Kat2005

Debbie, I sort of chuckled when I read your post. I very rarely was cold even in the middle of the winter. Can't really sleep with too much heat. The only thing that would be like ice were my feet. I would always rub my feet on Pat to try to get them warm. It aggrevated him so much. He would always make me put on a pair of socks (sexy in know). The bed seems so cold and lonely since he is gone. Here go my emotions again. One minute I am smiling about old times and then the tears start flowing. I miss him so much. Kat

Hey Deborah, I know for me lately everything I touch makes my mind wander back to when Pat was still with me. My heart aches so much for him sometimes the only way I get comfort is either looking at my wedding pictures or writing in my journal. Just the thought of going through the holidays without him makes my heart ache. I did put a tree up this year basically for my son and know that Pat would have wanted me to. I just started over with everything new. There was no way of using what I had last year...... too many memories. Especially, when I was putting up the tree last year I was thinking that it might be our last Christmas. I don't know if anyone else is having this problem but I have been so forgetful lately. I will start saying something and I will loose what I was even talking about. The other day I went into the kitchen and couldn't remember why I was there. Sometimes I think I am loosing it. My mind just wanders. I feel so lost at times I don't know if I am coming or going. This is so difficult for me. I was having some really goods days lately but I seem like I am falling backwards. I am hoping the holidays have alot to do with it. Thanks for listening. Sometimes I just need to ramble on. Take care my friends, Kat

What a great saying!!!! Kat

Mrs. B, I just wanted to let you know that I will not be sending Christmas cards this year. I am having a hard time just signing my name also. Samething with the cards for the packages. I started to recieve cards from family and friends and it brought tears when I saw just my name. It is just so hard to grasp all these "firsts". There are too many too fast. Take care, Kat

Hi Rochel, I am so glad you are doing well in California. I am actually thinking about visiting my sister, she lives down the penisular from San Francisco sometime this summer. I am trying to look to future but I feel stuck. I still am having trouble accepting this life that has been handed to me. These last couple of days I just can't stop thinking about how it used to be. I feel like I am going backwards in this journey. The little bit of joy I got by putting up a tree is gone. I just miss Pat so much. Well tomorrow is a new day and I know things will get better eventually. I know there will be setbacks but my wonderful memories will carry me through. I know it just takes time. We usually have a quiet Christmas Eve at home. We do the family thing on Christmas Day. Hope to see you here on Christmas Eve. Take care, Kat

First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. Your wife sounds like a wonderfull woman and your life together was blessed. I know what you mean when you said that there will never be anyone else. I feel the same way. It will be six months on the 23rd of this month that I lost my husband to prostate cancer. I know I will never love anyone the way I loved him. The same goes for the way he loved me. I don't think I will feel loved like that again. I also had the "what if's".... I am still dealing with that. Should I have taken him to the doctor sooner, should I have gotten a second opinion, I don't know. I have to believe that I did all that I could do. God just had a different plan for him. I find much comfort in journaling. I journal every night. It makes me feel that I am still sharing my days with him. I have found much comfort and support from everyone here. When you need to talk there is always someone here that is listening. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Take care, Kat

Kath, What a beautiful story! Thanks for sharing. Kat

Hi! First let me say how sorry I am for your loss. I lost my husband of 25 years June, 2009. He died of an aggressive form of prostate cancer. He was diagnosed September, 2008. Everything is so new for you. You need to take one day at a time. You need to try and eat and try to get sleep. There are going to be some people that are going to do and are going to say things that will upset you. I really don't think they know what to say and alot of the times they just say the wrong things. You have had a huge loss and I know it is hard to get through your normal routine. Nothing seems normal right now. Just be kind to yourself. Come here whenever you need anyone to talk to. The people here are wonderful and give wonderful advice. You are not alone. We are all here for you, we are all on this journey together. Take care, Kat

Kath, I have definitely become very absentminded since Pat passed at the end of June. I have locked myself out of the house and lost keys more than once. I can't count how many times I have gone to do something and turned around and forget what I was going to do. Just like Linda I have learned to write everything down because I can not depend on myself to remember things. We have talked about this in grief support group and it is definitely the journey we are on that consumes us. If it wasn't for this forum I would think I was going crazy. Sharing with everyone helps to know that I am not alone and all that I am feeling and doing is normal. Again, I would like to thank everyone here. You have helped me through some really rough days. Days that I didn't know how I was going to get through. Thank you. Kat

Kim I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. Kat

Wendy, That is wonderful news. You and your family must be so thrilled that your grandmother is doing so much better. What a wonderful Christmas gift. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Kat

I tried to do the little bit of Christmas shopping that I had to do today. It was really difficult but it made me realize Pat would not want me to "not" do Christmas at all this year. So I made a decision to buy a new tree and some new ornaments. I just couldn't put up the one we had last year. I remember thinking while I was putting it up that it might be our last Christmas together. Unfortunately, I was right. I'll donate the old tree to the retirement community that my mom lives in. I recieved a candle on All Saint's Day from our church that we will light on Christmas in honor of Pat. It was really a difficult decision but I know this is what he would want me to do because this was his favorite time of year. I am really glad I was able to do this. It actually made me feel good. I don't know how long this feeling will last but I will cherish it for now. To all my friends on this site, I hope you will find some happiness during this holiday season. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Kat

