enna

Sadness or Depression Has anyone ever been really sad? How do we who are grieving know if it is sadness or depression? I sat in my sadness today and cried most of the day. Tonight I feel somewhat better having let the sadness flow into my body. I did not want to do it but I promised myself that when I get these bursts of deep agony I’d let it happen just to see if I felt better afterwards. I noticed that tonight I was actually having fun with Benji (my pooch) as he demanded that I play with his favorite toys with him. I melt and I do play. I wonder who is ruling whom in this household! I am going into my tenth month of Jim’s death and most days I am all right and then there are those days when I am so so sad. I do not like being that sad. It brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel so vulnerable. I find it hard to sit and be still because when I do, I cry because I miss Jim so much. It would be good if there were some magic wand that we could wave and all of us would be happy even if for only a few hours. Now I am living in an imaginary time forgetting that reality kicks us in the behind every now and then just to show us who’s boss! I am hoping that this overwhelming sadness is a fleeting thing because if it is not I will be so scared. I don’t like being scared. I do like encouragement and hugs. I am in need of both tonight. So I reach out and ask my fellow grievers for compassion. I am sure that I am just sad and not depressed. Anne

Today my mind has been like a sponge taking in every snippet of information from the link you sent out today Mary. Thank you for this opportunity to feed off of your knowledge. The Shapiros talk about ‘Happiness is an Inside Job’ helped me realize that it is so important to be awake in the present moment. I need to be at peace with myself. I say these things to myself but it is so easy to not allow myself to walk in the world with joy. Marianne Williamson’s “Aligning to Love’ meditation reminded me how important it is not to take yesterday into today. We can adjust our souls just as the chiropractor aligns the spine. A very interesting thought. And what an appropriate statement from Sharon Salzberg when she talked about ‘deep suffering being manure for transformation and meditation’ after how I’ve been talking about getting my garden started while so many of you are deep in snow still. We do need to get these links into a place where many more can have access to them. This forum has some amazing bits of information on it. I delight in all the shared tidbits that show up here. I shall be looking forward to Joan Halifax Roshi's topic on March 6th. she is a favorite of mine. Anne

I am deeply sorry Cy. This place will be a comfort to you in the months to come. Anne

Dear Cy, You and your family are in my prayers. Words cannot explain what is in your heart right now so just be with your dear Carolyn. We are holding your close to our hearts on this forum. Whisper your I love you to her as she can hear you. Anne

Hi Jan, I do not have a green thumb but I love flowers and any growing thing. I always use fresh herbs in cooking. I love the smell of rosemary. I could live in a garden - flower or herb. Keep Pete's garden growing if you can. We can compare notes. We can both be sad together. Fae, I hope your weather is improving. I am just so anxious for spring. Anne

This is such a wonderful movie, Mary. It is so sad yet so good. Thank you for sharing. As I said on the positive's thread this was one of Jim's very favorite movies. I moved it over here! You will have many memories to think about this month. Remember, you are not alone on this journey even though you have to make it on your own. Anne Posted by mistake on the Positive Thread! Tired is setting in... Oh Mary, my Jim loved this movie. I can't tell you how many times I have seen it. What memories! I hope you really are going to have an easy week. I'm glad you are getting into your painting. Jim's favorite song from Fiddler on the Roof was 'If I were a Rich Man" - he was rich in so many ways. Thanks for the memories. Anne

Hello Pumkin - thank you for your kind words. How are you doing? I talk to Jim all the time. He loved nature - everything about it. He would have stayed outdoors all the time weather permitting. He loved living in AZ. Yesterday it was 85 degrees here in the Litchfield Park/Goodyear area. I spent time in the yard after the landscapers left deciding where I'll put some flowering plants and baskets. I love all the colors. I wish all of our friends here on the forum could be enjoying our beautiful spring weather. Kay, spring is coming and then you can see those hummingbirds on your deck. Take care of yourself. I carry you in my heart. Anne

Almost time for transformations depending on your climate. I always become very excited when winter is drawing to an end because I know it means flower boxes, green grass, bees, hummingbirds, swimming, fresh greens and tomatoes. Oh, don’t get me wrong I also love falling leaves, the kaleidoscope of colors shining threw the trees, snow falling for the first time, and dogs jumping in the soft snow. But, spring is for beginnings or transformations and that takes me to the reason for this thread. We here are on a journey that will take each of us through many transformations. Our journeys will be unique. Most times painful and not without despair… but we who are the survivors will find a way to bloom just as the crocus does in early spring. The crocus sits buried in the ground having been planted there in fall or winter so we almost forget about it until it pops out of the now clear ground of winter. We who have been grieving for however long cannot see that we too are preparing ourselves for this transformation. It is so slow that we do not see the growth ourselves, but others can see it. While journeying through our grief others see our change. We are encouraged to continue even though we want to give up. We whine and complain because it is too hard. We lose purpose and think that this new life is just too difficult for survival until along comes someone from this forum to remind us that we are moving through our grief. Keep moving, keep moving is repeated over and over again until you want to scream out: ‘I am moving or I’ll sit where I am for as long as I feel like it.’ And that is all right for we are all accepted in whatever state we are in at the moment. No one is telling us to ‘get over it’ on this forum. We are listening, showing empathy and encouraging one another to ride the waves. Oh, are we so reminded to ride the waves! The first time I heard that phrase I didn’t like it. I thought that is a terrible thing to say but after awhile I began to understand what it meant. It is much easier to go with the current then against it. Feel the pain, cry, sit still and just be where we are in the moment. I have no doubt that each one of us will bloom and become more beautiful than we already are – the colors will all be vibrant and so different but someday we will be able to look at our garden of healers and be pleased. Anne

