was still with me. I was so worried that I wouldn't have a sign from my husband after he passed. The day that I was to go to the funeral home to make the arrangements, I got in the car and on the radio was our song. I took that as a sign from him that he was ok and that he was with me. Sometimes when I am having a difficult time the song will come on the radio while I'm at work. Last night I was a roller coaster of emotions. I was a little bit better this morning. I got ready for work and got in the car. I couldn't believe it but when I started the car the song was on the radio. Needless to say I had a pretty good day. I felt that he was still looking out for me. Does anyone else have signs from their loved ones?