KATPILOT

It's a long journey Robin and I wish so much that it wasn't so. The truth is that it is your time. Your life is still at hand sad as it may seem right now and Kevin is still a part of that life as he will be on Saturday. When you hold him in your heart he will be there. Every day you traverse is another day in that life and even when it seems empty and lost, it's still there ahead of you. Yeah grief truly sucks. It was always going to be that way so last night was just another reminder. The holidays are over and new ones still will come. I often speak about how as time goes by those hard days become a little less frequent and in between come some smiles but I also know that the sad times come back often with a vengeance. Like riding the rapids we sometimes barely catch our breaths before the next tumble hits. For now feel the hugs of all of us riding in that same boat sharing the pain. A better day ahead for you.

Marg I always look at a new experience with low expectations so I won't be disappointed and perhaps pleasantly surprised. In the words of Griff the Archanian "Anything's possible but where there is death there will always be death". That seamed to turn out to be true for me. Oh and Kleenex comes in a small pack that can fit into your pocket. Much easier to manipulate.

Butch I hope there can be a time on the ninth when you can get alone. I hope this for you. One of the hardest things about grief is when you can't find the time for yourself to do grief. It becomes not unlike sleep depravation. I know you can't show it to the grandchildren but even if you have to go somewhere and just lose it, it's okay. At two years I was no better on that day than I was on the first one. Everyone here is hugging you Butch and Mary is too. I'm glad about Noah.

I am reminded of my first time at a group meeting Brad. I too could barely get my name out before I lost it and had to pass to the next person. There is a reason for that box of Kleenex in the center of the room. By my third visit I was much better. When I watched Collateral Beauty this weekend I lost it when Will Smith went into that group meeting but could only shake his head. It brought back the memory of my own first time, (do not see that movie without Kleenex in your pocket). I remember seeing new members come in every so often and some could never talk more than I did that first day. I felt their pain for certain. I had a good facilitator, the best, and you met her Brad. Joyce was at the art auction and a dear friend of Marty's. Like everything else, there are good counselors and not so good counselors. I guess I was lucky but since I am a fatalist by religion I also believe it was meant to be. Had I not met Joyce I would not have known Marty and without them I would never have been pulled out of that pit of despair.

And yes the sun will still rise Patty. Somehow on the other side of tomorrow you will still be standing. The Moon and Venus as they dance over Maui tonight was meant for you to see. Sleep well.

For one Robin here we have no face to face. Here we can just read for hours and learn as we grow. Naturally it helps and is a comfortable way to go. For me it started out quite the opposite. I received grief counseling and went to a grief support group first before I found this place and I found it because it was recommended to me by my counselor. Grief support group is extremely hard for some including myself at first. You are face to face with others and it can be quite hard to allow yourself to cry in front of strangers. Here no one sees your face as you write and read and you can share or not what's happening to you but there is a love in both settings for we have a common bond. Any way we go it is a path to healing and that's the important thing.

That is so great! A truth like no other.

Brad I have met quite a few friends since my journey began and you know you are one of them. I find the need to not be alone far less severe these days though my sadness still creeps in at times. When I can spend time hanging out with people who are in the same boat it gives me comfort and companionship because we all get it. When we get tired of moping, we open our eyes to new friends and companions and if we truly think about it, it's a love like no other. It can not replace the husband or wife that we lost but it can make the road a lot easier to travel and there is nothing at all wrong with that.

A very good way to look at it Brad. We go with a gut feeling and I wonder why that feeling is there. You are right about not knowing for certain and accepting that you would be okay if you found out why. It just makes us wonder that if we feel as we do and they did too on their departure , then there is something awfully important about who the two of us were and that spells soulmate.

Marg if you recall I lost my dad five months after Kathy died. I loved that man dearly but my focus was so strong for the most important love of my life. There came a time much later when his loss caught up with me. Be easy with yourself Luv.

A person who lost the single most important person in their lives.

I suppose there are two ways to look at it. First we need to accept our feelings and if we can't hide them, we can't hide them so it just has to be there. If they are the kind of people that they could be and should be then they would accept that. We accept their feelings and don't judge them but if we need to be ourselves then so it will be. The other way of looking at it is that if they can't handle our feelings and we can't or won't hide them then we will see a distance grow between us and if that's the way it must be then so be it. The only people in my life that didn't share and care would be my wife's sister and my own brother and I don't see either one of them any longer. Now ask me if I care. It's better to surround yourself with love and see the "collateral beauty" that surrounded the loved one we lost.

