enna

Cale, you will be in my thoughts today. Your story touched my heart. Words can't consol you or your wife right now so please just know that we here on this forum to listen and support you. Anne

Oh Shannon, How very happy I am that your Leo is home. He does look so content. Now, it is going to be very important that you take care of yourself so you are able to do what has to be done. I so remember those nights when I was up just watching my Jim. I know you will get tired of hearing us tell you that you must rest. Caregiving is such a demanding action that we often forget about ourselves but in order to do a good job we must think of ourselves first. I hope if you need some help that you are able to get it. Most of us go about doing it all ourselves and then we pay for it in the end. Loving care of yourself will help your Leo. Our arms are around you and prayers are being answered. Anne

Oh Kay, such a handsome Arlie. I hope he is good when you are walking him! Benji is only 18ibs but he tries real hard to be the alpha with me when we are walking. I so agree with you Mary - dogs smell so good after grooming. I love being among the dogs lovers on this forum. I think a little laughter helps us in our grieving. Anne

Hello Nicole, I I am so very sorry that you lost your husband. So much tragedy in such a short period of time. This is a caring place for you to be. Your faith will help you as you continue on your journey. Here there is no judgment only listening ears and open hearts. Journey along with us and continue to express yourself. It does help us to share our grief. Peace, Anne

First I have to stop laughing like Mary said she was doing and Kay admitted that she really liked the smell of her dog! he hee. The imagination is a wonderful thing! Now, let’s see if I understand what you are saying, Marty. You spent your childhood wanting to smell like your dog and if you had your wish your mom and dad would have invested in bails of hay, carrots, and apples for a number of years. I don’t know if this could have saved them any money on your education or not but I am glad that you did not end up owning a horse because we would never have had the fun of getting to know you and your rather weird personality! I guess we can all be confident in your advice to us since you did not end up owning your own horse. It is good to be able to laugh during this journey of grief. I have another question Marty – do you believe in reincarnation? I can’t help but think that you were perhaps dog or horse in another life. It is comforting to those of us who do own an animal to know that we are in capable hands. See the attachment and know it is offered with love. I do love my Benji. I would never have thought that I would be writing these things on a public forum. What fun! Anne

Oh Harry, I am so sorry for the loss of your former student. Yes, I remember so well those students we see as 'daughters or sons' as we went about our teaching careers. It is always painful to hear of the young ones leaving this earth so soon. Our world is about life and death. I mourn for those who have left us and I rejoice when I hear that students I have taught are thriving as adult wonders in whatever profession they have chosen. Peace, Anne

My dear feralfae, How wonderful that you have found this caring place. You did right in offering your thank you to Marty, our grief counselor here on this forum. Everyone has the same feeling that we are all on a journey together and guided and supported by one very capable, caring person. I like your post name – “Transformations On This Path.” Thank you for sharing your life with us. As with so many of us we have all suffered many loses. Each person’s loss is unique and painful and we are here to listen as they move through their grief. How happy I was to read about your time in the IL area. We have walked the same paths to many of those favorite places at one time or another – Chicago Art Institute, Northwestern, Lake Michigan, & Evanston… I spent my adult life in the IL area for almost forty years as a wife, mother, grandmother, and educator only moving to AZ in 1999. Your background sounds so exciting. Do you like Montana? I will look forward to seeing your web site when it comes up. When you talk about Doug you do so with love. Many of us on this forum have a deep love of our now deceased husbands. The pain is intense as we journey through the reality. You are approaching your first anniversary of Doug’s death. Firsts have been so hard for so many of us. I will not reach mine until May. Other firsts (holidays) have been bearable. There is a sadness even thinking about Jim’s anniversary. But that is why I am on this forum, feralae, the support will carry me through. Your bout with cauda equina has been a long healing process. Yes, you are fortunate to be coming through it so well. Good for you. You mention that you ‘don’t know what my life is going to become.” Welcome to the club - neither do the rest of us! We will learn as we travel this journey. Anne

