KarenK

I wonder if being "electronically challenged" is primarily a girl thing. I have a myriad of wires running behind my equipment and have no idea what is what. Like you all, Ron installed everything. I have five Bose speakers around the walls, only one of which is working, so I hear everything in mono. I doubt that four speakers quit at one time and think that it is probably a receiver problem, but sure can't afford $500 for a new one. Unfortunately, that is not covered under my home maintenance agreement with Sears. It is expensive to purchase , but has saved my butt many times with repairs. It's sad, but I also have grass growing through the foundation? on that wall. All I know to do is to keep the outside area trimmed and keep pulling that grass out from the baseboard. lol I used to be a little leery of strangers coming here for repairs and always had my pistol within reach. They were probably more afraid of me than I was of them. Now I just make sure they know I have a ferocious(ha-ha) dog.

It is a beautiful tribute, Butch. Absolutely no need to apologize.

Interesting article, Marg. I don't think I've ever given any thought to what stage of grief I have been in or may be in now. After all, when you have a million confusing thoughts flying around in your head, who has time to ponder this. For me, it is just a matter of getting through each day unscathed. I would welcome "moving forward", but it has not happened. I am certainly not the only person to ever lose a spouse and a child close together. Just when I was beginning to see a glimmer of sunlight, I was slammed again. I always think of a woman here in the valley who lost her ex and her three children in the blink of an eye. He was flying out of town on vacation with the kids in his small plane and somehow flew into the side of the Superstition Mtns. How could she possibly cope?

I held onto the anger at those that caused Ron to suffer unnecessarily and hastened his death as well as the horrible Hospice in Kentucky that allowed my daughter to suffer a horrible, painful death. I held onto that anger for a very long time. The thing about anger is that it eats you alive, especially when you can't change the end result of what happened. So, somewhere along the way, I let it go. I often wonder if I will ever find any semblance of happiness again. Ron has been gone for over three years now and next month will be two years since I buried Debbie. My life is filled with an unending sadness which never abates.

Butch, I love the picture of Gracie in the yellow dress. She looks as if she is waiting to join the conversation. I confess that I am a sucker for baby clothes. Ron and I used to "adopt" two children at Christmas from the Angel Tree. I always chose the babies just so I could buy the clothes.

Mitch, I am so sorry that few acknowledged your post and left your hurting even more. I did not see it as I rarely venture outside of the "Loss Of Spouse" forum. That is my shortcoming. Please know that I understand. Your love for Tammy shines through every post you make.

George, Thank you for the links. Autonomic Neuropathy is as good an explanation as any I guess except that the only symptoms I have is the rising BP and dizziness. The rising BP accompanies the pounding heartbeat which is more prevalent when those lousy thoughts come unbidden. The dizziness can happen even when I am sitting down. I think it is all related to stress which I have more than my share of. It was decided that I got the Aspergillosis because my immune system was so compromised after Ron and Debbie died and the fact I had been there in Kentucky on a farm for three hot, humid months breathing unfamiliar air. It may be 115 in Phoenix, but it is a dry 115. lol Smoking is my vice. Thank you for not preaching.

Blast it, Marg! "The hits just keep on comin'", don't they? I hope Kelli is doing alright and not too sick from the radiation. I sometimes think there is some malevolent being sitting in the corner saying "Oh, goody. Let me inflict some more suffering and stress on this person". Don't worry about the house. It will be there when you get back. Love the waitress picture.

"Wherever You Go, There You Are" That is my thought for today, for maybe several days. Actually, It is a line in a Clint Black song on a CD I played today on my way back from the doctor's office. The content of the song is not about grief at all, but this line is stuck in my head. The other thing that is stuck in my head is the continuous playing of the horror movie of my daughter's last two weeks on this earth and her death. It plays over and over 24/7. I try to dig for the memories of her as a child, but they are not there anymore. There are snippets here and there, but most all my memories from long ago have been destroyed by too many years of a stressful marriage. Over the years it becomes easier to tune out the bad things you don't want to hear or remember, but in doing so you also tune out the good things, the important things. It is 4:30 AM and I can't sleep. I need to sleep as I have to be somewhere at 9. But my brain will not shut off. It never does. I am running as fast as I can to catch that one thing that I can't seem to grasp. Peace.

