KarenK

I do too,even though his moods can be exasperating. He is like my 3rd child as my son has been a single parent since his son was an infant, except for one horrid girl he married for a couple of years. Even then, she was a witch, not a mother. In a way, he probably thinks of me as his mother and grandmother. To him, Ron was the grandfather that took him fishing and liked to do things with him. I have mentioned before that he has an anxiety disorder that does not allow him to leave the house except to visit his dad. I wish he would seek help, but does not believe he can be helped.(Sigh)

Thank you, my friend. I need all the hugs I can get. Only person who hugs now is my son. Sometimes just feel so alone and lost. I was talking to my grandson tonight about not feeling a need to ever buy any more collectibles, dvd's, clothes, etc. because at my age, who would want any of it after I'm gone. He said each piece you want to keep because of the memories of Ron, I would want to keep because of the memories of you. I would not sell or give any of it away. It was a nice thing for him to say. I am not truly alone, just missing important pieces.

Oh Marg, What memories that word evokes! When Ron was put on life support, I called my daughter in Kentucky sobbing and gasping for breath, trying to tell her what had happened. The first words she said were "Breathe, Mom, just breathe". A year later when she died, there was no one to tell me to breathe and I haven't since "Survive" is also a key word. That is all I do now. No more living.

Welcome Cyndi, to our tribe. We are all together on this sinking ship, but we carry many lifelines to toss to each other. I'm so sorry to hear that you lost Larry. I lost my husband, Ron in 2013 and my daughter Debbie in 2014, both to Cancer. It is therefore difficult for me to say that the grief is worse during the second year as mine was multiplied by the death of my daughter. Even 3+ years later, I have only adapted, not recovered from the losses. There are so many wonderful, kind, and caring people here who truly understand your feelings. Feel free to post whenever and whatever you wish. Someone here has probably felt it, too. The first rule is " No, you are not crazy". Whatever you are feeling is normal. If only we didn't have to wake up from those "nice" dreams.

As long as I can see over the steering wheel....................Actually, I've had quite a few comments and looks from people when I go to the store or carwash, like "YOU'RE driving this truck!" Yeah well, it didn't drive itself here. lol Worse case scenario, I can always run over cars without a problem. It feels funny to drive a car now, like you are sitting down on the ground.

We sold our Buick LeSabre a couple of years before Ron was diagnosed with Cancer. It was simply gathering dust in the driveway as we always drove Ron's big Dodge Ram quad cab. We were always together. He was so proud of his big truck. I have been driving it since he became to ill to drive. Kudos to the person who designed inside handles on those vehicles. I have to pull myself up with them to get in. It has 120,000 miles and is still in great condition. My son takes care of the oil changes. I have never used the 4WD(Not much snow in Phoenix). If it decides to break down, it will also sit in the driveway and gather dust. I cannot afford to fix it. For as long as I shall drive it, it will always be Ron's truck.

Kay, I can't remember the last time I heard from my SIL or Kentucky grandchildren "Out of sight, out of mind", I guess. I try not to dwell on it. He had moved to Tennessee where he has friends with land. I hope the little horse went with him. I can only assume my grandchildren are okay. My ex sent me a Christmas card. He remains a kind, caring friend. He had not heard from them in ages and lives in the same town. Yet another stab to my soul.

My former neighbors are very involved in their church. He is an elder, I believe. I visited their pentecostal church once, but was a bit overwhelmed with the service. We were not close, but used to visit in the driveway. He always quoted a lot of scripture to me including the one regarding the helping of widows. Even coming from a church official, that is as far as it went. They do not call or check on me. Don't get me wrong. They do not owe me anything. It would just be nice if some people would "practice what they preach". Just when you think, someone cares.............. I have yet to find a church here that equals my daughter's tiny Baptist church in Kentucky where members actually care and offer assistance and love.I don't think one exists here in this big rushing metropolis. Yes, Kay. I think a church is only as good as it's members.

Marita, I'm so sorry about your horse. I often wonder what happened to my daughter's horse, Shania after her husband lost their home. She was like a big puppy and followed Debbie everywhere.

Butch, There are just no words............. I am so very sorry. Will be thinking of you. Karen

Sorry Joyce, I did not realize it was you in Florida and not Gin. Since she is in Illinois, I will worry for her when tornado season hits, just as I always did for my daughter who was in Kentucky. We sure don't have any weather like either of those in Arizona, just heat, heat, heat. So glad you and Terri are safe.

At least two of our friends here live in Florida, Terri and Gin. Please let us know that you are alright girls, as this scary hurricane is on its way.

Good one, Marty! I actually live in very south Scottsdale(the slums, if you will). Scottsdale's elites are in the north part. Things have changed dramatically since 1968 when I bought this place.

