enna

My sympathy is with you. So, so many of us repeat the same phrase "I just want him back" over and over again. We are all here for you when you want to be here. My beloved Jim passed away ten months ago on the 25th and I am still crying "I want you back." Anne

It's here! It's here! Anne

This is a truly positive thing today. I am happy for you, also. It sure gave a boost to my disposition today. Anne

Dear Shannon, My heart is heavy with sadness for what you are going through. Know that I am with you as you move through this most difficult time. ((hugs)) Anne

loved it, loved the cat...that about sums up my life! Anne

Oh, how I love this one, Mary. "Yes, but I still know her! I still know her!" This makes me cry because I so relate to this as do you. Anne

Oh, thank you, Marty for the reminder. I know this site and with everything going on in my mind I forgot about this site you have prepared for us. I am sure that this site was where I heard the song for the first time months ago. Many of these treasures are hidden to those of us whose brains are clouded and some of our new joiners probably don't know that there are many, many excellent links available to help us right on this forum. Anne

Oh my dear Pumkin, What a beautiful experience you had this morning feeling Marco right beside you on what would have been his 71st birthday. How very special for you. Here is the song that you mentioned. I love this song. Just click on 'play this song' on the left side of the link. Thank you for sharing this with us. Anne http://www.lyrster.c...piritlyric.com/

It is a calling, dear Mary. One that you answer to so beautifully. I am sorry for this sad day in your life. Anne

As Jan said, I also am doing the meditations - perfect for me - I have always liked Deepka Chopra. My library is full of his books from way back! Thank you Mary for the 21 Day Meditation. Thank you so much for giving us all these links. Anne

Oh Kay, I know I'm shouting for JOY! I am so happy for you, dear lady. This was huge and I am grateful it is turning out this way. About time you get a break. Anne

Oh my dear Kay. I am right here hearing your cry. I know how much you love Arlie. I am hearing how scared you are. So many questions you have. I know you will find someone who can give you a better answer as to what is going on with Arlie. Our furry friends sure do have their own personalities, don't they? I like how Arlie tucks his head into you. Benji does the same to me. I could be sitting in my chair reading and he jumps up and stands right on my chest licking my face!! I did not think I'd ever let a dog lick my face, but it happens. I know your attachment to Arlie. These creatures we bring into our lives just seem to know that we need them as much as they need us. When it is time for our morning walk Benji starts strutting around the house and going back and forth to the garage door. He is so funny. I have not been able to beat him to the car once I open the garage door! We do love our furry friends. My heart is with you today as always and we want to hear anything as soon as you find out. I am standing right beside you and being hopeful with you. Love, Anne

Death is the new reality that we all have to come to grips with. It becomes a part of who we are now. My quote comes from William Mather Lewis: The abundant life does not come to those who have had a lot of obstacles removed from their path by others. It develops from within and is rooted in strong mental and moral fiber. -- William Mather Lewis

Dear Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas, We are blessed, aren't we? How is your knee today? I know many people who have had both knee and hip replacements. Modern medicine is something else. I hope your Sassy and Faith are good corgis. Benji would love them. He is such a sweet boy. My heart feels good when I see him and when he looks at me with those eyes - usually for a treat! Anne

Hi Ann, The first part of your poem is very beautiful. I could feel your journey through this pain. I like your last verse. It is full of anticipation as you wait. I pray that your neice does come to the mainland next year. I believe that your brother is smiling. Thank you for sharing. Anne

Dear Mary, thank you for the links on walking meditation. I have tried to do this and I need to continue to be patient. I found Donald Rothberg's lecture on Mindfulness and Papanca to be enjoyable. I liked his definition of papanca as being a tendency of the mind to spin off. I can so relate to that idea. My mind goes off all the time. Jan, you and I know about our love for our children. I am always in awe when I see my daughter growing in thoughtfulness. I learn from her. My dear Fae - your words are inspiring. I often need to go back and reread what you express on this forum. We all are learning on this grief journey and I find myself soaking up so much of what others have to say. How blessed we are to have this place to share and experience the love that is here. I find that my journey is progressing very slowly toward healing. I see myself different from ten months ago. Different in a good way. There is peace within all the sadness. Spring is indeed coming and I am so ready to plant flowers and watch things burst into bloom. Anne

Dear Shannon, You are in our thoughts and prayers. I hope you can feel our love and concern for you. Anne

You are so kind Mary. Thank you for acknowledging my happiness in my daughter. It was a good visit. A time for growth for both of us. You are in my thoughts as you make your journey closer to the third anniversary of Bill's death. Your depth of spirituality is so inspiring to me. In your quiet way you are helping me on this grief journey. Thank you for that. Don't forget to rest. Yes, you are doing good. I have so many books on my 'list to read' that I don't dare put another one on just yet! Right now, I am caught up in some of your meditation links. Now, if anyone could teach me patience I might have a chance at this being still stuff!! Anne

Yes Mary, but we are not forgetting how easy it is for YOU to forget your own advice. I hope we cannot catch bugs from the Internet or most of us will be crawling under the covers and trying to catch up on wellness. Please be well everyone. Anne