Oh my goodness, Kay. I thought I was going to have so many rules but guess what - Benji just melts my heart. He has been well trained by his other owners but most times he just cracks me up. He comes to me when he wants his treats and sits up on his back legs with both paws up and makes noises! How cute is that! I can't pick up my keys because he thinks it's time to go for a ride in the car to the park or to PetSmart. He loves PetSmart. I am beginning to think that I should have named him Shadow because he follows me from room to room. When I let him out he turns around to see if I'm coming. I make him wait for me to go out on the patio just to show him that I am the alpha in this house. I wonder how long that is going to last! Yes, he is a hoot. My sofa is now covered because he insists on sitting right next to me when I watch news or try to read. He is good about the other furniture though and does not jump up on things. When I tell him it's time for bed he goes in the bedroom and jumps up on my bed! So I let him stay since he is good about staying at the bottom. It was time for me to bring him into the house. I am glad I have this bundle of fur hanging around. I think I'll keep him. Thank you all other dog lovers if you are reading this for putting up with my rantings.

Oh my dear SunShine3, I am so so sorry for the loss of your dad. What a sad event for you to have to witness. I know that you are in shock. Three months is such a short time for you to process what has happened. Please know that you have people here that care for you and want you to share with us what is in your heart. Some questions will never be answered and you will have to accept that as you grieve the death of your dad. You will never get the answers to your questions about why he chose to drink a bottle of Jack Daniels. It was his choice and had nothing to do with how much he loved you. We will never know why some people take to the bottle. As much as I loved my father and I know that he loved and always cared for me I could not understand why he drank until he drank himself to death. Liver disease is an awful thing and that is what my dad chose when he drink alcohol. My father chose the path of alcoholism and I have never found the answer as to why he developed that weakness. You are in my heart and prayers as you begin your grief journey. Anne

We are here with open arms listening to whatever you want to share. You are not alone on this forum. I am sorry to hear that you lost your dad. Visit here often and please follow Marty's advice about finding a person you can talk to face to face. Anne

Hi Shannon, REST - a bodily state characterized by minimal functional and metabolic activities. I am so happy that all is still going well with your Leo. Now it is time for you to heed our gentle reminder that you must take care of yourself. I am 'the voice in the wilderness' who seems to remind those who need extra reminders ( I won't mention names) to rest that there are people watching. You will need your strength when Leo comes home. Bless you and know that we will continue to send up prayers. Anne

Dear LindaKate, You asked about navigating the site. Yes, you can respond to individual posts just click on quote at the bottom right of the post you wish to respond to and you will see a box that will allow you to write your response. Don't forget to hit the post box when you are finished. Visit us often. I gain much strength from all the caring people on this forum. Anne

Oh Shannon, I am happy that Leo is slowly recovering. He is in my prayers and will continue to be as will you. I can imagine how very tired you must be. Please take care of yourself and get your rest. You will need to be strong when Leo comes home. Remember to breathe, eat, and rest when you can. I carry your heart in my heart. Anne

Good Morning, dear Mary. You are in my heart today as you remember your dear Bill. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful tribute. It brought tears to my eyes. I so hope you will be able to listen to Mahler's 5th - what a huge step and how courageous of you if you can. I am with you in thought this day. I can't help but think that you just know that Bill is at your side. Love, Anne

Dear LindaKate, I am so sorry for your loss. 34 years – how lovely. Your loss is so fresh. I am happy you have found this place so soon. Many of us have lost our soulmates within the past year and others who are on their grief journey after several years are here for you. Stay with us and you will experience a very caring group of people. You asked a very big question. My own personal journey began in May 2012. I was not even thinking straight for several months. Advice that I remember from my first months on this site was in the form of self-care: breathe, eat, rest, and exercise. Hopefully you have support from family and friends. Ask them to help you in what you need. After that, my personal opinion would be to suggest that you go to www.griefhealing.com - a web site our moderator, Marty, has set up for us. Scroll down and there you will find articles/columns/books to start you out. I find the Healing Course: The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey directed by Marty to be very helpful to me. I am only into the first months of the course. I receive the lessons through e-mail twice a month. Others will be able to direct you to helpful sites also. I don’t want to overwhelm you. I carry your heart with me during your journey. Anne

