Lainey

Dear Butch.... I just read your last topic and cannot imagine the pain you are going through. My heart breaks for you, not just for you and your wife having to live with such a terrible debilitating disease, but also losing four grandchildren. How horrendous for all of your family. Please know that I am thinking of you, sending hugs and energy and whatever else you need.

Robin, remember the good qualities that you had in Kevin. Do not expect to find someone that is completely different. Six years ago I felt that I was ready to look for a partner, but he had to be completely different than Lars was. Oh yes I found him, someone that laughed and joked and made me laugh all the time. Someone that didn't take much seriously. I wasted almost a year with this man. One morning I woke up and realized I did want someone that was more like my husband had been. Yes, he was too serious at times, yes he followed a budget, yes he did all the responsible things a husband should do, but in forty one years I felt safe and protected. The next man I found was much like my husband, although he had a sense of humor, he made me laugh, but we had serious discussions also. It isn't fair to compare the two men, but always remember.... it doesn't hurt for the new man in your life to have some of the same qualities as Kevin did. After all, you loved your husband for who he was, give another guy the same chance.

Oh my it would be so wonderful to have his cuddles and kisses again. To be able to laugh and joke again, just be happy

KayC , As much as i loved my first husband, we had responsibilities... jobs, bills, children and all that couples had to deal with .His Parkinson's and cancer changed him.When he passed I was exhausted from being his caregiver for so long. Four years later, Tom came into my life. We were free of mortgages, free of raising kids, we were free to do as we wanted. And we did just that. In four years we crammed in what many couples have in twenty years. We were soulmates, we had the same dreams and we followed them, whether it was a trip somewhere or just being together having a coffee on the front step.As you and George were.... we were complete. I miss that so much right now, I wonder why we had such a short time, but I know those memories with him will always be special. PS.. my tree and decorations are coming down tomorrow, Christmas has left my heart for now.

My condolences to you Darrel. You are so right that we have learned to hate one of the happiest seasons that we used to love. I'm lucky that I have two grandchildren that still believe in the magic of Santa , so when I see their eyes light up on Christmas Eve, I can find joy from that. My family have a tradition now that before we open presents, we have to toast Grampa Lars and Papa Tom. Zoey the four year old decided tonight that she wanted to say a toast. "We are family and that's what counts". We have to learn that we have to be there for our families, they are grieving for the loved ones also.Hopefully you have family to support and help you through this time.

Yes you're right So Alone..... one step at a time. Baby steps this time. I've done the grief thing once already.... I don't want to do it again,I just want to get on with life.

Alina, I"m so sorry that this happened to you , but don't apologize. This is our safe place. My first loss was in 2009, and on Oct 11, 2017 I lost my second spouse. The emptiness around the Christmas season has never gone away, it lessened for a period and now once again, it's back just as strong. I'm hoping you can a little joy in your heart, maybe the memories will help or is it too soon?

I remember when the Christmas season would come, how excited I would get. My children would be so excited. and as they grew up and had children, it became even more exciting. With all the presents and family togetherness, there was always a sadness in my heart.. I wanted the happiness to last longer. Now I have a sadness but or different reasons. I still enjoy the kids, but it's hard to get excited when I know there is emptiness inside missing Lars and now Tom. Two people that made Christmas the best time of the year for me. I put on a smile and do what I have to do, but my heart isn't in it. I'm wishing one and all a Merry Christmas and may our hearts start the New Year with a less heavy heart.

Thanks Marty , that is exactly why I came back to what I call my safe haven . Everyone on here was and is wonderful .

On Dec 11th 2009 I lost my first husband due to bladder cancer. Four years later I met Tom.We had a wonderful four years together, travelling, meeting new people, and just living as a couple. This Oct11th, he passed away from a ruptured aorta in his upper heart . It was very sudden, even though we knew of the problem. One death was prolonged, I was a caregiver for many months but the grieving process was terrible. You were all here to help me. This death was sudden and I was in shock during the funeral.We had been living together and I had as long as I wanted to stay in the house. Rather than stay, I found an apartment ,making me very close to my kids. Because of packing and moving within two months of his death, my mind was occupied. Now I am in the beginning stages of grief again and am fighting it.I have not really broke down and cried and grieved, except for tonight This group has been here for me once, i am hoping you will be here for me again please

