enna

Today I woke up with this thought in my head: The beauty of the soul shines out when a man bears with composure one heavy mischance after another, not because he does not feel them, but because he is a man of high and heroic temper. -- Aristotle It seems to me that each one of us are ‘bearing with composure’ while we are on our individual journeys. It matters not what we are grieving. I am finding this out as I read many of the posts on this forum. Jan you are such a kind, loving person. I witness this as we go back and forth in our responses to one another’s posts or e-mails. Just as we have gained strength from so many others who are on this forum so shall we reach out to others in the kindnesses that we all take part in. (I know I shouldn’t end a sentence with a preposition!) You and I are being blessed with hearing about the journeys of some who have been traveling for a while. I too find myself feeling that I am not as caring as I could be when I find myself thinking of the happiness of others. Marty keeps us grounded as does Mary and Kay. And there are so many others who step in to remind us that we are indeed human and are all struggling to be just a little kinder, empathic, and brave. Anne

Why did I know that YOU would understand, Mary. Thank you for your kind response. As you know I did bring another life into my life right now and I so love Benji, but it is bringing up quite abit of emotion for me. I love Benji and I am in pain to think that Jim is not with me to enjoy the fun I'm having with him. Who would think a loving animal could bring us so much joy. It's not that I feel guilty that I am again laughing it is just that Jim is not here to see what comfort I'm having with this furry ball of delight. I'm sure that all who love animals as I do understand what I'm trying to say. I'm crying again. Jan, my walks have turned into such joy. I'm thinking of you as I walk Benji. Anne

I know I have rules. I am not suppose to be on the furniture but... Today I was groomed and I was a very good boy.

Thank you for your post, Dwayne. I think this post on 'Hunger' has got many of us a little emotional. I so remember the last hours of my Jim's time on this earth. I knew he was not going to be here much longer the early morning he passed. I held him that night pretending that he was also holding me for several hours before I called our HOV nurse to come. I waited for two hours before I called his daughter who lives only a few blocks from us because I wanted that time with him all to myself. I did not want to let him go. I did not want to share him with anyone. I took the time to wash his face and just talk to him like he was listening but I knew he was gone. As I listened to any sign of breath I knew there were not going to by anymore. It was so painful for me to admit it. Touch is such a personal thing. I knew my Jim could tell that I was right there with him. Just as you helped your hospice nurse with Pauline I too prepared Jim for the journey away from me. He had decided that he was going to will his body for tissue research so we prepared for ScienceCare to come. They were very kind and gentle with him. I did not want him to be taken. From that awful day in May 2012, I have had a broken heart. I pretend to be 'brave' but those who know me know I am aching just as they are who have lost the loves of their lives. I do understand what you mean when you talk about your job in the hospital. As a nurse many moons ago (the 60s) I also remember how important it was to be kind to those in hospital. Today it is quite different but I still hug and have compassion for those who are in pain. Even when I started my teaching career I'm sure I broke all rules about 'touch' when students were hurting or adults needed that arm around them. I am not ashamed to admit that I still empathize with anyone who is hurting and I do use the human touch. I am happy that there are still people out there who can say 'to hell with the rules' someone needs a hug. Anne

Dear Shannon, I have been following your posts and I just want you to know that you are in my heart and prayers as you go through this difficult time. I hope that you can feel the love that is always expressed on this forum. A care and deep concern that all of us have for those who come here to be heard. Your journey seems to be so difficult that I just want you to know that we are here for you. Know that I have you, your dear husband, his sister and other family members in my prayers. Peace, Anne

I am happy that we do not hold back when we are expressing ourselves on this forum. It makes it authentic. I was touched when I read the response by a reader commenting on Harry's piece. It is a beautiful one and one that can be read over and over again. I am not afraid to say that touch is indeed the one thing that I miss and I'm only eight short months away from that gift I enjoyed for forty years. The attachment is for all of you. Sometimes our imaginations can be used for healing. Enjoy

Oh Mary, I so agree - we are 'no longer first in anyone's lives' and it does so hurt. Who will stand by me when I win a pulitzer for my poems and the good deeds I accomplish during my lifetime. It is all dream... I know Jim would and Jane would and Pete would and Bill would. That is all I know.

Pursue your dream, Harry. We do indeed have to look at things differently now that our soulmates are dead. Anne

I so believe what you said about how we really are each others' children, Harry. It is the small things that we do on a daily basis that truly count. We think what we do is small but in reality when we reach out to others that is very BIG in my book. As Kay responded to you . Enough said.