LindaG, If I could blink my eyes and already be in the middle of January I would. If I could I would skip Christmas all together this year. We talked about the holidays at my grief meeting and they said we should do whatever we need to do this year for the holidays. Family members should understand. We shouldn't feel guilty for anything we decide. I just feel I can't totally skip the holidays. My mother is 84 and then there is my son. I couldn't do that to them. Pat knew how much I enjoyed the holidays and I don't think he would want me to stay at home by myself. I know it won't be an all day affair like it usually is. I will be able to do only so much. As for New Year's I have decided it will be me and my journal ..... and maybe a glass of wine. I want to hang on to 2009 for some reason. I don't know why. I guess it is just starting a new year without Pat. Starting a new year all alone. Take care, Kat

OH! I read your post wrong. I didn't realize that she wrote on the back of the picture. That was not appropriate to send. I would have reacted exactly the way you did. I am so sorry. Put it out of your mind and concentrate on all the good memories you shared with Brian .... like your "chili pepper lights". They may bring tears but try to remember all the smiles they brought. I know it is easier said than done. We are going through this together. You lean on me and I will lean on you. Take care, Kat

Linda, I am so sorry this happened to you. I don't think people realize how hard this journey is. You have to go through this to understand it. She didn't have to include a picture of her and her husband, the card would have been sufficient. I have been avoiding everything Christmas. It is going to be so hard to celebrate when my love isn't here to be with me. I thought about putting up the tree a few times and then I just tell myself maybe later. Don't know if it will ever be put up. I know the Christmas cards will start coming shortly. I guess I will deal with that when it happens. Linda, you can vent anytime you want. You are always there for all of us. Lean on us for awhile. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Kat

Wendy, I will keep your grandmother in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Kat

Jackie I have also read "I'm Grieving As Fast As I Can". Like Rochel said, it answers alot of questions that you wouldn't think of. It has helped me. I am open to anything that will ease the pain of this journey that we are on. My prayers and thoughts are with you. Take care, Kat

Caroline Thanks so much for sharing that lovely poem. I lost my husband on June 23rd and it definitely hits home. I still wonder if I did everything that I could have. Thanks again and take care, Kat

Ted, I actually use something that I buy over the counter. It is put out by the makers of Tylenol PM, it just doesn't contain the pain medication. It is strickly for helping you sleep. It is called "Simply Sleep". It doesn't leave any lasting effects like some medications. I don't feel groggy the next morning. It works for me so I thought I would just pass on. Take care, Kat

Ted, I am not expert on this but I do know that alcohol is not the answer. It actually will make your symptoms worse like you said. I hope you don't take this the wrong way but I think you might need to talk to your doctor. I know many people say that they don't want to take any medications. I didn't want to take anything either but I was crying all the time and I felt like I couldn't function in the everyday world. I decided to talk to my doctor and she prescribed Wellbutrin XL. I did find it helped. It just takes the edge off. I still cry and go through everything that I was feeling and going through before, it is just not as intense. I feel like I can control it a little more. You also know that we are all here for you when you need us. Next time when you get the urge to have that little drink come here I am sure there will be someone here that will listen. Take Care, Kat

Mrs. B I totally agree with everything Linda has said .... She has such a beautiful way of putting her thoughts into words. I do have times when I am happy but I also have times where I feel guilty and angry. I second guess myself all the time. My thoughts always return to the time we found out Pat was sick. Should I have noticed signs or should I have made him go to the doctor sooner. I will never know the answers to those questions. Deep down I know that I did everything I could but that doesn't stop me from asking "why". How could he leave me when this was supposed to be our time together. I get angry because I feel cheated out of this time of my life. I know he had no control over this. I know he wouldn't have left me if he didn't have to. I just have to believe that he is still with me and watching over and taking care of me in a different way. I always feel so much better when I get on this forum. I feel such a connections to everyone here. Thanks for being there for me! Take care, Kat

Debbie, What a wonderful idea. To honor our loved ones in such a way will make the holidays alittle easier. Thanks for sharing. Kat

Linda, I will keep you in my prayers and I hope your have a safe trip home. This roller coaster of emotions are so hard to deal with right now. I need to have some work done on our garage soon so I needed to start cleaning it out. As I said before, Pat was a pack rat. He didn't want to throw anything away because there was always that small chance he may need it in the future. I really didn't think it would make the tears flow as it did. It was actually just as hard or harder than cleaning closets. There was so much of Pat in that garage that I lost it. The tools that he used to do work around the house with and the bike he took his afternoon rides around the neighborhood. He loved riding his bike because he stopped driving about a year ago and he it allowed him to get out of the house on nice days. I know he was probably watching everything I was doing and saying don't throw that away you may need that. I know it is going to take time. During this journey we will have alot of ups and downs. Some days will be good days and some days not so good. We just have to believe that there is purpose for all of this and we will be stronger. Tomorrow is a new day. I wonder what it will have to offer. I will keep everyone in my thoughts and prayers. Take care, Kat

Linda G, What a great story! I too have questioned if I did everything I could have when Pat was sick. He had such a hard time telling us what was going on. It was pretty much a guessing game. I know I can't hang on to the "what if's" because deep down I know that I did my best. I just think my best was not good enough. I always ask myself did I miss something that would have made a difference. I just miss Pat so much I keep looking for answers. I am so glad that I have everyone here because it makes my days alittle bit easier. I know I am not alone and everyone is willing to listen and offer their kind words of encouragement. One day at a time. I have to remember one day at a time. Take care, Kat

Ted, I feel pretty much like Linda. Right now I would feel like I would be cheating on Pat. I do miss the hugs though. He was always a hugger. Right now my memories are all that I need. I don't know what the future holds but I will just take it one day at a time for now. Take care, Kat