Lainey

Definitely an article that needs to be kept, I've put it in my favorites and printed it out fora few people. Thanks Marty. Lainey

Mary, My family also knows that I will NOT go through the chemo or radiation or any medications that will interfere with my time on this earth. Life is too short to kill ourselves while trying to save ourselves.There are many alternative things I believe that can be tried,they may not cure the cancer, but they can keep it at bay for a period of time. I've watched a close friend go through the conventional treatment, only to have the cancer come back within 3 months. She followed the alternate therapy, and though the cancer won,her last few months were much less painful and she was less sick. I'm happy that your brother has been able to keep the disease at bay, but at what cost to his body? What other organs are being attacked? As Becky said to Harry "God bless you Harry for supporting your cause and honoring Jane because I can't run fast enough away from it right now."I feel exactly like that.I truly wish that I was strong enough to do what Harry is doing,but because of the crap we were put through ,I too,can't run fast enough to get away. And Dave, yes we are survivors in the sense that we lived through having our loved one die from the disease. As a wife though, I still go to bed at night and see the disease taking over Lars' body and brain(Meds). I will never get those images out of my head. My whole attitude toward alot of diseases has been changed,not only because of our situation, but because of watching many other people close to me suffer from cancer. Lainey

Dave, Are we really survivors? I think the suffering and pain of losing a loved one to cancer affects us more than we realize. I wish that I was able to say that I believed a person can be cured, from what I've learned and seen of the disease, the only positive I've gotten out of it is that a person with /cured of cancer is that they know what they're going to eventually die from. If we are lucky enough not to get cancer we won't know what we'll die from. I know this sounds harsh and mean ..just my opinion of the disease. The doctors and drug companies aren't going to tell us there probably isn't a medication that will cure us. If they did, would you send them your hard earned money? I know I sure wouldn't, so they keep us believing that with our money, they will find a cure. Find a cure for cancer and watch the drug companies go broke. But I believe that's the case of many diseases. Lainey

Harry, Once again you've voiced words that many of us are most likely thinking. You are so right in saying that cancer destroys not only the patient, but also the people around them. Our lives are changed in so many ways when we are faced with this horrible disease and lose our loved ones to it. At one time I really believed that you could survive if you were able to catch the monster in time. When Lars was told in Aug. 2009 that the scans and MRI showed he was cancer free, we thought we had a new lease on life. It took less than 2 months for the cancer to come back and he succumbed to the disease on Dec.11, 2009. There have been many other people that I was close to that have died after they were CANCER-FREE.The fear now that I carry is that my sister-in-law and 2 brothers in law will die regardless of the treatment. So it is really worth all the hell that people go through for an extra month or two? What quality of life is that? I thank God every day that Lars was not able to have chemo or radiation for his cancer (bladder). He had one kidney removed in April 2009 and the chemo would have destroyed the other one. So regardless of who you are...Cancer changes you and your way of thinking of the disease.I donate as much as I can, but only take it directly to the Cancer Society or Palliative Care. That way I was told, there are no admin. fees and the full amount is given. Harry, I must also mention that the one I e-mailed you about had the test done and she doesn't have NEC. Thanks for your info on your Walking with Jane site. Lainey

For sure I felt exactly the same way. For the first six months it was terrible. For someone that is(was) always organized, it was very hard to deal with. Now I'm nearing the 2 year mark and ,though it is better, I still at times will go downstairs to get something and come up with something altogether different. I now write down the important things and don't sweat the small stuff.It does get better. When did you lose your husband? I'm sorry that you had a rough 2 years, anger can be so negative and you deserved to be able to at least try to enjoy the time you had left. Lainey

Mary, Lars will be gone 2 years on Dec 11th and while it is still hard to believe and go on at times, they are becoming less painful as time goes on. I met a very nice man a few weeks ago, he has a wonderful smile that reaches his eyes, he's very articulte in his speech, and has done a bit of travelling in his job. After spending a few evening together,enjoyable as it was being able to banter with a man again, I realized that this was not for me. Having lost his wife , he was understanding to my feelings. Will this develop later?I sure don't know, but one thing I realized was that at no time did I compare him with Lars. Lainey

Ken, I'm so sorry that you lost your wife,I'm sorry your son has to leave so soon too. You are at the right place. Everyone on this forum is very kind and understanding, as we've all been there. After only one week, may I suggest that you don't get rid of her things, instead maybe just put away in boxes the things on her dresser/nightstand and bathroom things.Anything to do with her sickness would probably be good to get rid of. Before my husband passed he told me to pack up the winter clothes (even before he was gone) and give them to the homeless shelter. I hated doing it but followed his wishes. The rest of the belongings were slowly put in boxes and stored or given to Salvation Army. Now, at almost 2 years, I find I can go downstairs and get a box out and decide what needs to be done with it.Yet there are probably many people that haven't touched a thing of their spouses. You have to decide what's best for you, but like Dave said, I also encourage you to wait. As for going to a bereavement group..yes it was a great help to me, it was a 13 week class where you saw a video then went in small groups and discussed the video plus many other things.Then you answered questions from the book if you felt like it, again it helped me alot. Also finding this site and being able to talk/read how others were coping was helpful. Please take care of yourself Ken, make sure you're eating properly, drinking enough water and sleeping as much as possible. This journey is not easy and doesn't end quickly, so you really need to look after yourself. Lainey

