KATPILOT

How beautiful. Merry Christmas Marty and thank you for helping me have enough over the last year. Steve

Here's to all of us who share a pain this day. May the flame of their love never go out. Merry Christmas

Not a bad idea Marg. Can't you have a twenty four hour nervous breakdown? I've heard of twenty four hour bugs. I had a five hour one this morning that laid me to the bone. But I know why. It's raining outside and it's Christmas- the two most romantic things Kathy and I loved to spend together. We would have been nestled under the covers stuck to each other like glue. Ah yes, tis the season to be jolly.

There's that soul mate thing again right Patty. The one certainty is that death cannot stop true love and some songs were meant to be heard and understood by certain people. Only certain people. In a few hours when you close up shop and get on that plane with Catherine You will be having the third member of that sun star and moon traveling along right with you. Ron indeed is as close as he can be. Safe travels for I know it's a long way from Maui to New England. I'm glad you are not traveling alone.

Thank you Marie. My best wishes to you too.

Yes it is scary Patty. The whole journey is one of fear and uncertainty but as each day goes along we get through it. I like the idea of the moon sun and star. You know a star is also a sun so perhaps the star and the sun would be two stars locked in orbit (binary stars) with you, the moon, in the center of the two most important people in your life revolving around you.

Hi Maryann. I received a jury summons as well and did the same thing but I received another one after that. In Arizona they keep you connected through a drivers license and in Kathy's case that won't expire until March 24th of 2024. I expect I will receive more summons by then but I'd love to see her arrested for non compliance. I like hearing that you saw the film. Just going is one more accomplishment along this grief's journey. I hope the best for you and everyone else as we get through this difficult season. It does help to have someone with us when we see a movie Patty. I wouldn't recommend seeing one alone. You cannot worry about having a tear in your eye however because that's just going to happen. I even had that happen watching Zootopia for gosh sakes. One of the hardest things to do is something we did with Mark or Ron or Kathy, all of our spouses, for it evokes triggers reminding us of what we can never do again. But if we never do it................ then we'll never do it. I know this may not make much sense right now but I found a way of getting past the fear of doing this stuff. I got pissed. I said I will be damned if I'm going to let grief stop me from living. Before I leave my house I turn around and flip grief the bird, tell it to "F" itself and walk out the door. It's an interesting tool using anger to get past a moment and if it's a bad mental health issue to do so then indict me.

Yes Kay thank you for the updates. I keep the faith that Noah will make it out of this just as we all hope and pray.

Oh it does Gwen. This is exactly what it's all about. Personally I send my love out into space just in case maybe she's there to feel it. Of course we can never know and that's the rub. I think it describes what it means to be married without a bride or groom.

Good and true words indeed.

You can try but it's so hard to prepare for this Dr L. I know her heart wanted it to be easier for you but ....... and it's never a bad time to post. Please feel free to say what needs to be said because that's simply who we are. I'm so sorry for the reason you are here but glad you spoke up and we welcome you.

Patty I love this drawing you did. It's the stars and planets on the other side that I find most interesting. It's like there is another dimension beyond our physical plane. Perhaps that's where we get to travel to on our journey cross the other side. "Drops of Jupiter".

Wow! How cool. Thank you everyone. I am going out with my son and grandchildren tonight and best of all, after dinner I'm going to take some Advil PM and sleep tonight for way more than the five hours I'm used to. (My little treat for myself).. Just one small little downer is that someone will be missing but your birthday is going to happen no matter what you do so we make the best of it.

Kay I'm so sorry to read about Arlie. I hope things turn out well and surgery won't be required. My best hopes.