Kay, I like this quote of yours: ''His voice lives on inside me, I can hear him any time I choose to.' Here I go again quoting Marty from her lectures and book: Finding Your Way Through Grief – A Guide for the First Year - ‘We can use our imaginations and let them go where they will.’ Jan, you brought a smile to my face when talking about your Pete and used the term ‘a little tiny Pete hole.’ I am beginning to realize why you and I and others who are so new in our loses resist the term ‘moving forward.’ It’s like going in one direction and not looking back. I want to look back just as you do. Actually, I want to BE back where I was before May 2012. So I guess we have to try to understand a little more just what that phrase ‘moving forward’ really means in our lives now that our spouses are dead. I like Kay’s comments about ‘continuing, surviving another breath for me.’ You see, Jan, we are learning from others who have been on this journey longer then we have been. I for one find it encouraging when we have those who are moving forward nudge us ever so gently and say just the right thing to help us in our journeys. I have mentioned before that words are so comforting and most people who use the kind, empathic, and positive words on us are doing so not even being aware how much they help us as we grieve. Harry’s post on the positives have helped me in my journey. Mary’s continued comments have brought me along when I didn’t feel like ‘moving forward’ at all. Others have assisted me in my journey when I felt like giving up but they kept saying that ‘you don’t want to get stuck’ in your grief. I have not been very courageous in this pain I am in so I continue to be here in this forum and remember what Marty said to me a while back that ‘we will hold your courage for you until you are ready.’ I still am not ready, but I think I’m ‘moving forward’ maybe an inch or two. Anne

A very good post, Mary. I still struggle with quieting myself when meditating. My mind wants to wander from here to there and never seems to be still. I do have a most favorite web site that we have posted before that I keep going back to - Maybe in its simplicity I will learn the art of quieting my mind. Will we be seeing more of your paintings? Anne

Dear Miss Ngu, It does sound like you have had good love and support from your grandmother, mom, husband, and others during your life. Now, you are doing what you need to do and that is grieve for your dear mother. I believe that their words will always be in your heart. Your strength will come from what is in your heart. Those on this forum are caring and have ever ending patience to listen and hear what others are saying. And as Kay says you must be direct in what you want. I learned early on from people on this site that no one really knows what you need so you have to ask. You will move through this grief and be comfortable that you have had those in your life who have loved and do love you. You are in my heart. Anne

Dear Pumkin, Five months is such a very short time. I am so sorry that your Marco is no longer with you. I am sure that the butterfly you saw was a sign telling you that he was all right. We believe what we want and that is ok. Our strength comes from deep within us and when we are open to signs that our loves are still with us only in a different way we somehow receive the strength we need to carry on. Life is a precious gift and no matter how much our pain we do survive our grief. Keep coming to this very caring web site. We understand and carry your grief in our hearts as you move through your journey. Anne