Dear Peanutbritt.... I can relate to how you are feeling, I lost my second husband less than a month ago. I will never ever regret that I met my second partner though. The pain is just as bad as the first time, but you got to love a second time and you will never regret that. Sending jugs and love , Lainey

Thank you for your good wishes... i truly hope that others will be able to find happiness again if that's what they want. Melina, we will never find a person that will measure up to our spouses, but we can find a person who has qualities that are just as good as what our spouses had. It would not be fair to compare. Tom has a soft heart, he's kind and thoughtful, all of what Lars was. Tom has a wonderful sense of humor where Lars was very serious. Tom loves to travel where Lars never enjoyed it They both have the same good qualities that I wanted, but my life has changed, as all our lives have and this time I need the laughter, and the fun times we have travelling and the sense of being with someone who cares about me as much as I care about him. I know it isn't easy finding someone new after so many years... we have no idea how to go about it. I guess I believe that things happen for a reason and Tom and I met by chance for a reason.

Five years ago today my husband died of bladder cancer. Someone sent me the link to this group and after reading it a few times i decided to join . It was so easy to pour out my feelings to people I never met and to read responses from them. I got to know most of the regulars and felt like I knew them as friends... which I desperately needed at the time Five years ago my life was shattered. I never thought it would get better. The first year was a complete blur. The second year all I knew was the pain of losing my husband, m best friend, my soul mate. The beginning of the third year found me wanting to have a companion to go out to dinner, a movie... all the things you lose when you lose your partner. By the fourth year I saw the sun again, my heart was lighter and I did find someone to fill the loneliness. Then he told me he loved me and i realized that I had fallen in love with him. We now are so happy together, Five years ago, I would never have believed that I could be this happy again. For some of you, you are content to live with the memories and that's wonderful. I chose to make new ones. I really don't know why I'm posting this, maybe just to let the ones that want to move forward with other partners, that it is possible ... A corner of my heart will always be Lars'

Dear Melina, You know my position on this.. I believe totally that there is another plateau we go to , for believers, we feel their presence, for non believers.. they look at us as if we're crazy. I think that many people have had experiences with loved ones but won't admit to it because they're afraid of what people will think. I've told you a few of my experiences, and still get little reminders that he's still around . Keep believing.. no one knows what the universe holds. Dave.. when Lars and I got married, the first Christmas I bought him a new cologne"Brut". For all our life together, even after retirement and as he got sicker the first thing he would do in the morning was put the Brut on. Not surprisingly, I smell it often throughout the house. Lainey

Melina, My nest has been empty of children since the mid 90's, then the grandchildren came along and I was able to look after them until they were school age and now they're 11 and 14, so really don't need looking after. Luckily on days off school, they often sleep over and then we spend the day together. When Lars left, the emptiness was unbearable for awhile, radio and TV on all day and most nights I'd fall asleep in front of the TV. Now I actually enjoy the quiet most times. Lainey

I don't want to do the things I have to do most days either,but like every one of us, I plod along hoping it will get better as time passes. Harry, what you are doing is huge compared to what I am doing. My work against cancer is taking my brother-in-law to the clinics and looking up info for him. I drive my sisters mother-in-law to her appointments with the oncologist, I sit with her as she gets her treatment, and try to find information for her also.I hate the word, the disease and the fact that cures are not forthcoming. I want my husband back.. but that is not to be. Tomorrow will be twenty-six months and three days since I told Lars I loved him and he squeezed my hand.Shortly after that he took his last breath. Tomorrow I will light his memory candle, send another balloon into the sky and remember the good times. Will the special days ever get easier? It seems just as I'm on the road to doing better, another "Day" comes along and I'm back to feeling rotten again. I wish for tomorrow, the day of love, that we all find peace within as we remember our loved ones and what we shared with them. Lainey

Dear Kimberly, There is no doubt in my mind that you were meant to see that dandelion, and yes I think Dragon sent you to the spot. My husband passed Dec. 11,2009 and daily I either feel his presence or he talks to me. Now does that sound crazy??? My husband will never be far from me, he is partly why I am what I am today, and because of that he's with me forever. Embrace those wonderful moments when he is close to you. Lainey