I remember so well coming here two years ago after my baby had died. So many of you saved my life as I lay crying in the hospital, alone, frightened and far from home and my son with that cruddy pneumonia. You and one very special nurse kept me sane. Thank you, my friends.

Gwen, Now that I think about it, perhaps this is just "Nazi" Scottsdale. Here, you cannot work on your vehicle in your driveway or park a vehicle with out of date license plates there. Any vehicle parked on the street must be facing the direction of the traffic flow or you will be cited. I'm sure there are a million other stupid nit picky laws here.

Steve, I love it!! The "palm tree Nazis". My alley is okay for now, just dirty and nasty. My back yard is awful. Am waiting till it's cooler to clean up after the dog. I water the front every other night and it stays just as dry & brown. If you drain the koi pond, donate the dead koi to the city. The city is offering a whopping $1500 on a $6000 cost for removing a pool. Don't imagine they'll get many takers. Ah yes, green golf courses. There are only 200+ in the county.

Here is my joke for the day. As you know, I have been receiving warnings from the city for having dry grass. On the local news tonight, it seems that Scottsdale( my city) is paying people to have their pools removed, an attempt at water conservation. Now ain't that a kick in the teeth. I just laughed. I can hardly wait for the next call or letter which I will cram down their throats.

Like each of you, I did not expect Ron to die. I knew he had a horrible, uphill battle to fight against his cancer and other medical problems, but in the 40+ years we were married, he had always accomplished whatever he set out to do. The day before he aspirated into his lungs, I was visiting SNF's to find a place for him to recuperate. Not until that happened, did I have a clue, but then I saw him slipping away. In my mind, my daughter is not dead. She is simply too busy living her life, enjoying her home and her horses to call me. In my heart, I know she is gone.

I understand what you must have felt returning to the house. I was forced to sell our home in the mountains that we were to move to until my husband passed away. It had been in our family for 40 years. I was pressed for time and financial reasons. It makes me so sad to think of all I have lost. I have never been back to see it and I never will.

Gwen, I am picturing you floating around your yard in your nightgown like a "wraith". I don't want you to become a real one. You, Kay, and I need to stick together on our after hours adventures. Marg, You mentioned seeing your burial plot. Talk about surreal! That was what I felt when I saw our headstone with my name on it. It was not upsetting, just a weird feeling.

Marg, I'm with you on the silk flowers, although the initial spray was fresh ones. In this heat, fresh ones last about 30 seconds. It's funny, but I did not realize there was funeral "protocal". I never thought about being invited to one. I just assumed if you cared about the person, it was appropriate to attend. I guess funerals are for the living, not for the person you wish to honor.

Butch, Put some brown sugar in those carrots. lol Have you ever tasted baby food? I'm a baaad grandma.

What a stellar idea! Why don't we just "buy" loyal friends. Oh wait, there's a place for that already. It's called the Humane Society or your favorite shelter. Those friends never let you down.

Thank you all for understanding. Yes, it helps a bit to speak of it, although this is not an appropriate place. I truly have no one left to talk with. My mother and daughter were my confidantes and they are gone. They lived it with me. I would never "speak ill" of my husband to our son, although he is aware of some things. Gwen and Marg, I somehow missed out on the drug scene although I lived the "Woodstock" era. Ron and I did a bit of drinking in the early 70's, but lost interest. I'm glad because he was a "mean" drunk. It is 3 AM, but I'm not tired. Since I'm awake, I did something constructive. I watered the lawn. Could see pretty well by the moon. Glad no neighbors are awake to send the men in the white coats. lol

Marg, I have tried for years to avoid reality. It doesn't matter. In the end, it found me. I have not escaped time or myself. I now live with the ramifications of trying to hide from reality. I don't drink or use drugs. Instead, I found solace in gambling. It was so much better than facing the reality that I am alone, that my husband and child are dead. Reality was sitting in this house with it's silence and ghosts night after night. I lost most of my dignity and my mind. I escaped reality for a few hours each week. It has come home to roost. I am ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. For so many years, we lived like ships that pass in the night, nearby but never quite touching. Perhaps we should have gone our separate ways, but reality was too hard to face, so we stayed, sniping away at each other. I loved him. He was my life, yet his love dwindled away. His head was filled with untruths that destroyed us. That was reality. I miss his presence in the empty bed. I missed it even before he died. That was reality. Night after night, I relive the horror of the last several years, a reality I can't change. Like you, I have been an enabler all my life. I cannot change that personality any more than you can. It is ingrained in us to take care of our families, no matter what the cost to us. My brain does not focus too much on getting older, but my body does. That is reality. Living in fantasy is so much easier and less painful. At least until reality rears it's ugly head. HANG IN THERE, GIRL!