Gin, My regular doctor has given me 2 different kinds of inhalers. He stressed the importance of using Albuterol at least once a day. However, 2 of the possible side effects are shortness of breath and pounding heartbeats, both of which I have already, so I choose not to use them. I am a stubborn old woman. My lungs have not been right since I got the fungal pneumonia(Aspergillosis) in Kentucky in 2014. It is one of those things that kind of stays with you forever. The so called medicine for it is not covered by insurance at about $300 per month. Way out of my price range. Of course, smoking does not help. My shortness of breath happens if I do very much physical activity at all, even pushing a damn grocery cart. No doctor I have seen can explain my blood pressure rising when I lie down.

No big deal! I went for my followup regarding my stress and echo tests, etc. today. I knew there was nothing wrong with my heart, but you know in medicine that the doctors have to share the wealth. I have yet to make the doctors acquaintance(have seen the PA twice). Tests were fine. I can no longer run up the side of a mountain, but have no plans to. Smoking and aging will do that to you. If I get dizzy or short of breath, I'll sit down. What do I care that I'll never be Jack LaLane? She gave me an A+ and said "See you next year." I told her that I'm too mean to die.

Love and hugs to you, Kay. I'm sorry that someone made a crass remark to you regarding the length of your marriage. Back in the 1840's there was a political party called the "Know Nothings". I can't tell you why, but when I read your post "know nothings" came to mind. It just seems like a good description for some people. Your 10 years are just as important to you and my 40 are to me.

Butch, "You Needed Me" was our song also. The lyrics represent my life and how Ron changed it. I played that vinyl album to it's death. It takes all my strength to listen to it now, but I thank you. He has been gone for over three years. My soul remains empty. Gracie is a precious doll and gets more beautiful each day. Cherish those "naptimes". Karen

I learned a long time ago that most people do not really care how you are and that answering anything other than "fine" throws them off kilter. They are not interested in hearing about your problems. Many years ago, I had a supervisor who had a perpetual smile and always asked "How are you doing?". I could have answered with the worst tragedy and she would have replied with something like "That's good, dear". False, false, false and I can't stand being called "dear". It makes me feel very old and I'm not caught in anybody's headlights.

Terri, What mental hospital did your BIL escape from. That is just nuts! After a couple of years my "odd" BIL decided to start "hitting" on me and proceeded to tell me that he never liked Ron anyway. This revelation after 41 years plus many more of Ron helping him. He is not welcome here. I am fortunate that my son and grandson are here to help me with the things I can no longer do. Although I would love to leave this hot place, I cannot. We somehow accept the things we cannot change.

You could win the fight with the dark haired senorita, hands down. I think Ron is up there somewhere in Monument Valley riding among the monoliths with his buddy John Wayne. That fight would be a draw. He loved John Wayne. Neither of us had a chance against the fella with the hood and scythe.

I hear you, Marg. Out of nowhere, these thoughts come unbidden. It is overwhelming to think that two of the people I loved most in the world are gone forever. The thoughts fade away, leaving behind yet another mortal wound.

Gin, Like you, I am short of breath a lot. It is difficult for me to push the grocery cart without stopping for a moment. This is my fault. I smoke and have done so for 50 years. I do not want to quit. It is too late. I have no life and very little to live for. Yet, deep inside I do not want to die. I think of Ron and my daughter, Debbie always, always and the unimaginable suffering they each went through just to live one more day. In a lucid moment the day before she died, she looked up at me and said "I just love life". I could not dishonor her by doing less. How was your echo stress test?

Marg, I have always wondered how life can go so smoothly and according to plan for some, while others like those of us here are rudely stopped in their tracks. Perhaps it is because of poor choices we made along the way. A friend from work once described it as "falling butter side up". I am proud of you for moving on, not from Billy, but from a life that causes you further pain. You have a plan. After i lost Ron, I thought I had one, but it did not materialize. I wanted to walk away from this old place and go live in my cabin the woods, but I could not. The paid for cabin would have been seized to pay for this house and all the other debts we had accrued. So i had to give up my dream. I also needed money to get to my daughter and help her and my sil as their home was in jeopardy. Then she died. My retirement funds were depleted due to the stock market fiasco in 2008 and I found myself with only SS. My household income had been cut by 2/3. So, I made another plan. My son was agreeable to selling his place(which he inherited from my mother) and he, his son, and I would live here contributing equally between he and I as his son cannot work. That fell through as the two of them just can't live together for any length of time. So, I inherited my grandson. I am much more tolerant of his "anxious" personality. My son confided that he would much rather stay where he is and live alone. Not what I wanted to hear, but I will respect that. I have decided to quit making plans and let the chips fall where they may. It is difficult for me to live this "hand to mouth" existence, having been so self sufficient for all those years. Ron and I would have been happy living under a rock. I do not like living under this rock alone.

