KATPILOT

When you skype with someone almost twenty four hours a day you get a sense of their day and what they are going through. I don't mind admitting that I do that for as Patty and I go through our busy day at work I can stop and watch what she is doing. Today is the last day of operation of Maui Pasta in Hawaii and as I write this I am watching her cook in a frenzy. She set a record yesterday for the most money made in one day mostly because over 4000 facebook followers read that she was closing. I saw a lady put a lea over her neck and that kind of hit me. So many people there love her and will miss her badly. If she makes it just three more hours it will be over and that brings emotions all of their own. I feel rather helpless because I am back here in Scottsdale now working my own business. I have said that she teaches me courage. She teaches me more that that.

Brad I'm glad you did it. I was thinking the other day about how my life has changed so much over the last six years that included a lot of things that were not Kathy's favorite ideas but they were and are mine. When you love someone and spend your life with them you tend to give up some of your own desires but then so did Deedo and so did Kathy. Life is a compromise when you live together as one. We do things they want and they do things we want. I watched a lot of Dancing With The Stars and American idol but Kathy watched a lot of Star Trek too. We did those things out of love but when you are alone you find yourself eventually doing the things you like just because you can. There is a bit of an empty feeling in it though. At least it feels that way for me. Now I am embarking on a new adventure and I can compromise in my future once again. Strangely I rather welcome it for I don't see myself enjoying a life enjoying my stuff alone. I look forward to sharing them with my best friend. I look forward to the compromise again. We are all different but I think I belong in that environment. I am glad though that I did do some things just for myself over these last few years. I'm glad you did too.

Kathy always told me that life is short. To waste it would be a shame. I suppose I learned that truth when she died so young but in the time we had we did some stuff. No regrets really but wishing the days had been more. Now I realize that I am older than I was when I first understood that simple truth and how it rings more true than ever. I will take no day for granted in my new life and waste not a one. As we order a pod to move Maui Pasta and Patty's home across the Pacific to end up here in Scottsdale I find excitement and anticipation in this new adventure for she is coming here. I have it easy because I see her headlights coming. She has it hard looking in the rear view mirror. But one day we shall smile again and find ourselves alive once more.

Here for you baby always and forever.

I was thinking today as I sit at the airport waitng to fly to meet Patty how I once said when it came loving someone else, someone has to take the back seat. Once again I contradict myself. I also said in two books I have had a part in writting that I would never love or marry again . It seems I have a lot yet to learn. Kathy use to say to me "Never say never". It seems that life can change no matter what you do or not do. I am today very much in love with Kathy and yet so much in love with Patty. It also comes without conflict. I am an adult and free to feel and,do as I wish. I could never love again wotout accepting this truth. What a very odd place to be. I am flooded with emotion yet calm without conflict. life is a constant that is ever changing.

Happy birthday George!!

No matter how many years may pass, that day, the day they left us will always come with a sense of sorrow and so it is for you dear Anne on this fifth anniversary of losing your dearest Jim. The magnitude of the loss stays behind to haunt us for all the rest of our years yet tomorrow starts a year anew and hopefully it will come with happy memories of the love you shared and the special times of joy.

Finding new love is a wonder in itself after I never thought it could or would ever happen. It doesn't come easy though if you go through grief to get there. I doubt there ever could be an easy side to this but I wanted to share this with those who may find themselves in this unique place. For Patty it comes more difficult than for me because she is in the process of closing down Maui Pasta in Hawaii. With that comes the sorrow of her dream disintegrating and so comes the reality of it all. On June the fourth the doors will be closed ending a major chapter in her life. Her life with Ron and their dream. It doesn't matter that we will be starting Maui Pasta in Arizona where one has a fighting chance to make money and her first landlord will be me. All that can't negate the loss and I knew this was coming but kept it to myself. I knew I could not stop it but so hated to see it arrive. We have to hold on to each other and start a new dream. I can't think of a better place to see Maui Pasta rise from the ashes than in Phoenix. I wonder if anyone starts a new relationship without a bigger sense of the loss of their spouse and does that not start a grief process of it's own? Even I feel it........ and it has been over six years. It is not the same as when Kathy died but it is grief just the same. Twinges of the loss come back. The difference is how I feel about time. Seems so long ago yet feels like yesterday. I don't want to forget. I don't want to stop missing her and Patty allows me that. In turn she knows Ron is welcome in our life. I think Patty and I are unique and for that I feel blessed. I always said I live a charmed life. I have risen from the ashes before. I know how to do this. Now all I can think about is seeing her in two more days as I cross the Pacific again to find some peace and calm in the midst of her storm.

Nightwinds while these special days may bring sadness I hope you find some peace and joy in Brian's birthday. It will always be his day. What you are going through with everything speaks to your strength and courage. Hang in there for things won't always be this hard. Yes Kay. We can all use something good. Lord knows we deserve it.

Butch I am certain that no new life can replace another yet I am happy for you in the new grandson who waits to greet the world and you. My only grandson came into this life not long after my wife Kathy died and while it was bitter sweet, his eyes speak to me about joy and love after loss. My continued wishes for peace in your life. Steve

. But it was a good dream Ana. I hope today finds some peace for you in the happy memories you will always have.

Someone who knows me and heard I was in love and getting married once again said they were very happy for me saying I had grieved enough. Once again I am amazed at the things that come out of peoples mouths. I am not done grieving, I will never be done grieving and not a day goes by that I don't think of Kathy. Miracles do happen though . Yes they do indeed. John did set the bar pretty high Cookie but is was his bar. Kathy could never be compared to either. Two months along my griefs journey I was told by a friend of Kathy's sister that when I was ready she wanted me to meet someone who had lost her husband. She actually said "Steve she is just like Kathy". Who ever could deal with that one? Should the miracle happen for you Cookie, I would expect it not to be one you would or could compare to John. Patty is as different from Kathy as one could ever be..... and she has her own high bar.