Kay is right about every one being different but in the beginning a state of shock is quite common. Your internal clock stops working. You live in a kind of confusion between what is real and what you knew before and that takes time to sort out. I used to think of that time as a nightmare but looking back it was surreal. It was a dream . AB3 it took me two and a half months to find reality colliding with memory. For me that was just one more step on my journey, one you will have to make in your own time and in your own way. If we can be gentle with ourselves and allow ourselves to hurt we can find a peace in our anguish...............................one step at a time. We can't see the changes for they happen so slowly. Grief softens in time but you have to compare how you feel now as to how you felt a year before or two years before. That's when you realize that you have grown. For now we must just hold on to ourselves and allow the support from others get us through. One day your nightmare will change into a bad dream and then soften even more. Sadly there is just no quick end to what you are feeling. One night before you go to sleep you will think about how you laughed more than you cried. It will happen one day.

Karen I'm glad Robert got in and has a plan of action. We'll keep our best prayers and wishes going. Not many people would go through such lengths to help a dog and it's owner. Only people with compassion in their hearts.

Sometimes Patty when you sit quietly and watch the fire you can see both of you together.

It sure isn't the same is it? I've made it a point from the beginning of my griefs journey to keep doing things we did together. I go out to dinners at our favorite spots, (although now half of them are closed down or renamed) I travel to our favorite places. Hell I even watch our favorite movies alone but it's not the same. It will never be the same. How could it be?

Exactly.

George every Christmas is not the same. For me it is my sixth one and yet I had a really hard time. Last year was not nearly as hard. You said "I still miss her. I still long for her. Those feelings are there for reason". I so truly get that. I hurt for a reason. It's because the love never dies and if that's the price of love then so be it. Kathy is not coming back. She's never coming back and so that's sad. I cry sometimes because I love her still and when it happens I find a little comfort in knowing the reason. Could it be possible that with enough years and tears we can find some comfort in the "why"? I'm not sure I can articulate this but when those sad times hit me and I find myself in tears, I also find a strange smile growing inside me. Knowing why makes it seem better. There is something quite beautiful about the love I have for her and it's that love that helps pull me out of my despair. And those tears? They are not just for me. They're for me and Kathy both. I'm really not alone in this love affair.

Today I went to find a sympathy card for a woman I know who lost her husband on Christmas day. I had met them before and had dinner at their home and though I did not know them all that well, I knew what she must be going through. I also felt compelled to send her something but when I went looking for a card I only found a bunch that said exactly the wrong thing. The clichés were so meaningless and many said exactly what we don't want to hear. It was as if they were written by people who have never experienced a loss. I was surprised I didn't find the one that said "He is in a better place". All of us who get it tell each other what we need to hear and perhaps we should be writing these cards. Perhaps it would be another way to raise money for this site. It's a thought isn't it? I am writing my own saying to put in the card I will send this lady. Perhaps there is a way we could do such a thing. I wouldn't mind your thoughts. Steve

Your eyes all sparkle like the lights of the tree. Great picture Patty. It does evoke some joy in the memory of happier times. Those are the best ones to hold on to.

A brighter year indeed Darrel. Thank you for sharing that and you need not worry about correctness or abuse. You seem to be just fine adding your own unique perspective. It's nice to see your face now. I too am glad Kathy didn't have to endure this but in the end the choice wasn't ours. She could have lived for forty or more years and continued to bring a lot of joy into the lives of others so perhaps it isn't mine to appreciate. She would have survived my death as I am hers and even though it is indeed "crap" it is part of living. Sir Alec Guinness once said in a movie as an old man speaking to a younger, "We all sleep in a single bed eventually". I never forgot that concept and now I live it.

I wonder if she doesn't know Kay. Looks like more weather heading your way. Stay warm and don't put yourself at risk. When I was young I spent a lot of time in the kitchen with my mom, grandma, and aunt watching them cook and licking the spoons when they made the Christmas goodies. Perhaps that's why I find my kitchen the most comfy place to hang out.

Darrel I'm glad you stumbled in. Welcome and I wish it didn't have to be what caused you to join us but I hope you find some comfort here to ease you on your journey.

It's exactly the same thing Ana. Marriage is not the criteria for loving someone. You can love someone for all of time if that's who you are.

Indeed you are Marg. It doesn't matter what anyone thinks. That's between us and the person we remain married too. Sometimes after enough time has passed people lose sight of who you were and still are. No one but me knows what is privately hanging on my tree. I didn't hang it there for them.