For the last three weeks I have been buried in work so I have missed so much of what has been going on here with our group. I haven't had the time to dwell on the sad part of the season opting to sleep before turning on the computer but I am not complaining for that is what it means to run your own business and make it while you can so to speak. I'm caught up now and have the time to relax but with it comes all the emotions I have been holding back. It seems sometimes when you ignore your feelings they eventually become more intense. I wish you all the best this Christmas for I know how it is, especially for you who are spending the first one without them. I'd like to say it gets easier but I'm not sure about that yet. Somehow we will wake up in January starting another year on grief's journey. I hope it's one filled with more happy times than sad. Steve

Butch when I was 8 I was hit by a car and everyone understood I was going to die. I had a head injury along with a ton of other injuries but I made it. Kids sometimes have the ability to heal like adults cannot. I put my parents through hell and I wish I could have not done that to them but in the end it all worked out. I woke up two days later with no understanding or memory of what happened. I believe Noah has the same chance and I am sending my best thoughts and energies to him. I know this is such a hard time of year and yes you are exhausted. Sometimes bad things happen to good people but often good things follow in it's path. My best to you and your family.

You have that right Gwen. Sometimes things like this can happen when you need it the most and Patty remember no matter how dark things may seem there are people out there that truly care. Thank you for sharing this so we all can feel this very warm and loving gesture.

Yes and you will never look at life the same ever again. I'm sorry for what brought you here Caitlynn but you've found this safe place to come.

Mine too.

Good place to go Kay. I like to think that they are indeed holding us still. That's my Christmas wish.

Good points littlebro. Robin just be careful of your heart. It's taken enough of a blow already and being widowed brings a new and strange dynamic to relationships with other people. Things become complicated when we get close to another person. We are already suffering in our grief and it becomes even worse when we allow other people to change our direction. Be careful with yourself and keep your eyes open. Craigslist is fine but bad people can be lurking there. Always meet in a very public place and give no information out about where you live until such time that you feel safe. Be aware that that hunger you speak of was satisfied by someone you were in love with and he was in love with you. Once you have known sex and love together it may seem somewhat empty with only one part of that equation.

Yes Happy Birthday Anne!! sorry I'm late

I can certainly understand why you feel this way Mitch. What a perfect day for an anniversary yet how very hard it can become. I'm so sorry.

I'll bet she is Brad as well as a thousand different places she wants to be. I know from things you have written that Deedo loved Christmas. There is a special room in your house that demonstrates that isn't there? This is your second Christmas without her and my guess is that it isn't much better than last year. Christmas was Kathy's favorite time of the year. We did the decorating together and always hosted the family. It was a joint effort all the way but we relished in it. She baked. I ate. many a night was spent listening to the music with the fire going. It just couldn't have been more perfect. I'm saying this because I took a nose dive at the holidays. Without her it hurt to much to face it alone. All of the activity we shared was left to myself alone and that was a void I can't even describe. The point to this little story is this: I did it anyway. Through the tears and the sorrow I did it anyway and it wasn't that I was masochistic. It was for my sons and grandchildren. It was so we could have the festive dinner among the decorations for no one else cooks and I've got the china. So with some distorted obligation I pushed on and now as I enter my sixth Christmas without her I can say it has become easier. I smile a little more. I find myself breaking down but I get back up again. It only lasts for a few minutes or perhaps an hour but I am so used to the tears in the middle of the joy that it has almost become second nature. Every one is different of course but one thing is for certain. I am nothing like the man I was seven Christmases ago. Now as I start baking things as she used to do I will feel her still nearby perhaps watching me with a smile or hopefully keeping me from screwing up.

Patty I'm pretty sure that your daughter will be understanding about however you are on her visit. She knows. She gets it. I'm also pretty sure she would see beyond a façade. Try thinking about yourself on this one. You are heading into a season with triggers at every turn. If they lay you low so be it. All that matters is that you survive it and we are all here for each other so you're never alone on this journey. And another thing, the fact that you are still fighting speaks a lot for you being in your first year. The truth is that every one of us who continues trying is doing pretty damn good considering being widowed. I have added some Snow Village pieces to the collection Kathy and I bought together. Setting up Christmas is the hardest damn thing to do but I am getting better holding myself together every passing year. This piece that I found last year spoke to me so I bought it. It reminded me of the hospice home that Kathy spent her last days in because the ladies who worked there were angels on earth. It also made me think that Kathy would be in that place since she is an angel now too. I told one of my granddaughters when she asked me about the new addition that maybe, just maybe that's where Kathy lives.