KarenK

Mitch, I'm so sorry I am late with the birthday wishes. I've been a little wiped out from the "fun" Nuclear Stress Test. Hope your day was pleasant.

Could be Brad, could be. This happened up the the area of Kendrick Peak north of Flagstaff many years ago. Topped a hill and there they were in all their glory. Needles to say, we gave them their privacy.

I no longer keep a gun in the house because of my grandson. I depend on my dog and those next door to make a lot of noise, which they do all the time. We had 2 attempted break-ins. a kid whacked out on drugs and a drunk old man. Neither was here to steal or do bodily harm. Each was confused and thought he lived here. Plus, either David or I are always here. A burglar would also be sorely disappointed by the lack of valuables here. Of course, George's poor dad is losing his things when he is away. Short of having someone "babysit" the house, what can you do? Just seems like the police aren't being very helpful.

This is a crazy memory about makeup. My father died in '77. My folks had been married for 32 years. During those years, my mother was never without makeup. When he had an abdominal aneurysm and was being rushed to the hospital by ambulance, I followed right behind. She stayed behind and took the time to dress properly and put on her makeup and then Ron brought her to the hospital. I could never figure that one out and I didn't ask. Some time later, I was relating this to my cousin. She said my father didn't like for my mother to go ANYWHERE without makeup. I know she was in shock and guess that she put makeup on to please him. Unfortunately, it made no difference. He spoke his final words to me in the driveway when I said "I'm right here, Daddy" and he answered "I know you are".

George, It just makes me so angry that these A-Holes are taking advantage of your dad. Can the police do anything to help, like put an unmarked in the neighborhood, or have I simply been watching too much TV. Sounds like he needs a big, mean dog. May not help at all, but whenever we went out of town, we left the radio on a talk station or left music playing to appear that someone was home. Just is so sad that he literally has to guard his home.

When did we get so old, Gwen? I think those many years of caring for our guys took a toll on us that we didn't realize at the time. I can't even remember the last time I had a good nigh't sleep. I slept with one eye and ear open as Ron was no longer comfortable sleeping in the bed, so he slept on the family room couch. I was always getting up and down to help him. Now, when the opportunity to sleep is here, my body refuses. Went to JC Penney's today to spend my $10 off a $10 purchase. Love those coupons. Since I don't need anything, it takes me a while to find something. I had to sit down twice because of dizzy spells. I's like I have no energy at all. I like the "insult to injury" analogy.

I quit wearing makeup(except for lipstick) back when Ron was diagnosed with cancer. We averaged 8 doctor appointments per week and it was less time consuming just to skip it. Although I'm sure it enhances my appearance , there is no one left that I'm trying to impress. I do take the time to use it for church and doctor appointments. I don't want to scare anyone too badly. Joyce & Brad, I remember the "red nose" promotion and will also think of Dale & Deedo when I see it. There is nothing wrong with "silly". We all need more of it.

Mitch, Marty beat me to it, but I will send my hug anyway. Even after 3 years(today) of Ron's being gone, I still long for his presence. It certainly made those bad things more bearable. I guess we'll just have to believe that he & Tammy are out there somewhere listening to us. I will never forget how he would call to me from the family room as he watched TV and say "Did you see that?" or "Did you hear that/", when I was completely at the other end of the house. I couldn't possibly have seen or heard what he referred to and could barely hear him. I can't hear him at all now.

Laura, Maybe I should have said that I am resigned to being alone instead of adapting to it. I am still searching for a church where I feel comfortable. This is a chore as I'm not really religious, but thought it might be a good place to seek friendship. I don't go around the nearest Senior Center because my BIL literally hangs out there. He & I don't see eye to eye. I can no longer afford the activities of the Solo Seniors group I joined and as Gwen said, feel somewhat out of sync with them. I am the only one who wears boots and jeans and drives a big truck. lol I am about 40 years too old for the "bar scene". Just not sure where one goes to make "friends" and I use that term loosely as I know it takes a lot of time to develop a true friendship. As you do with Lena, I enjoy the company of my dog. She's just not much for conversation.

Laura, I am sorry that you feel so alone. Many of us here are experiencing the same thing, that loss of the person you most depended on despite having grown children. They usually have their own lives or are not interested in participating in some of the activities we like to do. Ron & I enjoyed arts & craft shows. My son could care less about them. He doesn't like going out to dinner. Sometimes I wonder where he got his genes. lol Because we were loners, I have no friends to accompany me. My grandson lives here with me so I am covered if an emergency arises, but we rarely communicate. He NEVER leaves the house except to visit his dad. I do not like "alone", but have adapted to it. Holidays are just like any other day to me except that my son usually comes over on Thanksgiving and Christmas. Even those days hold no special joy anymore. We were never part of any social functions, but I can imagine that it hurts to remain uninvited.

In our much younger days, Ron & I would "wilderness" hike in northern Az. There are still some uninhabited areas here. You found hiking boots. We found naked people running around, rattlers waiting to strike, and elk right in your face. lol Those hikes bring fond memories of better times. As much as my heart would like to revisit those places, my body would revolt & they are not places an old woman should be alone in. I will restrict my hiking to Walmart, also. I envy you and Kay for living in such beautiful places. I hear you Kay, about uphill. Too tough for me now. Even flat ground above 10,000 feet is off my menu.