It only took a few days for Benji to settle down so I could capture a picture of him before he gets groomed on Thursday!! I had to bribe him with a cookie treat. He just cracks me up when I look at him. His personality is just what you see. Anne

I also saw the piece you posted, Harry. Thank you. I especially liked some of the side effects: reducing stress, achieving balance, continue happiness, and accept acceptance... 'stilling' our minds will be a life long practice for me Kay, what you wrote is beautiful. I copied it so I can read it over and over. Thank you for sharing. The imagery is so calming. I hope this post goes on and on. Thank you again, Mary for being a guide on our journeys. Anne

Dear Novi, I like your poetry. I like how you can express yourself so openly. Some people read and don't know how to reply. Some people are perhaps shy and can't find the words. I can assure you all are tuned into pain who come here. One reason I come here is because I know I can say whatever is on my mind. If I feel like crying out I do so. If I want to share something I do. It helps me to be able to do that as I go through my journey of grief. We all come with our own pain. It is like no one elses. It is unique to each of us. This is a safe place to let those feelings out Novi. Please know you are being heard. Stay here and move along with us as we all journey together in this place of caring and compassion. Anne

Beautiful, Mary - I love anything to do with water - oh how I have to work on just being still - the mind wonders I am so looking forward to the links you have been working on - thank you for this gift. I am happy so many people I know like Depek Chopra. As we have shared before he is a favorite of mine also. Anne

What a wonderful gift to wake up to Mary. Thank you. I chose to listen to 'Painful Truths of Death and the Impermanence of Life' and the 10 minute meditation. One of the thoughts that stuck in my mind was the idea of how to be present to all that is happening in this world of ours without being overwhelmed. It will require me to listen to this conversation several times so please do not give us too much to digest. I was not able to get through the meditation without the tears flowing - I don't consider this a 'bad' thing since I have been learning about tears helping to release tension. Caregiving was indeed tense. A few thoughts that I will ponder this week include- 'may I forgive myself for not meeting all my loved ones needs', 'be open to my experience of loss', and to be open to receive the kindness of others during my journey of grief.' Thank you, Mary, for these thoughts. I shall try to be open to your kindness as you help to guide us on our journeys. Anne

I am not going to finish the book from we to me because I am not there yet if ever, Harry. I miss what Jim and I had together. I miss his touch and everything about him. I am still confused when someone asks me if I'm married or single! I say I'm widowed. It is hard to smile but I've been doing a little more of it now that I have a new little gentleman (a dog) named Benji in my life. I've written about him in another post if you're interested. Keep warm during these cold months. I am so glad I live in the south west. Anne

I'm just checking in with all of us to see how many have looked in the mirror and saw a smile back. Harry, I hope you are seeing that smile. We will always be sad and heartbroken but we also will continue on with purpose. I am also reading the book from we to me that you mentioned when you first posted here and it doesn't seem like a reality that I'll ever come to 'embrace' life again! I keep going over and over again in my mind the song 'Who Am I Now Without You' and can't really come up with answers. Perhaps I need more time. Our journeys all seen to be going in the same direction just on different paths. Hunger is an interesting word. We often think of it in terms of food only when in reality it denotes a pain of something we do not have anymore. Those of us who have lost spouses are without the touch we were accustomed to and in order to 'embrace' this and move forward we need to decide if being single is right for us. Such an individual decision. My option is clear to me now. Jim is my only option so I have a responsibility to myself to begin to 'embrace' that reality. I guess this is where the healing begins. It will be interesting to see where I am in five years! Anne

We do so understand about places we cannot go don't we? It's like music we can't listen to or movies we cannot watch. I hope you had a good time at the Spurn lighthouse. How was the film? It sounds so beautiful to be surronded by the sea and Humber rivers. I find it very peaceful to be near water. Is Kelbi good on walks for you or don't you have to have him on a leash? Benji is such a little gentleman. He walks right beside me and is still alittle skidish so he presses his little eighteen pounds of flesh right next to my leg like he's saying 'protect me' 'protect me.' Take care of yourself and I'm glad that you are back home. Anne