Hello dear mrg2. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and the illness of your daughter to cancer and for that sweet dog, Charlie, who has his problems. So much pain. You are here and with people who know and understand. This is a place where we can and do talk about what is on our minds. We do 'get it' and have good listening ears. One thing I learned from those on this site is that 'our feelings are all ok, they are just feelings.' I lost my beloved Jim last May 2012. Life stopped for me for awhile but I am slowly coming back to a reality that I shall have to live with for the rest of my life. I don't think any of us are ever prepared for that separation of a loved one. This is a caring place. Peace, Anne

Cy, I was told that hearing was the last sense to go. She can hear you and she does know that you are there with her. You will know what to do. Grieving will come later and only in very small doses. I am so sorry that you are going through this right now. You are not alone. Anne

My dear Cy, I am so deeply sorry for the raw pain you are going through right now. We are a forum of very caring and understanding grievers who will be with you during this difficult time. All of your feelings that you are experiencing right now are perfectly normal. You and your dear wife make the decision to do what is best for you. No one can tell you that you should or should not be with your wife during her last days. Talk with her. Tell her you love her. Touch her and softly tell her how much you'll miss her. Let her know that you will be alright. Let her know that it is ok to go. You will be alright, Cy. Use the time to just be with her. Cherish those moments. My beloved Jim passed away only nine months ago after a five year battle with Alzheimer's disease. I could not have spent enough time with him. Our HOV angels were so supportive. You will know what you want to do and that is the only thing that matters. Peace during these difficult times. We are here for you. Anne

After reading some of the posts tonight I came across this quote from Goldie Hawn that reminded me of some of us who are going through some tough times with illness, death, and pain memories. And Mary, as you decide which flower to paint I think the lotus has an interesting history. “The lotus is the most beautiful flower, whose petals open one by one. But it will only grow in the mud. In order to grow and gain wisdom, first you must have the mud --- the obstacles of life and its suffering. ... The mud speaks of the common ground that humans share, no matter what our stations in life. ... Whether we have it all or we have nothing, we are all faced with the same obstacles: sadness, loss, illness, dying and death. If we are to strive as human beings to gain more wisdom, more kindness and more compassion, we must have the intention to grow as a lotus and open each petal one by one. ” Goldie Hawn

Dear Harry, I am so sorry that your positive week did not start out as you had hoped. Life is cruel. We seem to get blindsided from one pain to another. When I went on Face Book tonight I found this quote from The Grief Toolbox. It seemed to say what I'd like to say to you. Anne

Dear Shannon, I am so sorry that you are having your own health concerns. Please know that you are in my prayers. Prayers for both you and your hubby. I cannot imagine how terrified you are. Know that we are here keeping you in our hearts. Anne

Hello Shannon, Your Mom's picture is beautiful. I am so glad that when Leo does come home you will have help caring for him. It is too much for you to do on your own. Tears are good, Shannon. I cry almost everyday thinking about my Jim. It is alright. We need to give ourselves permission to release those tears. I am glad that you are working with your therapist. This is so necessary when children or anyone has gone through such trauma as you have. My prayer for you while you are going through your therapy is that you come to realize that it is not your fault for anything your father did. You are not responsible. Remember, baby steps. Experiencing ups and down will come. Flood gates will open and that is good. Cry freely and withour shame. There will be good people who can take care of Leo right now. Let them. You are in my heart. Anne

Dear Cindylt, I am so very sorry that you lost your husband. His last months had to be so painful for you. All the hospital stuff can be so traumatic. You have come to the right place. There are caring and understanding people here who listen. I am glad that you wrote down your thoughts and shared them with us. You are in shock and your journey has just begun. Know that you are not alone when you come here. Good for your mom stepping in an making way for you to be with your husband those last minutes. What a gift that you have as a memory to say your good-byes to the one you love. You will need to take care of yourself right now. Eat, sleep, and be good to yourself for awhile and then your journey of grieving will come but only in small measures. We are protected like that otherwise it would be too overwhelming for us. We will be here for you. Peace, Anne