In the midst of all the "what if's" floating around in our fractured hearts, we must each remember that we did everything possible within our own human knowledge and capabilities to save our loved ones. We all have regrets for the things that we did or did not do. The one thing we all did was to love that person until the end of their days and beyond and I have to believe that they each knew it. For me, I try to remember that I honored Ron's long time wish that he never die in a hospital. I moved heaven and hell to get Hospice to bring him home on that last day. They doubted he would survive the ambulance ride. He did and I believe he knew I had brought him home. We must all be gentle with ourselves.

Marg, I once fell in the buffet line at Golden Corral. Loose veggie on the floor, slick boot soles and "BAM!" right on my back. Fortunately, I wasn't carrying a plate of food. Unfortunately, a handsome young man came to my rescue. I was so embarrassed. Nothing hurt except my knee and my pride. Even old mules like us are not as sure footed as we once were. lol Hope you are not too stiff today.

Marg, I always wonder just how long doctors have to "practice" before they get it right, and why must we be the guinea pigs? To be honest, I doubt that Ron had much of a chance after his cancer diagnosis, considering his diabetes and bad heart, but what little chance he had was removed when the ER nurse caused his bladder problem that inadvertently delayed the cancer treatments. At diagnosis the plan was lung radiation, chemo, H&N radiation and then surgery. After months of delays he completed the lung radiation. On the horrific day that they placed the feeding tube, chemo port, and pulled 16 teeth, I asked the doctor when the chemo would begin and the surgery scheduled. He looked at me and said "There will never be a surgery." I did not have to ask why because I knew it was too late. Ron had given up by then and threatened several times to drive out into the desert with his 44 Magnum, so as not cause a mess here. Fortunately, he was too weak to drive anywhere. I know he tried to stay positive for me and the kids, but being hospitalized 13 times in 6 months was just more than his tired, sick body could stand. As you say, there is nothing we can change. I cannot reconcile with the thought that my precious daughter is gone. She suffered so horribly for 6 years, fighting through unimaginable things. My mind just can't go there. As for me, my followup is June 9. I'm sure they have found nothing concrete or would have already called me. If they by chance found something, I'm not at all sure I want it fixed. Speaking of calling me, I had had a message from them a week ago stating that they had not seen me in over a year and I needed to call for an appointment. DUH!! I was in just 2 weeks ago for all those damn tests. I hope the doctors reading the test results are a little more efficient that their staff. Quit working so hard, girl! Slow down and smell the roses while we can still smell. lol

Marg, The picture is perfect! I think "SPLAT!" would be a good description of how we all feel most of the time. Sending hugs.

Gin, Health problems are just another "gift" of grieving, I suppose. I have seen more doctors since Ron & Debbie left than throughout my whole life. Our bodies are just so run down and our resistance is gone. I understand well the frightened feeling of facing these things alone. Even though you may have other family or friends to stand by you, it is not the same as your soulmate. When I ended up in the hospital with fungal pneumonia after burying my daughter, my SIL brought me his laptop. I felt so alone being 1500 miles from home, but was at least able to communicate with our friends here. They helped me to retain my sanity. Please remember that we are here for you hoping that the doctors can figure this out.

Every Thursday night, Scottsdale hosts it's Artwalk" on Main St. Sadly, there are very few Western galleries now. They have been replaced with Russian, French, Contemporary, etc. All of the galleries exhibit paintings that run in the thousands. I went to see if one Native American gallery might be interested in purchasing some of my more expensive items, the kinds of things you don't want to put on on Craigslist or are too fragile to ship on EBay. I would hope to get at least half of what I paid for them, but probably won't. The shop was closed, so I decided to walk past the shops. I did it out of boredom more than anything else. Just another sad reminder that I am alone. There were only couples strolling hand in hand or eating at the sidewalk cafes enjoying conversation. Ron and I used to do that and spent a lot of time laughing at what others consider "art". Another place to stay away from.