Dwayne, I'm sorry that I missed your b/day, but don't come on as often. Anyway, it sounds like you had a great day. I'd like to commend you on the time and effort you've put into helping Donna and Greg, You are what is a truly unselfish person and If I ever have to be in hospital,I'm hping for a nurse like you're going to be. Lainey

This forum certainly feels like a better place for us "oldies" to share. As Mary said, our pain is less raw, but always there. Marty, interesting reading..thanks We all are too hard on ourselves, we have to learn that this process is most likely a life long experience that we will be going through.I was having a conversation with a fellow that lost his wife 10 years ago, and he said there are times when out of the blue the searing, heart wrenching pain just hits out of nowhere. I find that usually once a day I get the heart breaking pain , it doesn't last long, as I remember the wonderful marriage we had and our children.The good times make it easier to cope, I also have many quotes that I can read and my photo scrapbbooks on our life together help me through the day. Lainey

I don't know how many Canadians are on this site, to all that are"Happy Thanksgiving". Since Lars has died almost 2 years ago,I look at all holidays in a different way, usually with much sadness that he's not here with us, but also with a happy heart that we were able to spend so many wonderful holidays together. So today as my family gathers I'm going to remember the good things of my life that I'm thankful for today and every day. I'm thankful to be living where I am, and not in a war zone. I'm thankful that I have enough food and drink. Im thankful for my health. I'm thankful for my family and friends. I'm thankful that I have all of you for support. And last but not least, I'm so thankful I had 41 wonerful years with Lars. Lainey

I'm sorry that at such a young age you're having to go through such a horrific thing. And how terrible Deric must have been feeling to do what he did. My heart goes out to you both. Thank you for sharing the news article.. I've never heard of bath salts other then the ones you add to bath water. As a grandma to two 14 year old girls, you can be sure we'll be having a chat about this "drug". I commend you for being able to share with everyone how terrible this type of drug can be, it can't be easy as you're grieving your loss. Hopefully more people will be aware of the effects of the drug and be able to stop others from harming themselves. Lainey

Dear Kay, Sorry I missed your special day, hope you spoiled yourself a little. Happy belated birthday. Lainey

I love the fall colors and cooler weather,but it also makes me sad when I think of the flowers and leaves dying. In Canada we probably will have a snowfall by Hallowe'en and then hopefully it will melt for awhile. One of my jobs for the last few years was cleaning the driveway and sidewalks(Lars' legs were too sore for him to do it), that is one job I don't look froward to. Lars and I spent many wonderful Sunday afternoons driving around looking at all the colors, stopping for a picnic or a coffee. The past two years I've avoided going anywhere that we'd been before he got sick, but I'm thankful I have the memories. This is my 3rd Christmas alone, I don't think it will be any easier than the last one was. At least my children and grandchildren are here, but they go home for the night, and that's when the sadness and lonliness starts.But we will all get through it, we have no other choice . Lainey

Dear Kathey, I'm sorry to hear of your loss, and your childrens loss of both parents within such a short time.Lean on the children and they will lean back so you can heal together as a family unit. They neeed you as much as you need them. You've come to a great group of people that are willing to listen to what you have to say as well as give advice.Many times even just reading the posts gave me the hope that one day things will get better, and slowly they are. I lost my husaband to bladder cancer that spread to other parts on Dec.11,2009.There are still many times that I need guidance for my feelings. Going to group therapy also helped me, as well as one on one therapy. I think we open up much more with just one person there. I hope some of this helps.Please write whenever and whatever you need to. Lainey

When I was at the counsillor she suggested that I find some books pertaining to the grief that the caregiver carries. I know from reading posts that many of us were primary caregivers for a long period . I'm wondering if any of you have read any that were of help, and would you pass the titles on to me. Thanks, Lainey

Dear Mary, I began my Christmas shoping in Aug. while on holidays. I love going into little gift shops that have uniqe things, found two or three of them so figured it was a good time to start. Lars and I always did Christmas shopping together, so i find it difficult now. If I space it out it's not as hard. This will be my third year as he passed Dec.11,2009 and someone has always been with me at night after the celebrating is over. This year I'm choosing to be alone for the night and not really looking forward to that. I find the other holidays not as bad, as a family, we spend them together so the day of.. I'm not alone. Lainey