1/28/2013 I want to respond to Marty’s post sent to us today titled: “Teach Your Daughter’s Wailing: The Power of Mourning Women.” As with so many pieces of information we are inundated with in our grief journeys this is another one of those articles to reflect upon. I enjoyed the imagery in the opening paragraph. Allowing the sacred tears that flow from our innermost beings to be witnessed by other mourners. That is what we are doing on this forum. Grieving openly and without any judgments. We have no need to fear that we might step on someone’s toes because all here know that we are all gathered for the same reason – to openly grieve. Allowing others to witness our mourning says that it is all right to do so. Whether it be male or female grieving we all deserve to to heard and allowed to mourn. The word ‘disparity’ has been used over the last few days. It is a harsh reality that our country is broken. I think we have become so self-absorbed to what is going on in the world unless it is a major horror that we fail to see the poor, the sick, the broken hearted, or the grievers who are all around us. Our eyes are open but our minds are closed. It would be good for us if we could attend to these life situations just as we try to take care of our daily needs. Most times I fail to see that what we do is really up to each one of us. If we are going to conquer this ‘disparity’ we will have to do it one person at a time. We will have to really understand that each one of us is important in our world and that we can make a difference. Each person deserves to have his/her needs met just as each one of us deserves to grieve for as long as it takes and without guilt. I believe the quote from the Bible: ‘teach your daughters wailing’ could very well be linked to the word ‘disparity.’ Teach our fellow human beings how to reach out and care for one another. Cry openly, demand that we be heard, stay on a subject until someone hears us, beat down the doors of opposition, make people hear our cries, and most of all display that empathy that is buried deep in our innermost beings. Anne

Dear Kay, I am hearing you and I'm glad that you poured out your thoughts. Like I said, I feel so ashamed to be complaining about my life. I have nothing to complain about. I have always wondered about the word 'disparity' and I have lived many years to see it in my life. I will say it again, Kay, I admire you for your survival skills. Here I go again always trying to emulate others instead of just being who I am. So the question - who am I now that Jim is dead? Your thoughts about your life keep me somewhat grounded. Anne

Oh Mary, as it did with Harry, reading the poem did bring tears to my eyes. I am no longer able to see who ‘just me’ is at this time. About the only thing I know for sure is that I am still Jim’s beloved. I think I lost who I was during the constant care of Jim as he journeyed through ALZ. I entered his world and we lived in a fairy tale. Mostly I pretended to join him in his world. Days, months had no timetable for me. Christmas could be in March. Birthdays didn’t have meaning. Familiar people were no longer familiar. As hard as I tried, I could not just be myself. I loved Jim so much that his world was mine. Now, I have to rediscover who I am. I know I was a good person. I know that I was compassionate. I know that I was truly in love with Jim. I know that I have to find out who I am now. That is one of the big questions I have as I go through this painful journey – who am I now? Why so much pain? And why am I whining so much when there are others who have so much more pain than I? I am ashamed to be so selfish in my need for compassion. Anne

You are being heard, Miss Ngu. When I first came on this site someone told me that is what this site is for - to express our grief in any way we need to and to know that we are being heard and not judged. Never feel that you are whinning - you are grieving. All of our pain is so individual. Morganrothmommy , you also are being heard. I am glad that you found this site. We can truly walk through our journeys together as we grieve. Your loss is so fresh. I am sorry that you have lost your mom. Visit this site often. You are both in my heart. Anne

I continue to hold you in my heart, Shannon. Know that you are not alone. My wish is that your husband continues on a path of recovery. Please remember to take care of yourself. Rest when you can. Sometimes we forget that we have to take good care of ourselves when we are caring for our soulmates. Anne

Oh Mary, I wanted to wait until I had a little more time to respond to your post about our good-byes to Jim and Bill. We have shared our journeys before and as painful and heartbreaking as it is I always find it comforting to think of those last days and hours. This is a time when I feel that I am not alone on my journey. I so agree with you that it is good to have a dog companion in the house. I have always believed that an animal senses what we humans are feelings. It does not seem like it has been 8 mos. since Jim died. I hope that I am moving through this painful journey in a healthy way and that Jim would be proud of me for showing some courage – no matter how little. As you expressed to Jan in your post about not being with her Pete when he passed I firmly believe that our loved ones take their last breath when they choose to do so. We have all witnessed this. I think it is part of our independence and probably the last thing we will choose to give up. We will die when we say so. Jan, I admire your courage and you are a very caring, loving person. I like how Marty reminds us over and over and over again that our feelings are just that – feelings. Today has had many memories for me as I come to the end of the eighth month of Jim’s death. Yes, there were tears. Yes, there is sadness. It is slightly less painful. Anne