Rose, I'm so sorry that you have to join this forum, but it is very helpful. We've all been to the same place you are. How long has it been since David paseed on? And do your in-laws still live with you? You've had the job of caregiver for what seems to be a long time and probably really need to take time for yourself. Is there other family of David's that could take the parents? Can your family (siblings) help you with your Dad? You could end up wearing yourself out, if you haven't already, then what would happen? It's time for you to start looking after you.. try to get proper rest, exercise if you're able, eat properly, drink enough water and take the time for some "Rose" time. Lainey

Harry, Once again, perfectly said. We all will, for the rest of our lives feel the loss of our spouse deeply. The difference between everyone is choosing to go forward or staying in a state of "what was". I loved and still do love Lars with all my being.. but I also know that he would want me to move on. At 60 years old I am not ready to wait to die, therefore I will forge on. If I live the rest of my life alone that's okay, if I find love again ,that too is fine. But I will not let life pass me by without at least trying to find peace and happiness again. Lainey

This is one lonely journey... how grateful I am for all we had....how sad I have been all week Dear Mary, Your words are so beautiful,yet so sad. So much truth.. This is my second full year of doing everything without Lars and have found it very difficult most of the year. Lainey

Dear Kim, I'm very sorry that you lost your loved one.. but glad you found this site. You're new at this journey we all are going through, so naturally you'll be feeling all the things you are. Lars passed away Dec 11, 2009 and I there are days where I think I'm losing my mind.I still ahve trouble sleeping for most of Dec., I forget what I'm doing and on and on. You definitely are'nt crazy, therapy of any kind helps, as does coming here to talk, rant, rave whatever. We've all been there. Group therapy seemed to help me the most. Just be good to yourself, try to rest when you need to and exercise. Lainey

My third Christmas without Lars and it has so far been the hardest. I'm also dreading New Years, we didn't make a big deal of it, but for just the two of us it was special.We were together and that's all that mattered. Lainey

When the first anniversaary of Lars' passing rolled around (Dec 11, 2010) I wasn't sure I would be able to handle the day. Our kids and grandbabies came over ,we cried, toasted Lars with his favorite Scotch, reminisced and had a meal that he loved. This year was going to be the same as far as I was concerned. Yesterday I was busy with taking two g/children Xmas shopping etc. After supper I put a favorite Christmas CD on and soon realized my mistake. It was the one that Lars loved to sing to.At that point the tears started, cried off and on until I went to bed at 11pm. This morning I figured I would beat the tears and go walking at the field house before I began supper preparations. Not so much.. I wasn't even in the house before the tears started again and continued all day. I think most of my fear is letting go of Lars. Knowing he will never be back with me, I know, is reality.But how do you just let go of something that was the most precious ,wonderful thing in your life? Can someone shed some light on this? I know it's supposed to get easier,and most of the time I'm doing okay? Now I'm afraid of what year #3 is going to be like. Lainey

Mary, "When Bill was alive I did not notice much how superficial some people are....I did not care then." We all on this site know exactly how you feel and go through the anger as you do, but as you said,"I did not care then". None of us recognized the pain a loss can cause until it happened to us,and therefore we try to help but don't realize how much we're hurting the person we're actually trying to console. Don't get me wrong, my anger is just under the surface and sometimes I just don't care what I say to the people trying to help. Most of the time I try to be polite and tell them I'm good. Maybe we SHOULD be telling people how their statements offend us, maybe we should try to educate them. When my Dad died I really didn't understand how my mother could lose interest in everything and I never thought to ask her how she really felt. After losing Lars, I now understand her. Hang in there, express yourself to your friends.. maybe they'll understand how you really feel. Lainey

I'm sorry that you lost your loved one so early in life.Regardless of how long you were together, the pain is the same. Heart wrenching wish you could die pain that doesn't want to go away.After 2 years on Dec. 11th, the pain is there, but less. In the first 3 months after my husband passed, I felt his presence in the middle of the night 3 times.Some might say I was dreaming, but the second time I woke up and felt someone/thing on the bed beside me. I was on my tummy facing away from the door, so wasn't able to see anything. I tried to scream but couldn't. Finally I felt gentle rubbing on my back and knew it was Lars. I WAS NOT sleeping!!. Since then I dream of him often, but no visits. I believe that our loved ones are with us, they watch over us and guide us. With their help, if we let them, we learn to live and deal with our pain and loss. Lainey