My husband Lars passed on Dec.11,2009 from bladder cancer. He also was diagnosed with Parkinson's in 2002 and had two back surgeries for leg pain in 2008. After many trips to doctors, and therapy for back and leg pain(still)we were both exhausted and our patience with each would wear thin at times. After his death, I went to a counsillor, had group therapy and made it through the firsts. I thought that I was well on my way to healing and understanding my grief. When I started into my second year, little reminders of things I didn't want to remember began to haunt me.I became cranky when Lars would ask me to rub his legs to take the pain away, or to help him get comfortable. These requests were usually in the middle of night and I wasn't sleeping well to begin with. We were always running to doctors, tests, or therapy, the cooking and house work never got done. By this time I had put my home based business on hold, There was resentment on my part that I had to do that. I needed to get away and that caused guilt ,especially after his friend told me that he was afraid when I wasn't with him. Lars was on pain and anti-anxiety med's, the last few months of his life he became paranoid and hallucinated off and on. His last night that he spent at home was very terrible on both of us. About 4 months ago, these memories surfaced in the middle of the night,causing hysteria,panic attacks,chest pains etc. I really and truly thought I was losing my mind that night. These memories of the last night and new ones that I preferred to keep hidden were constantly on my mind.. day and night. I started using sleeping pills again, they were useless. I finally made an appt. with my counsillor again and thank goodness she was able to help me understand that these memories were so painful I had shoved them deep inside until I was ready to deal with them emotionally. With her help and me realizing that I did all I could and I wasn't a bad person and not a failure, I'm healing again. The reason for this topic is not to have people feel sorry or me, but to open up the topic and have other people that may be going through this hell realize that it has to be worked out. The bad has to surface at some time, when it does, get the help you need. DON'T wait like I did. Lainey

Marty, I also agree that the title and wording are perfect. Lainey

Year Two and Beyond sounds perfect. I think a new forum is better than a topic, as more people that are beyond year one may look at it Lainey

Thanks so much Marty, I was hoping for that. Lainey

Hi Mary, I'd like to keep the topic going, but am not sure if it belongs here or maybe it should be in 'New Beginnings', but that doesn't feel appropriate either. I know what you mean about missing Bill more, I'm having the same thing happening. Lars has been in my life for 43 years and it just feels wrong that he isn't by my side anymore.We were lucky enough to have 3 children,as well as 4 grandchildren and we try to have supper together on Sunday(as we did when Lars was alive),so the lonliness isn't as bad for me. This summer the g/babies were with me alot, they are 14 and 11, the 11 year olds are still wanting to do crafts and go swimming so I was busy. The nights are long and lonely, at 60 years old, I'm not sure if I want to spend the rest of my days alone. How do you know when you're ready for a new relationship? So many questions with no answers. Hope you're doing okay, I like your idea of painting, maybe I'll consider that. I do stickmen really well. Lainey

I'm nearing the two year mark and am looking for answers that apply to the people that are past the terrible first year and still not sure about many things. I've checked the other topics and none seem to be what I want. Might there be need for something like this, or am I the only one feeling this way? I've spent many hours on 'Loss of Spouse' and it has been a Godsend to me. Thank you Marty for the work and love you put into GHDG. You are what makes it what it is. Lainey

Cheryl, you hit the nail on the head when you said it was fear that we're feeling. "Guilt is not a pure, basic human feeling such as anger,happiness,sorrow or fear. Guilt is a ruse, a cover up, an instead-of mechanism, and we invoke it voluntarily. Guilt is the greatest little handy-dandy avoidance tool ever invented. Turn guilt over and you will find it made up of fear and/or anger." I'm reading "Widow to Widow" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg, M.S, and read this. It so describes the feelings I'm having about spending the money, even though as the rest of you have done, I also upgraded the furnace and AC, put up new shingles and have fixed the leak in the basement wall as well as upgraded that in the past 2 years. For some of the work, we had put money aside but never got it done because Lars was too ill to care about things like that. The rest came from the insurance money. I also feel guilt using money that we had put away for OUR retirement, he should be here enjoying it with me.And the list of fears go on and on..... Lainey

Kay, I wish there was something we were able to physically do for you, but feel our love and caring. Lainey

First, I'm sorry Pat and Deb that you have to be on this site because of your losses. "What's his is now yours".Not for the rest of the family to fight over. I'm sure everyone one of us has someone that thinks that certain thing should go to them.. sorry, I will be the one to decide what is given to who(m). I'm past 18 months and have given my children whatever they want. Lars was a carver and EVERYONE thinks they should get one, I wonder if they want it as a keepsake or to sell. Therefore my kids, g/daughters and I will be keeping all of them. Everyone has different time frames as to when to start disposing of the things. I started very soon after Lars passed, maybe because I knew 6 months before that he wasn't going to be with me much longer. Take as long as you need to make the decision and only get rid of things you're SURE of.For the important decisions, it is better to wait for a year or so if possible. Lainey