Hello amw, I so agree with Harry on this one. As much as I would love to have my Jim back it would be way too traumatic for me to have him back for only one day! The deep pain of grieving all over again would be more than I could bare. I am having trouble thinking about who would give you an assignment like that! Perhaps I am too selfish to wish anyone I loved to be back with me for only one day. I too would not be brave enough. Good luck on this asssignment. Anne

My dear Harry, Thank you for sharing this personal piece of who you are with us. You speak of something I am very familiar with and not because I want to be but because that was part of my life for the last five years of Jim’s life on this earth. I would like to start out with a quote that we used over and over again in our Alzheimer’s Caregiver Support Group: “If you know one person with ALZ you know one person.” Every single situation is unique. There are many types of ALZ and they are as unique as the individual who has this disease. Never does two people follow a pattern because there just isn’t a pattern. My Jim had an age related ALZ. His brain continued to shrink as he progressed in the disease. He remained calm and as his personality always was during his lifetime he was like a teddy bear to the end. The twinkle in his eyes never faded. My journey through this has been somewhat recorded on my thread – My Beloved is not with me Anymore. I can understand what you are saying when you say that ALZ terrifies you. Yes, that is exactly what it does – terrifies those who are on the outside not able to fully understand what is going on with their loved one or what might happen to us. My Jim worked with numbers all of his life, he used numbers in his pilot days, his business work and in the last years when he spend hours at the Softball Park keeping score for the Senior Softball Terms here in Pebble Creek. I understand what you are saying about the written word. Jim was an avid reader, crossword puzzle solver, and Council Member at our church. Slowly these things disappeared. I am not going to sugar coat what happens if someone has this disease but I want you to always remember the quote at the top of my post. My greatest help was to learn everything I could about the disease. I even helped start up a group of caregivers here in our community because we could not be away from our loved one for long periods of time. We brought in excellent facilitators and speakers. Over the two and a half years that I was involved in the group I found myself better able to understand what was going on in Jim’s mind. The sharing of all the caregivers was enlightening. You are assuming that because your mother had the disease that you will have it. This has NOT been proven nor does it happen often. Many factors have to be present for genetic risk. The fear is always there and I do understand what you fear. I am here for you as are many have who have traveled this journey with loved ones. Anne

Dear Shannon, I believe that one day the writings you are doing that you say are 'unfinished' will be finished. You will find a way. The trauma of your mother's violent death will always be with you and the tears that you say 'hurt so immensely' will find a place way back in your mind because you will find happier things to focus on. You are so young. My wish for you is to feel the hugs we all send you. We can't take your pain away but we can tell you that you are not alone and we are here to listen.

Dear Kay, you never cease to amaze me. I love your positive attitude with life. I am so sorry that your mom has suffered. I cannot imagine it. You constantly find ways to remove from your mind the hurtful things she does and at the same time you know when you have to back off. I truly believe that George has a hand in this - guiding you gently in your stryggles.You are always close to my heart. Anne

Beautiful, Marty. That brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for the other links also. Good reading material for us. Anne

Jan dear, I am hearing you. Sleepless nights seem to catch all of us off guard. I am with you in your pain. I think it is a very good thing to get your journal out and talk to Pete. We know they are with us always. They know what we are thinking and I think it is good to put it down on paper. Dreams can be disturbing and wonderful at the same time. Remember, our imaginations are a wonderful thing. We can bring our loved ones into them whenever we want. We are still in the infancy of our grief. Both of us not quite nine months now. But look how time has passed and even though it may seem that we have not moved - we have. My hope is that you and I will be in a place where we can say what Mary says - that in time the pain gets further apart. We will always have that small hole in our hearts that will never close. Others know this and don't try to pretend that it is not so. We all climb (and slip at times) together because we are not alone on this forum. Anne

Oh Mary, I love her. She is one of the few people I can listen to and stay in quietness. Thank you for sharing this. I have listened to it often. She has also appeared with Brother David Steindl Rast who has done many videos on meditation. He has the video that I posted somewhere on this site called 'A Good Day' - I'm trying to bring it up but can't seem to find the correct link - I'll try this one http://www.gratefuln...-good-day.htm It should work. I know Marty re-posted it on one of her sites but I can't remember just where it is right now. A very good way to start my day. Anne

Hi Matt, There is no doubt in my mind that your music video will help many people. There is something magic about music. To me it does touch the soul and helps in the healing process of our grief or reconciliations. I agree with your sister that your Dad is proud of you. Keep writing music and singing so we can continue to enjoy your art. Anne

Dear Shannon, I am so sorry that Leo had to go back in the hospital. Both of you continue to be in my prayers. He is where he will get the help he needs and give you a chance to come up for air. I am glad that you are remembering to eat, take meds, and rest. That is good. I hope you were able to get the car looked at and that it is a minor problem. There seems to be so much fraud going around with credit cards. None of us can be too careful. Please know that we are sending our prayers your way. Peace, Anne