Earlier today, I conversed with a person on CSN. She is grieving the loss of her mother to leukemia, 8 years gone now. She had asked if hiking was beneficial to anyone during their grieving process. She had spent a week hiking alone in Alaska and it made her feel somewhat better. This made me think of you, Brad and of Andre who now hikes alone without Margaret. Unfortunately, my own hiking is limited to walks in the park where my dog walks me. But still, even that little bit of getting out of the house is life affirming and lets me know I am still alive. I invited her to join this forum if she so chooses to share her experiences and receive care and compassion from all of us.

Polly, I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter's young friend. It is especially hard when a young person dies. Will be thinking of you as you survive this unwanted anniversary. Thursday for me will be 3 years since Ron left. I am still treading water.

A little hope for me(I think). I have been working with my mortgage company for months trying to get a loan modification. They are worse than the IRS for communication. I was finally able to talk to MY representative last week. She told me that the application was approved, but is still unable to tell me what the terms are as it is not yet finalized. Each person I have spoken with in the past was perplexed to understand the loan. That in itself sounds scary. I was told to skip May's payment and that June, July, August "trial" payments would be an amount that is $200 lower than my current payment. Ongoing payments have yet to be undetermined. Unfortunately, I had paid for May the day before, but that will apply to June. None of this is "written in blood" so I am leery until I see the actual paperwork. This will not solve my financial dilemma, but will certainly be helpful. At least, I'll be able to stay here for a few more months.

Enna, What wonderful news! Can't wait to see the picture. My mother's name was Anna Marie, also. She went by Marie. My grandmother's name was Anna.

Marg, Not to worry(about the garbage cans). I find my brain slipping also. Last week, I was being so efficient fixing dinner(not my forte) that I heated up the veggies in the microwave, only when I looked inside after it buzzed, they weren't there. They were still sitting on the counter. Glad the thing didn't blow up. lol As for church, I'm going to give it another try this morning.

For me, it is cathartic to sometimes post off topic as we sometimes do re: art,actors, movies, financial woes, health, etc. I cannot grieve constantly 24/7 or I would be crazier than I am. This does not mean that I loved my husband or child any less anyone else. It is a means for survival. I do not feel it necessary to post on the Loss of Child Forum as most here are familiar with my double loss. We are all here to give and receive compassion and comfort, no matter who we lost.

She is a tiny angel, Butch. I can almost imagine what it is like to hold her. My daughter's two children each weighed 5 lbs. at birth. You could hardly find them in the blankets.

Kath, I'm so sorry that your son reacted this way. You do not need the extra pain that I'm sure this caused you. Perhaps in time, he will come to realize this. Many here have taken/are taking anti-anxiety meds. I do not think the effects are immediate. They take a few weeks to get the desired effect. Personally for me, none of the ones I have tried worked to relieve the anxiety, just made me feel worse. Perhaps others here that have successful results can offer some suggestions on those meds. Try to make whatever decision YOU are most comfortable with.

Kathy, My heart goes out to you in your time of sadness. I think when you live with someone for a long who has a chronic illness and they are able to cheat death many, many times, you sort of delude yourself into thinking they are invincible. Ron had been a diabetic for 25 years and a heart patient for 10. The doctor visits, ER visits, hospitalizations, & life threatening situations were endless, but he always recovered. When cancer took over, he just couldn't. My mind knew this, but my heart would not accept it. None of us lives forever. It may be harder for our children to accept what grief does to us. After all, you are the "Mom" and can handle anything. Just be truthful and admit you are not up to a trip right now. I"m sure he will understand. I hope you are feeling better soon.

I think that some individuals are more perceptive and receptive to the unexplainable happenings in this world. I do not think I am one of them. As many times as I have spoken to my parents, husband ,& daughter, I have never received a response. There are many here who feel their lost loved ones around them. I do not except in infrequent dreams. My father's dream visits always ended with "You know I can't stay." They were sad, but comforting to know he was checking up on me. My husband had an uncanny ability to know when something bad was going to happen to a member of our family. I watched this happen many times over 40 years. He described it as being enveloped in a "black" cloud. He hated it as usually he could not tell which one of us or what would happen and was hopeless to prevent it. He was right 100% of the time and something bad would happen within a couple of weeks. The only time he knew who and what was the day in 2006 when we were driving away from my daughter's home in Kentucky. She was standing on the porch and he looked at me and said "Debbie has cancer". I sort of laughed and said "No, she doesn't". She had always been healthy and was happy. His timing was off, but she was diagnosed with cancer 2 years later. I think if anyone could communicate with me, it would be him. I am happy for you if this gives you comfort.

So happy to hear this news. Keep holdin' on, Gracie!

Don't know where to post this, so apologize if it offends anyone. Went to the new heart doctor today for the myriad of tests my doctor wants. Silly me! I thought they would be done today, but no, let's drag it out. Saw the PA, answered all the questions, & scheduled the tests for May 10. Told her nothing is wrong with my heart except that it is broken and can't be fixed. She said there is actually a heart condition caused by grief. Thought that was interesting. Got the usual "you look good". I must have looked fantastic before all this happened. lol I don't recognize the stranger in the mirror.

Welcome Home, "Mom". Love ya'. Karen(One of your "older" children)

I wish depression had an expiration date, but apparently it does not. My first thought when I wake up each day is to let the dog out. My second is that my husband and daughter are dead. That one repeats itself so many times I have lost count, followed by the constant worrying thoughts of financial woes. I feel like this will never end and I definitely don't like it.