I understand what you are saying, Mary. Funny how we really do not look at death in the same way when a spouse dies. I found the grieving/mourning process much different when I lost family or close friends than I do now that Jim is dead. I know we keep saying that tears are good for us but they stink. I am sorry that you are having that tough tonight. You know you are going to have many more of them. I agree with you when you say that the wake and talking about ALZ caregiving may be a bit much for you especially when you are only now recovering from pneumonia and flu. Be gentle with yourself this coming weekend. Benji sends his love and a few kisses. He is a very affectionate dog. He is trying so hard to please me. It's like I have a shadow all around me. I move, he moves. His eyes are killing me - I find myself melting every other hour. I have had more squeaky toys in my lap or at my feet that I am worn out. I am not complaining. Watch something funny tonight. Take care of you - that is what you are always saying to us. Anne

Oh, I so hope that the cyst is a cyst on Bentley's elbow. Let us know. Anne

Thank you, Mary. Right back at you and others here. Anne

Mary, you're acting like his aunt and that is ok with me ! I can not get Benji groomed until the Vet makes sure he does not need any more shots. I see the Vet now on Monday at 11:00 AZ time. If he needs another booster then the Vet wants me to wait 48hrs to get him groomed. We already gave him a bath the day I brought him home so that will have to do for now. He is being such a good boy. He listens to commands and loves squeeky toys. Kay, I think I agree with you about Jim being present in a special way yesterday. Anne

Mary, I cannot imagine how hard it was for you to be at that funeral. Isn't it strange how we place ourselves in those situations because of our friendships and care for each other. If only the world could have more people like us. Opps! That did not sound too good - I have to work on humility but you know what I mean. Broken bones are indeed tough to mend. Even harder as we age (gracefully). Kay, I think we all have one eye on Mary's activities!!! And I'm glad that your sister is doing better. What has your weather been like? It's been crazy here for a few days with freezing temps in the early mornings - my blood is too thin for all this and besides many plants and trees become damaged - even frozen pipes. Mary, keep testing those waters but remember to do just a little LESS than what you think is OK. Anne

Thank you for sharing in my joy Mary, Marty, & Kay and others on FB. Yesterday I took a giant leap in my journey through grief by stepping outside of myself and deciding that I was going to go to a dog rescue center to see if someone would find me and ask me to take him/her home. After going to three different places I ended up at the place where I found Benji. Benji was not his given name. His given name was Gunner and I just did not like the name. Even though these Schippers are known for sailing on ships or boats and are often nicknamed little captain I just did not think my Benji looked like a Gunner. So that is the reason for the name change. I want to share this with you because I feel that it is important to let you know how much pain I was in while going to these places without my Jim. Silly as it may sound, as Pat (Jim’s daughter who accompanied me) and I sat in the van I turned around and announced to Benji that I would be calling him Benji from now on. I do believe that my Jim had a hand in that announcement. My heart was aching because he was not with me but sure as I start thinking in that way something happens and I know that he is with me only in a different way. The name Benji kept coming into my head! Another very important thing to me in my healing is how much empathy people on this site show. I really do believe that we ‘get it.’ My word is gratitude. I am finding myself grateful for so many things. I don’t want to be on this journey, I did not ask to be on this journey, but I am and I want to do it as best as I can. Acceptance is not and well never be easy but it is what we have to do in our own times. Benji and I have a Vet appointment and a scheduled grooming. I wonder what he will look like after three inches of hair is removed! He is only 18lbs. And I promise not to bore you with too much talk about my new family member. Anne

Benji is Home For those of you who have been waiting to hear when I’d arrive at my new mom’s house I’m finally here. My name is Benji. I am a very sweet Schipper-Poo or to be more formal I am a Schipperke/Poodle five years young. My mom rescued me because my previous owner could no longer care for me. I was only at SunnySlope Rescue Center for three days when mom was walking through the area I was in and I let her know right away – here I am, here I am. Schips are known as Belgian Sheep dogs and well you know poodles! I am so black that mom is having trouble taking clear pictures of me but here I am. I visited PetSmart with mom and I liked everything I saw. I even met new friends who seemed glad to see me. I will take good care of mom and I already know she loves me. I didn't get a chance to meet my dad but I'm sure I'd like him. Benji

Hello, my name is Benji. I am a black Schipperke/Poodle. We have had a very long day. I am so glad to be home at last. I came from a pet rescue shelter (arrived there only on the 12th of this month) because my owner could no longer care for me. I am five years young. I love people, get along with other animals and love my new home. When I saw my new mom I knew she was going to take me home. I was right. I have been so excited that I'll have to send a better picture when I get used to my new home. Benji ps - Mom is ready for bed already.