When your only child wants to mourn her father you stop what you are doing, sit down and open your heart and listen hard. Our daughter’s visit this weekend was two-fold. She came out to be with me because of the recent health scare I am having and she wanted to be with me as I sorted through some of her father’s things that were still in the same place they were in before Jim died. It was heartbreaking and yet an honor to listen to her remembrances of her daddy. It tickled me when our thirty-eight year old, mature, sensitive, loving mother of two beautiful children told me that she wished she had had more time with her daddy. During her early years she was always arguing with him about something! She was her daddy’s girl – opinionated and oh so stubborn. She cried when remembering him helping her roller skate. She was so proud to have her daddy go with her to Bozo’s Circus when she was five. We had to get tickets when she was born because that was a very popular show then. She loved the daughter/father dances Jim always took her to no matter how busy he was or how tired he was. There were so many good memories of her graduations, honors, marriage, birth of two babies, baptisms, and school days for the grandkids. She was so happy that her daddy was able to share her joys of motherhood. This was her weekend to actively mourn her father’s death. I felt honored to join her as she remembered her daddy. I felt proud as I listened to her talk about her daddy. I was comforted to see that she was taking this grief journey with dignity and grace. Her empathy for me was touching. She asked me how it was now that a part of me was gone. I was touched by her deep concern and felt that her daddy would be so proud of her to take on such a caring role. The sorting of Jim’s things did not happen. Not yet. I am not ready. And that is ok with me. We bonded again as we both visited the nail/pedicure spa and ate lunch laughing and talking about my grandchildren. Her eyes lit up when mentioning her children. She thanked me for teaching her how to be a good mommy. That surprised me for a minute since the two of us did not seem to agree on anything when she was in her teen years! More often than not I heard “you are the worst mom” over and over again. Oh, the joys of motherhood. Her parting words to me as she left for the airport were “do you want me to call your cardiologist, I know how to talk to doctors, I deal with Kevin (her hubby, an OBGYN surgeon) all the time?” I smiled and told her that I am a big girl and I can take care of this but thank you anyway. It was a good visit. Now we’ll go back to our Skype visits until later in the spring and I shall try to continue my mourning for Jim, the love of my life. It will be a while (if ever) before I can figure out how I’m going to live without him being physically with me. I miss Jim’s presence so deeply that I catch myself holding my breath and have to remind myself to breathe! I sometimes think that my heart does stop just out of sheer pain when I realize that this is my new reality now. I am glad that we are not prepared for this kind of pain because I would not be able to bare it. Almost ten months without Jim and it seems like only yesterday some days and like an eternity other days. How do we adjust to this new and different way of life? Will our search of who we are now ever be discovered or are we doomed to a life of only half selves? Would we all be better off if our loved ones came back to us for just a while to tell us that all is well, live life because we are ok, enjoy this part of your life because there are far greater times ahead? We are different. We are not the same. I have to believe that it will be better than it is right now. This grief is so cruel and heartless. Will I come out of this a more caring, sensitive person? Can I truly say in my heart and believe it ‘Your Will Be Done” as I have believed all these years? I choose to but it is a struggle. I am trying to take ownership of my pain. I am trying to walk this journey with dignity and grace. Perhaps I can learn from my daughter and choose to be grateful for all that we have. Anne

My dear Shannon, I am waiting for my daughter to arrive from IL so I checked in on the forum tonight. I am so sorry that Leo is having such a ruff time. I can so understand how your heart must be broken. I cared for my beloved Jim for almost five years and I know the strain it puts on a body. You have done your best and that is all you can do. You are so young. Your love for Leo will demand that he get the best care available. Yes, your heart is broken but you have not failed in your care for him. We are here to walk this journey with you. Anne

Dear Mary, You know me well. And I forget sometimes that I am grieving since I have had the recent health scare. Jim is always right here with me only I have been forced to look into my own self a little more these last few weeks. I hope your book club discussion goes well. You are in my thoughts as you get closer to Bill's anniversary date. Time to think of you now and know that we are here with you. Kay, I look to you for any positive I ever need. You are one brave person. I wish I could drop Spring right in your backyard up there in Oregon! I think everyone has had enough winter. Anne

Hi Ron, It is good to connect with you. I see your name but have read only a few of your posts. Isn't it frustrating when those browsers crash?! Did you have a chance to read Marty's post to me above? I like to think that the death of my Jim has just put me into a very sad state rather than a depressed one and I believe that it will come and go as I move further along in my grief journey. I am sorry that you experience depression. All of us feel lonely at one time or another. Good for you for buying new things for yourself. I like shoes myself but I don't think I'm a fanatic about it. Summer time is always more fun because I like to wear sandals and change my toe nail polish! Something you will not be doing, I don't think. I love to take pictures but I am not very good at it. I do quite abit of computer work still helping teachers with imovies, powerpoints and iphoto presentations. Can you tell I'm a Mac person? That was my life when I was working for the last decade as a media specialist and mentor for teachers. Keep working on those photos - that can be a very rewarding hobby. I shall take your advice and keep my morale up. Your advice goes for you, too. Anne ps - why does spelling go out of our heads when we are grieving?! eg. sandles OR sandals. Of course I know the correct spelling I just don't apply it all the time!

Dear Friends, Thank you for your hugs and encouragement. I have read the links you sent me, Marty. And yes, some comfort was received. Sue, I so appreciate your words of encouragement. It does so help to know that the sadness can get a little farther apart. Sometimes we only see what is right in front of us so it helps to have others shed more light on this grief journey. Jan, what can I say other than we seem to be two peas in a pod. We are both struggling with the loss of our Pete and Jim in the same month and year. I have permitted myself to continue to listen to music since it really brings the tears and sobs on. Jim and I both love music and that is one thing that keeps me connected to him. I know that both you and Mary cannot listen to some music and that is all right. We are unique and will do what is right for each of us. I am convinced that we will make it through this time in our lives. Anne

Mary, I read your writing of 3.1.13 and I am with you in your grief. I cannot pretend to understand what it will be like in three years but I hope that I can come through this grief with grace and dignity as you are doing. Jim would want it that way. Bill is with you. I know that there are no words to comfort you but please know that you are not alone. Your words to others apply to you dear friend. Hear me and know that you are in my heart. Anne