Good words Maryann. Kathy would remind me often that life is short and how we never know how much time we have. In other words enjoy life while you have it. Once you learn a truth you just can't unlearn it. I read a book back in 1979. The book is "The Road Less Traveled" by M Scott Peck and one chapter is entitled "Risk of Loss". I know I have spoken of this before but I learned and never forgot how love cannot exist with that risk. So we find ourselves with this loss don't we? And... we find ourselves afraid of it happening again. To live without love and all those things that fill our lives would sadly be lost forever for you can never have them back again either. It takes great courage to try again. There is a lady in Maui who is teaching me that. It's hard to be brave when your heart aches so badly. The love we have for the one's we have lost will never end. This is a simple truth. I know that now. Having accepted that truth has allowed me to discover that I can love again.

Marty I get that. I can only imagine the loss and even though for you a new chapter began the sadness of leaving friends and this valley had to still hit you. Patty has a new life awaiting her yet leaving is the hardest thing. Kay, her partner Debbie is coming with her for she sees a new life for herself too. As the biggest investor in Maui Pasta Patty could never leave her "out to dry" and so that was her biggest fear and concerns. All things happen for a reason and it seems so interesting how this is all coming about. At first Debbie feared my becoming close to Patty as a threat to take her away. She found reassurance in talking with Patty and I that that was just not going to happen. So she wants to come with and three heads are better than one. It also helps that her grandchildren live in Denver. I think it will be wonderful because every one of us cares about the other. In fact my front show room will have a deli case in it with a joint use of picture frames and pasta. And...that's just the beginning. How fun is that? Kathy taught me how to see the joy in change and the wonder of possibility. She would be pleased to see this happening. And so would Ron. Indeed, so would he.

Just a small update. The struggle to keep Maui Pasta alive in Hawaii appears to be coming to a sad and difficult end. The cost of the struggle is more than Patty can bear. In fact it would be beyond our means to fight on in this difficult and extremely expensive court battle. She is not a vindictive person but the landlord gets to have the wrath of Maui county descend upon him for his part in this saga. What hurts the most is having to tell her employees that the time has come and one in particular who helped Patty when the ambulance came to take Ron away never to return. It has been all these events that has kept her from posting for even time to sleep has not been forthcoming. She will get through this and knows you all care so when time permits she will post again. We are striving to keep Maui Pasta and Ron's dream alive by giving it new life here in Arizona. Some dreams are meant to keep and this is one of them. She fears the move and the struggle insurmountable. I see it as a cake walk though that is easy for me to say. I only see the work to be done. I don't have to have my heart torn out. Nothing can be as hard as grief. Nothing.

You may think you did it for your own reasons Zoe but at the end of the day the writing was on the wall. We live beyond our pets yet they are our children. I know that if you love an animal you will face their loss. That is what makes you the special person that you are. You have been through this several times already and it will come to pass again. That is what love does to us. You cannot love without risk of loss. I am glad to have known Frankie. Your have more courage than I can ever imagine. Thanks for sharing the picture

So absolutely true. She teaches me courage.

Yes it's nice to hear your words again Robin.

Last weekend we both had a change of venue and went to Santa Ynez in California. It was so wonderful to leave the stress of work behind if just for a few days. The hardest part is saying goodbye but it is what it is till we get to say goodbye no more. But for a while she can leave the worry and stress behind and smile the most beautiful smile.

Congratulations Maryann ! Such great news.

"Perhaps one day".. Might be good words for now. Seven weeks is so soon to even make such a decision I'm thinking. Take it from someone who split up his wife's ashes to please his in laws. I knew it was wrong but I knew what they felt. Luckily for me they gave them back to me saying they knew it was wrong to split them. Had they not done that I would have regretted the decision forever. In time you will know what is right.

Sometimes when it seems the darkest, Ron's dream transforms itself into his love for you. It is you dear love that keeps his legacy alive. It resides inside you and shall last forever. Perhaps even in Maui Pasta Arizona.

"Angel on earth" Boy does that not describe them well Anne. We have a few walking among us and I need not mention names.

Kathy and I both knew and talked about how we never would have been right for each other had we met earlier in life. I for one was way too immature and had a hell of a lot of growing up to do. The one thing that sticks in my mind about our earlier lives is how she never married till she met me knowing all of the men she had met and been involved with were just not who she wanted to marry. She never wanted to marry anyone till she met me and she never wanted children until she met me. Sadly we both knew we were too far along in life to have had children together yet that was a source of sadness for her. Today I wish we had for as I was talking with Patty last night she had the same experience and we both today would have a child we would be raising on our own. The truth is however we would have had a piece of them and that would have been sweet and wonderful. It is interesting reading what some of you have written about the evolution of a marriage and how some people change together over time and grow together while some grow apart. I know my first marriage of twenty years was neither. We were never right for each other and we never changed who we were. We just endured twenty years of bad road.

Someone quite close to me shared her perspective about our lives and the lessons we are supposed to learn. I am slowly coming to understand that concept and while I felt for years that life was standing still I just knew there had to be a reason that Kathy died so young and left me behind. Keep in mind that "Phil" didn't learn lessons right away in the movie but after enough time he did. A love as deep as we have all shared cannot be for nothing. Love that important has to have a meaning, a purpose, and yes perhaps a lesson. Hard as it is to keep faith I think it is what we must do. Perhaps we have already learned something. We have begun to do tasks only they could do when we were a couple. One day we might realize how proud they are of us. I sure hope so anyway.